To object to my child being coded unauthorised absence

[BestFaceForward]

300 miles from home for Christmas with my elderly mum she was taken to hospital on Christmas Eve, spent 4 days in A&E and was then admitted to a ward where she died on 4th January. I was with her, she passed away very gently.

I let school know that we probably wouldn’t be able to return home for the start of term and have kept them updated.

I have made support arrangements for my child who has an EHCP and definitely needs to be with me.

Due to pressure on Hospitals and Registrars I couldn’t register Mum’s death until 13th and she couldn’t be picked up by the funeral directors until yesterday.

Her funeral is next week.

In the midst of all this my child’s father has discovered his rapidly increasing symptoms are probably not a trapped nerve but could well be Motor Neuron Disease.

I am feeling pretty unreasonable, irritable even. And I know it (fellow Alanon member insert wry laugh here).

FFS is it the best the education system can do to describe my child’s absence as unauthorised? Will transport to school which I have never used, although theoretically eligible, now offer a private jet? I somehow think not.

Rant not over but to be continued.

Supportive swearing will be much appreciated. Any suggestions however unusual will be gratefully or humorously considered, as required. And if you think I should cancel my mum’s funeral, abandon my child’s father or officially withdraw my kid from state education and start homeschooling please don’t hesitate to tell me. I’ll have the biggest bunch of flowers ever for the wonderful TA who has turned my little chap’s learning and friendships around 180 degrees.

Fuck off now any other character building opportunities.

Is it now going into a third week of absence? As another parent of a child with additional needs and past struggles with friendships and learning at school, I'd start to be concerned about the impact on your son of taking such a long break, especially if he's now a long way from home and in the company of a very distressed and grieving parent, who is trying to organise other things.

Are there other siblings or family members who can help and allow you to return home? Or have you spoken to the school at all about this? Can your husband do it? Appreciate he's going through medical investigation, but if it was first thought to be a trapped nerve, he should have the capacity to help you here?

I think it needs to be about your son first. If that truly means staying out of school, that's what you need to do, but it might help him to get back in routine, and also avoid any risk of being off-rolled if this goes on longer

So sorry for your loss OP. 💐

As others have said, just ignore that its marked as unauthorised. But I agree, there should be something to indicate compassionate leave or similar. You are 300 miles away and dealing with a huge amount at the moment. I'm sure trying to get your dc back to school is really the least of your concerns right now, and rightly so. I don't think they need to be there for 'normality'. This isn't a normal situation and I imagine being with you is far more important for them than missing a few weeks off school.

In the grand scheme of things this probably felt like the final kick in the teeth. Its often the small things that finally tip us over. But in reality, its not worth even worrying about. Take all the time you need. Ensuring you, your dh and your child are ok is much more important at the moment. Set it aside and deal with it when you are back, and if they want to keep it as unauthorised, so what. It makes no difference. Do what you need to do.

I'd let it go if I were you OP. Concentrate on the important things. The school is probably fully sympathetic but they have to enter something on the register and unauthorised absence is accurate. Nothing will come of it.

Sorry for your loss

No advice but just virtual hugs , this must be such an awful time for you x

Honestly with everything you have going on, just let this go. It doesn't matter.

Or a coping mechanism - focusing on the least important stuff to vent anger and frustration.

Just ignore it and do what you think is best for your child.
School has to show they are reacting to absences so this is what they'll do.

Sorry for all you're going through, OP, but everyone else is right.
It sounds like everything has just got on top of you, and you have felt like you can't have any semblance of normality until everything is done, if that makes sense.
You do, I think, need to prioritise getting your child back to school. It can't be doing him any good at all, especially as he's probably picking up on your stress, understandably, but not good for him.
I know every situation is different, but there is a reason why schools have a bit of leeway with authorising absences. No matter what the situation, 3 weeks and counting for what is ultimately the death of a grandparent is never going to be authorised.
I've had (since September alone) 3 kids who have lost fathers. All back within a week. It's better for them. They are treated gently, we all know about their circumstances, but it's better for them to be with us, with 25 other kids, doing normal schooly things, and not being hundreds of miles away with one grieving and stressed parent.

YANBU. How difficult is it to have two columns, one for Authorised Absence and one for UnAuthorised Absence? Not at all.

Sorry for your loss

It's horrible when you're in a hellish place and get a "computer says no" response. I think some of it could be coded as authorised, there is discretion still. Driving up and down 300 miles is no joke, my mum lived 400 odd miles away when she died and I was very fortunate to have my inlaws available to look after my DC. Some parts of the country have had terrible ice etc and the journey could take much longer, as well as potential risks.

My 15 year old has been unauthorised since the start of the new year as his school say mental health issues are not illness! I'll take my chances at magistrates if needs be.

I also have 2 with EHCPs, which I don't think is relevant but there you go.

So you are the judge, jury and executioner of both what her child with an SEN needs, and also how her employer should behave?

I didn’t realise from your name on this forum that you personally had assessed the child, nor that you also work in HR for her employer.

Perhaps a little less judgment for a bereaved family who have also received a life changing diagnosis.

It doesn't matter. Really.

This is for their records.

Yes I think they are being unreasonable. But it's a tick-box thing.

It's hardly as if you taken him off for a 3 week holiday in term time.

It won't affect his school record in a wider sense.

Really sorry to hear about your mum and of course your partner.

Most children lose one or more grandparents during their time at school, and dont miss school because of it. Most schools will have several children mourning a recently lost grandparent at any one time - its a normal phase of life

Have you missed the fact that they are 300 miles from home and presumably the child cannot get back to his home and school on his own?

For all those saying the OP could have her child back i school, travel back to register her Mum's death the travel again for the funeral, have you ever stopped to think she might not be able to afford 1500 miles of travel ?

It’s a box ticking exercise but honestly your child should been back in school for some time between Christmas and now, there would of been more leeway allowed for a few days at the time of death and for the funeral rather than a constant not seen which will be raising other concerns.

but what is all this time off school going to be doing to this childs educational outcomes? I would expect the family to be prioritising their child's education, at this time, yes. Their child's future depends on their education.

I am simply giving normal timescales for reference, it can be hard to know what is normal, and seeing other people's timescales can help -for example some local authorities give 3 days grace.....

It may be harsh, but this is a child missing weeks of school, and education does not seem to be being prioritised

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost both my beautiful parents within the last year and i know how devastating it is.

I was (unfortunately) 2000 miles away and i was able to organise/facetime/pick clothes/meetings with Dr's/funeral directors etc and any others that i needed without being on the doorstep. How awful that the funeral directors weren't able to pick her up for 15 days :(

Is there a reason why you are having to stay 300 miles away and your child miss school? How old is your child? Don't worry about how it is classified though.

Sending you love x

This. Some comments are just callous.

So sorry you're going through this. Sending lots of love x

Forget school. Nobody is going to send the register police round.

You've kept them updated.

You may well hear from welfare, but any decent person would understand that it's not possible to be in school at the moment.

As long as he doesn't go back with a lovely tan! I'm sure they've heard it all so blanket box ticking.

I would have thought the covid years had put paid to the judgement around missing a few days of school.

Covid also showed how a lot of children very very sadly fell though the cracks safeguarding wise because they hadn’t been seen in person for so long.

And again, anyone suggesting they know what is best for the child better be able to produce an assessment of DC’s needs in the light of the EHCP.

Yes. I agree. But not a few days.

Its not ok to berate and shame parents for making the best decisions available to them in the name of “absence damages their education” given how many children lacked access to education for much, much long