4th baby at 43?

[Ctu24agent]

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

At the end of the day if you want a baby that longing wont go away and you may well regret it if you dont. But go into it eyes open about your ages and the stresses ( and joy) a new bubba will bring !
I had two and wanted a third. Husband not keen. I wish I'd pressed the issue now I have creaking menopausal ovaries !

Uhmmm to the kids...? Worrying about your parent's health deteriorating and you becoming an orphan before you're 25 is an unkind burden to place on a kid. How do you think it feels to be 17 with an mid 70s dad?

@WitchesCauldron Nearly everyone seems to get broody just before menopause even if they know it would be a bad idea. It seems to be largely hormonal.

Most people live well into their 80s these days . I have friends whose parents were around that age ( best friends dad was 69 when she was 16 , and only passed away 2 years ago when she was 38 and was very heating and traveling until he died ) On the other had 2 of my youngest daughters friends just died at 36 and 27 from cancer . Point is , unfortunately it can happen at any time and not always age determined unfortunately .

No, l think it would be a lot easier on everyone in your family if you kept things as they are.

@Wiluli Average life expectancy for men is 79. That does include deaths in infancy, so 80 or 81 years old. Some people live a lot older. But the older people get they are more likely to have issues like dementia.

This.

Im not against big families in any way; I’m one of 4 and I’m pregnant with my 4th, but I think you and especially your husband are too old and there are too many associated risks involved for this to be a good idea. You have quite large gaps so I imagine that will make things even trickier as they all grow, too.

I really agree with this. Love absolutely isn't all that's needed to raise a child, let alone three or four.

It's more the concern of 56 year old sperm. Also, how long would you try for? If it took time, you might not have the baby until you're approximately 45 for example.

Bottom line is, it's your choice.

No one can tell you not to. If I were you, I wouldn't go for it due to autistic son. It might be hard for him to adjust? Although I don't know how serious his condition is. It's your decision, at the end of day. Whatever choice you make, good luck X

I had my 1st at 41 (almost 42). DD is now 4.5. I'm now 46. I struggle mainly with tiredness. I wouldn't want to start all over again at 43 in all honesty, but everybody is different. A friend of mine had her 1st at 45 so we are all different.

Autism describes such a wide range of needs though. From someone non verbal to someone who has fairly minor issues.

Definitely. Have been that child, and still am. It’s very difficult…

No I think your DH is too old IMO.

I'm the child of older parents, it wasn't good.

No way at 74/75 could your DH parent a 4th 18 year old like he did the first.

I had my 4th at 43 . Im now 55 and I'm sick to the back teeth of the school run, the battles to get a teenager up for school, and all the other stuff I've been doing for 30+ years ( my eldest is 33) when some of my friends are thinking about retirement. I would not change our child for the world, he is hilarious, kind and an utter joy, but it's still relentless...so seriously think about it .

Are you seriously equating the risk of dying in your 30s to the risk of dying in your 70s or 80s? Neither or those risks are exactly zero, but one is considerably higher. And to write that off under the assumption that "you could get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway" is incredibly silly. There's no guarantee you'll be around to see your child grow up at any age, but you are sure minimising those odds when you choose to have those kids at almost 60....

It was after my second child was born that we became financially stable. The delay having our third was due to seeing how our second would be after his diagnosis.

Why would you assume he is the breadwinner?

How many stay at home dads do you know? Or part time worker dads?

3 kids is a hit to any career and it's currently predominantly women who take that hit. It's a rational guess based on statistics...

My own partner has been both a SAHD and worked part time. Also, both parents may also work full time, as is the case in most of my social circle.

I know the joke is that someone's definition of a large family is the number of children they have + 1, and I'm going to fulfil that cliche now (I have three, with a fairly large age gap between the second and third), but honestly, OP, I would see this for what it is - your hormones trying to egg you on to a last hurrah, combined with that the Germans call the 'panic of the closing gate' - and quit while you're ahead. At your ages, no. 3 was also quite bold roll of the dice, tbh. We were 37 and 39 when we conceived our last and I'm not sure I'd have been very comfortable with being much older than that, particularly as we also suffered recurrent mc.

*what the Germans call...

I think uwbu due to your husbands age and you will already have a child who will be 10 when you are 52 and your husband 65. Your child with autism will be 16.

One of relatives had a child in their mid 44s with an older husband. They already each had adult children.
Once the child was active and wanted to just even play football in the garden, the husband or my relative weren't up to it for longer than 5 or 10 minutes.
Instead they were lucky that sometimes their older adult children would do activities with the younger brother. His dad just wasn't able. Of course many 60 year olds are healthy but the exercises we might choose to do at that age, can be very different to the repetitiveness of doing stuff with children.
Cant imagine how they would have coped with a 2nd younger child .
Also your child with Autism will likely need time and support going through their teenage years.

I agree with this poster.
Head over heart.

Quite.