Wwyd overheard office bitching session

[WhaleTanker]

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

Very glad that someone reported this as it shouldn't be allowed to go unchallenged but at the same time it could have been hard for you personally to report it. If any or all of them try to talk to you about it I'd be tempted to say "I've been advised not to discuss this with you. For now." That could give them a few sleepless weeks. You wouldn't even need to say that you were advised by some random on Mumsnet. 😇

But my inquisitive side would probably want to let them speak so that I could watch them tie themselves up in knots trying to justify or backtrack from the things they'd been heard saying.

I am so glad for you that someone else reported it. And also pleased your head Office acted so swiftly. Please try not to dwell on what you actually heard. People will often try and put other people down just to bolster themselves. Stuff like this is nearly always jealousy motivated. Big deep breaths and carry on.

brilliant update op!

Why would you say this to HR? Surely it shows the culture in a positive light that someone else acted decisively and reported them? Their cards are marked now and hopefully this has nipped things in the bud. If they're not performing it adds to the overall picture for management to deal with.

It's misogyny plain and simple. Bet they were bitching about the other bloke. I'm glad someone reported it

Do this. Make sure you log this with HR, confidentially for now and with no action to be taken. If you do not do this, you will not be able to refer to this incident when they do something else to undermine or badmouth you. It also means that if they are sending in bad reports to central, you have advised HR of their behaviour.

I love a PP's posters idea to tell Twat 1 that Twat 2 told you what they had said about you. But fun as it sounds, you don't need the drama.

Log with HR, confidentially. Then send those emails to each one individually, citing the unprofessional behaviour of having a public discussion about a colleague. Tell them you won't escalate this time. Put them on notice.

I think this is a good outcome as it was fast and decisive and takes the heat away from you. I'm proud of the colleague who reported, whoever they are.

What a horrible thing to contend with. I hate confrontation but I despise arseholes more.

Tell each one on their own that you heard EVERYTHING they said and if they have problem, don't bitch behind your back and have the decency to say it to your face. While you are doing this, enjoy watching them squirm. They will shit themselves and either realise the error of their ways or go into denial mode. Wishing you luck with what you decide to do X

100% this

Well done the person who reported it!

I'm guessing the person who reported it was the sixth member of staff.

Urgh this is horrible OP. I hate this kind of back-stabbing and bitchiness. So unnecessary. Hope you're ok. Well done on the other person reporting it, am so glad those horrible people have been pulled up on their behaviour. Bet they got a shock, they deserve it.

I honestly think it depends on what was said, low level bitching I’d not get worked up about and let it wash over me.

If it was sexism, misogyny, anything seriously offensive then I’d escalate via central HR

I would take a record of what you have recalled, noting names of whom you witnessed having the conversation.

You can then decide whether to raise concerns informally with your line manager as part of your Company’s Grievance Procedure. If you are not satisfied with the informal outcome, you can raise formally. I would check the Grievance Procedure for process/steps. Sorry this has happened to you.

You have handled it really well, the person who reported was a hero. Stand your ground, look them in the eye and nod to them. They are a disgrace.
They have shown there weakness, to you and others.

@MarshaMelrose

This.

OP in reality you now have the upper hand in this dynamic .. pull them aside and ask if they want to tell you something that’s been bothering them - then tell them you unfortunately overheard their conversation. Be cool and in control - they will cringe and give you a wide berth at work after this for a good while. It will create less fallout than a complaint to HR but do the job x

Oops brilliant they’ve been caught out and sorry you overheard their nastiness. It sounds as though they’re intimidated by you.

Quite comforting to hear that someone else overheard, and their first response wasn't to agree or join in - it was to call them out for it.

You have at least one ally there, OP.

That is good news @WhaleTanker It might not feel like it, but someone else reporting it takes the heat off you. It also ought to make you feel a bit better that someone is clearly on your side and was appalled by what was said

I think this.

Best case is that it was independently reported and it would be good to have what you heard verified by this person.

Being deathly calm, no anger at all, is the best play.

Clarifying your deep discomfort at your name, professionalism, your very character being assassinated in the open office for others to hear.

What really is worse?

Probably only being assaulted by a colleague.

I think this is one of those situations where you would be correct to want it noted that 4 male colleagues feeling so confident as to denigrate you, the only woman on the team, so openly in public makes you feel UNSAFE professionally.

This is your place of work, you have every right to feel SAFE in the office and not be subjected to utter humiliation of your colleagues bearing witness to four of your management colleagues performing at length a wholly inaccurate character assassination.

You have every right to want it noted in case their entitlement directs them to undermine you PROFESSIONALLY.

They are clearly not the brightest.

Don't feel upset or take it personally, they are not worth it.

They have made a real show of themselves.

Make sure you are good and silent if they attempt an apology.

Let them stew before you lay on thick your huge disappointment at their behaviour, made so much worse that they did it publicly so that it is being gossiped about.

I too think this type of behaviour sheds a really poor light on the management.

So unbelievably unprofessional.

You need to treat this as the basis of constructive dismissal in the future.

Create a paper trail of what you heard and what you are feeling.

That's a really good outcome, OP, and it must be heartening to know that whoever reported the incident recognized that it was shocking behaviour. You may have some unprofessional colleagues, but there's some decent ones as well. Keep all your notes as you may be asked about the incident next week.

Always find it interesting when you actually hear men gossiping. It happens just as much as women doing it, yet women have the reputation for it and men are just "sounding off" 🙄😡

Glad they are mortified, so they should be.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As a senior leader myself in a mainly male team I often fear the same thing happening to me, as my office can be quite cliquey too!

My advice would be try not to take it personally (easier said than done I know!). It says more about them than you.

I would call a meeting with all the 4 people affected and tell them what you heard and how it made you feel. I would say that if they have feedback for you in future you would rather they say it to you face to face and you can address it there and then. I think they will be mortified you heard and it will make them think twice doing that again in future. I think they'll also respect you more if you stay professional and unemotional about it and stick to the facts. If they get defensive, attack you further or nothing changes, I'd go straight to HR.

HR have already been informed

They should be mortified. I'm glad the other person that heard it was appalled too and reported it.