Wwyd overheard office bitching session

[WhaleTanker]

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

This happened to my old manager. Sniping and undermining. I took her role, and as of yet nothing has happened, however, in a board meeting the principal director made a few snippy uncalled-for sarky comments.
Dp says he'll have an unfriendly chat with the said director if I decide to leave.
It's bullying.

I hope you told HR that you had made notes but were still deciding what you were planning to do about this, and that you’re not entirely sure how you feel about this decision being taken out of your hands. You would have preferred to have made that decision yourself.

This happened to me. The 4 men I was working with were in the office, I was wfh, we'd taken a break in the Zoom meeting we were having. They were too stupid to realize that having my camera and mic off didn't mean I couldn't hear.
They were slagging my work off but really stupid things, like saying I was too keen, worked too quickly which made them look bad. I was so, so upset and let it go, which i really regret now- I should have put my mic on and cleared my throat or something, it would have put the shits up them because they were a weak bunch of pricks really, slagging the only woman in the team off in that way.

Thank God someone had scruples and reported them, now it will have more weight ,
By Monday it will be all round the office and people will judge them
Have a lovely weekend @WhaleTanker someones got your back

Monday could be difficult if they attempt an apology, so be prepared with your response.

I would be as brutal to them as they were to you and do not let them off the hook.

Make sure they know how hard it was to hear and how it has impacted you. Tell them how it has changed your perception of them personally and also you are shocked and disappointed as you never expected it of them as you had always thought they were more professional than to get involved in something that basically belongs in the playground.

Tell them you have spoken to HR/line management/next level up boss about the significant impact it has had on you and will await their advice, hopefully in the coming days/weeks, and agree with them how the matter should be best handled going forward.

Well it's good but it's undermined you in the office in front others.

What will be done about that?

Good to know at least someone has your back and reported it. Did you not see anyone else there at the time who also overheard the conversation? I'd be wondering who reported it now but at least you have peace of mind and didn't have to go through the awful HR performance. It does seem one person respects you and is prepared to stand up for you.

Well done to whoever had the guts to report it. It is in your favour that you didn't have to report yourself.

I agree with @Blanketpolicy. You need to pre-prepare your response if they try to apologise and work out how you want to handle this so that you are prepared when you next see them.

Awful people

Are so fcking unprofessional

You sound very professional

Don't let them put you down

Stay strong xxxxxxxx

The 4 have been spoken to and apparently are mortified.

Mortified that they did it or mortified that they got caught? And were they mortified enough to apologise to you?

This exactly, you are not the villain here OP!

This is the best outcome. They will be desperately back pedalling now. Have a think about how you want to respond. I suggest being like an ice queen and certainly don’t make it easy for them.

My dd was at a Team Meeting and giving a talk to the group. A man, a contractor, started mimicking and ridiculing her. She just carried on and ignored as it was him that looked an idiot. She told me that night and also said he had asked her on a date previously and she declined and he had not taken it well.

She obviously did not need to report it, plenty of the staff at the meeting did. She said she felt scared. Turned out he had taken another girl out and there were pictures involved. A week or so later he was escorted off the premises by security.

Sounds a good outcome, but this person is now working elsewhere probably preying on women again. Just horrible to feel intimidated and scared in your place of work which should be a safe environment. They are bullies op in a clique and this is a cause for concern.

I agree with @Blanketpolicy. You need to pre-prepare your response if they try to apologise and work out how you want to handle this so that you are prepared when you next see them.

Thirding this. I had a similar situation and after the man in question was reprimanded, he came up to me and said "I owe you an apology." I nodded rather than saying "Oh that's okay" or whatever he expected a meek female to do. That riled him right up and he immediately launched into "But all I was saying was..." showing just how insincere his "apology" was. I'd be prepared for similar to happen.

As a PP said, that's probably the best outcome. I'm glad your colleague reported them.

Back in 2009, my then "work bestie" forwarded me a funny email but forgot to delete a lengthy trail of emails between her and another colleague. I'll never forget that shaky feeling and the way my heart was pounding as I scrolled through page after page of them slagging me off - really horrible, personal comments, too.

I hope they truly are mortified and this forces them to reflect on their shitty characters.

A great outcome. I hope they learn from it.

I'm so glad someone has your back on this. Take solice in this fact, and to quote a phrase we use in our workplace " don't let the b*ards grind you down. Xx

Maybe they are also a mumsnetter and saw this post!

I am glad that someone felt strongly enough about this to report it and it was obviously bad!

OP I'd suggest that you still make your notes of the incident and keep them safe with a date stamp eg emailing them to a personal email address.

If they do try to apologise on Monday, I'd go down the route of making them realise how unprofessional their behaviour was, and how they have no grounds for their comments, rather than how it made you feel. As others have said, women aren't allowed to have feelings or be offended, so it's about being icily clear on their unprofessionalism and unfair criticism of a colleague.

Sounds like someone else sees how horrible this people are. I bet they’re mortified, mortified that people have overheard not mortified at the thought of how they’ve made someone else feel.

yes take time to consolidate it all. Take care and try not to think about it over the weekend x

If you really feel it’s bullying deal with it formally while still employed. Getting your partner to deal with it informally for you is just awful.

Great that someone reported it.
I hope they get the book thrown at them.

For goodness sake. I posted a mea culpa pages ago! Turns out I'm not the only person who didn't read thoroughly.

Agree with this. At a certain point in the hierarchy it’s expected that people sort things out themselves. The reality is, for the situation described the OP, would lose all credibility if she went to HR. To be clear if it was a case of harassment based on the OP’s sex that would be a different story. But to go to HR to complain about coworkers bitching about her would be seen as over the top.

OP, I would be very careful taking advice from randos on the internet. This is a situation where you want to make sure that you are asking a someone with experience at your career level. Right, wrong, or indifferent there are different rules at different professional levels. What would be appropriate for one level is not the same at higher levels.

I didn't ask him to deal with it. He made a quip about it.
Interestingly enough the director involved with my ex-colleague bumped into her a month or so later. Apparently, he was quite uneasy a tad embarrassed.
The same director owns the company, hardly likely to step down. The issue is informal sniping is like cancer in companies.