AIBU?
To not want to drive?
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23
My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.
He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.
As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.
We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.
He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!
I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.
he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.
AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Greensleevevssnotnose · 25/01/2023 21:23
How long is the train journey? Surely it's just as bad as the car journey? I wouldn't have gone or taken the baby. Let him do it.
CandidClarisse · 25/01/2023 21:33
After the way he's carried on, I wouldn't have even gone!
You'll probably feel on edge now all day, I say fuck him and let him do by himself... if he wants his parents to see baby he can take her!
Devoutspoken · 25/01/2023 21:38
Greensleeves, you can walk around a train, so no it's not the same
Purpleberet · 25/01/2023 21:44
You can’t live like this.
You might not think it but sounds like you’d be better off without. He’s not going to suddenly change for the better. You sound so considerate and you deserve more than this
Jagley · 25/01/2023 21:46
Tell him get the train on his own, he can stay with his parents and you can have some head space to seriously think if this is what you want in life. You sound worn down. Please look after yourself.
Nevermind31 · 26/01/2023 00:11
Annie802 · 25/01/2023 19:33
Update - we are getting the train. However I still managed to get that wrong. To make it easier I said my parents could look after DD so it would be easy us just getting the train.
He said no he wants his parents to. So I booked a family train ticket so we have a seat for baby so we have extra space and it was cheaper for some reason than booking just the two of us.
Then all of a sudden he said oh great that means she definitely has to come with us and we have to get the train time you booked. But that’s what I thought he wanted, and I showed him the time of the trains before i booked it.
I don’t know. I’m exhausted and feel like I can do nothing right ever. Hopefully the train journey goes ok, as no doubt I’ll do something else wrong and I’m worried he’ll be pissed off because I didn’t drive. I’m just feeling so on edge.
Why do you do all the work? Just leave it to him, you are not his mother. Didn’t book the train? Oh what a shame, can’t go 🤷♀️
Tiani4 · 26/01/2023 03:14
You’re right.
he wanted me to contact his parents as well to tell them that I wouldn’t be driving and ask them to pick up our DD but I said no. So he’s done that.
but you’re right I need to look at why I do this. I don’t even know. I wish I wasn’t this weak.
Name change fail OP, you probably want to ask MNHQ to fix that
Your DP sounds exhausting to be with and entirely unrealistic and self focused., he's coming across more like a lazy teenager than a second parent/ adult in your home.
ImBlueDab · 26/01/2023 07:21
Next time something like this comes up, tell him he can sort the arrangements as he did nothing but complain last time
LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 26/01/2023 08:22
The reason you feel like you can't ever do anything right, is because your partner will always change the goal posts = you've always done it wrong.
You'll never win with this guy, no matter what you do, stop trying so hard to please him, he's behaving like a man-child and nothing you do will ever be good enough.
Remona · 26/01/2023 08:22
So how have you gone from “he says he’s not going now” and “he refuses to take the train” to this? And how come you’ve had to get the tickets?
He’d have bought his own effing tickets and gone alone. I’m sorry, OP, but he sounds a complete and utter prick.
I know we all do things for a quiet life sometimes, but this sounds like he’s repeatedly setting you up to fail. You can’t do right for doing wrong.
GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 26/01/2023 08:50
He sounds like a controlling freak, and I doubt he'll change - were I you, I'd be running a mile.
What a selfish human being.
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/01/2023 09:54
Why are you with this abusive asshole?
Tell him to go alone. Stay home & ponder your one and only life here on earth. 
GabriellaMontez · 26/01/2023 10:02
Not a very nice guy is he?
Have you thought about leaving him? Imagine not having to clean up after him, tip toe around his moods and criticism or answer to his sulking ?
Do you have plans to go back to work?
FinallyHere · 26/01/2023 10:28
he doesn’t see the issue at all.
Since he doesn't drive, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt and say sorry, that won't work even before you factor in the baby
He might start to understand better then.
To break it down, 300miles even in motorway I'd allow four hours each way. Totally unreasonable two days running, before you factor in a baby and a new driver
Or is it a cunning ploy to let him go on his own while you stay at home and take care of his baby? Hmmmm
he doesn’t see the issue at all.
His skills appear to be mainly in manipulating you to do things for his convenience. Do you recognise that description. I'm so sorry.
LookItsMeAgain · 26/01/2023 10:28
Seriously @Annie802 - My advice would be to let your DH (or just H as he isn't showing any indications that he deserves the 'D' part of that), get the train by himself.
Enjoy the break away from him.
Because he has shown you the type of manchild he really is, take steps to separate yourself or at the VERY least, put in place boundaries that you will not let ANYONE trample all over. You're the one who is going to have to show your child what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship. It's very clear to so many of us here on MN that what your H is doing is not acceptable, throwing a strop and tantrum and basically behaving as he has been doing.
Best of luck to you on that.
Ineedcoffee2021 · 26/01/2023 10:31
I cant drive due to anxiety, no license, wont even sit in the driver side
No way would i plan something so far away cos its DH that would be driving. No chance id just assume thats ok
Say no, your not ready/comfortable and thats that.
FaoinDrualus · 26/01/2023 11:35
Is this something you actually want to go to? Because I've read all your posts and you don't mention looking forward to a big night out with his friends.
You say you're exhausted, and you sound it - would you not be better off letting him head off on the train and having a break at home? If his parents want to see the baby, let them travel to you.
FluffyFlower · 26/01/2023 11:40
Now that the train tickets are booked just be assertive, never question yourself, try not to react to his comments. Why do you think you have done something wrong or will do wrong? Don't even entertain such thoughts! Hope your journey goes well, make sure it is comfortable for you!!
MavisMcMinty · 26/01/2023 13:01
Probably too late now, but @Annie802 should just tell him she’s not going, she’ll be spending the time apart evaluating their relationship and what the future might hold for them as a family. I suspect this would astonish the shithead, who thinks, quite reasonably in the circumstances, that he holds all the power. If a doormat is available, most people will wipe their feet on it. Wake up Annie! Surprise him!
Kennykenkencat · 26/01/2023 14:42
Annie802 · 25/01/2023 19:33
Update - we are getting the train. However I still managed to get that wrong. To make it easier I said my parents could look after DD so it would be easy us just getting the train.
He said no he wants his parents to. So I booked a family train ticket so we have a seat for baby so we have extra space and it was cheaper for some reason than booking just the two of us.
Then all of a sudden he said oh great that means she definitely has to come with us and we have to get the train time you booked. But that’s what I thought he wanted, and I showed him the time of the trains before i booked it.
I don’t know. I’m exhausted and feel like I can do nothing right ever. Hopefully the train journey goes ok, as no doubt I’ll do something else wrong and I’m worried he’ll be pissed off because I didn’t drive. I’m just feeling so on edge.
You won’t ever be able to do anything right because he always wants you to be in the wrong because he didn’t get his own way and be driven there and back
I would have a good time this weekend seeing your friends but I would really have a good think about your future when you get back.
If he pulls this nonsense again I would be looking at what you want to do and do that and he can come along if he can make his own way.
I would be pulling him up on changing and then re changing plans.
Telling him to make his mind up what he wants to do and if he wants to learn to drive and get his own car then go ahead and then he can make the choice himself of driving or not driving
skippymcflippy · 26/01/2023 15:25
Abusive wanker.
And I second the others - why are you going to all this effort searching for trains and booking them? And then the asshole just wanders up and starts complaining.
He needs to get to fuck permanently.
Or a nice German phrase
"Er gehört auf den Mond geschossen".... which loads of people use
"He needs to be shot to the moon.
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