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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive?

374 replies

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 19/01/2023 14:55

300 miles is a very long way, especially for a new driver who does not feel confident. You're already exhausted so it would be potentially unsafe and irresponsible to even attempt such a mammoth journey.

And it's far too long a journey for a tiny baby. As PP have said they shouldn't be in a car seat for hours on end, and if they get fretful, which they probably will, that will add to your stress.

It's a crazy idea OP, so just say no.

When DH and I do a 200 mile journey to the south coast, we share the driving and we certainly wouldn't want to do the return journey the next day. We've both been driving for years.

Your partner is a selfish, self centred arsehole. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you and brings nothing but stress to your life. I would dump him.

You can do much better than him. You deserve better too.

Pardon44 · 19/01/2023 14:55

He's all about what you need to do. He can learn to drive so he doesn't need to rely on you. He can pay for the train. He can pay for an extra night in a hotel. IMO he can f right off. Selfish F'er

heathspeedwell · 19/01/2023 14:55

I feel really angry that he would even consider putting his baby through all that just so he can enjoy a night out. It's totally unfair to do that to an infant. Is he a useless dad in other ways too?

Kennykenkencat · 19/01/2023 14:56

I would explain to him why you aren’t doing it and also explain why you would do it (extra night in hotel to recover)

Whatever he is like now is only going to get worse with age and I would keep a mental note what else he does with no thought for you as time goes on and if he doesn’t change then I would leave.
You will be at his beck and call now you are a driver and he will think he only has to snap his fingers an you will drive him everywhere

SkippyKangeroo · 19/01/2023 14:58

Bit of a sad thread really.

The OP starts it thinking she may or not be BU about one incident - which is a ludicrous, selfish , dangerous request by her partner, and then reveals a history of selfish near abusive behaviour.

I know it's a bit of a joke on here that each thread ends in ' LTB' , but I guess this is one occasion where the relationship just seems miserable for one person , and they are treated extremely poorly by their partner.

Ending a relationship that has a mortgage and kids involved is never easy, but really the OP needs to have a serious talk with her partner here, because things aint going to get better on there own.

MysteryBelle · 19/01/2023 14:58

You are totally in the right. Don’t let him do this to you. He should book another night in consideration of you and the giant imposition he’s foisted upon you. I would be tempted to tell him to get himself a train there and back and I’d stay home.

BringItOn2023 · 19/01/2023 14:59

He sounds like a completely selfish, bullying, narcissistic piece of sh*t.

Batiqueattic · 19/01/2023 15:01

He wants you to put yourself & the baby in danger so he can go on the piss. You are nowhere near experienced enough as a driver to do this and, with a baby on board too, your concentration will be badly affected. He uses you. All the time. He's vile.

lieselotte · 19/01/2023 15:02

He can’t be bothered to learn to drive. I’ve been asking him to for the last year but he won’t or has an excuse

Unless and until he can drive, he doesn't get to tell you where and when to drive.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/01/2023 15:04

Been driving for years, very confident, no way would I do 300 miles one day and back the next after a party

i would be saying if he wants me to drive this is what is happening, so two nights, or he goes alone on the train

i Would also be telling him he needs tolearn to drive

TheShellBeach · 19/01/2023 15:06

Wow, what a tightwad he is.
I expect it's because he can't drive that he doesn't see the issue, but he ought to take your feelings into consideration anyway.

I wouldn't do it and I'm an experienced driver.

Riverlee · 19/01/2023 15:11

Haven’t read the whole thread, but he’s being very unreasonable. Even experienced drivers wouldn’t do that. Put your foot down and say No. He can pay for his train fare if he’s desperate to go.

Let me guess, he was expecting you to foot the bill for the petrol as well

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 15:11

SkippyKangeroo · 19/01/2023 14:58

Bit of a sad thread really.

The OP starts it thinking she may or not be BU about one incident - which is a ludicrous, selfish , dangerous request by her partner, and then reveals a history of selfish near abusive behaviour.

I know it's a bit of a joke on here that each thread ends in ' LTB' , but I guess this is one occasion where the relationship just seems miserable for one person , and they are treated extremely poorly by their partner.

Ending a relationship that has a mortgage and kids involved is never easy, but really the OP needs to have a serious talk with her partner here, because things aint going to get better on there own.

I know

That's why I said I hope she's okay

It must be quite overwhelming to receive this response.

honestly the drive is the least of her worries. But I hope this thread and some of the wisdom from the mnetters here can help.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 19/01/2023 15:13

@Annie802

Can you show him some of the replies on this thread?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2023 15:13

If he’s like this I’m guessing there’s no money pooling and you’re in a financially precarious position, perhaps financially abusive. Please don’t do it.
www.madeformums.com/news/the-2-hour-car-seat-rule-what-you-need-to-know/ You need to take a decent break, maybe half an hour, every two hours maximum. This journey will double in length. We did it when my dd was a young baby. It took all day. He doesn’t come across as a patient man and baby could be at risk.

please don’t be bullied. I’ve driven double in a day but not with a young baby and only after years of motorway experience.

Tricyrtis2022 · 19/01/2023 15:13

I've been driving for over 30 years and have driven this distance in one go once, from Newcastle to Southampton. No baby, just me and the dog. By the end of the journey, I was trembling with stress and there is absolutely no way I'd have paired it with a night out and then driving the same distance again the following day. And at this time of year there is also snow and/or icy roads to consider. No way. Don't do it, OP.

Climbles · 19/01/2023 15:14

Sounds like you have two babies. This immature, selfish behaviour is such a turn off. Yuck.

Avrenim · 19/01/2023 15:17

That's far too much as a new driver.

The thing with non-drivers, in my experience, is that they don't understand how tiring driving can be, or just how much concentration it takes, especially if you've only recently passed your test, it's in another part of the country with roads that you don't know, or if you've recently returned to driving after a long break.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. He's being a twit.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/01/2023 15:19

Stick to the word no. It's all about him and his selfish wants
Easy to say when he doesn't drive isn't it?!
Your DC is your priority and your safety is paramount
I bet he doesn't even think about the cost.. £150 at least

dollytot · 19/01/2023 15:20

Buy him his first driving lesson as a birthday present. He should learn if he's not. The onus shouldn't be on you, especially as a new driver. I've been driving almost 20 years and I wouldn't do that journey.

Get the train.

Maray1967 · 19/01/2023 15:21

I’d do this if I absolutely had to , eg to see a very ill relative - but no wAy would I do this for a night out. He is totally out of order.

I’ve just asked my car-loving DH whether he’d do this - a flat no.

Maray1967 · 19/01/2023 15:22

Posted too soon. The risk of you losing concentration after a night out and tiredness is quite high, I would think.

Tricyrtis2022 · 19/01/2023 15:25

Oh yes, just remembered. When I did my one long trip, it was mid-January so along with ice patches on the roads, I found myself dodging huge chunks of ice flying off lorry roofs and smashing in the road in front of the car. It was terrifying.

MeghanThyStallion · 19/01/2023 15:27

I've been driving for nearly 20 years and wouldn't do a 600-mile round trip in 2 days even without a baby. I thought he maybe didn't understand what he was asking as a non-driver but your subsequent posts make him seem deeply unattractive. Has he always been lazy, demanding, petulant and unsupportive? Why on earth did you have a baby with him? Get rid!

SnowyOwl1 · 19/01/2023 15:28

He sounds like a selfish twat, he's suggesting you do a 600 mile trip over 2 days with a night of drinking between? An experienced driver would not want to do what he is proposing here, it's too much on little sleep, without factoring in barely being able to have a drink. Let him go on his own if you can't afford to get there.

And sort out your finances too, unmarried and on mat leave, no doubt going pt when you return to work, not a good idea (especially with someone this selfish). If you can have a baby with someone, you can share money with them.

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