To not want to drive?

[Annie802]

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

That is a completely insane plan and he's treating you like some kind of robot-servant.. he sounds vile tbh. Sorry OP - I wish so many men weren't completely appalling.

I got as far as this post and thought - of course they can see the baby. They can travel the 300 miles in the opposite direction to the one that their son is going to be travelling in and they can (depending on whether you get on with them or not) stay in your home while spending time with their grandchild!

Christ, that’s a crazy idea. My family are 150 miles away. It takes between 3-4 hours to drive there (depending on traffic). I’ve done there and back in the same day occasionally, but no way I’d do that amount of driving two days in a row (especially not with a tiny baby and possible hangover), and I love driving. He clearly has no idea how tiring driving is, being constantly alert for possible hazards etc. Or he’s just very selfish. Please tell him no op, and explain to him just how unreasonable he is being.

He’s choosing not to understand because he knows what’s he’s asking is a big pain in the arse and entirely for his benefit.

Absolutely don’t do it if you don’t want to. It’s totally fine to say no. On the other hand, and assuming he’s a decent sort generally, it’s his birthday, trains arn’t cheap and maybe you’re minded to be nice. But I’d be clear that if you do it, it’s a favour and you get something in return - time to yourself, night off he looks after baby etc.

YADNBU!

I can just picture the scene on the way home, with you having to be wide awake and concentrating on the 300-mile drive (some of which will presumably in the dark unless you're collecting baby and heading off early).

He is fast asleep next to you and baby is crying and/or needing a lot of stops for feeds and changes, all managed by you. No help with navigation or baby or anything.

I agree with PPs saying he should get the train on his own. It's no fun for you and all on his terms.

Mostly, a very young baby really doesn't need to be in a car seat for two whole days. It's bad for their spines and depending on your baby's age, the recommended limit is 2-hours in every 24.

So you have a great reason for not going.

His emotional blackmail about his parents not seeing the baby is really low. Nothing to stop them coming to you.

Me too. I've been driving over 30 years and am very confident, but I wouldn't do that. It will be extremely tiring, especially as a new driver.

Tell him to take his test and then he can drive. In the interim, he can catch the get the train

@Annie802 - Not one single message is saying that your other half is right. I've read them all. They are all saying that he should find an alternative way to get himself up to the party so you can stay at home or that he should pay for another night in the hotel or something along those lines.
He isn't putting his hand in his pocket to pay for a train ticket.
He isn't putting his hand in his pocket to pay for another night in the hotel.
He isn't putting his hand in his pocket to contribute to the petrol and wear&tear on the car.
He also isn't learning how to drive.

He is pilling on all of the guilt onto a new mother, trying to make her feel terrible about saying no.
You shouldn't feel guilty about saying no to this or anything else you don't want to do.

Does he pressurise you in any other ways???

Having read the whole thread now, I have to ask you Annie802 if your other half has any redeeming qualities? Based on this situation, I seriously doubt that he has any.

I agree. Don't go.,

Is he always this tight? I'd call his bluff and say fine then, if he is now telling you he won't go. Why was he expecting you do pay AND drive?!

I've been driving for nearly 30 years and wouldn't be happy to do all of that on my own, even without a baby to consider. I enjoy motoway driving but 600 miles in 24 hours would be a stretch for me. I once did have to do that kind of distance with one of the DCs, so DH stayed home with the other child, and I took my mum along to help. That way, each of us could take over when the other got tired. It's tiring enough concentrating on driving for hours on end, but if you're potentially sleep-deprived with a baby AND nervous about driving long distances, it's downright dangerous. Just no.

He goes on a train, or on a donkey or whatever or he stays at home. You cant be driving him, and paying for the fuel on top of it! His parents can come down to see their grandchild.

Why did he organise his birthday without discussing with you what his ideas were before making these ridiculous arrangements? They are based upon him totally dictating to you what you can and cannot do! He should definitely learn to drive and just seems to want you to be his servant, without any care for your wellbeing or that of your baby. Also why is he demanding you pay for things? Can you sit down together and calmly discuss what would be a fair way to sort money and transport for your future lives together and please be careful to make sure you can look after yourself financially in the future. He certainly sounds immensely selfish and uncaring. Sending solidarity.

I easily did thar mileage at least once a week for work (long days doing interviews, so intense work).

But, I think it is too much for a fairly new inexperienced driver. On the other hand it could be just what the OP needs to show her she can do it.

OP - try to think about the journey as batches of 30 miles. Once you've done the 1st 30 miles all you are doing is another 30 miles.

Take plenty of breaks. Make sure you know your journey in advance so you don't worry about getting lost. Also, make sure you have taken time to get the alcohol out of your system.

OP, please dont do this, even if he pays for another night. For yourself and the baby, dont do it.

300 miles in a day is OK if you are used to it.

But for the first time it will be exhausting - plus you won't want to drive very fast either and you will probably be over focused because its a relatively new experience PLUS you will have the babies safety to consider.

I did 150 miles to a party, had some cake and 150 miles back again the other day. I'm an experienced driver and it was pretty tiring. The next day I wasn't up to much.

If he thinks it would be a walk in the park he should try it. Oh, he can't ? Well how can he possibly know how much effort it would be then.

Don't do it.

Oh wow - I read that as 30 miles to start with! When I re-read I was shocked. That’s a longer journey than I’ve ever done in this country. It’s a big drive and not something you should attempt in the circumstances you mention.

I have just worked out how much driving this is, its a massive amount. You dont want to do that at all, let alone for the shear pleasure of someone who does care one bit for you. And thats before the baby is taken into consideration.

And if your OH doesn’t drive he won’t understand how tiring it can be. He’s only ever a passenger!

why on earth do young women saddle themselves with these men?

I have an adult DD and DS and I'd be appalled if my DD was with this type of man.

I mean, what's going on that a woman has a child with a man like this?

Looking at this, he's too lazy to learn to drive - which is a pretty basic life skill and needed for many types of employment - and he demands his partner drives 600 miles in 2 days when she is an inexperienced driver.

Honestly, @Annie802 is there any good reason why you are with this dickhead and had his child?

Of course you shouldn't do it.

I don't agree that 300 miles there and back is dangerous, I've done pretty much that trip myself over the years, but you have not driven more than 30 miles.

He needs to get the train, or hire a taxi to take him, (yes it will be £££) , or a coach, or ca share perhaps with anyone else going.

You need to give your head a wobble and stop accepting this type of behaviour from your partner.

He sounds a complete waste of space - why are you with him?

Just say ''NO'' - not fair on the baby or you. So immature and selfish

That length journey is not OK for you right now and almost definitely not OK for your baby who, depending on age, shouldn't be in a car seat more than a couple of hours a day.

The question you should be asking is 'How do I leave this man?". He honestly sounds just dreadful.

why were you supposed to be paying for fuel???????????

If you are a couple (and you have had a child with him) why is there this discussion over 'your money' and 'his'?

Is this how you were brought up by your family?

You have very low expectations of a relationship.

it comes across as if he tells you what to do and you don't actually plan things together as a couple.

How old is he going to be? 18?

He sounds like a silly spoilt child.

It would be better not to go than to do what he wants. What about bad weather? Or baby cries a lot in car? You don't feel well ? He may be worse than useless if there are any problems on return journey (such as bad weather, car trouble, traffic etc) if he drinks too much.
He is asking YOU to do something he can't and won't do himself.

Maybe show him this thread.

I can't imagine why you are with him.

Is he like this with other things?

Mean?
Irresponsible?
selfish?