To not want to drive?

[Annie802]

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

[Tricyrtis2022]

@NANAitsathemtheytheir

I easily did thar mileage at least once a week for work (long days doing interviews, so intense work).

But, I think it is too much for a fairly new inexperienced driver. On the other hand it could be just what the OP needs to show her she can do it.

OP - try to think about the journey as batches of 30 miles. Once you've done the 1st 30 miles all you are doing is another 30 miles.

Take plenty of breaks. Make sure you know your journey in advance so you don't worry about getting lost. Also, make sure you have taken time to get the alcohol out of your system.

Why should she have to do it, though? She's said that she's already exhausted and is very nervous, plus she has a new baby to consider. It's already been noted that babies shouldn't be spending that long in a car seat. It's very unfair of you to try and volunteer her for something that may very well put her, her baby and her useless partner in danger.

[amonsteronthehill]

So he won't drive.
And he expects you to do a 300 mile drive and then back almost immediately, with a baby in the car. Oh, and pay for the privilege (fuel).

And he doesn't do chores in his own home.

Bet he doesn't do much baby care. Or give you a break.

I'd get rid of him now so your child doesn't remember you telling him to get to fuck. Won't notice if he goes now.

[MysteryBelle]

@Batiqueattic

He wants you to put yourself & the baby in danger so he can go on the piss. You are nowhere near experienced enough as a driver to do this and, with a baby on board too, your concentration will be badly affected. He uses you. All the time. He's vile.

This. He is demanding you drive with baby in car for very long journey there and back just so he can get drunk with buddies. No way.

Let him take the train. There is no fun or good time for you in this situation. He sees you as the unpaid chauffeur. He will only get worse.

[RobinaCherry]

No way would I do this, and my dh wouldn't expect me to. He drives though, and I doubt he'd want to do it himself.

[TheShellBeach]

@Annie802

He’s now saying he won’t go at all, refusing to get the train. I’ve tried to offer alternatives but he’s refusing.
i was supposed to pay for fuel too

You were supposed to pay for fuel? It gets worse.

OP I think it is time you evaluated exactly what this man brings to your life and your relationship.

He sounds lazy and entitled.

[Newyearnewmeow]

Raise your bar OP. He’s a selfish twat.

[Saracen]

Haven't RTFT. Even if you were a very experienced driver and not exhausted from having a baby, that is way too much driving in a short space of time! Ridiculous of him to assume you'd be happy with it. Clearly he has no idea how tiring it is to drive, even at the best of times.

[PrinceHaz]

He sounds so, so horrible. Stand your ground. He can’t believe you’ve said no because he’s selfish and expects you to do what he wants.
I wouldn’t want to be with him on the basis if what you’ve written.

[SapphireSeptember]

Fuck that. I don't drive, but personally speaking I'd rather get the train for a long journey than be on the roads. Most trains are electric these days, so no fumes, and it's fumes that make me travel sick! Even going on short journeys by bus or coach make me queasy, ditto when people are kind enough to give me a lift anywhere in their car. Your partner is being a humongous arse about the whole thing!

[RampantIvy]

He can’t be bothered to learn to drive

He will be relying on you to ferry him around. Dig your heels in and only give him a lift somewhere if it fits in with your schedule. You aren’t a taxi driver.

He’s now saying he won’t go at all, refusing to get the train. I’ve tried to offer alternatives but he’s refusing.

Oh, poor diddums. Is he to too much of a baby to get the train on his own?

I am a confident driver and do a lot of motorway driving. It takes me around 4 hours to drive the 211 miles to visit family on a good run without stopping, most of it being on motorways. Add another 80 miles which is probably another hour and a half, then add in stops for your baby. You are talking approximately 8 hours each way in a 24 hour period. There is no way I would drive this distance within a 24 hour period without sharing the drive with DH.

@Annie802 you are so not being unreasonable.

Do not give in to his tantrum. If he really wants to go then he can go by train. Also, I'm afraid that he has shown you what he is by not pulling his weight. You hold all the cards. Keep it that way.

[VickyEadieofThigh]

@MavisMcMinty

If he doesn’t drive, he won’t understand the concentration required, especially for a new nervous driver. And I remember when I first started driving how achey I felt after an unaccustomed long trip - arms, back, neck, probably not helped by the tension and anxiety of being inexperienced. And that was without a baby in the car! YANBU, but he’s possibly NBU either, as a lifelong passenger he just doesn’t understand what driving entails.

Yes! I could barely walk when I got out of the car after my first solo long drive (London to Sheffield) and I had 2 days to get over that before I drove back - and it's not 300 miles each way.

[GabriellaMontez]

Wow you're his taxi driver and you pay the fuel too.

Is this a drop in the ocean ? Does he contribute fairly to the baby, bills, nursery? Is he supporting you to look after the baby? Financially and practically?

Or does he have form for sulking, emotional blackmail and laziness?

[EsmeShelby]

As he doesn't drive he does not understand how tiring that amount of driving is. Don't do it.

[SillySausage81]

I'm a very confident driver, and I drive 250 miles one way several times a year to see my mum.

I would find this exhausting even without a young baby, and I would refuse to do it.

Bear in mind that with a young baby you have to stop for a break every 2 hours at LEAST, to get them out of the car seat for a bit, and that's without factoring in unexpected nappy leaks, sicking up, bouts of screaming... if you don't yet know how your baby copes on long car journeys then be prepared for the journey to take at least 30% longer than usual/what Google Maps says it'll take. At least.

He's being very selfish and immature, quite frankly.

Not being a driver himself, he obviously has no idea of how tiring a long journey like that can be, and how DANGEROUS it is to drive when you're tired.

If he's upset, he shouldn't have made assumptions and made plans that require your SIGNIFICANT input without fully consulting you first.

[SillySausage81]

I forget to mention, when I was a new driver whenever I did long journeys (200 miles+) I usually needed a whole day to recover from the backache, let alone the tiredness. And when you get to the destination you'll be too tired and dazed to enjoy yourself. Tell him to get the train and be CRYSTAL clear that if he refuses to do so then it is ENTIRELY his own choice.

[Lovelysausagedogscrumpy]

Tell him no. You’re not experienced enough, have a young baby and don’t want to drive all that way having only had experience of short journeys. If he won’t pay for the train or take the extra day off, tell him to make his own arrangements and go on his own. If he does, I’d have a rethink of the relationship.

[WisherWood]

It's very unfair of you to try and volunteer her for something that may very well put her, her baby and her useless partner in danger.

Not just them, but every single other person they encounter on the way. It doesn't take much of a slip to cause a motorway pile up. An inexperienced driver, on a long trip, with a baby in the car, tired from a night out, it's just a recipe for disaster. The problem with experimenting to see if you can do this kind of drive is the amount of people you put at risk if you fail. There's no time pressure, the OP can build up her experience far more gradually than this.

[SillySausage81]

you should tell his parents they can see the baby, becaue you are happy to use the train and stay two nights so not only do they get to baby sit for one night and see baby you’d like to have lunch with them the following day too (even if you cook it at theirs) and it is their son who is refusing to use the train nor have the day off work so he can spend lunch with them because he is too cheap to pay for that 😉

Absolutely this.

[dylanthedragon]

Never mind whether you can drive the distance, that's far too much for a baby to be in their car seat in such a short space of time.

I drive 300 miles fairly often (M6) and on a bad run it can take over 7 hour. My DCs are not babies anymore but they can find it hard going. There's no way I'd do there and back in 24 hours. You will be exhausted and that's dangerous.

And why are you paying for the petrol? Do you know how much that would? Probably almost a tank each way. How does that compare with what he has paid for the hotel?

[JoonT]

I don't blame you for being anxious. Britain's roads are a flippin nightmare now. There are just so many goddam cars that you never have a second. Make one mistake, or hesitate for a moment, and people are on you, bibbing and gesticulating, etc. I'm pretty close to losing my nerve tbh.

[Dora33]

Well done on passing your test while having a baby.
Ignore his guilt trips. They are the only trips he should be having with his horrible attitude.
I often drive 200 mile trips and do be tired after them and I'm driving over 20 years.
Never mind the regular stops you will need for the baby.
I recently had to drive 155 miles and then 155 miles back in the 1 day in the very cold frosty weather. Journey there took 3 hours 40 mins and back 3 hours 30 mins.
I was shattered and the last thing I could have done was go on a night out.
He shoyld always pay petrol money when you are driving somewhere to suit h or a joint journey.

[Tippletoomany]

tell him to learn to drive first and then tell you it’s not a big deal.

YANBU

[AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason]

I wouldn't sign up to drive 600 miles over 48 hours when I am sober and feeling great. Let alone with a baby and big night out. I'd stay home with baby and watch box sets instead. Let him go on her birthday thing - as he pleases and alone.

[AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason]

Just read your updates.. So he gets a free driver, car, fuel and baby caretaker + brownie points for visiting parents - at YOUR cost? Your car, your money, your time and your effort? No way!!
Plus you'll be shattered when you are back and guess who is going to be looking after the baby and playing house?

[JS91]

It's recommended that newborns have no more than 30 mins at a time in a carseat, young babies 2 hours. More than that and there is a risk of difficulties with their airways/breathing.

Besides the driving risk, the tiredness, conditions etc - which not only put you guys at risk, but other road users, which is a disgusting thing to insist on - that drive could be a genuine risk to your child's health. What's more, you don't know if they get carsick, either. Babies can stop breathing without someone being aware if the issue involves a gradual loss of oxygen, and if they were to get sick there is that added complication. Even without the worst quietly happening as a result of the long journey, if the baby were to be sick or started to cough/sputter would you be confident enough in this man's ability to handle the situation for you to be able to find somewhere to safely pull over? As that sort of location isn't always immediately available.

This will always be a risk when travelling with a young baby. But the longer the journey, the more likely that something happens whilst you're in the car, even ignoring what services say about risks of prolonged time spent in a car seat. And consider that the stress, the tiredness, will likely put your nerves even more on edge so you may struggle to control emotional responses, focus, etc. Which means that if he's useless at responding to the baby's needs in the car the situation is once again much more dangerous. Or if he makes some stupid thoughtless comment about being tired.

This should be non-negotiable. Feel free to message his parents and tell them what he had planned without consulting you, and explain your stance. Not that you have to, but in case he's not giving the whole story - unless theyre unreasonable holes too.

It's worth noting, just as an additional thought, that this would likely constitute dangerous driving and be considered an offence. Importantly, there are a tonne of competant drivers on here highlighting that they would consider this dangerous - which is what a jury or judge considers when placing a verdict and sentence. If something were to happen you'd be screwed. Yes it's a degree of catastrophising, but there are numerous factors stacking the odds towards something happening. And when it involves risks to other road users, it's something I struggle to consider as reasonable.

gqs-solicitors.co.uk/motoring-law/careless-and-dangerous-driving/