Page 13 | To not want to drive?

Annie802 · 2023-01-19T11:23:17+00:00

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads. He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option. As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive. We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back. He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home! I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back. he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time. AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

SomeCommonThing · 19/01/2023 18:30

I would do 600miles in 2 days.
I would be fuming however if my DH expected me to do that for a night out which I absolutely would not be able to partake in, and expected me to stand about while he got ratarsed.

BigFatLiar · 19/01/2023 18:39

Depends on where your going and when. 300 miles even via motorway could be 6 hrs depending on traffic. Then you add on a comfort break, nappy check, feed, possibly too breaks. Then a detour for the in laws, drop and run or stop and say hello and talk about the baby. That could be another hour or more. You may be looking at a nine hour trip including stops, following which you're expected to go out socialising. Get up in the morning and repeat.

Worst thing about motorway driving (apart from the traffic and roadworks) it's boring, just miles and miles of driving at the same speed.

LuckyStone · 19/01/2023 19:02

OP you WILL get rid of this utter tosser sooner or later. Make it sooner and safe yourself some precious time.

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 19:05

300 miles each way is too far for a new driver with no motorway experience. I drive long distance a lot as my family live 250 miles away and I’ve lived here for 22yrs. It’s tough doing that drive, I’ve never driven back again after 1 night. He either sucks up the train cost of books an extra day’s leave.

Nevermind31 · 19/01/2023 19:10

Ah well, it is his fault then that his parents don’t get to see the baby, and that he doesn’t get a night out.
getting you to drive AND pay for petrol???
he doesn’t drive… he doesn’t get to decide.

Confusedteacher · 19/01/2023 19:16

Absolutely no way, and I’ve been driving for 20 years! Also, does he know the price of petrol?!

Please stick to your guns OP. Train or 2 nights in a hotel is the only way.

Original poster

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 19:29

Thanks everyone, it’s really helped me realise I need to stick to my guns on this, which tbh I find hard to do as I always wonder if it is my issue or something wrong with me. He won’t budge on train or another night so looks like we are just not going at all, so will have to just deal with him being moody about it on the day. No doubt his mates may think I’m out of order but I’ve got no problem explaining why.

me and him are very close, but he’s generally quite lazy and he’s always been that way. Doesn’t pull his weight around the house and I end up doing it all. I thought it would change when we had a baby and he assured me he would help more but no, always ends up going the same way no matter how much we talk about it.

OP posts:

Confusedteacher · 19/01/2023 19:32

In terms of his mates, do they know he can’t drive? Anyone who can drive would agree that 600 miles in 2 days, with a boozy night out in the middle is not on!

Original poster

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 19:35

Confusedteacher · 19/01/2023 19:32

In terms of his mates, do they know he can’t drive? Anyone who can drive would agree that 600 miles in 2 days, with a boozy night out in the middle is not on!

Yeah they do so hopefully they just understand!

OP posts:

SchoolTripDrama · 19/01/2023 19:37

I’m more confused as to why on earth you’ve had a baby with someone who doesn’t even drive!? How unattractive. This is just the beginning of your new volunteer role of chief taxi driver

Devoutspoken · 19/01/2023 19:38

No way, get a train

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/01/2023 20:04

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 19:29

Thanks everyone, it’s really helped me realise I need to stick to my guns on this, which tbh I find hard to do as I always wonder if it is my issue or something wrong with me. He won’t budge on train or another night so looks like we are just not going at all, so will have to just deal with him being moody about it on the day. No doubt his mates may think I’m out of order but I’ve got no problem explaining why.

me and him are very close, but he’s generally quite lazy and he’s always been that way. Doesn’t pull his weight around the house and I end up doing it all. I thought it would change when we had a baby and he assured me he would help more but no, always ends up going the same way no matter how much we talk about it.

I'm glad you won't be subjecting yourself & baby.

Out of curiosity, why did you think he would change when a child came along?

CaveMum · 19/01/2023 20:15

Sadly these men never change when a baby comes along, or if they do it’s usually for the worse.

Ask yourself this, do you deserve better? You know you do - you deserve a partner who does his fair share of household work and looking after his own child and contributes to household finances. You deserve someone who respects you and doesn’t expect you to act as chef, maid, chauffeur and mummy all rolled into one.

Think about the example being set for your child - would you want a daughter to end up with a partner who contributes so little, or for a son to act so entitled? Set yourself a time limit. Don’t waste your best years on someone with no respect for you.

richmondmum1 · 19/01/2023 21:59

You need to put your foot down with this dickhead right now as he is not going to change. Stop being his skivvy and taxi driver.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/01/2023 22:01

@Annie802, how old is your baby? You mention 'very young' - did you know that 2 hours in any 24h period is the maximum recommended until age 6 months, with time lying on a flat surface around the car seat time. That's because of SIDS risk.

And the risk won't suddenly drop at 6 months 1 week.

You are doing absolutely the right and safe thing in saying no. Your partners needs and wants are no longer paramount here. Might be a shock for him, but - them's the breaks.

RampantIvy · 19/01/2023 22:33

Please don't have any more children with this lazy waste of space.

Gagagardener · 19/01/2023 22:42

The advice is not to use car seats for longer than 30 minutes for babies younger than four weeks and not using car seats for more than two hours in one go for babies of all ages (The Lullaby Trust, 2016).
www.nct.org.uk › driving-yo...
Driving with your baby or toddler long distance: tips for road trips - NCT

RampantIvy · 19/01/2023 22:44

So you stay at home or all go by train or fly.

Moonyblue · 19/01/2023 23:13

Please do not contemplate doing this! This sounds like such a dangerous combination of things and he is a selfish partner so he is likely to stress you out even more!

Imagine doing a wrong turn he would just make the pressure worse and be no use whatsoever!

Tell him no way! I am an experienced driver and so is my DH no of us would let the other do this type of journey unnecessarily

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/01/2023 00:21

Gagagardener · 19/01/2023 22:42

The advice is not to use car seats for longer than 30 minutes for babies younger than four weeks and not using car seats for more than two hours in one go for babies of all ages (The Lullaby Trust, 2016).
www.nct.org.uk › driving-yo...
Driving with your baby or toddler long distance: tips for road trips - NCT

Good point, it’s in no way going to be like battering through with one break as an experienced driver could do with no kids. There will need to be a LOT of stops.

Rosieroe · 20/01/2023 06:09

You simply cannot drive after a night’s heavy drinking. It is illegal as the alcohol content in your bloodstream would still be over the limit and if stopped by the police and breathalysed you could loose your license, never mind that you would be compromising the safety of everyone in the car and every other road user.

Rosieroe · 20/01/2023 06:11

Plus your insurance would be void.

CecilyP · 20/01/2023 06:31

Confusedteacher · 19/01/2023 19:32

In terms of his mates, do they know he can’t drive? Anyone who can drive would agree that 600 miles in 2 days, with a boozy night out in the middle is not on!

Well it would be no boozy night for OP. While her DH parties, she would just be his unpaid chauffeur! Even if he doesn’t drive himself, he knows OP is an inexperienced driver with a baby, so is very lacking in imagination not to realise this trip is untenable.

Carlycat · 20/01/2023 09:09

He sounds like a real catch...

LookItsMeAgain · 20/01/2023 09:48

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 19:29

Thanks everyone, it’s really helped me realise I need to stick to my guns on this, which tbh I find hard to do as I always wonder if it is my issue or something wrong with me. He won’t budge on train or another night so looks like we are just not going at all, so will have to just deal with him being moody about it on the day. No doubt his mates may think I’m out of order but I’ve got no problem explaining why.

me and him are very close, but he’s generally quite lazy and he’s always been that way. Doesn’t pull his weight around the house and I end up doing it all. I thought it would change when we had a baby and he assured me he would help more but no, always ends up going the same way no matter how much we talk about it.

The way to deal with his moody behaviour is to send him home to his mother (if she is still around). Tell her that you're sending her son home to her as he isn't pulling his weight around the house, not looking after his child, not doing his bit, and furthermore he's adding to your stress by demanding (not asking), that you drive 600 miles for a birthday celebration for him when there are other modes of transport available and he is cutting his nose off to spite his face!

Send him home.

Start afresh with you and your baby and get some legal advice as to what you can do to get maintenance and support from him.