AIBU?
To not want to drive?
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23
My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.
He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.
As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.
We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.
He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!
I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.
he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.
AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
pursudebyablackdog · 20/01/2023 10:33
If you are on maternity leave your baby can't be very old, Personally I wouldn't want a child under six months old in a car seat for approximately 5 hours (and that's a conservative estimate journey time at 60mph). You'll be exhausted and need an early night...not late night revelling!
He needs to learn to drive, if he wants the convenience of wheels.
You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Clymene · 20/01/2023 10:36
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 19:29
Thanks everyone, it’s really helped me realise I need to stick to my guns on this, which tbh I find hard to do as I always wonder if it is my issue or something wrong with me. He won’t budge on train or another night so looks like we are just not going at all, so will have to just deal with him being moody about it on the day. No doubt his mates may think I’m out of order but I’ve got no problem explaining why.
me and him are very close, but he’s generally quite lazy and he’s always been that way. Doesn’t pull his weight around the house and I end up doing it all. I thought it would change when we had a baby and he assured me he would help more but no, always ends up going the same way no matter how much we talk about it.
Men don't get better once they have a baby, they get worse.
ReneBumsWombats · 20/01/2023 10:51
I thought it would change when we had a baby
Yes, it would get worse. Why would an inherently selfish, lazy and entitled person suddenly change when things get harder? Why would he suddenly give any more of a shit about you or anyone else? His priority was always himself.
KirstenBlest · 20/01/2023 11:01
I thought it would change when we had a baby and he assured me he would help more
It does change, they end up doing less because you are now seen as Mum, and his mum did everything.
It's not help, it's pulling his weight.
bumpytrumpy · 20/01/2023 11:15
I'm a confident experienced driver and a confident experienced parent.
There's no way I'd be arsed with any of that!! What are you getting out of it except stress and exhaustion? You're going to be worrying about the baby and the drive and not enjoy any of it.
He'll be happy snoozing in the passenger seat and drinking all night.
Just don't do it!!! Send him on the train and enjoy a cosy night in (planning how to kick him out based on your other posts, but that's for another time!)
bumpytrumpy · 20/01/2023 11:17
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 12:12
He still doesn’t get it and now I’m feeling guilty because now he’s saying his parents won’t get to see our baby. I feel shit
Fuck that guilt tripping shit.
His parents can visit the baby like any other normal grandparents. Or he can take it to visit like any other normal dad. None of it needs to involve you facilitating his boozing.
bumpytrumpy · 20/01/2023 11:19
ReneBumsWombats · 20/01/2023 10:51
I thought it would change when we had a baby
Yes, it would get worse. Why would an inherently selfish, lazy and entitled person suddenly change when things get harder? Why would he suddenly give any more of a shit about you or anyone else? His priority was always himself.
This
Binfluencer · 20/01/2023 11:21
He's monumentally selfish isn't he? What does he bring to the relationship? Not housework, money or driving it seems
littlemousebigcheese · 20/01/2023 18:43
He sounds awful but the sad thing is you'll be back soon, with another baby or one on the way talking about how he is still making you pay for everything, you're stuck with no money etc. he's shown you what he's like, he said he'd change after the baby (they always say they will) and you're still feeling bad about upsetting him.
vickylou78 · 22/01/2023 09:48
Nope with a baby that's a nightmare journey. You'd have to do so many stops it will take forever. Either train or you have to stay longer so you can be fresh to take a whole day driving back.
Annie802 · 25/01/2023 19:33
Update - we are getting the train. However I still managed to get that wrong. To make it easier I said my parents could look after DD so it would be easy us just getting the train.
He said no he wants his parents to. So I booked a family train ticket so we have a seat for baby so we have extra space and it was cheaper for some reason than booking just the two of us.
Then all of a sudden he said oh great that means she definitely has to come with us and we have to get the train time you booked. But that’s what I thought he wanted, and I showed him the time of the trains before i booked it.
I don’t know. I’m exhausted and feel like I can do nothing right ever. Hopefully the train journey goes ok, as no doubt I’ll do something else wrong and I’m worried he’ll be pissed off because I didn’t drive. I’m just feeling so on edge.
FlakyCroissant · 25/01/2023 19:46
ColdHandsHotHead · 25/01/2023 19:37
He sounds like an utter wanker.
Not just sounds. He is a total wanker.
SavoirFlair · 25/01/2023 19:54
Annie802 · 25/01/2023 19:33
Update - we are getting the train. However I still managed to get that wrong. To make it easier I said my parents could look after DD so it would be easy us just getting the train.
He said no he wants his parents to. So I booked a family train ticket so we have a seat for baby so we have extra space and it was cheaper for some reason than booking just the two of us.
Then all of a sudden he said oh great that means she definitely has to come with us and we have to get the train time you booked. But that’s what I thought he wanted, and I showed him the time of the trains before i booked it.
I don’t know. I’m exhausted and feel like I can do nothing right ever. Hopefully the train journey goes ok, as no doubt I’ll do something else wrong and I’m worried he’ll be pissed off because I didn’t drive. I’m just feeling so on edge.
I’m sorry to be negative @Annie802 but it sounds like you’re in a pattern of trying to please someone who needs to learn how to be in an adult relationship and not throw tantrums or exasperation just to get attention.
If he wants to go, then HE SHOULD BOOK. He should take the lead. Instead of standing back and criticising from afar, he could pull his fucking finger out and do the legwork!
has someone taken away that power? Can’t he type?
Yeah someone has. It’s YOU. You’re enabling him - as long as you’re logistics and co-ordination, no matter what method of transport it is, he can whine and criticise.
He needs to book his own travel. And you need to break out of this pattern of enabling his criticism. It’s negative.
MavisMcMinty · 25/01/2023 19:59
Why are you with him? Apologies if I’ve missed the posts where you explain all of his excellent qualities as a partner and father. You must have a very low opinion of yourself if you think this waste of oxygen is in your league.
Clymene · 25/01/2023 20:01
Why the fuck are you staying with this abusive arsehole? If you don't think you deserve better, your daughter does.
Tayloru · 25/01/2023 20:01
SavoirFlair · 25/01/2023 19:54
I’m sorry to be negative @Annie802 but it sounds like you’re in a pattern of trying to please someone who needs to learn how to be in an adult relationship and not throw tantrums or exasperation just to get attention.
If he wants to go, then HE SHOULD BOOK. He should take the lead. Instead of standing back and criticising from afar, he could pull his fucking finger out and do the legwork!
has someone taken away that power? Can’t he type?
Yeah someone has. It’s YOU. You’re enabling him - as long as you’re logistics and co-ordination, no matter what method of transport it is, he can whine and criticise.
He needs to book his own travel. And you need to break out of this pattern of enabling his criticism. It’s negative.
Annie802 · 25/01/2023 19:33
Update - we are getting the train. However I still managed to get that wrong. To make it easier I said my parents could look after DD so it would be easy us just getting the train.
He said no he wants his parents to. So I booked a family train ticket so we have a seat for baby so we have extra space and it was cheaper for some reason than booking just the two of us.
Then all of a sudden he said oh great that means she definitely has to come with us and we have to get the train time you booked. But that’s what I thought he wanted, and I showed him the time of the trains before i booked it.
I don’t know. I’m exhausted and feel like I can do nothing right ever. Hopefully the train journey goes ok, as no doubt I’ll do something else wrong and I’m worried he’ll be pissed off because I didn’t drive. I’m just feeling so on edge.
You’re right.
he wanted me to contact his parents as well to tell them that I wouldn’t be driving and ask them to pick up our DD but I said no. So he’s done that.
but you’re right I need to look at why I do this. I don’t even know. I wish I wasn’t this weak.
MysteryBelle · 25/01/2023 20:29
I couldn’t put up with him. I’d put him on the train and tell him to stay away.
lamaze1 · 25/01/2023 20:30
You sound downtrodden. He sounds like he is looking to trip you up so he can have a go at you. His behaviour is unreasonable. Seriously tell him to go on his own and have a nice quiet stay at home. You know full well he'll find something to be nasty about if you go and then you'll be accused of ruining the trip. If he chooses not to go because you stay at home that is his problem. Not yours.
Sunnydays0101 · 25/01/2023 20:47
Would you jot just stay home with your baby and he can go to the party himself?
MeridianB · 25/01/2023 21:08
It sounds like he’s bullied you into going so his parents can see the baby. And he can feel like a big man with everyone buying him birthday drinks.
Unless you really want to see his folks and they can’t come and visit you, I wouldn’t be going. Hours on a train with a tiny baby. I will put money on him spending the whole time there and back on his phone, plugged into headphones, sleeping.
rothbury · 25/01/2023 21:12
Mate, this man is abusive. You’re treading on eggshells and your self esteem is dipping.
what is your financial/home set up? I can’t see this improving to be honest, and you and DD deserve better.
Ffsmakeitstop · 25/01/2023 21:14
I agree with everyone else. He's a lazy twat who wants you to do all the work so he can moan about it.
Please have a serious think if this is what you want to model to your dd.
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