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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive?

374 replies

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

OP posts:
Newtrix · 19/01/2023 11:25

I'm a confident driver and have driven for almost 20 years and even I wouldn't fancy that. Long drive on barely any sleep and eith a hangover... no thanks!

VainAbigail · 19/01/2023 11:25

I wouldn’t be going at all and he’d be getting the train by himself if he was that concerned about going! Cheeky swine!

Mosaic123 · 19/01/2023 11:26

That's too much driving. I think it would be dangerous.

Don't go.

Mosaic123 · 19/01/2023 11:26

He can get the train on his own

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 19/01/2023 11:28

No way, you'd need to stop drinking fairly early and you'll be worried about the drive back. Plus driving is so tiring, concentrating for so long. I'd put your foot down to be honest.

He either pays for the train for both of you or he just goes. Also, if you've just had your baby he should be supporting you not you feeling like you don't have any money for fun?

Thistooshallpsss · 19/01/2023 11:29

I’m an experienced driver but I think that’s far too much for a new driver plus baby in tow. As the partner of a non driver how much when and where I drive is entirely my decision and my partner has absolutely no say in it - not that he would he’s very grateful and has health issues. Non drivers have no idea what’s involved.

Walrussy · 19/01/2023 11:32

I am a reasonably confident driver but wouldn't fancy 300 miles after a night out (booze and bad sleep), especially if I'd done 300 miles the day before.
If he won't pay for the train, he isn't going to be able to go, is he? Maybe that will teach him to check with you next time rather than treating you as a free taxi driver. Cheeky little toad.

Original poster
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:32

These replies are making me feel maybe I’m right then as I’m exhausted already without doing this as well. He doesn’t understand why I don’t feel up to it and is pissed off at me. Plus I’m worried as we have our baby so have to stop loads as the journey is so long.

OP posts:
MadeofElephantStone · 19/01/2023 11:32

He's unreasonable to expect you to drive a 600 mile round trip in 24 hours with a baby in tow.

Lkydfju · 19/01/2023 11:32

I’m a confident driver but I wouldn’t do that; 300 miles is a long drive and I’d want at least 2 nights there and driving back after a night out when you’re tired is really hard work at best and at worst quite dangerous. It’s quite a long drive for your baby to do as well for two days in a row.

Walrussy · 19/01/2023 11:38

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:32

These replies are making me feel maybe I’m right then as I’m exhausted already without doing this as well. He doesn’t understand why I don’t feel up to it and is pissed off at me. Plus I’m worried as we have our baby so have to stop loads as the journey is so long.

He needs to adjust his expectations for his life. Even without a baby, he'd be very unreasonable to expect this of you. With a baby, it just becomes ridiculous. Life changes once you become a partner and a parent and it sounds like he's expecting you to shoulder the responsibility in this situation while he enjoys his piss up.

Bonbon21 · 19/01/2023 11:40

Totally out of order for the baby...too long in a car seat even with regular stops...
You shouldnt be drinking ANY alcohol with the return drive in front of you.
And if he is so clever why does HE not have a driving licence??
Let him go alone by whatever means he can find.
Is he always so selfish?.... in which case i would be rethinking the entire relationship...

Steviebrown · 19/01/2023 11:40

I've been driving for many years and I would do it. But I would not be nervous about it and I wouldn't have a baby in tow. Fuck him, tell him you're not going at all and he can get the train. As he doesn't drive maybe he doesn't understand how stressful and tiring it can be, especially when you lack experience. This is one of those threads where maybe he does need to read what everyone is saying!
My advice to you is don't make the mistake a lot of new drivers do and carry on doing short journeys. Get in some practise alone and gradually expand your boundaries. Let your partner look after the baby and get out and drive. If you feel really unconfident about anything, maybe motorway driving, get some support and pay for an instructor to give you a bit of a boost.

abyssofwoah · 19/01/2023 11:40

He’s being completely unreasonable. Long drives are taxing, and as a new driver you’re still honing your skills. I would not do that with a baby in the car, even if you did feel confident.

Also, he obviously thinks that now you’ve passed your test you’re available to taxi him around the country as he pleases. Nip that one in the bud right now! You each pay your train fare or you just refuse to go.

Original poster
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:42

Bonbon21 · 19/01/2023 11:40

Totally out of order for the baby...too long in a car seat even with regular stops...
You shouldnt be drinking ANY alcohol with the return drive in front of you.
And if he is so clever why does HE not have a driving licence??
Let him go alone by whatever means he can find.
Is he always so selfish?.... in which case i would be rethinking the entire relationship...

He can’t be bothered to learn to drive. I’ve been asking him to for the last year but he won’t or has an excuse.
and yes he is quite selfish sometimes. I do the majority of the housework because he doesn’t like doing it and is happy to live in a mess so I’m the mug. But that’s another story

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/01/2023 11:43

I wouldn't want to do that as a confident driver, let alone as a new driver with a young baby.

He's being really unreasonable.

Remona · 19/01/2023 11:44

I’m a confident, experienced driver and I’d probably do it at a push.

However, a new driver with a baby? No chance.

Non-drivers seem to have no clue how tiring and stressful long drives can be. Add a baby into that mix and it’s completely unreasonable.

mcterfald · 19/01/2023 11:44

600 miles in 2 days? Fuck that.

OwwwMuuuum · 19/01/2023 11:44

I’m an experienced driver and wouldn’t want to do that if it could be avoided. For context I happily drive anywhere and everywhere and regularly do 120 miles and back in a day to visit DPs who live 2.5h away from us.

The sheer distraction of even having passengers (let alone your baby) when you’re driving on the motorway…so dangerous for a new driver.

After 2 hours driving you’ll be exhausted and less likely to respond well to hazards.

This time of year you’ve also got ice/rain and low sun/darkness to deal with.

If you were my daughter I’d be worried for you to do this.

2 night stop over or he goes alone on the train. Non negotiable.

XmasElf10 · 19/01/2023 11:46

300 miles is a LONG way. I am a very confident driver of 20+ years and I wouldn’t do 300 miles and then party and then drive home the next day. 180 miles normally takes me about 3.5hrs (with wee stop) and I’m shattered afterwards. 300 miles would probably need 3 stops with a baby of at least 30 min a piece so 6.5/7 hr total… I’d be done for!

AnotherNameChangeYes · 19/01/2023 11:46

Well how very easy for him to be pissed when he doesn’t fucking drive! You’re not driver or his maid or his skivvy.

MavisMcMinty · 19/01/2023 11:46

If he doesn’t drive, he won’t understand the concentration required, especially for a new nervous driver. And I remember when I first started driving how achey I felt after an unaccustomed long trip - arms, back, neck, probably not helped by the tension and anxiety of being inexperienced. And that was without a baby in the car! YANBU, but he’s possibly NBU either, as a lifelong passenger he just doesn’t understand what driving entails.

Swannning · 19/01/2023 11:48

I've been driving 35 years, very confident, do regular SHARED journeys from the SE of England to the NE of Scotland, and I would not do a solo 600 mile journey over 2 days.

As an inexperienced driver with a baby in a car seat, no way should you be driving that distance, it is unsafe for you and your baby.

Sisiwawa · 19/01/2023 11:49

He's being cheeky and un reasonable. I've driven for 30 years and wouldn't do that, with a baby in the car. What if the weather's bad, or the baby's grizzly etc, too much stress for you, and dangerous to give you all that pressure and responsibility.
You're right - don't do it!

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 19/01/2023 11:49

He's very unreasonable to expect that if you. You'll need several stops going and returning to stretch your legs etc. 300 miles is a long drive and you won't be safe if you're tired and stressed out.

I'd tell him get the train go to this thing and you stay home. Train can't be much more than two tanks of fuel.

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