AIBU?
To not want to drive?
Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23
My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.
He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.
As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.
We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.
He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!
I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.
he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.
AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Blurpy · 19/01/2023 12:44
Don't do it, OP. You will be exhausted. And if it's windy, or torrential, and you don't have much experience driving in those conditions, then it will add to your stress.
qpmz · 19/01/2023 12:45
Newtrix · 19/01/2023 11:25
I'm a confident driver and have driven for almost 20 years and even I wouldn't fancy that. Long drive on barely any sleep and eith a hangover... no thanks!
And a crying baby in the back. No way!
Blurpy · 19/01/2023 12:45
Why won't he get the train? He might still be able to get a ticket that's cheaper than driving down would have been!
MotherofTerriers · 19/01/2023 12:46
I think there is guidance on how long a new baby can spend in a car without a break, and it isn't very long. Might be worth having a look. Its not good for them to be in the car seat for too long. Plus baby is likely to be unhappy and crying. Let him go on his own, stay with baby. His train fare is unlikely to be more than the petrol cost
MotherofTerriers · 19/01/2023 12:47
Or there might be a coach service which would cost less?
LumpyandBumps · 19/01/2023 12:47
Just say no - even if he changes his mind and agrees to an extra night.
The weather conditions are bad in lots of places, your 300 miles journey that might normally take 5 hours plus stops could easily increase, and it’s harder and more tiring to drive in rain or snow.
Even then you will have the extra time after dropping your baby off - to stay with grandparents who are unfamiliar?
He is expecting you to pay more in fuel than he is likely to have spent on one night in a hotel, but it’s not about the money.
If your ‘D’P can’t see that it’s actually dangerous to try to force a sleep deprived, inexperienced driver to make this journey do you really see a future with him?
FluffyFlower · 19/01/2023 12:48
Don't do this. It is a massive stress and all for what? With a baby! Take a train or don't go at all.
HotWashCycle · 19/01/2023 12:48
Just say No. This man is ridiculous, and that is putting it too kindly!
AffIt · 19/01/2023 12:48
I've been driving for 25+ years (I also hold a commercial HGV licence and have worked as a professional driver) - I'm a very confident, capable and experienced driver and I would consider a 600-mile round trip in that sort of time line as a hell of a trip, never mind for a novice driver.
He gets the train or he doesn't go, it's as simple as that.
snowlolo · 19/01/2023 12:49
I actually think that doesn't sound very safe to be honest.
You're a new driver, with a young baby, you are going to be tired and potentially hungover. I'm concerned about the drive back the day after.
You should stand your ground and not do this - it's ridiculous and there are alternative options - he gets the train and goes alone for example.
Notplayingball · 19/01/2023 12:49
VainAbigail · 19/01/2023 11:25
I wouldn’t be going at all and he’d be getting the train by himself if he was that concerned about going! Cheeky swine!
This. Let him travel on his own - by train.
emmathedilemma · 19/01/2023 12:50
Newtrix · 19/01/2023 11:25
I'm a confident driver and have driven for almost 20 years and even I wouldn't fancy that. Long drive on barely any sleep and eith a hangover... no thanks!
Ditto!
That's a ridiculous distance for only one night.
Topseyt123 · 19/01/2023 12:50
So basically we have here a non-driver expecting a newly qualified driver to give him a lift that involves driving 600 miles over two days, with a young baby in the back for much of it!!!!
That is a piss take and a half! I've been driving for 38 years and still wouldn't do that. Similar my DH and he wouldn't do it either. My response to your partner would be that he takes the train on his own or he doesn't go at all. Then just let him stew and sulk.
This could be the deal-breaker for you. He sounds extremely selfish (you said he doesn't even help with housework because he doesn't like it) and I would be seriously reconsidering the future of the relationship.
seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 19/01/2023 12:50
Something else just occurred to me.
Definitely put your foot down now. Stick to the "no" you have now expressed.
Otherwise he will be expecting you to chauffeur him all over the place in the future. It's just not acceptable.
For the future he either needs to learn to drive or he needs to use public transport to get himself to places he wants to go - especially if they are long-distance.
Obviously with you two being a couple then you would be driving him some places but he absolutely cannot expect you to take him everywhere he wants to go, when he wants to go and therefore he needs to make a choice a) learn to drive b) use public transport and put up with the inconvenience that this sometimes causes (depending on where you live)
Who pays for all the costs associated with the car? Maintenance? Insurance? Road tax? Fuel? Are you having to pay all of this by yourself because you're the driver?
SheldonsShoulder · 19/01/2023 12:52
He’ll never change. He’ll continue to emotionally blackmail you. You deserve better.
I remember my ex (who couldn’t drive and I could) trying to guilt me into picking him up at 3am when he was drunk and in a town half an hours drive from where we lived (with our two month baby in the car in the freezing middle of winter with snow and ice everywhere). He nearly guilted me into it because he didn’t want to wait for or pay for a taxi but I said no. He had the audacity to say I was the one being unreasonable because it never occurred to him to think of anyone except himself.
Selfish prick like your partner.
TurtleTriplets · 19/01/2023 12:52
Do not let him bully you into this.
My DP drives for a living and can do 600 miles in two days but he certainly wouldn't be drinking the night in-between or having a baby in the car.
I am a confident enough driver but no way would I do this, I would be way too tired to go out partying and you won't be able to have a drink so he will accuse you of being a killjoy if you want to go back to the hotel early, tired!
SavoirFlair · 19/01/2023 12:53
It’s not the distance that’s the issue. I drive that trip regularly (south east to north east, 300 miles each way).
it’s the fact you are a novice driver, and you have a very young child.
There are clear guidelines for how long a child should be in their car seat for in long journeys. you should be taking one if not two breaks.
I would seriously reply to him that you are not doing it. Just don’t.
XelaM · 19/01/2023 12:54
Newtrix · 19/01/2023 11:25
I'm a confident driver and have driven for almost 20 years and even I wouldn't fancy that. Long drive on barely any sleep and eith a hangover... no thanks!
This!
I love driving and usually see no problem driving long distances, BUT this sounds awful. Long distance on very little sleep and after a night of drinking sounds horrible. Driving when tired is extremely dangerous even for very experienced drivers.
If he doesn't drive he doesn't get to go, unless he pays for the train.
seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 19/01/2023 12:54
It’s not the distance that’s the issue. I drive that trip regularly (south east to north east, 300 miles each way)
it’s the fact you are a novice driver, and you have a very young child
Exactly, plus the fact they are going for a night out which means the OP won't be getting adequate sleep on the night between the two journeys.
AdoraBell · 19/01/2023 12:56
YANBU tell him to get a train and enjoy his weekend. Then you can relax at home with your baby.
TeapotCollection · 19/01/2023 12:57
Another confident, experienced driver who would do this at a push but only for an emergency
Never mind the party, it sounds like you need to ditch him completely
PuggyMum · 19/01/2023 12:58
Crikey my Dh family are 250 miles away. It takes 4 hours.
Im a confident driver and would not go up and down for one night for a night out.
And certainly not with a little one.
We got stuck on the motorway when she was a few weeks old too.
Definitely not unreasonable to insist on the extra night or he gets the train and goes alone.
Cornishclio · 19/01/2023 12:59
That is too far with a young baby and just one overnight. We drive up to see my mum and sister/brother about 250 miles away but there are two of us who drive and we have been driving for many years so we share and we do more than one night away. He sounds selfish or completely oblivious to the concentration needed for such a long journey. Would he even keep your baby amused for that long? I would say no and as a compromise offer to meet his parents half way somewhere. If they won't travel to you then they sound as selfish as him.
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