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Original poster

Ex taking photos of injury

179 replies

Topclassdad · 19/01/2023 06:24

Firstly, sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong bit, I'm new here, so apologies.

I'm 50/50 co-parenting dad and doing a damn good job so far! But, I hit a bump in the road yesterday when i found out my ex had take a photo of an injury that my son (6yrs) sustained while I was playing with him at softplay.

He got a carpet burn on his back after I pulled him along the floor for a bit. He didn't show any distress at the time, or if he did it was very well hidden in his laughter!

After picking him up from school a few days later he told me that his mum had taken a photo of his back. Maybe I'm wrong, but alarm bells immediately started ringing. I asked him why and he said 'it was so she could show a doctor' (he later decided this doctor part wasn't true, but might have changed his mind because he thought he'd said too much and was in trouble?).

I was really annoyed about her taking a photo - it felt immediately like she was 'gathering evidence'. I challenged her on it and she was very defensive saying "its really bad". It's not, it just looks worse than it is! Its a carpet burn! Who hasn't had one of them before?

Well, now I feel like a can of worms has been opened and the lid can't be put back on. Do I now have to take photos of injuries he gets while playing football? From playing with friends? Do I take photos when i find mark on him to explain 'it wasn't me'! Do I start taking photos of injuries I find when I get him back from her? What was previously an amicable separation feels likes it's turned into a very dark alley!

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 06:28

I often take photos of injuries my kids have, not because I’m challenging anyone on it. I mean it could be that there’s an ulterior motive there from her, assume she’s got no concerns about your parenting?

mirty · 19/01/2023 06:33

You could try looking at it another way: she's either documenting something to monitor how it progresses in case the injury gets worse - or she's a bit worried and thinking about protecting her son.

Neither of those are bad things as such, even if it feels a bit hurtful, but I imagine you're also feeling guilty and that's exacerbating feelings of anger and accusation.

If I were you I'd try not to leap to the worst conclusions and keep being open and friendly. And sure, if he gets accidental injuries with you, it might not be the worst idea to log them and mention them to her too?

MeinKraft · 19/01/2023 06:38

Maybe she did ring the doctor? Or wanted to show the chemist to see if there was anything to get for it? I understand why you feel defensive but there's a lot of reasons why she may have taken a picture. And even if it were for safeguarding well, be pleased she's so keen on keeping your son safe. As a mother it is natural to want to defend your children from anyone - even their father if you feel its necessary. But, given she didn't ring you and tackle you about it, I think she knows it was an accident and you ringing and having a go at her was obviously going to get her back up.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 19/01/2023 06:43

I would probably feel the same as you op. But that's because DSS's mum tries to use anything and everything she can against us because she's a ni

Aprilx · 19/01/2023 06:43

I think you are over reacting and there is nothing you need to do now in retaliation. It seems perfectly plausible that she took a photo to show a chemist or doctor, you say it is looks worse than it is, so it looks bad and she is concerned.

Of course there is a possibility that she is worried about him in your care. And it is natural that you would feel offended by this, but there is nothing fundamentally wrong with a mother wanting to ensure her child is safe and being in the lookout.

YellowHpok · 19/01/2023 06:48

I'd do exactly the same as your ex. Sounds like you're minimising the carpet burn. Maybe focus on not injuring your kid via rough play in future.

FourTeaFallOut · 19/01/2023 06:50

Since when is there carpet in a soft play? The whole thing is plastic and I've never known any kid emerge from the pit with anything like a carpet burn.

custardbear · 19/01/2023 06:51

Keep a diary yourself, put your own notes in about what you've done with your son. Is the skin just red? Or broken skin?
She may have worried about scarlet fever too if she didn't know it was there and just found a red rash

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 19/01/2023 06:52

Sorry posted before I finished-she's a nutter. She once accused us of 'exposing DS to chemicals' (?) because he came back to her 'covered in spots'. He had one spot which had appeared apropo of nothing. She Withheld contact for his next planned visit as she was 'concerned about Levels of care'. Any scratch or graze and we were accused of not looking after him properly. Weirdly the same didn't apply when he came to us with a huge gash in his leg having fallen off a stool at her house-but that's because we recognise accidents happen.

After that we took our own pictures of any event /minor injury DS sustained and made sure to message her about her in advance to avoid further allegation. It's the only way to manage it or else you are living on your nerves all the time and feel you need to wrap them up in cotton wool.

It doesn't sound like you are that stage yet but I would keep any eye out for things
Like this. There is nothing you can do about it especially but it's good to be alert to this stuff.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 19/01/2023 06:54

You're overreacting and minimising. You should feel bad about accidentally inflicting a carpet burn on your DS.

Why did your DS think he was in trouble? That's a bit worrying.

Also, it was obvious from the first paragraph, before you mentioned the sex of your DS's parent, that you are a man. Which is interesting, don't you think?

BooksAndHooks · 19/01/2023 06:55

She is likely to get asked about it by school, she may well be documenting it in case it gets worse so she can compare before seeking treatment.

Carpet burns can be really painful, you need to be really careful pulling kids on carpet. It looks red for a few days but can quickly become a painful weeping mess. I had carpet burn as a child and it was horrendous I have never forgotten it.

liveforsummer · 19/01/2023 06:55

I mean you'd have to be pretty rough to have created a carpet burn that 'looks worse than it is' so I'd not be surprised if your ex is a little concerned. I certainly would be. Alternatively maybe she was worried about it becoming infected or needing some treatment so photo could have been die to that. It's also a bit worrying your dc was worried he'd said too much. Watch how you react/question him.

EmmaDilemma5 · 19/01/2023 06:59

Is there are history you're missing out? Was there any abuse in your relationship?

You're jumping to conclusions and instantly going on the offense. You shouldn't have called her, she doesn't have to defend herself to you over taking a picture of her child.

And you shouldn't have put your son in an awkward position.

Move on.

PennyRa · 19/01/2023 07:02

You really should have taken a picture of it as soon as it happened in case a doctor needs to see it and you can track the progress to make sure that it is healing properly.

Surely your phone has a camera? If so I can't see an excuse why you didn't take one and send it to ex

BowiesJumper · 19/01/2023 07:04

My brother was playing with my 2yr old and did the same- he had awful carpet burns which were weepy and then scabbed over. Obviously I was cross with my brother but it’s easily done. But it can look really bad, and big, so I don’t blame your ex for being alarmed.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/01/2023 07:08

he shouldn't have sustained a carpet burn in your care, that isn't an injury that happens as a result of a totally unforseeable accident, or a natural fall. It is the result of carelessness.

She is right to record this type of injury

YOu should be recognising that you have been careless and apologising to your son, and his Mum

They also hurt like hell, so its a worry if he showed you no pain at the time, or he did and you didn't notice. ANd its a worry that he seems to be nervous that he has "told you too much"

ProtestantsHateAbba · 19/01/2023 07:08

Considering you said you have an amicable relationship with your ex, you’re very defensive and quick to assume she has an ulterior motive here? Maybe she saw the carpet burn, wasn’t sure what it was/thought it was a nasty rash and took a photo of it to show the chemist/GP to treat it. You said yourself, it looks worse than it is. She is his mother, she was probably worried. And even more worried now because her child’s other parent is being so defensive about it.

mindutopia · 19/01/2023 07:09

I have an entire phone full of my kids’ injuries. Sometimes it’s to check on how it’s healing. Sometimes to show the pharmacist to ask for a cream to put on it. Sometimes it’s to send on WhatsApp to joke about how ridiculous it is that they did this to themselves. Broken arms, bruises, bullseye rash from when mine got Lyme’s disease. My 4 year old got punched in the face the other day at school, took a photo of that. It’s a really normal thing to do. It sounds like though that this has set off something under the surface that isn’t normal though and you need to sort that out in yourself for your son’s sake.

Theunamedcat · 19/01/2023 07:10

I do this photo document things its so I have a frame of reference for healing the Dr found it useful when ds had an infection that caused his eye to swell we could track the swelling by the photos see if the antibiotics were working or not

Nimbostratus100 · 19/01/2023 07:11

It's not, it just looks worse than it is!

Hmm. Burns dont "look worse than they are". They look as bad as they are.

Redebs · 19/01/2023 07:17

Nimbostratus100 · 19/01/2023 07:08

he shouldn't have sustained a carpet burn in your care, that isn't an injury that happens as a result of a totally unforseeable accident, or a natural fall. It is the result of carelessness.

She is right to record this type of injury

YOu should be recognising that you have been careless and apologising to your son, and his Mum

They also hurt like hell, so its a worry if he showed you no pain at the time, or he did and you didn't notice. ANd its a worry that he seems to be nervous that he has "told you too much"

Yes.
Carpet burns aren't normal.

Hoardasurass · 19/01/2023 07:18

@Topclassdad Your biggest screw up in all of this is the questioning of your son. He can't tell you what his mother is thinking or why she took the photo.
You should have informed your ex about the injury to your DS's back instead of allowing her to discover it herself.
Basically you are 100% in the wrong and owe both your ex and ds a massive apology.
Oh and BTW I am having difficulty believing your explanation of his injury as truthful

Sucessinthenewyear · 19/01/2023 07:20

It would have hurt. Did you let the other parent about when they returned the child? When my 3 yr old had a friction burn I informed nursery so they were aware.

Emmelina · 19/01/2023 07:24

Did you tell her he had a carpet burn when you dropped him home again at the time, or has she found it in the bath and panicked? She could have taken a photo to get the mark identified with friends/a pharmacist/Mumsnet.

Quinoawoman · 19/01/2023 07:25

Carpet burns can 100% be accidental. I gave my self burns sliding down the stairs (on purpose, indoor sledging on bin bags) when I was a kid. I don't see anything suspicious here. I think it's just worse than you thought so she's taking photos for medical reasons.

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