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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex taking photos of injury

179 replies

Topclassdad · 19/01/2023 06:24

Firstly, sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong bit, I'm new here, so apologies.

I'm 50/50 co-parenting dad and doing a damn good job so far! But, I hit a bump in the road yesterday when i found out my ex had take a photo of an injury that my son (6yrs) sustained while I was playing with him at softplay.

He got a carpet burn on his back after I pulled him along the floor for a bit. He didn't show any distress at the time, or if he did it was very well hidden in his laughter!

After picking him up from school a few days later he told me that his mum had taken a photo of his back. Maybe I'm wrong, but alarm bells immediately started ringing. I asked him why and he said 'it was so she could show a doctor' (he later decided this doctor part wasn't true, but might have changed his mind because he thought he'd said too much and was in trouble?).

I was really annoyed about her taking a photo - it felt immediately like she was 'gathering evidence'. I challenged her on it and she was very defensive saying "its really bad". It's not, it just looks worse than it is! Its a carpet burn! Who hasn't had one of them before?

Well, now I feel like a can of worms has been opened and the lid can't be put back on. Do I now have to take photos of injuries he gets while playing football? From playing with friends? Do I take photos when i find mark on him to explain 'it wasn't me'! Do I start taking photos of injuries I find when I get him back from her? What was previously an amicable separation feels likes it's turned into a very dark alley!

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
MountainChalet · 19/01/2023 08:13

I can't blame them, if I was concerned about a injury I would have done the same.

Lachimolala · 19/01/2023 08:16

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/01/2023 08:11

It'll be seen at school.

'Can you tell me what happened?'

'Daddy dragged me across the carpet'.

'Why are you making a fuss, everybody gets carpet burns, it just looks nasty, this is his Mum's doing, isn't it, I'm a great Dad, me?'

Your ex is the least of your worries.

I was thinking this.

GoldilockMom · 19/01/2023 08:17

Did you treat the injury?

NearlyMidnight · 19/01/2023 08:19

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 19/01/2023 06:54

You're overreacting and minimising. You should feel bad about accidentally inflicting a carpet burn on your DS.

Why did your DS think he was in trouble? That's a bit worrying.

Also, it was obvious from the first paragraph, before you mentioned the sex of your DS's parent, that you are a man. Which is interesting, don't you think?

Do you not think the username was a clue??

SomeCommonThing · 19/01/2023 08:20

I have always taken photographs of any of DS injuries that have either occured out of my care, or that require monitoring.

If you didn't tell her that he'd obtained this (in your opinion) minor injury but your DS has gone home and complained it hurt or she has noticed it and asked him about it, of course she's going to be concerned.

As an aside, photographing wounds is an excellent way to track their healing and identify any concerns and I'd recommend every parent does it, but maybe that's just the HCP in me 😂

Toddlerteaplease · 19/01/2023 08:22

FourTeaFallOut · 19/01/2023 06:50

Since when is there carpet in a soft play? The whole thing is plastic and I've never known any kid emerge from the pit with anything like a carpet burn.

Soft play my we take my friends daughter too has carpet.

Campervangirl · 19/01/2023 08:22

Never heard of anyone taking photos of a carpet burn to show a GP, however nowadays sending photos to a GP for an assessment is normal, had to do it myself.
Carpet burns can be nasty but don't you just put some antiseptic on them?
Personally I think she's taken the photo for potential evidence.
You have a plausible explanation and I expect your DC knows you didn't hurt them intentionally and would say so.
I assume your ex knows you wouldn't intentionally hurt your DC.
I'd put it out of your mind, business as usual and move on.
Pick your battles, drop this, don't bring it up again and ignore all the ops on MN who want to berate you for giving DC a carpet burn, perfect parents they are, one and all.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/01/2023 08:24

Why were you dragging him across the floor at soft play? Surely the whole point of soft play is you get to sit in peace while your kid plays. I suspect performance parenting.

wishuponastar1988 · 19/01/2023 08:25

I think you should have informed her of the accident when you dropped your child off so that she was aware. I also don't agree with taking photographs of marks on children on a regular basis - if this is a one off as need to seek medical attention or whatever then fine but the line is crossed if she actively checks her child's body and takes photos of every single mark on a regular basis. I would also expect a 6 year old to reasonably be able to tell where an injury had come from so if there was anything untoward the child would share what happened/parent would recognise a change in the child's behaviour to raise concern.

I don't think we know enough about your relationship with your child's mother/history/your parenting to comment further. I would refrain from taking pics of any marks your child has though as the impact on them is significant - I would ensure you are passing over any info regarding accidents on handover though.

wishuponastar1988 · 19/01/2023 08:26

Sorry that meant to say 'every mark' not 'any marks'

NearlyMidnight · 19/01/2023 08:26

OP it's the sort of world we live in. PPs are right that school might ask - and if the mum doesn't know that looks bad. So take pics yourself, keep a record, pre-warn mum if DS gets a bump. Keep communication open.
With GPs now you often have phone consults and they ask for pics so again - not necessarily sinister motives.

Carpet burns don't always hurt at the time - or look bad - we used to get them a lot as kids in rough play - but they look bad when they begin to heal and can easily get infected - so Ex wasn't wrong to keep an eye.

FWIW I see the demise of rough play as a loss. We used to do so much of it - real physical rough and tumble, laughing and shrieking. Few people do that now.

1910username · 19/01/2023 08:26

When will men in mumsnet realise they should post as women in order to get a fair response?

Tandora · 19/01/2023 08:27

Quinoawoman · 19/01/2023 07:45

It's accidental if no harm was intended.

I slid down the stairs on purpose so would you say I self harmed?

Show quote history

No , but there’s a middle ground between intentionally causing harm and an accident (that’s where charges like criminal negligence/ manslaughter come from) - in this case the harm was caused by Dad engaging in recklessly rough play with his child.

OP YAB so U. I would be upset if my child got a nasty carpet burn on her back by being dragged around by her Dad (this would never happen). You are minimising here.

I take photos of injuries / marks/ rashes on my kids skin all the time. I have sometimes needed to show them to a doctor / pharmacist. Sometimes I just want to document , to look them up later or keep a record to see if they get better/ worse.

Did you inform your ex about DS’s injury when you handed him back? You should always do this.

mattyd · 19/01/2023 08:29

I've never seen a carpet burn, they can't be that common.

rainbowstardrops · 19/01/2023 08:32

I don't blame his mum for taking the photo - sensible imo - but surely you told her about the carpet burn when you dropped him off?

ImpartialMongoose · 19/01/2023 08:32

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 19/01/2023 06:54

You're overreacting and minimising. You should feel bad about accidentally inflicting a carpet burn on your DS.

Why did your DS think he was in trouble? That's a bit worrying.

Also, it was obvious from the first paragraph, before you mentioned the sex of your DS's parent, that you are a man. Which is interesting, don't you think?

He says he's a dad near the top of the post, idiot 🙄

Twiglets1 · 19/01/2023 08:36

I understand you are feeling defensive but think the best thing would be to discuss this with your ex directly. Why did she take a photo? Does she have concerns about your ability to co-parent? Hopefully she can reassure you but you do need to communicate.

BadNomad · 19/01/2023 08:38

You didn't know dragging bare skin across a rough surface causes friction burns?

Ilovelurchers · 19/01/2023 08:42

It's astonishing - not only does everybody always photograph every injury their child has, but also you probably did it deliberately/don't care that you hurt him, AND are lying about there being carpets at soft play! Basically you should just apologise to everybody for even existing.....

Back in the real world, it is understandable you feel paranoid about this, many people (not all) would. If you have always got on well with your child's mother in the past though, maybe try and speak to her about it, calmly and frankly, and agree a mutual MO for any injuries your child might accidentally sustain going forwards.....

Goodread1 · 19/01/2023 08:45

Hi Op

I understand your concerns totally,

it just struck me,

Is your ex partner/wife under social services in any way?

Are you under social services in any way too?

As obviously in those circumstances she probably feels under pressure to justify or explain any accidenchildren your children have,

Which is obviously very stressful 🙄 headwork,

But is unfortunately the way things have turned out to be temporary type of thing..

I have been under social services temporary cause I was struggling as a single parent due to my own really shit childhood trauma in the past..

GabriellaMontez · 19/01/2023 08:48

YellowHpok · 19/01/2023 06:48

I'd do exactly the same as your ex. Sounds like you're minimising the carpet burn. Maybe focus on not injuring your kid via rough play in future.

I'd agree with this. Concentrate on not hurting your son. You're the adult. Has this happened before? Ever?

TightFistedWozerk · 19/01/2023 08:48

Best not be dragging your kid about the floor in future.

I hope you did advise his Mum at drop off that an accidental injury has been sustained at soft play. Nursery/school will question how an injury occurred if they observe one.

OngoingCrisis · 19/01/2023 08:49

rogueone · 19/01/2023 07:47

My worry on reading your OP and minimising the burn it that then burn was obtained when your were dragging your child across the floor in anger. The fact the poor kid was worried he was in trouble says a lot. If I was a grandmother and saw that on my grandchild I would be worried especially when his mother tried to minimise it

Dragging him across the floor in anger? It just sounds like OP was playing with their kid.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 08:49

1910username · 19/01/2023 08:26

When will men in mumsnet realise they should post as women in order to get a fair response?

Indeed.

I'm a mother. Accidents happen, and sometimes we accidentally play a part in them. I also had a toddler dislocate an elbow while I was holding them. It's bad enough getting the third degree at a&e when it was entirely accidental.

But yes OP, the photo could be entirely normal these days, especially as you and your ex are amicable. With the difficulties in getting doctors appointments, we are getting asked to send photos of rashes etc rather than be seen face to face.

It's always tricky when the parent wasn't there. As a teacher in a special school, I'd often, quite reasonably, be asked by a parent about a bruise or scratch they discovered when the child came home. I did feel very vulnerable on some of those occasions. Bruises often pop up late, and the original incident simply not be seen.

A carpet burn is also one of those things that gets worse before it gets better.

Sechskrügelgasse · 19/01/2023 08:50

My advice? Stop dragging your child across carpet. Playing shouldn't result in carpet burns.