Ex taking photos of injury

[Topclassdad]

Firstly, sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong bit, I'm new here, so apologies.

I'm 50/50 co-parenting dad and doing a damn good job so far! But, I hit a bump in the road yesterday when i found out my ex had take a photo of an injury that my son (6yrs) sustained while I was playing with him at softplay.

He got a carpet burn on his back after I pulled him along the floor for a bit. He didn't show any distress at the time, or if he did it was very well hidden in his laughter!

After picking him up from school a few days later he told me that his mum had taken a photo of his back. Maybe I'm wrong, but alarm bells immediately started ringing. I asked him why and he said 'it was so she could show a doctor' (he later decided this doctor part wasn't true, but might have changed his mind because he thought he'd said too much and was in trouble?).

I was really annoyed about her taking a photo - it felt immediately like she was 'gathering evidence'. I challenged her on it and she was very defensive saying "its really bad". It's not, it just looks worse than it is! Its a carpet burn! Who hasn't had one of them before?

Well, now I feel like a can of worms has been opened and the lid can't be put back on. Do I now have to take photos of injuries he gets while playing football? From playing with friends? Do I take photos when i find mark on him to explain 'it wasn't me'! Do I start taking photos of injuries I find when I get him back from her? What was previously an amicable separation feels likes it's turned into a very dark alley!

Any advice appreciated.

My son got a carpet burn from soft play, on his arm from a rope ladder. He slid down it and caught his arm.he didn't cry or tell me at the time as he was so engrossed in playing. I didn't notice it as he dressed himself at age 4 almost 5.
Nursery saw it when getting him changed and made a referral to social services as I hadn't mentioned it upon dropping him off. It was horrible, they asked him over and over again how he did it, then I had to take him to hospital to confirm it was an accidental injury.
All was okay and the discharges us after the hospital assessed him but I was devastated. Now if my kids get an injury I photograph it and file it with a note regarding how/ when/ why etc.

@Topclassdad You'll never get a fair hearing on MN. FWIW, my children grew up in the days before phones etc, so there was no photographing of ordinary childhood injuries, thank goodness. I once got a carpet burn from some vigorous (ahem) bedroom activity. It should clearly have crossed my mind that my partner was abusing me. I'd try to forget about it and not let the fear of batshittery stop you from having fun with your son.

"I'm 50/50 co-parenting dad and doing a damn good job so far!"

What an odd thing to say - you are a parent btw, succeeding as a 50:50 parent doesn't warrant a pat on the back !

I know this sound rude and abrasive and I'm sorry but it's just so weird. I can't imagine a mother doing 100% saying this and needing validation for doing their job.

I’m sorry you’re getting such a rough time on here, OP, and I can see why you’d feel your ex is gathering evidence (though that doesn’t mean she is, of course — unlike others on here, I don’t tend to take photos of my DC’s injuries but did once take photos of a rash my DD had, for an online consultation with the GP). I know you’ve brought it up with her once but can you chat to her about it again? If you can somehow clear the air and keep things amicable between you, it will make everything so much easier — for the two of you but also your son.

I suspect he said it because the assumption on here is that only women can be good parents, and that men are basically abusive wastes of space who are incapable of looking after a fish, never mind a child.

Well both women and men can be good parents but not while they are dragging kids across carpet (in a soft play?)

Did you actually tell her at the time that it happened or did he just return home with an unexplained injury?

@Sechskrügelgasse you are right, we should wrap the children in cotton wool and should not attempt to engage with them lest they get slightly hurt. In fact, only cold foods from now on in case they burn their tongue and definitely won’t be buying them bikes or letting them play outdoors.
It was an accident, my kids have been dragged many a time by myself or their father, not aggressively and not with malice.
It wasn’t a random adult as you keep describing, op is his dad and they were playing around.

I have taken photos of my kids various injuries over the years though OP, don’t read too much into it. It was probably to show friends or family instead of building up evidence , unless it’s a regular occurrence and she suspects you of abuse.

If she sent the child back to you @Topclassdad then I would doubt she is plotting, and I don't think you need to start a photo war.

I'd imagine she took it in case school / dr / friends ask what happened and she says "I don't know, it happened at his dad's" and they ask how she can be sure.

I can think of a few reasons she could have done this. Maybe she's documenting evidence against you. Maybe she had a virtual appointment with GP and was asked to submit a photo (common). Maybe she was wanted to share with her mum/friend/sister. Maybe she wanted to monitor healing....and maybe she was 'covering' herself. All of these reasons will have your child's welfare at the core.
Either way she's quite entitled to do this....as are you. I'd say the immediate concern is that everything's healing up nicely and your child isn't starting to sense that its become 'a thing' between you and mum. Longer term....be more careful!

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM that's makes sense but along side the user name it makes me think quite the opposite which doesn't help

If she suddenly saw the mark on his back and thought it was a burn from something hot or a rash then she may have taken the photo to show her mum or doctor as she may not have seen a carpet burn before or recognised it as being that.

'Vigorous bedroom activity' is worlds apart form a child being dragged by an adult 🙄

Just if it makes you feel any better about this. When I was about 17 i had to look after my 18 month old nephew. He was in his nappy and a vest. I was sitting on the floor with him and he wriggled out-of my way so i pulled him back toward me on his nappy across the carpeted floor. He LOVED THIS so we did it a few times. He was squealing with happiness at the end of it. To my absolute horror, I discovered a small carpet burn at the bottom of his back between his nappy and the vest where it must have rolled up a bit. It didn't bother him in the slightest. I had to explain to my sister and her husband , never felt so ashamed, but the baby , was absolutely fine. He didn't even care afterwards either.

Quite a few red flags in the way you express yourself in your post OP:

1. Minimising the injury
2. Appeal to majority ("Doesn't everyone get this type of injury?")
3. Attributing a level of comms sopistication to your child which a 6 year old would not have
4. You super friendly style! With lots of exclamation marks! - nice guy vibes

Overall your ex is right to take a pic and you'd be wise not to drag your child hard enough over an abrasive surface to injure him in future, hope that helps.

Oh yeah and "It looks worse than it is!" is such a classic from the abuse playbook.

You should have absolutely pretended to be the woman in this situation to get a fair response. If I was separated from my dh and he did this I wouldn’t like it either and in all honesty I suggest you start keeping a diary and noting and dating anything like this. I can 100% see many valid reasons for her taking the picture but she could have just asked what happened and communicated any concerns. The fact your child acted worried for telling you also makes me feel like she’s said “don’t tell dad”. On a final note our soft play has a green carpeted area where the children can play football with soft stuffed balls.

Just because things aren't done with malice or are accidents, doesn't make them right! Again, if you're happy to injure your own children with rough play then carry the fuck on. Don't get upset when others question why your child is injured though. And please don't start a woe is me MN thread about it like this 'Top Class' dad has done.

I wouldn't admit to dragging my children about as if it's something to be proud of either. There are plenty of ways to play with children physically without dragging them around.

This is what I was getting at. Indirectly.

Where on earth do you get that from? Given that the child was laughing, it seems pretty clear that this was play.

Haven't read the replies as I know what half of them will be. But my take is, she can take a photo if she likes. Why is that triggering for you? Yes if she's taking inappropriate photos then get the authorities involved but as a parent you can take photos of your child's injuries.
Childcare settings best practice is to draw diagrams rather than photos, but for parents it's not a problem.
Is there something else about this that is affecting you? Sounds like your child has picked up that there's more going on than a photo.

Bollocks. A woman would have been asked why she felt dragging a child across a carpet was necessary, why she hadn't treated the friction burn, why she hadn't mentioned it at handover and why she felt that her partner was in the wrong for being bothered by all of that.

You injured your son. You said you didn't think much of it, you also said it was a visible friction burn that you did not treat it mention. It could be assumed that you were ignorant of the fact that your child was hurt or that you didn't care. Neither of which would make a child's other parent particularly happy.

Take a deep breath, put your some first and forget all the Top Class Dad ego bullshit. You made a mistake. Learn from it.

Unfortunately your last post comes across as angrily defensive ‘getting treated badly because I’m a man’. Not the case.

Just because your child laughed doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt him. You are talking about it like it is nothing. But hurt him you did.

And I can’t see any sign of a ‘sorry’ in your posts apart from the one about wondering if you’ve posted in the wrong bit.

That might be why you are getting telt.

Yes, people seem to be missing this. To get a bad carpet burn it's not enough to just pull a young child across a rough carpet against the grain. You'd need to be applying some pressure on the child in order for its back to be pressed hard enough against the floor to cause the burn.

You also made an excellent comment @CaramelMach picking up on the "I'm doing a damn good job so far!" comment. A colleague of mine who works in child safeguarding said that when she hears a parent make this comment unprompted, she files it as an immediate red flag. In her words "Genuinely conscientious parents rarely feel the need to volunteer what a damn good job they are doing at parenting - it is a preemptive defence."