Ex taking photos of injury

[Topclassdad]

Firstly, sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong bit, I'm new here, so apologies.

I'm 50/50 co-parenting dad and doing a damn good job so far! But, I hit a bump in the road yesterday when i found out my ex had take a photo of an injury that my son (6yrs) sustained while I was playing with him at softplay.

He got a carpet burn on his back after I pulled him along the floor for a bit. He didn't show any distress at the time, or if he did it was very well hidden in his laughter!

After picking him up from school a few days later he told me that his mum had taken a photo of his back. Maybe I'm wrong, but alarm bells immediately started ringing. I asked him why and he said 'it was so she could show a doctor' (he later decided this doctor part wasn't true, but might have changed his mind because he thought he'd said too much and was in trouble?).

I was really annoyed about her taking a photo - it felt immediately like she was 'gathering evidence'. I challenged her on it and she was very defensive saying "its really bad". It's not, it just looks worse than it is! Its a carpet burn! Who hasn't had one of them before?

Well, now I feel like a can of worms has been opened and the lid can't be put back on. Do I now have to take photos of injuries he gets while playing football? From playing with friends? Do I take photos when i find mark on him to explain 'it wasn't me'! Do I start taking photos of injuries I find when I get him back from her? What was previously an amicable separation feels likes it's turned into a very dark alley!

Any advice appreciated.

@potniatheron

The weight of a 6 year olds body is enough to cause a burn if that child is being pulled. There’s some physics involved that you would unlikely understand.

Well there are accidentally injuries and then there's asking for an accident. Three kids and no accidental parent-inflicted carpet burns here 🤷🏼‍♀️

Carpet burns are quite unusual injuries to get from playing (not impossible but less common than bruises, banged heads etc), they look awful and also they really really hurt. It is quite possible that your child didn't react much at the time as they were playing (my child is like that and I was too) but then was in a lot of pain come bedtime when he was back at his mums. Especially if it was on his back - I can imagine a tired 6 year old getting very upset if his usual sleeping position hurt. Personally I would know how to treat a bruise or lump but wouldn't automatically know the best thing for carpet burn/would worry about it getting infected so would definitely take a picture for reference/to show a doctor etc.
So I don't think the injury makes you an evil/negligent parent, or would cause social services etc to see you as such. I do think its completely reasonable for his mother to have taken a picture. And if YOU over-react to that by becoming very defensive, taking photos of every injury in a tit-for-tat way then you could end up escalating a small issue into a much bigger one between you.

Yes I am clearly so perfect because I don't injure my children. The bar must be low in your household. Again it's very concerning.

For reference when I say over-react I mean this : "Well, now I feel like a can of worms has been opened and the lid can't be put back on."
It absolutely hasn't been unless you really want it to be.

I don't think so. As I said above my toddler son just recently got a carpet burn just by falling (while running) and his forehead hitting the carpet. The bruise looks like a very, very severe burn. If I hadn't seen it happen myself (and I spent the whole day with him so I know nothing else could have caused it) I would have never believed that this could have happened just by running and falling. On carpet..I even checked the place where he fell to see if there was anything particularly rough or sharp on the floor but no, there was nothing. It was just thick carpet.

None of us know what the real story is as all we have are OP's own words. Maybe that's not how the child got the carpet burn, maybe it was something sinister but i prefer taking posts at face value.

Op, people have given lots of reasons why your ex might have taken a photo. I often take photos of injuries to show the GP (as it's impossible to know when you'll actually get a face to face appointment), or to show family. As others have said she might have also wanted the photo to prove that it didn't happen during her time. She wasn't necessarily gathering evidence to use against you and if you have an amicable Relationship then don't jump to unnecessarily negative conclusions.

Also, please don't interrogate your son. He should never feel that he's stuck between you and your ex or that he needs to cover up anyone's actions.

I also recommend in future when you are talking to people don't call yourself a top class.dad (even if you might be)because it makes.people immediately suspicious as most parents don't feel the need to announce how good they are at parenting.

The point I was making is that the weight of a typical 6 year old child's body alone is probably not enough to cause a serious carpet burn. If I was the mother I would be asking whether there was also some pressure applied to the child's body.
there is a reason why carpet burns generally get come by during wrestling or sex (as a PP rather vulgarly boasted). It's because it's not the movement per se but movement plus pressure from someone else's body or some other external weight.

Carpet burns come from friction, the weight of any child will cause enough pressure when rubbed against a surface. Wrestling and sex are not required.

Yes I am clearly so perfect because I don't injure my children. The bar must be low in your household. Again it's very concerning.

Well obviously I am an abuser for disagreeing with your twisted narrative, add someone disagreeing with you to your list of suspects.

Oh grow up. I never said you were an abuser. A thoroughly unpleasant person however? Potentially. Minimisation of children's injuries is revolting. As if coming into a thread to defend someone who can't fathom why a parent wants to protect their child from injury. But carry on with your 'twisted narrative' too.

Depends on your relationship. If you ignore it then when the shit hits the fan it'll be a bit one sided if only one parent has been gathering evidence.

I'd certainly be wary of her intentions. When I was little I had lots of bumps, bruises and cuts from playing, seems a shame if you're now going to be worried about him getting hurt when with you, no biking, no skateboard, nothing that can cause injury just sit and play with your Nintendo.

Sorry haven't RTFT. But surely the correct response to a child saying "Mummy took a picture of my burn" is "okay. How is it feeling now?"

Minor injuries do happen, and you shouldn't have pulled him along on carpet, but you've learnt now (hopefully). I would fully expect the other parent to have some questions.

I agree you can't be too careful with carpet burns.

Many years ago my eldest son sustained a carpet burn on his back, during rough play with his brothers. When I saw the friction burn it didn't look too bad, so I just put some Savlon on and assumed it would get better in due course.

It didn't. A couple of days later it had turned septic and looked truly awful and required antibiotics. Even the doctor was shocked when he saw it.

If things were previously amicable, maybe have another chat with your ex and say you feel bad about the injury but explain it was an accident and obtained when having fun. Ask your ex "do you think I did this on purpose/out of spite/malice/anger or do you think it was an accident?"

If she thinks it was deliberate, then you've got troubles ahead. If she can see it was an accident, ask "if this happens again, what do you want me to do?" And come up with a joint decision on how to move forward. Eg. If your child gets injured at soft play, you can tell the staff and get an accident report filled in so at least you have a record of how and where it happened for future reference and give your ex a copy. Maybe ask her to do the same.

Oh grow up. I never said you were an abuser. A thoroughly unpleasant person however? Potentially. Minimisation of children's injuries is revolting. As if coming into a thread to defend someone who can't fathom why a parent wants to protect their child from injury. But carry on with your 'twisted narrative' too

So not over reacting to an accidental injury, makes me a thoroughly unpleasant person ?
I'm not sure you are coming out of this sounding too pleasant yourself.

From the tone of his posts I suspect that the relationship with his ex isn't all sweetness and light and he's genuinely concerned that she will use this incident against him.

No, your repeated attacks on me, one poster echoing what the majority feeling on the post, is making you sound like an unpleasant person. I've given examples of my work involved with treating children with non accidental injuries caused by parents and the excuses used by their parents echoing several things the OP has said. And all you took from that post was to sarcastically tell me how perfect I must be.. I couldn't give a shiny shite if you think I'm pleasant or not. I do care about children's safety and injuries, the causes and the treatments. I do expect ALL parents to take them seriously and not minimise the effects and doll it up with just a bit of rough play or 'hijinks'. I do expect ALL parents to communicate with the other parent about what happened when the child was in their care. I don't expect normal parents first conclusion to be that the other parent is 'gathering evidence'. That phrase suggests to me something much bigger is going on and this isn't the first time something 'accidental' has happened.

From the time of his posts he sounds utterly insufferable and melodramatic, not to mention arrogant and defensive.

It must be so hard and exhausting to co-parent with someone who ‘challenges’ you over normal behaviour, someone who ‘questions’ their own child and immediately turns into some bizarre Inspector Cluedo character when the ex in question quite rightly takes steps to parent her child properly.

Quiet day in work today ?

Is all of that necessary?

@Growyourowncrumpets ever heard of annual leave?

I like to do nice things on my annual leave days 😀

Me too 😆 but let’s be real, it’s January most of us are waiting for January pay day and it’s absolutely freezing outside. There nothing wrong with spending time on Mumsnet A/L or not.

Yes so do, I but in the real world people have to take annual leave for things like getting a new boiler system fitted or taking elderly parents to hospital appointments. How lucky you can take all yours to go to nice places.

Oh the hilarity of people on MN during the day, guffawing at other people using MN during the day.

Ha ha ha they ALL do this