For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

[CPHB2021]

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

DH makes just over 60k, which means we aren't eligible for any help with nursery fees or child benefit. He is also paying back his student loan on top of all other taxes.

We've worked out that if I went back to work, I would need to earn nearly 30k for our family to have more money than we are currently bringing in (nursery for 2 children without subsidies would be about 2k per month). I am a SAHM because I have to be. DH's earning potential is way bigger than mine.

All the stuff you listed went out the window when I became a sahm. Everything. I always laugh at people saying they’d love to be able to afford it but we were paying money for me to work and had no option. You’ll find it’s the family with two earners that are better off

Or you were ‘paying money’ for your husband to work, surely?

Or you were ‘paying money’ for your husband to work, surely?
it doesn’t really matter- I was earning a lot less than him and it just happened that our childcare came out the day after I got paid so we both just saw it that way- my wage paid for childcare and I was paying 200 euro on top of that for petrol a month

@MooseBreath you should be eligible for this if neither of you earn more than £100k:

www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Nope. I am an immigrant (have been here nearly 8 years) and have no access to public funds. This means we cannot have tax-free childcare.

Why is always women the ones who "pay" for childcare and not half of it.
Why is always men's earning potential higher?

It's so simple. Because they don't stop working. Because they don't consider themselves as "paying" for childcare. They get experience, seniority, they get promoted, they earn more then.

This should be taught at schools. Women should stay in their jobs, as it is always a step up. And childcare is paid by two people (unless single parents)

When having the mother working a lower paid job means the family is worse off financially, it doesn't matter "who" pays childcare. We cannot afford to take the hit of me working. It is a family budget, not two individuals.

@MooseBreath I can understand where you come from because I made that mistake too. And stayed at home for a few years and was difficult to return to the same industry (and to my shock horror had to go back to an entry level position).
It took me many years to go back to where I was. And it was then when I suddenly understood that taking the hit when babies are small is the best policy for women.

Other friends with very stable marriages at the time, weren't so lucky. One is divorced but still living in the same house with her ex-husband bc she couldn't return to work. Another putting up with a partner (high earner) who happens to be an alcoholic. Another has a husband with a MH issue.
And we all did it for the exact same reason as you said, "I cannot afford it"

It might look as you cannot afford it right now. But it's your pension, your career, a foot in the workplace. It's security. We cannot predict the future.

@girlswillbegirls In a cost of living crisis, it's not that it looks like we can't afford it right now, it's that we can't afford it right now.

It's not a problem that can be solved with a bit of budgeting. We are budgeting. We rent, so we can't remortgage. We don't have family nearby, so we can't have family help with childcare. We can't relocate for cheaper housing because DH's well-paid industry is here. He has only been out of University and earning for 4 years, so his salary will increase.
I cook everything from scratch and batch cook. All of our children's clothes are second-hand. Our heating is set at 16⁰C and can't go lower because we have an infant. We don't smoke and have given up alcohol (except one bottle of wine per month). No gym membership, no extracurriculars, time with friends is a night in playing board games. We have nothing left over at the end of the month.

I may not be able to predict the future, but I know that in the present, we cannot afford for me to work.

I was a SAHM when DH earned 50k. He now earns much more that and we are comfortable but it was only when he started earning over 70k that a single income household became enjoyable rather than a worry.
However, that’s the payoff. We didn’t have holidays and we didn’t have treats but it was still better for the family for me to be at home because of my job and the cost of childcare. Hopefully things have changed with today’s budget as I wanted to work.
Be careful: my DH seemed to lean into the stay at home dynamic and did feck all around the house. Negotiate the domestic before you quit work is my strong advice.

I would always want to work, despite what my husband earns!
For my sanity, independence and for the situations you don't plan for "never rely on a man"

Yeah, I don’t regret the SAHM years but I’m very happy to be working now they are older. It’s weird now as we don’t need the money but it’s for me.

@MooseBreath fair enough. I do feel for you. In my home country in the south of Europe childcare was for many decades heavily subsidised until last year that became free- only condition is to be working both parents or being a single parent. Women certainly have it much much easier.
It's really a no brainer this is so necessary for our society. And specially for women. Women are nearly always the ones ending up taking the risk.
It very unfair you had to make that choice. I didn't have any help from any of our families. I had to stop driving my car and going on holidays. But we did have some room for budgeting and afford not ditching my job, so I did feel annoyed with myself ( not your case at all). It would have made my life easier in the next few years competing with young twenty somethings graduates.
But it is actually possible to go back to where you were, and I am sure you will. Keep your skills through volunteering, anything relevant you can link yo your CV. I wish you all the best.

We live in the North West, 3 teenage kids, big mortgage. DH earn 50k +commission (15k) I earn around 17k part time and we still struggle. If he earnt 100k I could probably not work but I wouldnt I would go mad. If my kids were younger then I would have definitely considered it