For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

[CPHB2021]

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

@Flipthefrugal no worries, like i say we wont all agree on all things. Hope you have a good evening.

DH earns £110K a year and I earn just over £70K. So, I suppose technically either of us could give up work. We quite like our careers, though. And I suppose we’d have to cut back on our outgoings, which I suspect we’d be shit at.

I’m currently pregnant and the plan is to both go down to four days when the baby turns up. We’ll see how we go!

The reality is tho, two people working part time with kids in jobs that are "good for the world" are unlikely to be able to afford much without relying on benefits. The good jobs rarely pay decently down the bottom

Jesus christ, I feel like I’ve stepped into a timewarp to the 50s. Everyone’s entitled to their opinions but I find this really sad to read in this day and age, that by virtue of being born with a dick it’s now your job to “provide” 🤦‍♀️

I dunno, mine and DH’s jobs are good for the world I think (private sector but providing a benefit to the world) and we earn 90k between us. We’re still quite young so this will go up. Not all “good” jobs are nursing/teaching/police/care work.

There’s no amount DH could earn for me to consider being SAHM. I need to keep my career, earnings and pension going as you never know what will happen. Can’t comprehend being fully financially dependent on someone else

The reality is tho, two people working part time with kids in jobs that are "good for the world" are unlikely to be able to afford much without relying on benefits. The good jobs rarely pay decently down the bottom

Not all 'good for the world jobs' pay low wages.

I think that's the crux of it for me, I've always WOH , earned my own money and so have all the women in our family.
Our children have been raised by both of us and I view the type of man who wants a SAHW in a poor light I'm afraid.

Sorry that was in reply to @Lcb123

No, but a good majority of them in the early years do. I'm assuming settling down and having babies late 20s / early 30s which is still quite early in a career to both be able to earn say circa 60k pa and be able to do that job part time.
It's the availability of well paid, part time, worthy jobs within the first decade of a career I was questioning.
. And lots of voluntary sector / nursing / caring jobs are not well paid, esp if you're part time

Well yes, but you never knows what will happen is in the same category. Disabled children, Twins making childcare undo able for a few years, health changes etc. Posters might see me as a workshy loser who's sponging off my DH and setting my kids a poro example, I see I did what I had to do when my baby came our critically ill and wouldn't quit his hospital adduction.

There is quite a problem for the UK at present in too many people working part time including over 50s since the pandemic where we are much worse than EU states are. If the state really wanted more in work of course it could provide free childcare from 1 month old babies but instead it gives just about nothing to mothers who want to preserve a career so they haev to do what we did in the 1980s when my husband and I in the first years each paid 50% of our net salaries for full time childcare the cheapest of which was a full time daily nanny for a baby, toddler and at fiest 3 year old then 4 year old (she was 4 shortly after baby no. 3 arrived). That was then and is today cheaper than 3 full time 8 - 6pm nursery places. It is even worse today costing about £60k to pay a daily nanny in London about £36k because the state forces you to pay the employee pension both employer and employee contributions £8k a year and also as in my day you also have employer, employee NI and tax for the childcare coming out of your own income taxed already. So that is about £30k for each person in the couple. If you look at a good London day nursery for a baby that is about £22k so if you have two babies (we had twins later too) or a baby and toddler that is not much change from £40k (£20k each).

Yup, @SleepingStandingUp, I hear ya. Similar situation here. Life turns out very differently if you have a disabled child. Suddenly your world includes multiple clinics, therapists, assessments. You know exactly what the following acronyms stand for: DLA, PIP, CA, LA, EHCP, SALT among many others. Somebody has to be home all day. Somebody has to do the night wakes.

Impossible to know how it will affect you until you actually live it. Some people on this thread live in blissful ignorance. Slightly jealous of that but I won't hold it against them. That was me too, ten years ago. I was on target for promotion. Earning more than DH. Had a list of all the local childcare providers.

While I was on mat leave DH had a very sudden upswing in his earning potential, easy in the creative industry if your name suddenly becomes known by a lot of people. I was burnt out after 9 long months of HG followed by year of parenting a child who clearly had multiple conditions but none with a name yet. Those nurseries I'd carefully researched wouldn't take him. He clearly wasn't able to be away from me anyway, being very bonded to me and reliant on me to meet his needs.

Who stays home? Me. I wanted to. It was the right decision and still is.

My life had a clear trajectory but then it went way off course. That's ok. I'm happy, and much more empathetic.

Dunno. We could already manage on one salary but we like a nice life and we like to save for a nice retirement.

@SleepingStandingUp
The thread title is how much would your DH have to earn for you to be a SAHM.
Having no choice due to multiples or a disabled child ?
I agree that's not a choice.

Wow, WTAF? Poor man! 😱

@SleepingStandingUp I don't think anyone could argue that in the event of having an ill child/ with disabilities etc the most logical thing to do is for one of the parents to look after him/her full time and give up a job. Very sorry to hear that's your case, fair play to you and all the parents in your position.

I do think the question of the OP is more about what X amount of money earned by your spouse would make worth for a woman to give up a job. To me, it will never make sense to give up a job for whatever amount of money as there is no need to become dependent. But it is a different story if having a child with the needs you are talking about. All the best to you all, fair play.🌹

I know @girlswillbegirls and @Flipthefrugal but my point was just people talk in such absolutes, as if they can control life. "ooh I'd NEVER do that, I have RESPECT for myself and I'd never DEMEAN myself like THAT!". Not sure what thread but someone basically compared SAHMs to cocklodgers, sitting at home spending all a man's money etc.

No-one has said that on this thread though.
It's not helpful to just keep slinging mud at people who so far are having a respectful conversation.
The question was how much and the answer is allowed to be there is no amount.

I've acknowledged that it's different if your life takes an unexpected turn .

@SleepingStandingUp I wouldn't think any of those things about SAHMs, I actually stopped working for 4 years when my DC were babies.
I had my 3 babies in 4 years. The decision was based on what it's mentioned here by many posters, it was going to be very expensive the childcare costs, and I told myself it was more important to be there for them etc.
As I said in previous posts it was a shortsighted decision. It was really hard to go back to work and to my shock I had to start all over again in a very junior position with recent graduates. Getting paid very little. I am very lucky I was able to get my career om track and earn good money these days but I had to work really hard to get to this point.
I have friends who also stopped working more or less at the same time and and they couldn't return as were seing as too old. And some friends had to stay in shit marriages.

I am personally not into clothes, fancy cars or 5 start hotels but I feel very fortunate to be able to fund my kids with some (expensive) sports they practice and give them opportunities. We have also private health insurance and are able to pay our mortgage quicker. If I am with my husband is because marriage is good. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have to stay, as I am able to support my children and pay the bills by myself. That makes me feel secure.
There are many reasons to keep working both parents. If any of us is ill and needs quiting, it will be a good thing to have our mortgage paid.

My experience with getting back to work, was not a issue. I was a SHAM for12 years, did some temping for a few years then went full time a few years ago in my fifties. I know other mums that got back into work no problem, and mum's who worked part time got back up the career ladder again into quite high powered job. If you were a good worker before children you will be a good worker after children. I don't know where the time has gone. It flies by so quickly and don't regret it one bit.

DW earns enough for me to be a SAHM and we'd be very comfortable, but it's never occurred to me. I can't imagine being financially dependent on someone unless it was an emergency. I have financial freedom, a decent pension, and long -term, what if something happened that meant she no longer worked, or earned that much?

When our children were small, I earned about 20% of the gross family income and we were both permanently frazzled. We dreamed of being me being able to be a SAHM. I was in a job I didn't particularly enjoy and working a lot of weekends too. I was part time but felt like I spent my life running from work to school or vice versa and on my two weekdays off, I crammed in all the housework and jobs and tried to keep up with a voluntary role and some studying I had taken up to try to retrain / keep my skills up to date.

About 5 years ago, with children in year 5 and 6, I got a full time but fairly time flexible job doubling my salary and I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel with the rushing around.

Now, I am earning 3 times my original salary and DH who works from home 75% of the time, has also almost trebled his salary. The children are more self sufficient and we are able to buy convenience much more (cleaner, gardener, have delivered shopping not Aldi, run a (small) second car) and much to my surprise, given that we could easily afford it now, I have no desire to be a SAHM.

I love having an interesting job, earning reasonably well has removed financial pressure from DH and made us more secure as a family and he has taken over lots of the mental load as he is home more. Maybe things would be different if neither of us could work from home (I am home 2-3 days a week most weeks) but now I'd rather work and earn money to pay someone else to clean / decorate etc.

Wholeheartedly agree, and I have seen the same. It’s too risky

The cut your own hair,no holidays and eat lentils crew, will say one need very little and what price on being a SAHP?
However it is more nuanced and The op question is very open ended & subjective
Essentually it’s about what lifestyle and outgoings does one have and want to maintain without disruption or decrease