For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

[CPHB2021]

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

Is that supposed to be offensive? Yes I am unemployed, by choice.
I don't know what he earns because I don't ask him, if I did he would tell me.
No I don't, I don't need a pension.
So many people on here are just ignorant about other ways of life, it's shocking.

It wouldn’t be so much our income but what assets we had that would dictate whether I would contemplate giving up work.
I love having a mix of work and family life, but I only do three days per week so maybe that helps? I don’t have an impressive career. I’m just a nurse but there are lots of opportunities and I can work pretty much anywhere in my country. I think unless we accumulated assets I would be nervous about spending too much time out of work because I would lose my registration and my earning potential would significantly decrease. I love my OH but I also know things don’t always go to plan and it feels good knowing I have the ability to rely on myself.

Do you think your DH is sad then?
Thought not, just women who make a different decision to you.
Nothing on this earth would make meconsider being a SAHM, I had time at home with my DC when little,as had 3 ML close together and really enjoyed it but I also love my job, enjoy the challenges and helping people- Midwife.
Oh and I get paid to do it !

Theres nothing sad about it at all.
Have a think why you need to call other women sad.

i was a SAHM and have now gone back to work, we were used to living on DH salary and that means that now saving my salary is much easier.

A lot of people are very negative about stopping work for a few years and they say it will be difficult to go back to work. I think there’s always possibilities to return to work, although of course in certain careers it’s harder. My friend is a doctor and spends all her income in childcare, she had a few years off and says she’s had to accept a job with a very small salary so it fits with being able to pick children up etc.

i’d say there’s the benefit that no matter what DH earns, you get used to living/ adjust your finances to that salary so that then if you go back it’s just bonus money which then makes a difference as it’s not money your counting on to pay the essential bills. Whatever people earn, they find a way to live up to their means (as someone stated earlier, bigger house, private school, personal trainer…)

Probably because women are constantly asked to justify their choices in a way men aren't.

Why don't you need a pension?

What is the female version of a cockloger? That's what you essentially want to be

I don't understand women who don't have careers so that it is worthwhile absorbing the costs of childcare for a while.

Tiny kids don't care who is at home with them as long as they are looked after

As they get older there is value in being able to work around when they are at school so you can facilitate extracurricular activities and help with homework . If you focused on your career up to this time maybe you will have the flexibility to do this as you may have advanced in your career

But mostly - the SAHM stint enables you to not work . If you have a healthy child , bring a SAHM is not hard. Try working and doing all the jobs at home - that's hard

Oh and please don't cry when your spouse leaves you and you are a SAHP and have made yourself vulnerable

Tiny kids don't care who is at home with them as long as they are looked after

What a dreadful thing to say.

wouldn’t like to live in your head, sounds like a pretty fucking horrible place

unfortunately a lot of the vitriol I have received as someone who wants to SAH with my children when they are small tends to be nastiness along this vein

it’s like they want my husband to treat me like a slave and leave me, they are trying to will it into action.

funny thing is- I have a great marriage, no money worries, a fabulous education and solid vocation that I can walk back into any time I want, a husband that values unpaid labour and pulls
his weight and more, plenty of time for study and hobbies. complete financial oversight- we’re a team. oh, and i can do all of the trite ‘lady of leisure’ stuff that I want

i absolutely wouldn’t want to be a SAHM if certain conditions weren’t met, and I understand if you are unmarried or in a career that demands contemporary knowledge - it certainly isn’t advisable.

but for us who have legal protection, agency, enduring careers….you’ve gotta wonder why they are so mad 😂😂😂

Yes, you're probably right. It's just when you don't have this sort of money, you really don't know what you could spend them on. Once you have them, you know I guess, because you're used to seeing certain amounts in your bank account and they don't shock you like they would shock me😅

Well aren't you a treat 😂

Your kids do care a whether you're around or not. It's OK that sometimes you can't be, that days at nursery are long. We do what we have to do but if a 1 yo could make a choice, they'd choose a parent.

Being a cocklodger doesn't involve looking after preschool kids full time, and keeping the house clean, doing the cooking etc. It might not be hard, but you don't understand what a cocklodger is if you think they're all running the house and looking after the kids.

Finally your lack of empathy for others suggests someone who's quite bitter, possibly angry, lonely etc. I hope you manage to find a happiness that isn't predicated on viewing other people are inferior to you.

Missing the point but why would you live in one salary with a mortgage and double childcare? Surely the reason lots of people don't work is because they can't afford the double childcare on two salaries?
Anyway, you don't need to justify returning to work, I don't mean it like that but confused if you didn't want to go back

I think you need to re-read what I said. I didn’t call women said; what a bizarre misinterpretation. I said it’s sad when women say things like they work for the socialisation and for their self esteem.
No, my husband isn’t sad because he doesn’t need a job to have self esteem. Nor does he need it to have a social life.
Women who make a different decision to me aren’t sad either. As I said; read my post properly, I didn’t actually call anybody sad. I said I think it is sad (a feeling, not a person) that people need a job to have self esteem and a social life.

Wow, Mumsnet, I never thought there would be so much bitterness and negativity over being a SAHP. I am a SAHM and enjoy it as much as I can, I love being with my young children although at times can be difficult, there's no doubting that. For us, childcare for 3 under 3 wasn't feasible.

I still don't understand what is sad about being lucky enough to have a job that contributes positively to your quality of life? Why is it sad to have a job that provides social interaction and that builds your self esteem?

You said it was sad, its there in black and white.
Bit of backpeddling there!
So what if they get a boost to their self esteem for doing a good job?
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Literally nothing to see.
Sad is abused women, children and poverty.

Jesus christ, I’ll try again 🙈

I said I THINK it is sad when a woman HAS TO WORK FOR HER SELF ESTEEM! The amount of people who don’t seem to be able to understand a simple sentence is unreal.

Someones only source of self esteem and socialisation being work isn’t healthy. Why is this so hard to understand? If it contributes; fab. It’s it is the only thing you have in your life; unhealthy.

@VioletaDelValle if you still cannot understand this just please move on. I really cannot put it any simpler.

I’ll copy and paste for you what I wrote;

I always find it really sad that many woman say things like this; social aspect, being busy and having a life outside the home

Where have I called women sad? I haven’t. I said “I ALWAYS FIND IT REALLY SAD” that’s a feeling. I’m not calling women who work sad.

Christ this is hard work.

if you still cannot understand this just please move on. I really cannot put it any simpler.

I understand what you wrote ( despite your attempt at backpedalling) but what you haven't explained is why you find it sad? That's my question.

As for men's motivations around work and they work they choose to do....as a society we don't tend to ask men this question in the same way we ask women. However, I've worked as a careers adviser so it was my job to talk to both men and women about their career motivations and men do talk about the same things as women. The only real difference I have observed is women tend to talk about finding flexible work as they are factoring in childcare in a way many men just don't.

As a careers adviser I would always ask my clients to think beyond salary and consider their core values and how they align with work. This might include a job with lots of social interaction and opportunities to develop as a person which is linked the self esteem.

So I'll ask you again, what is there to be sad about?

@Ihatepcos

why don’t you need a pension?

If you didn't work out how much you needed to live on, how did you know that you could afford for you to live the way you wanted? Surely you just didn't stop working while you both crossed your fingers?

@Suprima @SleepingStandingUp

It is because I am content and confident in what I am saying, I can air my controversial views which I am equally happy to do so in real life.

Doing a job and having someone else care for your child a few hours a day does mean you neglect them. Don't know how old your children are but if I ask my teens anything about their very early years, even my eldest when I was working very hard as was junior in my career , they don't remember specifics.

I know several friends and colleagues where both parents work full time and their kids grow up just fine .

You may have a vocation you can go back to at any time but at what level? Maybe it does not matter to you.

Last year I worked freelance and wanted to take a month off in the summer. I worked twice as much the previous week to ensure that my contribution to the family pot is the same. Yes we could have managed without but I didn't want to.

Perhaps cockloger wasn't the correct term. But there are some pp who also want a nanny and have cleaners when being a SAHP .......

I believe the quality time spent with the little ones when you are a SAHP with all the other chores wouldn't be that much more than if you come home after work and share the workload of home

It's a shame you felt you had to describe me in derogatory terms when actually you know nothing about me or my life but I can assure you I am not bitter, angry nor lonely and am in fact very happy with my lot.

Perhaps I regret not making more of my career thinking it was for the benefit of the kids because I now realise it was because I wanted more time to do fun things - when you take your kids to soft play or a play date . Most mothers are not playing with their kids are they? But we all enjoy the catch up with our girl friends at the same time.

Making up for lost time in my career now but I don't think it will match to potential it had as age has caught up with me and I don't have the same drive nor energy
Oh and I can tell you my kids were proud of my job when they were young and now they are older, they would not respect me if I just stayed at home as a kept woman .

English is not my first language but I totally get what @4thonthe4th is saying.

My own opinion is that it really baffles me that no men is ever asked if he enjoys his job, if he has good social interaction in the office etc, it's universally accepted men go to work to earn money, full stop.
I am constantly asked this question and it really annoys me. Last time I was asked this by my MIL and SIL I said "I primarily work to be financially independent. I have friends and a social life outside work".
My MIL is an advocate for SAHMs even though her own personal experience as a SAHM was really tragic. I don't get it.

Let's imagine a secondary school teacher giving this career advice.." Look if you are a male, look for a line of work where you will be able to support yourself, a family and perhaps a lifestyle; but if you are female, either don't bother to have a third level education and rather look for someone to support you or try to look for a job for enjoyment, to meet people but don't worry about how much it pays". Would anyone bring their kids to that school?

Exactly. 5 bed house in Surrey. Part time housekeeper/nanny. Gardener. Private schools fees x 3 (you need to be earning 60k for this since you’re taxed nearly half). 2 nice holidays a year at 10-20k a pop. Buying nice things. Money to spend on medical bills (even with insurance there’s always excess and costs).

it adds up. Of course we could do with less but that wasn’t the question - I thought it was how much was required to maintain standard of living?

Myself and adult son with ASD live on £21,000 and we get by. It’s getting tougher though with the cost of living crisis, I run a small business which is making less profit than it did. Now the DWP are saying they are stopping his PIP after a Capita assessment so that’s a worry. If that happens we definitely won’t have enough to live on.