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Original poster

For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

515 replies

CPHB2021 · 18/01/2023 17:32

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 13:47

chopc · 20/01/2023 13:14

@Suprima @SleepingStandingUp

It is because I am content and confident in what I am saying, I can air my controversial views which I am equally happy to do so in real life.

Doing a job and having someone else care for your child a few hours a day does mean you neglect them. Don't know how old your children are but if I ask my teens anything about their very early years, even my eldest when I was working very hard as was junior in my career , they don't remember specifics.

I know several friends and colleagues where both parents work full time and their kids grow up just fine .

You may have a vocation you can go back to at any time but at what level? Maybe it does not matter to you.

Last year I worked freelance and wanted to take a month off in the summer. I worked twice as much the previous week to ensure that my contribution to the family pot is the same. Yes we could have managed without but I didn't want to.

Perhaps cockloger wasn't the correct term. But there are some pp who also want a nanny and have cleaners when being a SAHP .......

I believe the quality time spent with the little ones when you are a SAHP with all the other chores wouldn't be that much more than if you come home after work and share the workload of home

It's a shame you felt you had to describe me in derogatory terms when actually you know nothing about me or my life but I can assure you I am not bitter, angry nor lonely and am in fact very happy with my lot.

Perhaps I regret not making more of my career thinking it was for the benefit of the kids because I now realise it was because I wanted more time to do fun things - when you take your kids to soft play or a play date . Most mothers are not playing with their kids are they? But we all enjoy the catch up with our girl friends at the same time.

Making up for lost time in my career now but I don't think it will match to potential it had as age has caught up with me and I don't have the same drive nor energy
Oh and I can tell you my kids were proud of my job when they were young and now they are older, they would not respect me if I just stayed at home as a kept woman .

I assume you mean doesn't re neglect.

Just because you're kids don't remember now doesn't mean that the child has no preference
They don't remember eating broccoli and carrots but they had a preference. Neither option is bad but suggesting they didn't care because they don't remember is flawed logic.

I don't care how your kids were cared for so long as they were. Nothing you did makes you a better parent or human than some equally loving and supportive parent who doesn't work.

ChevreChase · 20/01/2023 13:54

Ten years ago I was a SAHM while DH was earning about 40k. After work related costs, that left around £2300 take home. After mortgage (£750) and food (incl. eating out: £550), we had about £1000 a month for all other bills and spending. We didn't go abroad, but other than that we lived pretty well.

Suprima · 20/01/2023 13:57

chopc · 20/01/2023 13:14

@Suprima @SleepingStandingUp

It is because I am content and confident in what I am saying, I can air my controversial views which I am equally happy to do so in real life.

Doing a job and having someone else care for your child a few hours a day does mean you neglect them. Don't know how old your children are but if I ask my teens anything about their very early years, even my eldest when I was working very hard as was junior in my career , they don't remember specifics.

I know several friends and colleagues where both parents work full time and their kids grow up just fine .

You may have a vocation you can go back to at any time but at what level? Maybe it does not matter to you.

Last year I worked freelance and wanted to take a month off in the summer. I worked twice as much the previous week to ensure that my contribution to the family pot is the same. Yes we could have managed without but I didn't want to.

Perhaps cockloger wasn't the correct term. But there are some pp who also want a nanny and have cleaners when being a SAHP .......

I believe the quality time spent with the little ones when you are a SAHP with all the other chores wouldn't be that much more than if you come home after work and share the workload of home

It's a shame you felt you had to describe me in derogatory terms when actually you know nothing about me or my life but I can assure you I am not bitter, angry nor lonely and am in fact very happy with my lot.

Perhaps I regret not making more of my career thinking it was for the benefit of the kids because I now realise it was because I wanted more time to do fun things - when you take your kids to soft play or a play date . Most mothers are not playing with their kids are they? But we all enjoy the catch up with our girl friends at the same time.

Making up for lost time in my career now but I don't think it will match to potential it had as age has caught up with me and I don't have the same drive nor energy
Oh and I can tell you my kids were proud of my job when they were young and now they are older, they would not respect me if I just stayed at home as a kept woman .

tl:dr / doth protest to much

but you have raised pretty horrible kids if you believe they wouldn’t have respected you for staying at home

how very sad

VioletaDelValle · 20/01/2023 13:58

Let's imagine a secondary school teacher giving this career advice.." Look if you are a male, look for a line of work where you will be able to support yourself, a family and perhaps a lifestyle; but if you are female, either don't bother to have a third level education and rather look for someone to support you or try to look for a job for enjoyment, to meet people but don't worry about how much it pays". Would anyone bring their kids to that school?

Just because someone says they like working for the social interaction or in a job they enjoy, doesn't mean they aren't also considering salary. What a ridiculous thing to say!

As a careers adviser I was taught to encourage my clients ( which for a period of time included secondary school children) to consider the whole picture. What is important to you when you are considering your career? That includes salary but can also include they type of work environment you see yourself working in....that is where social interaction comes in to it.

I have always known that I want a job that involves working with people. I love that aspect of my job. One of my closest friends is someone I met through work, I even met me DH at work! My current job has challenged and stretched me immeasurably and I'm so proud of what I've achieved, which in turn has really boosted my confidence and self esteem. I don't need anyone feeling sad for me and it's pretty bloody patronising if they do! and FWIW I also earn a pretty decent salary so It's not like i've neglected that aspect in favour or social interaction.

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 14:08

I have a long list of criteria for me to even think about be a SAHM.
I don't want to be "making ends meet". I wanna be rolling in it 😂😂😂

Flipthefrugal · 20/01/2023 15:11

don't need anyone feeling sad for me and it's pretty bloody patronising if they do! and FWIW I also earn a pretty decent salary so It's not like i've neglected that aspect in favour or social interaction

Exactly
That PA so so sad at your situation is ludicrous and fake.

don't want to be "making ends meet". I wanna be rolling in it 😂😂😂

This!!! Hahaha!
I'll take having lots of money, savings and a great pension over scrabbling by any day.

xogossipgirlxo · 20/01/2023 15:17

chopc · 20/01/2023 09:37

What is the female version of a cockloger? That's what you essentially want to be

I don't understand women who don't have careers so that it is worthwhile absorbing the costs of childcare for a while.

Tiny kids don't care who is at home with them as long as they are looked after

As they get older there is value in being able to work around when they are at school so you can facilitate extracurricular activities and help with homework . If you focused on your career up to this time maybe you will have the flexibility to do this as you may have advanced in your career

But mostly - the SAHM stint enables you to not work . If you have a healthy child , bring a SAHM is not hard. Try working and doing all the jobs at home - that's hard

Oh and please don't cry when your spouse leaves you and you are a SAHP and have made yourself vulnerable

Wow. I feel sorry for you. Must be hard living with your mindset, hating everyone who chose to live different lifestyle than you. You have no idea how many men who are sole earners would laugh at your post.

xogossipgirlxo · 20/01/2023 15:22

Legrandetraitor · 20/01/2023 13:37

Exactly. 5 bed house in Surrey. Part time housekeeper/nanny. Gardener. Private schools fees x 3 (you need to be earning 60k for this since you’re taxed nearly half). 2 nice holidays a year at 10-20k a pop. Buying nice things. Money to spend on medical bills (even with insurance there’s always excess and costs).

it adds up. Of course we could do with less but that wasn’t the question - I thought it was how much was required to maintain standard of living?

Show quote history

No, you're correct and I got your response, it's just interesting how everyone's standard of life differs. I don't have this sort of money so I was curious what people spend them on and what lifestyle they have. Nothing negative hidden in my post, just curiosity 😁

4thonthe4th · 20/01/2023 15:27

Flipthefrugal · 20/01/2023 15:11

don't need anyone feeling sad for me and it's pretty bloody patronising if they do! and FWIW I also earn a pretty decent salary so It's not like i've neglected that aspect in favour or social interaction

Exactly
That PA so so sad at your situation is ludicrous and fake.

don't want to be "making ends meet". I wanna be rolling in it 😂😂😂

This!!! Hahaha!
I'll take having lots of money, savings and a great pension over scrabbling by any day.

I have this. And the time to enjoy all our money too. Pretty perfect life, really. If we “scrabbled by” I’d have to work for a living.

4thonthe4th · 20/01/2023 15:27

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 14:08

I have a long list of criteria for me to even think about be a SAHM.
I don't want to be "making ends meet". I wanna be rolling in it 😂😂😂

This was me. Luckily my criteria was met. Very privileged to have the life we do.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 20/01/2023 15:42

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 14:08

I have a long list of criteria for me to even think about be a SAHM.
I don't want to be "making ends meet". I wanna be rolling in it 😂😂😂

Hahaha I'm the same. I don't want to make ends meet! I had a childhood which was my parents constantly scrabbling to "cut their cloth" and make ends meet and it was rubbish. I love having spare cash and not having to worry about every day spending, to pay for DS to go to higher education without debt, to have a hefty private pension and healthy savings and investment accounts.

And also frivolous shit like holidays in 5* hotels, living in an expensive area, eating out, buying fancy clothes etc.

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 15:58

It depends on priorities doesn't it though and everyone's are different.

For me, doing without the more frivolous stuff for a few years was worth it for the privilege of looking after my kids before they went to school.

But for other people, the latest car, an important job and a foreign holiday are a must.

And for some people, they need 2 FT salaries and still are scraping by.

Just depends on what you want for your family at the time.

girlswillbegirls · 20/01/2023 16:32

@VioletaDelValle Yes, I agree with you that a good fulfilling career and good pay are not mutually excluded.
I am now where I wanted to be. I have a well paid job and a fulling career, because its aligned with my personal goals, I like the organisation and the culture. The role suits me.
But we all know that to get to that point you need to work hard first and go through the pain of low paid roles that lead you to increase your pay and level of responsibility. And you find what you are actually good at on the way. I think it's important to teach this to girls.

I am wondering- Why it's always women focusing on the social aspect of a role?
Why is always women taking in account their net salary to decide to ditchcarrereer, instead of thinking childcare is being paid by both partners (and not by her salary)?

Must be an amazing feeling for you to inspire people to achieve what they are looking for!

TwoMagnificentLabradors · 20/01/2023 16:42

But it’s not just about financial and lifestyle priorities, is it?

I don’t work for fancy cars or foreign holidays. One of my priorities is my mental well-being. Having a job that gives me independence, is stimulating and improves the lives of others is good for me.

No amount of money would make up
for giving that up.

I get that this isn’t how work is for everyone. But I don’t believe it makes me sad, or deserving of pity.

I love raising my kids. I love our family life. I also love my job. It’s not a zero sum game.

VioletaDelValle · 20/01/2023 16:45

But we all know that to get to that point you need to work hard first and go through the pain of low paid roles that lead you to increase your pay and level of responsibility. And you find what you are actually good at on the way. I think it's important to teach this to girls.

There's no suggestion or evidence that we aren't teaching girls this.

I am wondering- Why it's always women focusing on the social aspect of a role?

Because women are asked this question but men rarely are!! Women are asked to justify their decision to work once they have children but men aren't. Therefore we hear far more about women's motivations for working. If people actually asked men they'd get similar answers!!

Why is always women taking in account their net salary to decide to ditchcarrereer, instead of thinking childcare is being paid by both partners (and not by her salary)?

Because society still thinks childcare is women's work.

Must be an amazing feeling for you to inspire people to achieve what they are looking for!

It's a fantastic career. I'd highly recommend it!!

redskydelight · 20/01/2023 16:47

Let's imagine a secondary school teacher giving this career advice.." Look if you are a male, look for a line of work where you will be able to support yourself, a family and perhaps a lifestyle; but if you are female, either don't bother to have a third level education and rather look for someone to support you or try to look for a job for enjoyment, to meet people but don't worry about how much it pays". Would anyone bring their kids to that school?

An awful lot of people (including women) agree with that advise. A quick perusal of MN reveals many women who want to be SAHMs and are frustrated that their DP/DH's salary does not allow it.

Of course girls are more likely to find a rich husband at university, so it probably is worth bothering with higher education.

mollynolly · 20/01/2023 17:05

Sometimes life wangs something unexpected at you and you can't work anymore. In our case it was a DC with multiple disabilities. DH's job is much more lucrative than my old job. Should I have clung on, somehow, to working in education? No. It would never have worked.

chopc · 20/01/2023 17:26

@xogossipgirlxo I am sorry the truth hurt you so much.
I don't hate anyone who chose to live life a different way but just pointing out it is not for the sole benefit of the kids as so many claim

Maybe you are right about the sole earners - I don't know many but the ones I do know think of their wife as "the little woman" whether they express it in those terms or not.

But hey happy to agree to disagree . Unless I have hit a nerve I don't see any other reason for such inflammatory responses 🤔

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/01/2023 17:30

Those that were stay at home mums who didn’t work out of the house and that meant having to cut back on all luxuries etc…

hats off to you!

But how did you get by?!

I would be proper miserable if I couldn’t treat myself to nice holidays, nice make up, clothes and meals out. I mean this stuff makes life nice!

And no, being there for my kids 24:7 wouldn’t compensate for that lack.

how did you manage?

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 17:37

@LuckySantangelo35 I was 21 when I had my first child straight out of uni so I had a job for first 15 months of her life to earn some money (cos we had nothing to our names). My mum looked after her til we raised a house deposit and then I gave up work for ages afterwards.

I never had a "standard of living" to maintain etc and when we got a mortgage when DD was 3, it was based only on one salary and then i was focused on overpaying it so we could move. Everything else paled into insignificance because I knew I wasn't where I'd wanted to be financially when I had her.

So make up, holidays etc were the sacrifice. But I just had a deep feeling that i didnt want anyone else but me to look after her. Same thing with our 2nd child. I didn't think anyone else would do it like I would.

UnicorseTime · 20/01/2023 18:01

I truly preferred being home when my kids get in from school/being around in the preschool years to nice makeup/clothes/stuff. It really isn't as important to me!

If we had more income I'm still more likely to spend it on kids/family activities than "stuff" for me. Those kind of "treats" aren't what does it for me!

I have a low paying part time job but it makes a huge difference in people's lives. That kind of thing does it for me. Of course more money would be great though!

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/01/2023 18:01

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 17:37

@LuckySantangelo35 I was 21 when I had my first child straight out of uni so I had a job for first 15 months of her life to earn some money (cos we had nothing to our names). My mum looked after her til we raised a house deposit and then I gave up work for ages afterwards.

I never had a "standard of living" to maintain etc and when we got a mortgage when DD was 3, it was based only on one salary and then i was focused on overpaying it so we could move. Everything else paled into insignificance because I knew I wasn't where I'd wanted to be financially when I had her.

So make up, holidays etc were the sacrifice. But I just had a deep feeling that i didnt want anyone else but me to look after her. Same thing with our 2nd child. I didn't think anyone else would do it like I would.

@Dacadactyl

thanks for replying to my post! 😊

you were super lucky your mum looked after your daughter all that time (lots of mums wouldn’t)

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/01/2023 18:03

UnicorseTime · 20/01/2023 18:01

I truly preferred being home when my kids get in from school/being around in the preschool years to nice makeup/clothes/stuff. It really isn't as important to me!

If we had more income I'm still more likely to spend it on kids/family activities than "stuff" for me. Those kind of "treats" aren't what does it for me!

I have a low paying part time job but it makes a huge difference in people's lives. That kind of thing does it for me. Of course more money would be great though!

@UnicorseTime

of course! Some people aren’t bothered about that kind of thing! But some of us are. Everyone should be able to spend some of their money on them self whether it’s makeup or diamond painting or boxing that they’re into!

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 20/01/2023 18:04

I'm not fussed about luxuries - I don't work for that reason. I really really enjoy my one day off with the kids and I enjoy the weekends too but when I look after the kids for long stretches - e.g. I did 3 weeks over the summer holidays - they drive me mad. I hate it! It's exhausting and boring at the same time. I feel like my kids are happier with a mix of being with us (my DH also works four days) and childcare too

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 18:05

@LuckySantangelo35 in any other situation I'm fairly confident she wouldn't have e.g. if we'd been married and "sorted" beforehand. But she did it because she knew we had nothing and obviously she was a good bit younger then cos DD is now 16.