For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

[CPHB2021]

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

All I asked @UnicorseTime is whether you would consider a working mum family oriented?

Anyway I've enough of being on the defensive.

This is clearly inflecting how you are interpreting particular comments.

If you're happy with your way of life you've no need to be defensive. People are just having a debate and discussing what works for them.

@UnicorseTime you were just asked a direct question about something you posted, no need to feel you have to defend anything.

It obviously depends on your lifestyle but surprised by those who say they couldn't be comfortable on any less than £100k+ 😳 I guess if you live somewhere extremely expensive like London.

I'm very part time at the moment so not quite SAHM but only work 2 days a week. It works out I earn about £16k on those hours. My husband earns about £48k.

We aren't wealthy by any stretch but we are fine, don't have to panic about bills etc. No we couldn't go out tomorrow and buy a sports car or take 5 holidays a year but we both have our own cars, own our house, take a one or two holidays a year, have the money for treats etc.. I'd be laughing if we had an income of over £120k like some insist they need on here!

@LookyEre we live in the north west and along the lines of:

Take home £6k (car is paid for via salary sacrifice so comes out before we see the money).
Mortgage: £2k (4 bed semi, about 1500sq feet, small garden).
Bills: £500
Childcare: £1200 (1 child
holidays: £500
day to day spending (including all food, days out, clothes, hairdressers, petrol): £1k
savings: £500 (long term for uni fees etc, emergencies)
misc: £300 (boiler fund, Xmas fund, birthdays, house stuff)

We don’t struggle but we’re not jetting off
on 5 star long haul holidays and eating at Michelin star restaurants every week.

We could move to cheaper area, but frankly, given we have a gross income of £140k, I wouldn’t want to! It’s housing that’s the killer!

To be a SAHM parent I’d need to have no housing costs I think rather than have a particular income.

Precisely.
The elephant in the room is that all these " family oriented " men are so happy to have their wives SAH while they skip off to work.
I'm the other end of parenting and so happy I carried on in my career.
I do appreciate we had more flexibility than most(midwife/IT) that enabled us to share CC, school runs etc
I've just taken my pension at 55 and so am working PT now.
I'm surrounded by women who are very bitter they gave up work and have been shafted pension wise.
They are either divorced or watching their DHs retire at 60 while they plod on until 67 .
Bitter doesn't really cut it.
The question of treats is subjective but I do sometimes think all the never going away, no nice stuff/ cheap food is really selfish.
I come from a culture where great pride is taken in being able to give opportunities to DC such as travel, nice home, good food is the norm.
Not to mention the freedom financial stability brings.

@Flipthefrugal you're assuming those who stayed at home can't provide nice things for their kids EVER! My kids have a savings account each which will have nigh on 20k in them by time they're 18 (DD is 16 so not far off now)

I'm PT now too and I'm 37. My kids will be grown by time I'm 44 so will be able to put money aside for retirement as mortgage womt be far off being paid then either.

And how is not going away etc selfish is your husband would prefer you to SAH with rhenkids and you're fully on board with it.

If your husband would prefer you to SAH with the kids

I think the sweet spot is probably both getting to a good wage before kids then cutting back to 3 days each. Kids still get a day in childcare to socialise, home load is spread, and you're minimising earning in the higher tax brackets so on the same household income you see more of it. Plus obviously both get time with kids whilst having something else too.

Nope
I was referring to those who say that they prefer to scrimp , not go away.
Calm down and stop making assumptions.

We both do four days and that works well for us - I think only one day in childcare would have made it hard for them to settle and make friends. Three days in childcare has been a nice balance.

I earned 10x my children's father and would not as a matter of principle ever have given up work actually.

Calm down? I'm perfectly calm, but thanks for worrying though.

My point was that wehad to scrimp, not go away and had no disposable income or treats for my SAH years. But we were prioritising overpaying the mortgage and kids savings because at 21 and 23 as 1st time parents, we weren't in the financial situation we wanted to be in.

You aren't who I'm referring to then so no need for caps and exclamation marks.

If you had enough money to overpay the mortgage and save then you had disposable income.
I'm talking about women who won't WOH even though their children will suffer.
It's selfish.

@Flipthefrugal fair enough. I suppose it's a question of what you consider to be a child suffering.

I personally feel like a young child suffers without his/her parents for a long period of time. My husband felt the same. Not everyone does and for some women they feel they are able to be better parents because they're not doing the parenting 24/7 (my sister for one).

To each his own and all that.

personally feel like a young child suffers without his/her parents for a long period of time.
I think it depends on the age/ demeanour of the child but have no skin in this game as my DC were never in CC or away from us as pre schoolers.

Again why aren't men parenting equally?
Why aren't the ones who want a SAHP doing their share?
Mine did .

@Flipthefrugal for me, I didn't want my husband to do the childcare. He is a different character to me (quieter, less outgoing) and he would've stayed at home doing lots of baking, reading and playing with them. I wanted them out at playgroups, swimming, rhyme times at the library etc. I wouldn't have been happy with them SAH and not socialising as much.

I think it depends on the kind of man you're married to really.

I also think in our specific case, both our mums had stayed at home forever after they had kids. We were both happy in our childhoods, so I suppose you look to recreate that set up, but perhaps unconsciously. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but again, it depends on who you're married to.

Working does not mean spending long periods of time without your child.
Providing for your child = part of parenting

Did what he wanted ever come into it?

My DH is quiet man and I personally think DC benefit hugely from daily FT hands on care by both parents.
Sounds like your DC would have had a lovely balance if both had SAH/ WOH.

@Flipthefrugal Well he didnt tell me this at the time but I've just asked him and he said "I'd have happily stayed at home with them".

But i would find it very difficult to support a man financially unless he became ill or was made redundant. It would've been a non-starter. It is just not for me and in my mind, it's a man's job to provide for his family. Not a popular opinion, but it is mine.

Crikey!
Poor man, I find that absolutely shocking and what a shame for your DC.
Toxic masculinity indeed.

Presumably he'd be supporting you by looking after the home and children, though.

@Thespiantree yes he would, but I thought that was my job when the kids were small. I wanted the kids to be out and about and I knew he wouldn't have done the day to day routine how I would.

@Flipthefrugal well we are all different arent we and we wont all agree.

We are all different but that type of ghastly expectation of a man is direct from the 1950s.
I do admire your honesty but WTAF that's really shocked me.

I tell my son's that it's nice to aim to work part time in something that does good for the world and society, while leaving time to spend with loved ones and as much time as possible looking after their children as they grow up too fast.
I'd expect any decent school to suggest the same (though I doubt they give directives, really).