Page 18 | For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

CPHB2021 · 2023-01-18T17:32:13+00:00

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/01/2023 18:15

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 18:05

@LuckySantangelo35 in any other situation I'm fairly confident she wouldn't have e.g. if we'd been married and "sorted" beforehand. But she did it because she knew we had nothing and obviously she was a good bit younger then cos DD is now 16.

@Dacadactyl

that’s great!
@
I think there would be lots who would be unwilling or unable to provide such a high level of childcare e.g because they had to go to work themselves

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 18:18

@LuckySantangelo35 yes that is true.

mandlerparr · 20/01/2023 18:59

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things that don't and do apply to working mothers. They are not all single. They don't neglect their kids. They are not all liberal or progressive. They are not all rich, they are not all poor. They don't all have lazy partners. They don't all have equally sharing in the load partners. They don't all choose to work as many hours as they currently do. They do worry about saving and what will happen if they lose their partner unless they are already single. And they still worry if the partner is still involved. They should make plans for a loss of partner if they have one. Not all working moms choose to be working moms.
Things that don't and do apply to SAHM. They are not all rich living off of somebody. They are not all conservatives. They don't all spend every waking moment with their kids. They aren't all making zero money (I actually put these with working mothers, but a lot don't, so here we are). They aren't all poor living off charity. They are not all sucking the life from their partners who are working. They do worry about saving and what will happen if they lose their partner unless they are already single. And they still worry if the partner is still involved. They should make plans for a loss of partner if they have one. Not all SAHM want to be SAHM.
Most mothers will go through periods where they are working, staying at home, a combo of both, working from home, possibly a single mother, possibly with a partner that contributes but is not around a lot because of work. Or with a partner who contributes money but doesn't contribute much of anything else.
No matter what type of mother you are, you should have savings and retirement separate from your partner. You should have life insurance. Yes, even if you are a SAHM. None should have to put up with abuse and bull from their partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 19:24

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/01/2023 17:30

Those that were stay at home mums who didn’t work out of the house and that meant having to cut back on all luxuries etc…

hats off to you!

But how did you get by?!

I would be proper miserable if I couldn’t treat myself to nice holidays, nice make up, clothes and meals out. I mean this stuff makes life nice!

And no, being there for my kids 24:7 wouldn’t compensate for that lack.

how did you manage?

I would be proper miserable if I couldn’t treat myself to nice holidays, nice make up, clothes and meals out. I mean this stuff makes life nice! because people have different interests? I don't wear make up. Never have. Having thousands in the bank wouldn't change that. And I can look suitable and presentable for a job without make up, I worked before kids. I like nice clothes but my style is long dresses and jeans over labels and fancy frocks. I have zero ability to appreciate what makes a dress worth 5k unless it's literally covered in gold and diamonds!! Can't fly in holiday as DS isn't medically able to and I have like -10 desire to drive hours across the continent with three kids, thanks. You might rather sell your kids than holiday in Wales on the beach and the pier but it works for us
We do still have money for stuff we like, but it's not the stuff on your list so presumably doesn't count as worthy of your perfect life.

SpaceMonitor · 20/01/2023 19:26

Ihatepcos · 20/01/2023 08:58

Is that supposed to be offensive? Yes I am unemployed, by choice.
I don't know what he earns because I don't ask him, if I did he would tell me.
No I don't, I don't need a pension.
So many people on here are just ignorant about other ways of life, it's shocking.

Show quote history

Not ignorant, just realistic.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 19:29

Why is always women taking in account their net salary to decide to ditchcarrereer, instead of thinking childcare is being paid by both partners (and not by her salary)?

Because society still thinks childcare is women's work.

Actually I think people just take it too literally.

If I earn 12k and DH 24K and childcare is 13k then it's a statement of face that the childcare is higher than my wage. As the lower paid person it makes sense I'd be giving up my job, so it's my salary that counts.

Regardless of how it's paid, our household income is now 23k after childcare. Maybe we keep our own finances and I pay £6.5k or shared and we spend £13k, the point is out overall family income is 23k, 1k less than if I didn't work

GarlandsinGreece · 20/01/2023 19:48

mollynolly · 20/01/2023 17:05

Sometimes life wangs something unexpected at you and you can't work anymore. In our case it was a DC with multiple disabilities. DH's job is much more lucrative than my old job. Should I have clung on, somehow, to working in education? No. It would never have worked.

Amen. I fought the good fight for many years with part-time work. And then chronic illness came along, then Lyme, then Covid complications. I’m much more stable than I was, but 9-5 is completely out of the question. I do still sometimes freelance, but would rather focus my energy on my children and family, and doing whatever I can to keep my health stable. Fortunately, DH earns way into seven figures, so we are more than okay with this arrangement.

girlswillbegirls · 20/01/2023 19:57

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 19:29

Why is always women taking in account their net salary to decide to ditchcarrereer, instead of thinking childcare is being paid by both partners (and not by her salary)?

Because society still thinks childcare is women's work.

Actually I think people just take it too literally.

If I earn 12k and DH 24K and childcare is 13k then it's a statement of face that the childcare is higher than my wage. As the lower paid person it makes sense I'd be giving up my job, so it's my salary that counts.

Regardless of how it's paid, our household income is now 23k after childcare. Maybe we keep our own finances and I pay £6.5k or shared and we spend £13k, the point is out overall family income is 23k, 1k less than if I didn't work

@SleepingStandingUp Thanks for your comment.
Following the same example, if you think you are using 6.5k and your DH 6.5K on childcare, you are still earning 5.5k. As a family unit you are less well off 1K, but the main thing is to know its temporary and its an investment in the future. You are keeping your skills and learn new ones even in a low paid role, and also have an updated CV. In a very few years you won't be earning 12K, you will be promoted and perhaps will be doubling that amount easily. If you ditch a job all those years at home will make you start from scratch and compete again with many recent graduates for an entry level jobs.
After a few years you won't have to pay for childcare as your child will be at school. As a family you will be better off and you are finantially safer for whatever happens in the meantime.

Recommended read: Lean In, from Sheryl Sandberg

SecondhandTable · 20/01/2023 20:03

I could have been a SAHM now because my earnings are basically the same as the childcare costs for our two kids. DH earns £40k. We live a fairly frugal lifestyle but it wouldn't be much worse if I quit work given there wouldn't be much of a financial drop.

I didn't want to be though and was also concerned about my security for the future if I gave up work for a few years, about how difficult it might be to get back in, given I don't have a proper career. We've made the decision instead that DH is going to go down to 4 days imminently so we can bring down our childcare costs but also so he can spend more time with them, which he's wanted to do ever since we had our first really, but we couldn't before for various reasons.

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 20:04

mandlerparr · 20/01/2023 18:59

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things that don't and do apply to working mothers. They are not all single. They don't neglect their kids. They are not all liberal or progressive. They are not all rich, they are not all poor. They don't all have lazy partners. They don't all have equally sharing in the load partners. They don't all choose to work as many hours as they currently do. They do worry about saving and what will happen if they lose their partner unless they are already single. And they still worry if the partner is still involved. They should make plans for a loss of partner if they have one. Not all working moms choose to be working moms.
Things that don't and do apply to SAHM. They are not all rich living off of somebody. They are not all conservatives. They don't all spend every waking moment with their kids. They aren't all making zero money (I actually put these with working mothers, but a lot don't, so here we are). They aren't all poor living off charity. They are not all sucking the life from their partners who are working. They do worry about saving and what will happen if they lose their partner unless they are already single. And they still worry if the partner is still involved. They should make plans for a loss of partner if they have one. Not all SAHM want to be SAHM.
Most mothers will go through periods where they are working, staying at home, a combo of both, working from home, possibly a single mother, possibly with a partner that contributes but is not around a lot because of work. Or with a partner who contributes money but doesn't contribute much of anything else.
No matter what type of mother you are, you should have savings and retirement separate from your partner. You should have life insurance. Yes, even if you are a SAHM. None should have to put up with abuse and bull from their partner.

This is the best post on the whole thread.

2023bebetter · 20/01/2023 20:14

@CPHB2021

I don't really understand what you mean? I was a sahm and we didn't go abroad for several Years because we were hit by the financial crisis and people loosing jobs everywhere.
We lived accordingly eg no hairdressers, nail's, holdidays abroad.
I used to be really into beautiful clothes and my hair when younger but I didn't care anymore when I had DD.
I went to toddler groups and uses Tesco point's for days out ( we went to so many amazing places through Tesco )

One car... chairty shops.

I work now and DH earns far more! About 20 grand more! We go abroad, not long haul but the DC are now old enough to know they go abroad,they also see mummy working, occasionally I go to a hairdresser? I buy clothes but not like in my youth.

I feel we have the normal stuff, we definitely struggled when I was a sahm but it went by in a flash and I didn't care about holdidays or hair when we had the sheer joy ( and hard times) with really small DC.

2023bebetter · 20/01/2023 20:21

I must say I didn't worry about loosing my husband at that time at all.

I was in a stable relationship,yes unfortunately many women have DC with the wrong man in awful circumstances but some of us don't.

It went by in a flash and it was worth it.
I can work till the day I am unfit too ...what's a few year's out?

I appreciate the caveat for really worried women but I also don't like the sheer panicking and worrying people over a few years out.

People deal with huge life changes far greater than 4 year's not paying into a pension!

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 05:34

2023bebetter · 20/01/2023 20:14

@CPHB2021

I don't really understand what you mean? I was a sahm and we didn't go abroad for several Years because we were hit by the financial crisis and people loosing jobs everywhere.
We lived accordingly eg no hairdressers, nail's, holdidays abroad.
I used to be really into beautiful clothes and my hair when younger but I didn't care anymore when I had DD.
I went to toddler groups and uses Tesco point's for days out ( we went to so many amazing places through Tesco )

One car... chairty shops.

I work now and DH earns far more! About 20 grand more! We go abroad, not long haul but the DC are now old enough to know they go abroad,they also see mummy working, occasionally I go to a hairdresser? I buy clothes but not like in my youth.

I feel we have the normal stuff, we definitely struggled when I was a sahm but it went by in a flash and I didn't care about holdidays or hair when we had the sheer joy ( and hard times) with really small DC.

Actually your post has made me think. I love being a SAHM and my mother was a SAHM even though after my parents divorced she struggled financially. Tbh there are many personal sacrifices I would be willing to make to stay a SAHM so I could make do with a lot less than we currently have. I would be fine with no holidays and no shopping/a smaller house etc.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 09:06

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 05:34

Actually your post has made me think. I love being a SAHM and my mother was a SAHM even though after my parents divorced she struggled financially. Tbh there are many personal sacrifices I would be willing to make to stay a SAHM so I could make do with a lot less than we currently have. I would be fine with no holidays and no shopping/a smaller house etc.

Show quote history

@Legrandetraitor

but would your husband be ok with no holidays and no treats? So he’s just working and no nice things from it? I wouldn’t like that

VioletaDelValle · 21/01/2023 09:44

but would your husband be ok with no holidays and no treats? So he’s just working and no nice things from it? I wouldn’t like that

Excellent point.

This really emphasises the point that it needs to be a joint decision with everyone fully on board.

Decafflatteplease · 21/01/2023 10:20

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 19:24

I would be proper miserable if I couldn’t treat myself to nice holidays, nice make up, clothes and meals out. I mean this stuff makes life nice! because people have different interests? I don't wear make up. Never have. Having thousands in the bank wouldn't change that. And I can look suitable and presentable for a job without make up, I worked before kids. I like nice clothes but my style is long dresses and jeans over labels and fancy frocks. I have zero ability to appreciate what makes a dress worth 5k unless it's literally covered in gold and diamonds!! Can't fly in holiday as DS isn't medically able to and I have like -10 desire to drive hours across the continent with three kids, thanks. You might rather sell your kids than holiday in Wales on the beach and the pier but it works for us
We do still have money for stuff we like, but it's not the stuff on your list so presumably doesn't count as worthy of your perfect life.

Show quote history

I've been a SAHM for over a decade. Luckily we like a fairly simple, frugal life. We've only ever based our lifestyle on one salary eg mortgage.

One car owner outright,.not fussed about the latest cars on finance etc. In the early days DH got the bus to work before we had a car.

We've never been abroad, holidays are visiting family around the UK.

DC are happy with simple days out eg nature reserve, swimming, walks, national trust.

We aren't into the latest gadgets eg phones just keep it simple.

All clothes bought Preloved, and we have some clothes swaps going with friends.

So yeah a simple life but we are happy!

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 10:24

Decafflatteplease · 21/01/2023 10:20

I've been a SAHM for over a decade. Luckily we like a fairly simple, frugal life. We've only ever based our lifestyle on one salary eg mortgage.

One car owner outright,.not fussed about the latest cars on finance etc. In the early days DH got the bus to work before we had a car.

We've never been abroad, holidays are visiting family around the UK.

DC are happy with simple days out eg nature reserve, swimming, walks, national trust.

We aren't into the latest gadgets eg phones just keep it simple.

All clothes bought Preloved, and we have some clothes swaps going with friends.

So yeah a simple life but we are happy!

Show quote history

@Decafflatteplease

which is great!

some people wouldn’t like that way of life. I would struggle especially with the not going abroad bit.

it’s like a previous poster said, if both parties in the relationship are happy and on board that’s the key thing!

UnicorseTime · 21/01/2023 10:38

My husband would have supported me if I had chosen to work but his mum had stayed home when small and now mine are older and I'm working part time he does often chip in that we did the right thing for the kids being home. He's very family orientated and loves the way we've set up our family and is really greatful for the unpaid work I've done raising the kids at home. Not every man values all the extras over having someone at home with the kids.

I think if we're not too careful we devalue the choice some parents make to have one at home. And it ends up devalued ike most unpaid caring roles- I'm not sure that's a good move either. Women can end up with the worst of both worlds

VioletaDelValle · 21/01/2023 11:08

If both parties are happy with a simple, frugal life then that great.

We don't work for fancy cars, designer clothes or the latest gadgets. I'm not bothered about any of that.

Our dual income allows us to have a house in our specific preferred area, it means we can afford for DS to engage in his chosen hobbies without worrying about the cost and it allows us to travel (uk and abroad ) which is really important to us. It means we will be able to support DS through university if he chooses to go and with a house deposit.

Not everyone is working for fancy cars and fancy clothes!!

Hobbitfeet32 · 21/01/2023 11:12

@UnicorseTime interesting that you describe your (presumably working) husband as family oriented. Would you describe a working mum in the same way? My husband and I both work? I consider us both to be family oriented as providing for the family is extremely important. They need food, warmth, a roof over their head, clothing etc. So we both contribute to this vital task.

kc431 · 21/01/2023 11:16

He’s family oriented but chooses to work full time himself, and is happy for you to do all the family raising? So what you really mean is “traditional”.

VioletaDelValle · 21/01/2023 11:16

Both me and Dh are family oriented..... we also happen to work full time! You can be both.

UnicorseTime · 21/01/2023 11:18

In our case for both of us the choice was between tiny house/old car/a holiday abroad being only every few years (some of the things people above are saying it's not fair for men to live without!) and one of us home or both working and more of the "nice things" people talk about.

We dont have "all the things" but we valued more family time over the things. Other people quite clearly make a different choice and "can't live with under 100k" or whatever high numbers the beginning of this thread came up with. And that is fine. I was just countering the poster who said it was unfair for a working man not to have All The Things.

Some people need both people to work - many couples can't afford for both people to work to put some perspective on it. These threads are skewed by high earners.

UnicorseTime · 21/01/2023 11:23

It feels like the only "correct" answer on these threads is to have 2 parents working full time. And criticisms are thrown at those who have chosen differently "is your husband happy with less treats" from further up the thread."

Any explanation or attempt to explain why we made the choice we have gets shot down for not being The One True Way.

Our reasoning was a focus on family over things. So our kids have been picked up by one of us, one of us was home during preschool years and were around in the holidays. That made sense for us. I imagine the equation could be loaded differently if people are in high paying jobs with lots of flexitime and paid help. But realistically most full-time jobs here would mean before and afterschool club for small kids. Very few do that full time in my area.

Anyway I've enough of being on the defensive. Why do people bother asking why people make these choices if they don't want to hear the answer?!

VioletaDelValle · 21/01/2023 11:24

I was just countering the poster who said it was unfair for a working man not to have All The Things.
That's a very unfair interpretation of that comment.

My understanding of that comment was that it was in reference to someone saying they were happy not having treats or any luxuries. The poster just asked if her husband was happy working full time but living with no treats..... it's a fair question.