To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

I’m not trying to pick holes, I’m trying to show you why your post got the reactions it did.

I think I'd just go for a dear John letter:
Dear John
You appear to think I'm your mother. Here's a copy of DH Lawrence's Sons and Lovers and a beginner's guide to Freudian theory. I am never having sex with you again.
PS, your lunch is in the dog.

You're being smart to push back! In fact, I would say that even if this issue might seem relatively minor, it is actually very significant. It's about respect. In my opinion, it would be a real mistake to give in, just to keep the peace. I would personally have a hard time remaining married to someone who acted that way. And yes, as others have said, perhaps it's time to get your work space away from the kitchen. Would it be possible to switch work spaces? Let him have the spot next to the kitchen, while you get a proper home office with a door that you can shut. As Virginia Woolf said...

I'd encourage him to get tested if you suspect adhd. I'd also issues down and talk about how annoying this particular issue is.

Sometimes I think it is to do with how you are raised. For instance in my home growing up lunch wasn't a big deal. You ate when you were hungry and we would just make it ourselves. I'd very much grab and go and then crack on with whatever I was doing. When I moved in with my inlaws lunch was very much a whole family sit down affair. This wasn't on a special occasion just a random day. I'd never given much thought to lunch when I lived at home, if noone had claimed left overs I would have them or sandwiches, simple stuff I guess. Dh's family were very different. and they would feel slighted if you had eaten earlier. They also always want a warm lunch.

Maybe he's just used to a warm lunch but the ones should be on him to make it.

The best way to deal with this sort of inanity is to be eually stupid back. SO each time he asks what's for lunch come up with a really ridiculous reply -- caviar/lobster/unicorn steak etc. It should amuse you to think of a few and stop you getting quite so annoyed - he will also learn. Tell him o stop disturbing you and tthen if he carries on try putting your fingers in your ears and singing la la la not listening to you like a toddler.

He will learn.

When I was in my early 20s I lived with a guy for 2 years, I used to make his sandwiches every day for him to take to work. I was a fucking mug, next boyfriend was told to make his own sandwiches if he wanted them. You aren't his mother!

We have the opposite arrangement, I do everything laundry related / DH does everything food related… including asking what I would like for lunch when we both WFH and bringing it to my desk 😁 However my « laundry service » is as comprehensive as it include picking up dirty socks from the bedroom floor next to
his side of the bed, so I have earned my lunches!

Back to the OP: YANBU.
I would definitely try some of the techniques suggested above, starting with « I dunno » to every Q or buying 5 ready meals a week for him.

Don't ever be vulnerable to this petulant brat that treats his mother badly.

You clearly have a self respect issue to have married such a demanding loser.

You badly need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so that you recognise the red flags you have missed and caused you to marry him.

He's a walking red flag for abusive controlling behaviour.

I could see this behaviour escalate if you were ever to get pregnant.

He's just the type to be jealous of his own child.

How he treats his mother is how he believes woman should be treated.

He sounds quite dreadful and you sound spectacularly naive.

You have been warned.

It's definitely not that serious! He's just annoying about food and tries his luck. No other signs of abuse at all.

It is serious though you might not want or be ready to admit that. How he treats you when you don't provide the food to provide it in the way he wants is worrying. How he treats his mum is worrying. How he gaslights you is worrying. Lots of posters here are pointing this out, so just be mindful of it all and know that there are options if you find that he's not as wonderful as you say he is.

OP, you are most likely young.

Older posters like me join dots that you can't even imagine.

You are being given a heads up to watch his behaviour.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy" which explains how abusive behaviour can very slowly creep up on a person.

You already apologise to HIM when HE behaves badly, that's not normal.

So all I'm suggesting is that you do some reading, look carefully at how he behaves towards you, and protect yourself, because I don't think this is going to be the only behaviour that is going to be a problem for you going forward.

Honestly OP I could have written your OP, word for word.

Every single fucking day DH asks: Any plans for lunch? What's for lunch? What is there for lunch?

😶

I mean, WTAF

The problem here is mummy's boys! They've been looked after until they've left home and shown no independence or taught how to cook and now they expect their partners to do the same.

OP read well and digest the advice from @billy1966

It starts with "It's definitely not that serious! He's just annoying about food and tries his luck. No other signs of abuse at all." and then the insidious creep begins. He'll start to get huffy and puffy about many many other things that you're not willing to immediately comply with.

I seriously predict if you don't protect yourself now and nip this behaviour in the bud, come 5 years time or less you will be in a very bad place and wondering how on earth it has gotten to that stage.

Op, YANBU and you do not have to put up with this. It is so very rude and disrespectful. The pps suggesting that you buy extra ready meals, use Hellofrsh, teach him to cook etc are missing the point - this is about disrespect and control around the provision of services to him, and consequent sulking and manipulation if you don't do what he wants. It's not a situation where he has good intentions and just needs some help. He is actively disrespecting and manipulating you.

Call it out for what it is. Tell him you will not stand for his manipulative tactics and will not stand for the lack of respect around interrupting your work. Decide what you will do if he continues doing this, tell him what you will do, then do it without explanation or apology. Set some actual boundaries for the behaviour you will accept, and enforce them. There is no point discussing it - just tell him what you will do if he keeps boundary stomping- and then do it.

For example: "It is rude and manipulative for you to expect me to cook your lunch and to sulk when your expectation is not met. I cannot control how you behave, only how I respond. If you directly or indirectly demand that I cook for you or sulk about it again, I will stop cooking for you". "You regularly interrupting my work is disrespectful. If you continue to regularly interrupt me when I'm working, I will start wearing earphones and will not respond to any communication from you at all during the day".

Then follow through - and do not explain, discuss or justify. And certainly, absolutely do not apologise! At all.

Funny, isnt it, that so often women who are looked after as children are expected to become carers but men are expected to become cared for.

This isn't about mothers, it's about misogyny.

Most posters in the most awfully abusive relationships acknowledge that they ignored red flags at the beginning and ignored their gut niggling at them that all was not well.

Huffy behaviour escalating from petulance, to silent treatment, to utter contempt for you.

Adjusting your behaviour to not set him off.

Being careful to avoid triggers......

Bending yourself out of shape to keep him calm.

Apologising when he is angry and behaving badly...............to stop things escalating................oh...........you already do that.

OP I hope he's the good man you think he is. But please take these warnings seriously.

It's a red flag that you are apologising when he has behaved badly. That you are apparently not allowed to voice any issues with his behaviour without being punished in return.

Sulking, huffing puffing, spinning the issue around to nitpick the way in which you raised an issue instead of the issue itself, disrespecting and undermining your work, keeping you occupied with busywork that makes him feel catered to.

draw some boundaries- see if you are 'allowed' to have boundaries in this relationship.

Keep an eye on this, it's not a nice trait.

In your posts OP, you've said you second guess yourself. You say you soften the message to him. He ends up slamming pots and pans and cupboards. You apologise for the things he's done. Even if this never escalates, is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Because he has no reason to spontaneously change for the better, and may come up with reasons to escalate it. Maybe you don't want to see it as abusive, but ask yourself, is it healthy? Is this how you want things to be?

Have a conversation when it's not lunchtime - tell him you do not eat lunch, so he has to sort his own lunch out - he needs to think about it in advance and buy stuff whenever you/he does the weekly shopping.

He has admitted in the past that he finds deciding on his lunch overwhelming for some reason.

That's just pathetic, frankly. Or it's pure manipulation because he thinks he can get you to do it for him if he plays dumb.

Learned Helplessness is absolutely the least unattractive tool in the misogynists manipulation weapons chest. Unfortunately it works on you @Glasshopper because you seem to be afraid of the next level of escalation.

If your DH is as wonderful in every other way as you claim, then it should be easy for him to understand why it's essential that he treat you as a full equal: to not interrupt you when you're working, to prepare his own food at lunch, as well as share in the food-preparation (and cleanup) for other meals, and housework, too. If he cannot adjust his behavior, and if he continues to throw even small temper tantrums over not getting what he wants (or even just sulk, as a way of punishing you), then it's not just that he has strong feelings about being fed. There is something deeper going on.

Give him a chance to turn his behavior around, by all means. But to do that, you'll need to be consistent in your messaging. Don't let him back you into a corner, to soften the message, to let him make you into the one being unreasonable. Stand up for yourself.

If that's too hard, or it doesn't work, then perhaps marriage counselling would be helpful. And if you feel (or he makes you feel) that you're making a big fuss about nothing, then remember how many of us here have seen his behavior as a big red flag for something that is much more serious than just his preference to have you continue the caring mission his mum started.

I am very sympathetic, despite (or perhaps because of) my strong words. I know from personal experience how easy it is to ignore red flags, to forgive, to see the best in another person, to silence the inner voice that says how unhappy she is. My first husband was controlling and demeaning, and it took me years to see what he was doing. By then I had three children, and leaving was very difficult. Ten years after my divorce, I met my second husband. What a world of difference! Give yourself a chance at real happiness!

Good luck!

That seems the best approach. Lay it on the line that it is in his own interests to stop being so feeble about catering for himself and you won't be responding to future requests that you act as his servant. Then ignore him.

I would do this....a little petty but self satisfying ha ha