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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

310 replies

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:22

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 18/01/2023 16:40

Why is a grown woman apologising to her DP for telling him to cook his own lunch - there is an imbalance of power here that is worrying, especially as he is constantly harassing you. I would go and work in the library to get away from him.

randomusername2020 · 18/01/2023 16:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/01/2023 16:43

How strange that he's good in other ways and yet turns into a huffy child around food and your work. It stands out to me that it's not just the cooking but the plating up that's important to him, almost as if he wants you to serve him.
I'm not comfortable with the way he talks to you after, the Little Wify is angry routine would have me spitting feathers, and please, stop apologising, every time you say sorry it means next time he'll behave the same because he doesn't think you mean it.
His DM obviously spoilt him, now he wants you to do the same. Don't do it Op, he'll only get worse

Noicant · 18/01/2023 16:46

I have very occasionally sorted DH lunch when he’s WFH and I’ve not been working, but he generally says “don’t worry I’ll sort it”. Because he’s not a giant baby. I’d put my best mum voice on and say “you are not a baby, please don’t act like one”.

SheilaFentiman · 18/01/2023 16:48

Suggestions that OP go and work in a library or coffee shop don’t work if she is on calls, which I think she is.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 18/01/2023 16:48

But why should she have to teach him, she is not his mother! They learn the same way we do, a bit of trial and error, these days with youtube you can find pretty much anything.

Because in a loving relationships you work together to overcome problems. Particularly in this case where short term input could result in massive gains for OP.

randomusername2020 · 18/01/2023 16:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Duchess379 · 18/01/2023 16:49

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

This!! With bells on. You're married to a 7yr old 🙄

BarrelOfOtters · 18/01/2023 16:49

EyesOnThePies · 18/01/2023 14:17

Tell him that you realise he likes a hot meal at lunch, so as you have cold snacks and you are working and not his lunch chef, you will help him get started.

At the weekend teach him how to bake a potato in the microwave and crisped up for 5 mins in the oven.

How to boil and scramble eggs.

A stir fry using a ready chopped stir fry veg bag, if he wants veg.

Cheese on toast, etc.

Then tell him to write up a 5 day lunch plan, and whoever does the shopping can make sure all ingredients for both your lunches are on the list.

Just be very clear that you will not be cooking a ‘hot meal’ for lunch on your work days.

What does / did he have for lunch when office or site based ?

I might do this if it was a 7 year old I was teaching....not my husband.

Beachsidesunset · 18/01/2023 16:50

Any chance he could need ADHD meds?

randomusername2020 · 18/01/2023 16:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Create10 · 18/01/2023 16:54

He's overwhelmed by making lunch and also overwhelmed by making dinner? He's having you on. Stop apologising to him.

If you go out for the day/away for the night without him he presumably doesn't spend the entire time staring in the kitchen feeling overwhelmed and not eating. And if he does, he needs to seek help. It's absolute bollocks, he just wants you to be his skivvy and do it for him.

pelargoniums · 18/01/2023 16:58

As such he wants hot meals with a variety of ingredients and plays up that he is feeling poorly if he doesn't get enough vegetables or eats a bit of processed food.
How have you not brained him with a Pot Noodle yet?

NumberTheory · 18/01/2023 17:11

AtleastitsnotMonday · 18/01/2023 16:48

But why should she have to teach him, she is not his mother! They learn the same way we do, a bit of trial and error, these days with youtube you can find pretty much anything.

Because in a loving relationships you work together to overcome problems. Particularly in this case where short term input could result in massive gains for OP.

The issue with teaching him (apart from the fact OP finds cooking a massive chore herself and he's doing nothing to solve that problem for her) is that Op's actual problem with him is not that he can't cook or organize his lunch, it's that he looks to her to sort it all out and be his sounding board. OP doesn't need him to learn to cook, she needs him to be more self-sufficient and resourceful. Being the cheerleader is not the way to change that dynamic.

TenoringBehind · 18/01/2023 17:17

Manchild.

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 17:17

Naunet · 18/01/2023 15:44

So solve his kitchen troubles by adding to OPs? Why is it more important that he doesn’t have to worry than OP?

Show quote history

No ... It's a solution to the OPs problem (i.e. him relying on her) .... suggest to him hello fresh ...he sorts it and stops bugging OP...MN amazes me I think posters just like to pick people apart ....I was trying to offer a practical solution ...it's not like he is going to magically change without suggested solutions from the OP ...yes that sucks and she shouldn't be the one to suggest stuff ...but if not nothing will change so 🤷‍♀️

ivykaty44 · 18/01/2023 17:17

Because in a loving relationships you work together to overcome problems. Particularly in this case where short term input could result in massive gains for OP.

then op can make empathetic noises about his woes of not knowing what to do and make only suggestions of where he might find helpful information for himself

oh, Im not sure perhaps YouTube will help with cooking
Oh Im not familiar with that why not use google for a recipe

all very loving but no need for working together, he is a fully grown man who can teach himself

all he is constantly doing is going into child mode every lunch time and expecting his wife to go into parent mode.

so op needs to stop being parent and he will learn that its not going to work being a child

Seeingadistance · 18/01/2023 17:36

AtleastitsnotMonday · 18/01/2023 16:48

But why should she have to teach him, she is not his mother! They learn the same way we do, a bit of trial and error, these days with youtube you can find pretty much anything.

Because in a loving relationships you work together to overcome problems. Particularly in this case where short term input could result in massive gains for OP.

I reckon divorce would be a more effective way of ensuring massive gains for the OP.

Naunet · 18/01/2023 17:42

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 17:17

No ... It's a solution to the OPs problem (i.e. him relying on her) .... suggest to him hello fresh ...he sorts it and stops bugging OP...MN amazes me I think posters just like to pick people apart ....I was trying to offer a practical solution ...it's not like he is going to magically change without suggested solutions from the OP ...yes that sucks and she shouldn't be the one to suggest stuff ...but if not nothing will change so 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

You said you could even get a box for three and he could have the 'leftover' portion for lunch

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 17:47

Naunet · 18/01/2023 17:42

You said you could even get a box for three and he could have the 'leftover' portion for lunch

Show quote history

That's just picking holes yes perhaps a clumsy choice of words but "you" was meant as a collective you ...i.e. OP and her husband ....all I came here to do was offer a practical solution and I get ripped to shreds ...yes the OPs husband is rubbish ...that's not my fault but like I said he is not just going to magically change with no input from OP ...

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2023 17:54

AtleastitsnotMonday · 18/01/2023 16:48

But why should she have to teach him, she is not his mother! They learn the same way we do, a bit of trial and error, these days with youtube you can find pretty much anything.

Because in a loving relationships you work together to overcome problems. Particularly in this case where short term input could result in massive gains for OP.

But her DH doesn't think it's a problem!

QueefQueen80s · 18/01/2023 18:02

Ugh! I never even made lunch when I was a SAHM and he was wfh.

Quartz2208 · 18/01/2023 18:03

But it isnt cooking is it? It is the fact that unless you act or dom something he gets huffy and shuts you down when you try and have an opinion which is emotionally abusive because as you have admitted it means you back down and apologise and now have a whole thread about whether it is ok for a grown man to make his lunch.

randomusername2020 · 18/01/2023 18:03

This reply has been withdrawn

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Sleepless1096 · 18/01/2023 18:05

pelargoniums · 18/01/2023 16:58

As such he wants hot meals with a variety of ingredients and plays up that he is feeling poorly if he doesn't get enough vegetables or eats a bit of processed food.
How have you not brained him with a Pot Noodle yet?

Or made it abundantly clear that his health, or lack thereof, is not your problem.

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