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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

310 replies

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:22

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 18/01/2023 15:14

Inkypinkee · 18/01/2023 15:11

Just be careful, I stopped making my husband WFH lunches and now he goes out and spends shopping money on fancy meats, cheeses and other things for his lunches that seriously eats into our food budget.

It seems his concept of lunch and mine are very different, and his concept seems to be a gourmet meal similar to what he would sit down and eat if he was working in the city.

It was cheaper when I just shoved him a cheese sandwich and a bag of crisps!

I have the same problems with butting in on my calls and in my office. Not solved that one yet either.

And you are still with this selfish, manipulative charmer because?

BlingLoving · 18/01/2023 15:15

I assume you don't have children together? If you're planning any, I'd be very careful at this point. Becuase before you know it, you will 100% be the "default" parent and he won't so much as be able to realise a nappy needs changing without you telling him, never mind organising a meal, proactively sterilising bottles, thinking about nursery, getting up at night etc.

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 15:15

Inkypinkee · 18/01/2023 15:11

Just be careful, I stopped making my husband WFH lunches and now he goes out and spends shopping money on fancy meats, cheeses and other things for his lunches that seriously eats into our food budget.

It seems his concept of lunch and mine are very different, and his concept seems to be a gourmet meal similar to what he would sit down and eat if he was working in the city.

It was cheaper when I just shoved him a cheese sandwich and a bag of crisps!

I have the same problems with butting in on my calls and in my office. Not solved that one yet either.

Sweet Jesus.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/01/2023 15:16

Bollindger · 18/01/2023 14:45

I know you don't want to do this, but could you double up on ingredients and freeze things , so if he wants cooked foods you just tell him to get one and Nuke it.

My friend does this as her DH was doing this, she now has about 10 cooked things in the freezer.
I also use my slow cooker and set things cooking when I get up they are ready to eat about 1 ish,

Shock Angry

Are you seriously telling OP that the only way to get out of babying her grown-ass H is for HER to batch cook his lunches?

Did you miss the part where she hates cooking, & doesn't much care for lunch herself?

Why is your 'solution' for her to keep pandering to her toddler husband, creating even more work for herself?

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 15:18

Just for reference, I have a slight cold and OH has this lunch time kicked me out the kitchen so he can make stovies (Scottish stew) for me so I have a nice hot comfort food for when I finish work.

Not all men are useless man children! There are some amazing ones out there who will treat you like a human and an equal partner.

MakingMarlsAndOtherThings · 18/01/2023 15:20

Inkypinkee · 18/01/2023 15:11

Just be careful, I stopped making my husband WFH lunches and now he goes out and spends shopping money on fancy meats, cheeses and other things for his lunches that seriously eats into our food budget.

It seems his concept of lunch and mine are very different, and his concept seems to be a gourmet meal similar to what he would sit down and eat if he was working in the city.

It was cheaper when I just shoved him a cheese sandwich and a bag of crisps!

I have the same problems with butting in on my calls and in my office. Not solved that one yet either.

Wow. I thought mine’s taste for only bread, peanut butter and apples was a bit strange but it didn’t occur to me that at least he’s not spending all the housekeeping on Stilton and Prosciutto! 🙀

KettrickenSmiled · 18/01/2023 15:21

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 15:10

Obviously this would only work budget depending but what about meal kits like hello fresh or something... ingredients all measured out instructions to had ...you could even get a box for three and he could have the 'leftover' portion for lunch ...could solve his kitchen troubles?

Why - yet again on this depressing thread - are so very many PP convinced that it's up to OP - a woman who doesn't even eat lunch! - to fix her H's inability to feed himself?

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 15:25

KettrickenSmiled · 18/01/2023 15:21

Why - yet again on this depressing thread - are so very many PP convinced that it's up to OP - a woman who doesn't even eat lunch! - to fix her H's inability to feed himself?

Show quote history

It’s really interesting, isn’t it? I honestly don’t know of any real life relationships that function like this. MN sometimes feels like a window into a very disturbing alternate universe. One where men cannot be expected to either treat their partners with respect nor manage to construct a sandwich without support and project management.

Who lives like this? And why?!

Tulipomania · 18/01/2023 15:27

My DH does this too.

It's very annoying. Or he will say, hopefully, "Is it DIY lunch?"

Sometimes I turn the tables on him and ask him what's for lunch before he has a chance to ask me.

Naunet · 18/01/2023 15:30

Why can’t certain people get it into their heads that it is not a woman’s job to feed her husband? It is not OPs job to buy Hello Fresh kits, or batch cook for him or any other skivvy shit. She works FFS, she’s not his maid, he’s perfectly capable of feeding and planning himself.

I cannot tolerate this misogynistic crap. He thinks because he has a penis and you have a vagina, it is your job to feed him, you do NOT reward that offensive attitude by pandering.

Goldenbear · 18/01/2023 15:31

My Dad does the whole asking how things are done, what phone to buy, where can I buy a vacuum but I don't WFH with him and we find it quite funny now.

It is a novelty for DH and I to be WFH the same day so he will come through to the kitchen where I am working and declare it lunchtime, ask what we are having but that's only because he wants me to join him and he likes cooking or making food. What I think is funny is the whole drama of it all as 9/10 I don't bother with lunch, if I do it would be toast, snacks of cheese, fruit, chocolate. Also, the fact that he is declaring it is lunch for both of us not knowing my workload or regardless of what I am doing. However, his intentions are well meaning as he just wants to eat together due to it's rarity in the week.

Tricolette · 18/01/2023 15:34

My mil was a ‘women work in the kitchen men work in the garden’ attitude.
Dh worked away a lot and therefore I did mostly cook.
However, when dh retired he soon pitched in and he always makes his own lunch because like you OP I usually grab fruit or crisps at lunchtime.

I would tell him he needs to organise his lunches for Mon to Fri at the weekend so he can help himself when he’s hungry. If he’s not prepared to do that then it’s his problem.

Goldenbear · 18/01/2023 15:35

Oh yes, the 'fancy food' lunch budget, DH does this as he likes good food. He thinks he's doing well if he's spent £5 on lunch as he would spend that when he is in the office minimum

Inkypinkee · 18/01/2023 15:37

@MsMarch oh I wasn’t suggesting to keep making his lunch, I was just commiserating the OP as my husband is just as useless and irritating!

at least mine is now constructing his own (gourmet and messy) lunches.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2023 15:38

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:32

I feel like I am not unreasonable, but his reaction makes me second guess myself! I also find that when he does cook he tries to involve me in it somehow, and asks so many questions. I had to remind him we have some gammon steaks in the fridge and he is now asking me how long to cook them for. I dunno, how long does it say on the packet? 🙄

If you work in separate rooms. can you put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door?

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 15:38

No I was suggesting a solution where her other half could fend for himself....i.e she could suggest hello fresh then he would have the tools to cook when it was his turn ... He is not magically going to come up with a solution himself is he ...and I say this as someone who has a brilliant other half and is often the one organising me!

Inkypinkee · 18/01/2023 15:40

Goldenbear · 18/01/2023 15:35

Oh yes, the 'fancy food' lunch budget, DH does this as he likes good food. He thinks he's doing well if he's spent £5 on lunch as he would spend that when he is in the office minimum

@Goldenbear mine thinks buying those pots of (not very healthy) things in M&S that are three for £8 is a bargain lunch for one person. He’s also comparing to what he would spend in the city on his lunch out.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2023 15:40

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:24

I'm set up in the lounge and he is in the spare room upstairs. He comes down numerous times a day and starts talking at me before he's even reached the bottom stair, with no concern that he is interrupting me. He talks about his work so much I feel like I work there too! He'll come into the lounge and just stare out the back window until I ask him what he needs, or he will play with the dog for a few minutes and then go back to his office. It really winds me up! Tbh I'm sure he has ADHD but he isn't diagnosed.

Swap rooms?

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 15:41

DreamingofGinoclock · 18/01/2023 15:38

No I was suggesting a solution where her other half could fend for himself....i.e she could suggest hello fresh then he would have the tools to cook when it was his turn ... He is not magically going to come up with a solution himself is he ...and I say this as someone who has a brilliant other half and is often the one organising me!

Oh and I would say the exact same thing if it was a man posting ...it's nothing about it being because the woman needs to sort meals ...but current situation was working so was suggesting a solution... I never said op would be the one sourcing the hello fresh kits ...she could suggest to her husband and he could sort ...

runlittlemonster · 18/01/2023 15:42

All this judgement of gourmet lunches (the 3 for £8 in m&s is a light snack to me) is making me very glad I have a separate bank account! 😂

MaverickGooseGoose · 18/01/2023 15:42

This would drive me insane. I do enough cooking. Breakfast and lunch they can all sort themselves out. My kids are 11 and do their breakfast and lunch unless I'm doing a fry up or something obviously for all of us.

Naunet · 18/01/2023 15:42

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 14:53

I do this sometimes, but he'll still ask me what have to eat and will ask me to plate it up for him. Actually he seems to have a thing about his food being plated up for him. For example, if he's coming home from the gym late I'll eat before he gets home and he'll act put out that his plate isn't already dished up for him when he gets in, because that's what him mum did (I'll leave the food in the oven or in the pot so it stays hot). Very irritating! I know I sound pandering to him but I'm really not, we bicker about this stuff frequently. I think I'm just going to let him be annoyed and not apologise anymore and hopefully that will condition him to give up his expectations.

FFS!
As my nan used to say, ‘I can by your mother or your lover, but never both’. Point out that every time he treats you like his mummy, a little bit of sexual attraction towards him dies.

TheOrigRights · 18/01/2023 15:42

Swap rooms? read the thread

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2023 15:42

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:44

Unfortunately it's not practical to swap offices, as he works in tech and has a massive computer setup with multiple monitors and needs the office for it (and I don't want it in the lounge!) He will still talk to me if I have headphones in and it sets me right off when he does it. I don't know how much is sexism and how much of it is that he needs to think out loud and I'm here as a target for it!

I'd put my hand up to stop him and then turn my back.

If he can be rude then so can I

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 18/01/2023 15:43

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

Definitely this. Ad nauseam until he gets the message !!