Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic with your Dad comments and how to reference your brother's and mother's behavior.

I don't think you'll "win" here. It's either pay for childcare all days and have reliability and possibly slightly less intrusion/judgement into where you spend your money - or suck it all up for the childcare - and possible have to scrabble for last minute childcare if they suddenly have a change of heart.

I don't get parents who do this! I'd pay for nursery if you can.

I'm so lucky, my mum had my 5yr old 2 days a week and will be having my 9mth old the same.....to help us financially so we can go on holiday n do things but also because she treasures that time!

Your husband sounds like a CF and you should be telling him off about speaking about your parents like that.

They do not owe him childcare.

That they help you out on an ad hoc basis and would do so happily in an emergency means you are already very lucky IMO.

It’s massively unreasonable for them to comment on how you spend money.

It doesn’t sound like your dad likes the current arrangement.

In your shoes, I’d increase the nursery days and tell your parents that nursery have asked for a minimum commitment of x days from a certain age.

Also, I’d make it clear that them socialising with your DD isn’t going to take priority over other plans you might have on your days off. The benefit of them doing childcare is that they get regular 1:1 time with her. They don’t get to automatically crash your time with her.

Retirement is much later in life now, there’s less time to spend pottering around after your working life is finished. Of course, grandchildren bring joy and fun but it’s less so when you’re obligated. It takes away any opportunity for spontaneity, never being able to just go off camping because the weather is nice or book a holiday when you fancy it, as you always have to take into consideration you look after the GC on Tuesdays.

I agree with your point (this is why 8 wouldn't use family as an alternative to paid childcare) but unless the grandparents were mislead somehow then surely they knew the deal when they offered to provide childcare as an alternative to nursery? If they were reluctant then they should have said before OP confirmed non-nursery days.

They have clearly changed their minds and can't be arsed to follow through.

Sort yourself out and learn from this.

I think it is perfectly reasonable not towant to do childcare at all, but to insist upon it and then change your mind and drop someone in it, is not fair and people cannot expect there not to be upset when that happens.

Well it would be much easier to be honest about it. They don't seem to find it more tiring running round after golden boy son.

That's all kinds of crazy. How has he managed to own a home, mortgage free, at the age of 30? Why on earth does he opt into the role of manchild, still living with mummy, when it's not necessary?

With regard to the childcare issue, cancel your parents role in this with immediate effect. They are doing it begrudgingly so tell them their services are no longer required. Organise paid for childcare and be beholden to no-one.

I'd put her in nursery full time and let him visit when it suits you, not every time you're off work, you have your own things to do and do things with your own child Take back control here.

Your parents sound bitter and extremely tight.

My parents have my child 2 days a week to save us money. We do still eat, go out for days out and the odd holiday god forbid! Them helping us out ENABLES our children to have little luxuries. They should want that!

With your parents attitude, I'd stop the childcare, they'll clearly use it as a tool for judgement. But no way would they be coming over on my day off. They either want to help and contribute like good parents do (when they can), and as theirs did, or they don't, and they can see your child when it suits you.

I would probably explain to him that you're grateful for their offer but you weren't aware it came with caveats about how you choose to treat your children. So if they don't want you going on holiday or having any luxuries, then perhaps it's best you up the days at nursery. It's not ideal but you think it will be better for the relationship all round. Then I'd probably pretend I didn't know they had help, so say something like "I realise you didn't get much help from your parents so I've never expected it". Perhaps it'll make him realise how hypocritical he's being.

Well it’s obvious who the golden child is.
I would tell them you need a firm commitment because childcare needs to be definite.
And if they don’t do the childcare then absolutely make them fit visits around your own life.

And as regards the holiday my own dc would absolutely tell me to mind my own business if I commented on their spending.

I think you missed the part about them accepting help from their parents 5 days per week. It's not a generational thing at all. Loads of older people had help with their kids from family members. If anything, for working parents, that was MORE common than using paid for childcare.

I'd make sure your DD was settled in nursery. You obviously can't rely on them for anything, and having a happy DD is your priority.

I suppose that means your parents will have to see her when YOU are free to visit them.

It would be interesting to know what your Mum thinks...as she already has two useless men people to run after.

I suspect it could be that the novelty is wearing thin committing to looking after DC one day a week. Either it's a bit too much for them, or they feel they're turning down things because they have DC. I'd ask to have a chat with them. Explain you appreciate what they're doing and happy with the arrangements, but obviously not desperate for money if it's no longer working. See what they say.

Just to clarify, they have done 2 days so far as my daughter is 13 months. One week it was Christmas so we were off anyway and 2 weeks ill.

You need to make alternative arrangements. Your dad at least doesn't want to do this. Its in no ones interests for GPs to be reluctant childminders. Not theirs if they are not doing it with pleasure, not yours if they're going to make you feel guilty about using the money saved, and not your DC who will sense soon enough they're there under sufferance.

It's easier to save if you work full time and have no bills to pay🤷

If they live far away perhaps offer to pay their petrol?

Trust me when you get to 50 the last thing you want is to have that commitment tying you down. I would never dream of asking my parents to have my kids to save on childcare costs. They've done their parenting. It's your turn now.

You're entitled to your opinion and experiences but it's hardly universal. My dad was absolutely desolate when the final grandchild started school and Grandad childcare days ended. It's the first time I've ever seen him have a cry.

Put DC in nursery on their day. Not worth the grief. The unreliability alone would be enough for me to end this arrangement.

i have my child in nursery full time now. My OH parents do the square root of fuck all, but are so unreliable I wouldn't bother anyway. My family came late or had things come up like they do and I couldn't exactly demand they drop that to come! Work started to get annoyed with them being unreliable too. I think the same will happen here as it seems you have already got a 'you owe me' situation from them and that isnt healthy. They should do it purely because they want to.

So much better without the GP doing regular care for me. They come round when they want to now and we get to chat instead of me trying to work, whilst trying to be polite and not completely ignore them.i found relying on GP's a huge source of stress.

Get LO in nursery if you can afford, they clearly do not want to help.

To be fair on your parents, they obviously have their own childcare issues.

OP as they’ve only done two days and already commenting on your finances and commenting that the arrangement is if they get ill again it’s pretty plain to see they are regretting their offer to help.
Take control of the situation, book the extra day at the nursery and that’s the end of the issue.