Childcare- i need perspective

[NatMoz]

When i was pregnant my parents promised childcare help one day a week. When i was young my grandparents looked after me 5 days a week so obviously much less in comparison and i was grateful for the one day a week and sorted nursery accordingly on other days.

My parents caught a flu over Christmas/NY so I've managed to arrange a short notice nursery slot on their day so i had childcare cover. Very stressful!

They are due to come tomorrow and my dad has now said if he catches another bug/flu/sickness like the last one they refuse to come for the rest of the winter. He also said he's mad at me for booking a summer holiday as they are there to save us money on childcare so it seems unfair that the money is instead being used to pay for a holiday.

I don't know if I'm in the wrong here or what to think. I didn't realise i wasn't allowed to live while they helped with childcare.

Please give me some perspective. I can see both sides but i'm already on tenderhooks with the nursery sending my baby home due to bugs and having to juggle work between my husband and me and now this!!

Find her a nursery place for 'their' day.

Remind your dad they OFFERED to do 1 day a week, and you are really hurt that he would question a family holiday for the well being of your family. You thought they were helping so you could afford some family things, especially since he himself had availed himself of 5 days a week of free childcare from their parents while they were young. Then note you'll be looking elsewhere since he's been such an ass about it and seeing them less.

If they were only offering to provide childcare on the basis that they couldn't otherwise afford childcare then you'd have thought they would have checked first wouldn't you? And if there were conditions on how op spends the money saved then, likewise, her dad should have said so eg. I'm only doing this so that you can pay off more of your mortgage/ eat less gruel etc. If he is hung up on how the money is spent then he should be up front about it. He clearly dislikes doing the childcare so seems to be clutching at reasons why he shouldn't. Which is fine but he should have been up front before even offering or else owning up now to the fact that he doesn't want to do it rather than making digs about money and illness. That is the very opposite of helpful to a working parent.

To be fair, the amount of free childcare people themselves benefitted from makes zero difference to their aptitude or appetite for providing it for their own children's benefit.
Just because their parents may have enjoyed and found it fulfilling, it doesn't mean they will, and not enjoying childcare in your 50s, 60s and beyond isn't unreasonable, nor is it selfish.
You might get them reluctantly agreeing because of a sense of obligation to pay it forward, but that's hardly the best premis on which to care for a child.
If grandparents aren't absolutely willing and committed your child is better off cared for elsewhere.

It doesn't sound like they reluctantly agreed. It sounds like at least one of them was actively forthcoming about wanting to do it.

Well, if that really is the case @NatMoz with your brother, it's a very unusual arrangement to say the least.

Why would a 30 yr old man prefer to live at home? Sure, he gets his meals and washing done but what about his social life?

Doesn't he date anyone? How does he have a sex life living with his retired parents?

If anything needs discussing it's him!

How can you parents allow him to live free in their home at 30 when he owns a house of his own?

More to the point, why does he want to?

Surely this is the way you discuss child care with them?

ie my brother lives here free, he treats your house like a hotel, providing him with somewhere to live, free chauffeur, free food, free laundry service.

Madness.

BTW I think your dad is just fed up with it all (offering childcare) and was looking to start a row with you over it, by coming up with the nonsense that he was saving you money.

It's not about saving money for a holiday or anything.

He's had 2nd thoughts and doesn't know how to wriggle out of it- so that's his way.

I notice this is all about your dad.

Is your mum a total wet blanket who just falls in with anything and that includes skivvying after her adult son?

They offered to have your child for 1 day a week, that was an arranged plan, so you are of course in your rights to feel a bit miffed. Do they also expect you to never spend money? You are entitled to a holiday, I find that very strange! I think if you can afford the extra day at nursery then just do that and save the hassle. I'd be making them feel bloody guilty though if it was me. It's not about expecting grandparents to step up, it's expecting them to, when that has been the plan and arranged with them all along. It shouldn't be this difficult.

Book the extra day of nursery. My parents do once a fortnight and they've started cancelling over sickness regularly - it's hard work

OP, I wonder if maybe your dad had been looking forward to spending quality retirement time with your mum, and instead finds that he's sharing that with his grown son and now with his growing grandchild as well. And he's starting to resent it. And it's easier to grumble about 1day/week looking after a baby, than it is to take action about your bother - the cuckoo that refuses to leave the nest.

This is a boundary issue. Your parents have no right to judge how you spend your money. If they’re going to use childcare help that they have offered to somehow influence or judge how you spend your money, then you’re better off without the help. It’s very, very tricky with parents and ILs and childcare. If you don’t set a boundary then you may come up against this time and time again. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth it!

We relied on childcare from my MIL for 2 years as she offered, we needed it and we were really appreciative. She had them 2 mornings a week.

however, after relentless cancellations whenever she got a cold, needed a dentist appointment, had something she couldn’t rearrange, me and my husband decided to pay the nursery fees instead (which meant we would be struggling a lot more financially but the childcare hassle was just NOT worth it). She meant well originally but you could tell it just became a nuisance for her and I had to have so many days off work.

i think it’s outrageous you should be made to feel you can’t have a holiday. You’re working all the time! Just because they’re spending the day with their grandkids whilst you work (not exactly a chore for them) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to relax once a year with a bloody holiday! Also they are not in charge of your finances.

it is rubbish relying on people, especially when they make you feel like you’re a nuisance.

Oh dear. I look after my DGD 1 day/week, at my suggestion. I've had to cancel twice since Oct --- once because I was ill (well, my DD had the covid-like illness before me and was off work for 2 weeks with it so she understood I wasn't fit for childcare when I went down with it too!), and once when it would have been a late start because I had a hosp appointment in the monring. We had plenty of notice for that. On both occasions, the other grandparents (who live a bit further away) have stepped into the breach.

My DD and I have both had to make some boundaries clear for each other and ourselves but I feel we've settled into a reasonably reliable pattern. Nothing is ever 100% after all - childminders get ill, nurseries send snotty babies home, schools shut for snow/strikes ---

I really, really hope that my DD doesn't feel as negative about my input as some of the posters here.

I wouldn't worry, but if you do, then speak to your daughter to make sure she's still happy with the arrangement.

Unless I've missed some posts, I think the general consensus is that GP providing childcare (if agreed as an alternative to paid childcare) is an obligation that goes beyond them just helping out or spending time with the GC. It means being available on set days and at set times over a long-term period (not unlike a job), or else cause stress to the parent, which both parties should be aware of upfront.

Of course if you're reliant on one person, you can't ever expect that person to never become sick, or never need to attend an appt, but if GP is consistently cancelling, appears to think that the arrangement is optional, or it becomes clear that they can't keep up, then the arrangement needs to be reevaluated. I don't think at two cancellations you fall into any of those though!

If GP don't feel privileged and thrilled to look after your baby for one day a week - cold, flu or whatever included - then they don't deserve to and you should use other childcare I'm afraid. I write as a GP who looks after GD one day a week to help her mum and dad, not hold them hostage.

I’ve always looked after my grandkids one day a week…after school a few days a week and over night stays. I do it because I love my kids and love my grandkids. My kids can afford childcare, but I had lots of contact with my Nan and loved my time with her. I just want to enjoy my grandkids whilst I am able. I’m sorry you have parents that see things differently.

I guess they didn’t realise just how many bugs kids in nurseries catch and they are elderly so this is not great for them. I wouldn’t be happy about the holiday comment and would stop their help. For me second time around (11yr gap with first and I was young when he was born) I only used paid childcare not family and god it saved me a lot of aggro over the years

My parents insisted on doing the childcare when mine were small. Said nursery was neglect. They love a bit of emotional blackmail.

anyway, i used to say to people, i dont pay for childcare but by god i pay for childcare.

I look after my best friend’s little boy one day a week. I do it to help her out, to save her money on childcare, because I love building a bond with him and seeing the relationship he has with my own children.

If it means that I am helping her to afford a holiday, or other luxuries, or for him to do an activity, or her to have her nails done etc then that makes me happy. Why would I want to see her struggling? I certainly don’t feel like I have any say over her expenditure.

OP how old are grandparents and are they in good health?
Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!
I have looked after granddaughter age 5 since she was born - not full-time but regular overnights. Due to health problems now I simply can't do it anymore. I do have her a few.hours here and there but am struggling with even this now.
I know it's hard for young people to understand but could it be your parents especially dad feel the same and simply can't cope?

They are trying to control you. It would be great if you did a swap date with a friend or another mother so you could tell them to feck orf.

He sounds a miserable bugger end of.

I pay a third of my dgrandaughters nursery fee (dd works 3 days). This is to help them out. I can't do childcare instead because I work ft. I do so without any judgement on whatever she does. In my book if you can't do it unconditionally, don't do it all.
In your shoes, pop her straight into nursery for your 3 days. You can do tax free childcare. Just do it.

I would have loved to have grandparents to rely on for child care. But didn’t have them. Had to muddle through with all sorts. It’s probably better in the long run. You’re paying for something that hopefully won’t let you down. Relatives sometimes do…

OK few things.
If the bug your parents caught is similar to the one we had recently I don't blame him one bit for saying actually we don't want to get sick again. Honestly thought I might die it was so awful.
Also if your parents haven't had a baby around in a long time ( sounds like they haven't) they probably have forgotten just how hard a baby /child is. So lashing out over the money spent on the holiday might be just frustration.
Also maybe money is tight for them and they don't want to say actually if you have spare money maybe offer it to your parents.

As for childcare I always think family and friends always has the potential to go belly up so have a back up if possible.
Speak to your parents frankly and openly, say we can afford full time what would you prefer no obligation.

We don't have the option of family but we would choose day care if we did purely for issues like this.

Ultimately u don't think anyone is being unreasonable here.

it seems like they liked the idea more than the reality - which is very hard work. I think it’s a lot to expect of a parent and your dad has been unwell already from nursery illnesses.

As you say you mostly live frugally they might not realise you have so much income and savings.

YANBU to book the holiday, but YABU to expect your parents to continue the arrangement.