DP told me I need to do more with DC.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I’m exhausted our DD is 10 months and still waking twice a night for feeds. Which i do as in the week DP works (stil on matleave) & at weekends DP will get up early with DC so I can sleep in.

last night, for the first time ever, our DD woke up at 9:30pm for a feed and then slept until 6am!!!!!!!! Im elated.

it’s currently 00:40 the next night and DD has already woken 4 times.

yesterday I’d taken DD to soft play, was there for 1.5hrs. Then came straight home, DD spent most of the time sat in the ball pit trying to bite the balls.

DP has just told me I need to do more with DD as that’s obviously why she slept SO well last night.

let me tell you this, our DD has enough toys to fill a toy shop & I am playing with her always. We do sensory games. Painting. Today I had to go to the shops. DP says this is why she’s woken tonight already, because she was STUCK in a pram. I was at the shops for maybe 1.5-2 hours. The rest of the time we were at home playing. Personally I think fresh air is good for a child.

DP has said I need to do more with her.

I feel pissed off. I have no idea why DD would have slept so well last night. unless 1.5hr at a soft play trying to eat a plastic ball HAS exhausted her. Naps have been the same as always.

i genuinely don’t know what else I can do with her? Im DESPERATE for full nights sleep. & I’m upset that DP thinks I must do more.

I just stared In shock. I go back to work next month so if his theory is correct at least she’ll sleep all night after nursery.

i exhausted and feel like I’m doing all I can. To be told to do more.

The brightest of my kids had to be woken for feeds because his blood sugar dropped too low otherwise. And the screamer who woke every 2 hours demanding milk has been the least academic. But perhaps my family is backwards- I could easily believe it!

OP neither of my two slept through until two years. With my first I used to try and exhaust her with at least one baby group daily, sensory play at home and park visits. It made no difference to her sleep.

With my second I just accepted that they will sleep when ready. I am not saying stay home all day but don’t kill yourself chasing that elusive full night. It will happen when the baby is ready.

This is also my 3yr lol stopped naps at 1 and half yrs because he wouldnt go to bed till around 12am. Nursery does nothing. If we are in the car and he manages to fall asleep for even 2mins thats him till god nose what time. If he stays awake til 7/8pm he will wake up at 3am full of beens. I keep him up till around half 9 and he is up about half 6/7.

all kids are different. My eldest was a terrible sleeper til around 7months then started sleeping through. My youngest is 8months, started sleeping through around 8weeks but is now getting up 1 or 2 times during the night. He is teething badly compared to the 2.

OP hasn’t mentioned a husband.

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to do more with his child, OP.

Tell him that when you can also do 8-10 hour's work with breaks for lunch and coffee, that you'll consider doing more during your work hours.

While you have a job that involves being on call 24/7, you'll make the decisions about what you do during those work hours. Or he can take over - completely - for 1 weekend day (24 hrs) and 2.5 weeknights so that you have enough energy to have run around doing productive things with your toddler during the other time.

🙂

Please ignore him and carry on doing what feels right for you. I have experienced the opposite to what your DH is saying, where on the days where I have done more with DD she has found it harder to sleep, almost as though she is overstimulated and excitable.

My DC had quite a busy schedule because I loved getting out and letting her see other babies whilst I chatted to the mums. However it made absolutely no difference to her sleep. As a PP said, it's like reading tea leaves - although actually I had more success reading tea leaves than I ever did predicting DD's sleep pattern.
It's lovely to think there's a key but there are so many variables. In the meantime tell DH you're looking forward to the busy schedule he has planned for his weekends with your DC to test his theory.

I’d say it’s more the environment, maybe seeing the other children around her exhausted her. I’m in the same boat though with sleep deprivation, gotta love sleep regression!!!

‘Its really good that he helps out at weekends’
the bar is so low. How good do you think it is that OP helps out 24 hours a day? Is parenting your own kid ‘helping out’? The bloke needs to parent his kid when he is home.

Prob a fluke tbh, I hardly do anything with my youngest and she has always slept fine. Child 1 was a terror whatever we did.

I had a rather old fashioned view to toddlers - treat them a bit like a puppy - tire them out! So plenty of fresh air, nature walk, kick a ball around, soft play etc every day as this worked to my benefit as the more fresh air I got the better I felt and the more they slept.

I asked for advice on here in a similar situation and some very wise mumsnetters reminded me that we each give something different to our child.
my husband it’s the outdoorsy active one, I’m the home craft and toy play one.

I made this clear to him, that if he wanted more done that I was happy to change it up, but that I am one human, doing my one job the best I could.

sorry he said that to you OP, I know it hits you where it hurts. You’re doing great.

Do you need to be doing organised activities at home the whole time? That must be absolutely exhausting! When mine were little, either at home or visiting friends, the toys were all in the middle of the room and the babies/toddlers played while the adults chatted/read and interacted with the kids when the asked something.

Maybe going out for walks and to soft play (while you just sit and observe) would be easier for both of you.

My DD is really good at falling asleep. Put down awake in the cot and she’ll go off all on her own. Naps are fine. It’s just she seems to like to wake at night & the only way to get her back off is a bottle, which she does drain.

so not sure we need to sleep train. It’s just the wake ups are exhausting. Even 2x 15 minute feeds a night really take it out of me as I’m not blessed with the ability to just fall back to sleep! Ha!

i spoke to DP this morning and I said that I’m always the one getting up and I can’t facilitate a soft play day every day!! He said that he’s tired although he doesn’t wake up the noise of DD crying for a feed wakes him. So I told him to sleep on the sofa.

I must say though, at the weekends DP does take 75% of the load in the day. So I can have a break, which I guess is why I still do the nights because that feels balanced.

balancing everyone’s needs with children is somewhat hard

He can do lots with her on a Sun, so she sleeps well and you will have a good day on Mon then!!!

DP should start taking the baby swimming at the weekend.

I would cut out one of the night feeds.
Do one feed before you go to bed at 10-11pm - make this the same time every night.
If the baby wakes in the night have DP go in with a cup of water, cuddle and resettle. You will probably find she sleeps through within a week.

If the baby is already falling asleep alone in her cot without a bottle at bedtime then you are almost there with sleep anyway. That's usually the biggest issue.

OP my DP did similar - whenever anything went well with a small DC he'd go back over the preceding 24 hours to work out a reproducible cause. He was constantly making spurious causal connections.

It's a way of retaining an illusion of control in a very unpredictable situation. I could live with it because my DP looked for prescriptions for BOTH of us and listened to reason (well..... some of the time) if I argued against his conclusions.

Your DP may have a point in the sense that being among other children may tire DD out more than being with you. But then it's about doing different things with DD, not doing more. And either way him issuing instructions to you like that is not on.

Whether he is right or not isn't really the issue here (and btw it sounds like you do loads with baby so his point is irrelevant really).
It's how he communicated it. It seems like an accusation that you don't do enough and you are to blame for any poor sleep. If that's the case, that's really unfair! Or on the other hand if it was an observation shared, "hmmm maybe softplay helped her sleep, might be good to do more of that?" type comment I think fair enough but also I'd point out you do loads!

you dont practise walking holding hands! you are damaging the child if you dont let them learn to walk by themselves.

Yep, all these parents around the world and throughout history DAMAGING their children

I would tell him ok then I'll take her out all day and every day and YOU do all the house stuff, cooking, laundry.

In my experience with my DS nothing worked with him and sleep. Sometimes (rarely) he would sleep, most times he would not. It didn't matter if he went out all day or not. Sometimes he would sleep if he was in the car, sometimes not. Sometimes with the front of the cot raised, sometimes not. I could walk miles with him asleep in his stroller and the second I stopped he would wake up.

It is absolutely exhausted and it doesn't help with his dictates that he knows better than you. Maybe he would like to do your role and you do his? See if his plan works then!

I have an 18 month old premature DS who is full time in nursery and I’m sorry to tell you that he still wakes for milk in the night (ff) and nothing will settle him except bottle. It’s worse than ever now as he’s cutting his molars and canines together. We are working with paediatrician to try to reduce bottles but he will not use any cup and we’ve tried about 10 different ones. He also eats 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.
I’ve tried everything and the professionals who see him every 6-8 weeks have told us to accept that he will sleep through when he is ready.
Development is all over the place for DS. It’s so hard when working full time. Sending solidarity, tell DP to do one is my advice.

DP is being a prick.
He can do more with her too.
I'd probably down tools for a week and just play with her and go out for nice trips out all the time - he can do the housework, cooking, laundry, whatever.
He needs to be doing more. Knob.

He has a theory, so ask him to prove it or drop it?DH should take charge of all DD activity from 6pm Friday until bedtime Sunday.If he's right, you should get at least 2 good nights sleep. If he's wrong, you get to be smug. Win-win.