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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP told me I need to do more with DC.

188 replies

WhatsMyUsername89 · 18/01/2023 00:47

I’m exhausted our DD is 10 months and still waking twice a night for feeds. Which i do as in the week DP works (stil on matleave) & at weekends DP will get up early with DC so I can sleep in.

last night, for the first time ever, our DD woke up at 9:30pm for a feed and then slept until 6am!!!!!!!! Im elated.

it’s currently 00:40 the next night and DD has already woken 4 times.

yesterday I’d taken DD to soft play, was there for 1.5hrs. Then came straight home, DD spent most of the time sat in the ball pit trying to bite the balls.

DP has just told me I need to do more with DD as that’s obviously why she slept SO well last night.

let me tell you this, our DD has enough toys to fill a toy shop & I am playing with her always. We do sensory games. Painting. Today I had to go to the shops. DP says this is why she’s woken tonight already, because she was STUCK in a pram. I was at the shops for maybe 1.5-2 hours. The rest of the time we were at home playing. Personally I think fresh air is good for a child.

DP has said I need to do more with her.

I feel pissed off. I have no idea why DD would have slept so well last night. unless 1.5hr at a soft play trying to eat a plastic ball HAS exhausted her. Naps have been the same as always.

i genuinely don’t know what else I can do with her? Im DESPERATE for full nights sleep. & I’m upset that DP thinks I must do more.

I just stared In shock. I go back to work next month so if his theory is correct at least she’ll sleep all night after nursery.

i exhausted and feel like I’m doing all I can. To be told to do more.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 18/01/2023 07:28

@GiltEdges a DD! Sorry typing quick

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 18/01/2023 07:29

If she's FF, why can't he do some of the night feeds? DH and I used to share, even when I was on mat leave and he was working.

FancyFanny · 18/01/2023 07:31

Well, it depends if your DP was suggesting you take dd out more or telling you- that's the difference.

Anyway, it's not a bad idea to get baby out and about and socialising- it builds their immune system to mix with more people, stimulates their brains and gives you a break. I can't imagine anything more boring than playing one to one with a baby all day and I don't think that's a natural way to parent either.

When my dd was young I tried to go somewhere most days- church toddler group, a friend or neighbour's for coffee, my parents house, the shops ( nothing wrong with doing this in my view) soft play with a friend, the park (once they could toddle),

Flamingogirl08 · 18/01/2023 07:32

I have an 8 month old and there's no sense to her sleep, it's not linear. She will go a week sleeping through 12 hours and then maybe a few days waking twice through the night. It just is what it is. You're doing fine

CinnamonJellyBeans · 18/01/2023 07:36

Continue to insist that your DP tests his own hypothesis by taking the kids to soft play himself.

( Like PP, I do think he may be correct)

SheWoreYellow · 18/01/2023 07:37

Don’t you want to get out each day though?

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 18/01/2023 07:39

My boys were also liked this...getting them out to a playback...soft play, baby groups with movement was defo a good way of getting them a better sleep BUT it wasn't guaranteed and doing those things also made me double exhausted. So if it didn't work, it was a loose loose for me. However mine were sleep trained and on the whole slept through, when the elders was just 2.5 and the youngest was a newborn that was the most challenging time. Having to keep eldest physically busy all day and the. Night feed. We tried to get into a routine of one physical thing each day then 30hrs free childcare kicked in and that was perfect. You sound like you're doing everything you need to do so well done. Your DH obviously wasn't thinking straight when he said that

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/01/2023 07:46

I went through a stage of taking my dd out every day. Then I learnt the value of just letting her have days where we chilled out at home. We had a little garden, so we had inside and outside play. It was nice for both of us to have some days at home.

It is great to make sure that your dc get enough stimulation but balance is key. There is such a thing as being overstimulated.

Play it by ear. Don’t feel pressured to have to take your dd out every single day.

And parents are allowed to give themselves a break too.

BudgetBeatrice · 18/01/2023 07:50

I'm in the "he's a knob for saying it like that, but he might be right" camp. Swimming (lessons or just me taking them) seemed to end up with a better night's sleep. I went in the early evenings so they would go to sleep at night instead of having a huge nap.

I was also more relaxed if I got out to a mum and babies group or something too, which helped in lots of ways.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/01/2023 07:51

HeddaGarbled · 18/01/2023 00:51

The day a man tells his exhausted wife that she needs to be doing more is the day she stops cooking his meals, doing his laundry and cleaning the house for at least a month.

This. Tell him to fuck off. Seriously.

BertieBotts · 18/01/2023 07:55

DH can be a bit like this, what he actually means is "I can see you are really struggling at night and I wish I had something to offer to help. // Hey, this extra activity on that day really seemed to work - I will mention that to Bertie, it will probably be useful information to her."

It comes out as "You need to do XYZ more" (he somehow assumes I have all the background thoughts)

I hear "You're lazy and not trying hard enough" and get angry/defensive.

It's not what he means. I wish he would word it differently. I think it's worth explaining this, if your DP is generally supportive and helpful (if he's normally a critical/unsupportive arse, then ignore me because it's clearly not the same situation).

Also, pointing out that if he notices something that seems to help, he could just silently enact it himself, rather than putting it on you. For example, take DC for a 15 minute walk around the block when he gets home from work.

glittereyelash · 18/01/2023 07:56

10 months is still so young it's very hard to establish a sleep routine that works every night at that age. My boy was the most active baby on earth running all over the place at 10 months. We did soft play 3 times a week, the park every day aswell as music and sensory class and hids sleep chopped and changed constantly. From age three onwards he slept from 7 to 7.30 no matter what we did or didn't do during the day.

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2023 07:58

Just to say OP mine never did.

For the first year I did stuff most days with my oldest - baby sensory, soft play, monkey music etc. he didn’t sleep through until nearly 4.

Youngest one I did very little. His sleep was erratic until we sorted a food intolerance. He slept like a log after that and most days were spent at home.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 18/01/2023 07:59

I think he needs to take a full week off work and step into your role. Not just the childcare but also the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and disrupted sleep and night feeds and see how well he copes and how well the baby sleeps then. Most men have no clue how demanding doing all this is long term. I would tell him to do this or shut up as he does not get to advise on something he has not experienced. However for your own sanity and support from other parents going through similar I would advise joining a baby and toddler group. You will meet lots of other mums/carers experiencing similar who will support and maybe even have useful and lived experience.

ClarissaParry · 18/01/2023 08:00

That's some Grade A Knobbery from your partner right there, OP. Babies don't sleep on command, and it's often impossible to predict what will work from one day/week/month to the next at this age, they are just growing and changing too quickly.

If you're going back to work next month, can you get your child into some settling in sessions soon at nursery, so you have time for a nap to catch up on sleep at least?

You do enough, but you probably need to think ahead to when your routines will change with work. Will your partner pick up the slack? (I'm not hopeful for you, just based on what you've said here)

BeardyButton · 18/01/2023 08:05

Ha! Ha! Ha! He makes me laugh!!!!

if my experience is anything to go by… it’s much more likely your baby has some sort of virus. Mine always did this when sick. He’d go from waking twice/three times a night to sleeping through (incubating whatever was in His system). We’d get a night or two of sleep. And then the virus would hit and bam sleep imploded.

Fundays12 · 18/01/2023 08:05

OP I don't necessarily think what your husband said was nice but it can definitely help keeping little ones busy. My 3 kids all needed to go to baby or toddler groups every day to sleep well at night. It helped there routine too. Sitting in prams at nearly 1 meant they didn't get the movement they needed to be tired. I used to literally take my kids out everyday at that age but we had a nice little routine of certain toddler groups or swimming lessons. They all slept well generally except when teething. This is because they were exhausted but also had the stimulation they need. They are now 10, 6 and 3 and still sleep well. Nursery can help some kids but don't be to surprised if it unsettles her a little too initially. However if your DH feels she needs more stimulation I am sure he can take her out on his days of too.

Greatly · 18/01/2023 08:06

HeddaGarbled · 18/01/2023 00:51

The day a man tells his exhausted wife that she needs to be doing more is the day she stops cooking his meals, doing his laundry and cleaning the house for at least a month.

This is the only advice you need OP!

Equimum · 18/01/2023 08:12

I wouldn't my take what he said too personally, but could you maybe try going to the park or something for a little bit each day. I really found going somewhere different and stimulating, even if only for half an hour, where baby got to explore, was so much more tiring than playing at home all day.

I am sure you're doing an amazing job, and you sound super engaged with your little one, but it's always worth trying new things, especially if they have worked once.

Cakecakecheese · 18/01/2023 08:17

My baby and I have a very packed schedule and he does sleep very well. However I don't have much time for housework because of it! So it seems like reasonable suggestion to say you need to get out more as clearly he's going to hire a cleaner.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 18/01/2023 08:19

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/01/2023 07:46

I went through a stage of taking my dd out every day. Then I learnt the value of just letting her have days where we chilled out at home. We had a little garden, so we had inside and outside play. It was nice for both of us to have some days at home.

It is great to make sure that your dc get enough stimulation but balance is key. There is such a thing as being overstimulated.

Play it by ear. Don’t feel pressured to have to take your dd out every single day.

And parents are allowed to give themselves a break too.

This exactly OP. There is no exact science, no two DCs are the same. Time, trial and error and you will find what works best for you.

Sleepless1096 · 18/01/2023 08:22

Also in the 'he's a knob but might be right' category. It worked with my eldest. He had bags of energy so I'd take him for long walks as soon as he could crawl. I'd find somewhere safe outside without too many dogs, take him out of the pushchair and let him crawl next to the pram until he was exhausted. He slept quite well from around 7-8 months as soon as he got on the move.

Beamur · 18/01/2023 08:22

If baby sleeping could be easily resolved that would reduce the threads on MN drastically!
Each to their own but I tried to get out every day with DD as being indoors all day drove us both a bit mad.
Housework can wait.
Does your DP ever take DD out by himself? Maybe he could take the lead at the weekend and show you how its done? 😉

TinyTear · 18/01/2023 08:22

@WhatsMyUsername89 for all you know she caught a bug in the germ soup that is soft play and slept to ward off the cold/whatever
mine always caught stuff in soft play, germ pits...

motherfugga · 18/01/2023 08:24

If my two were in the house all day with one supermarket outing at that age they probably wouldn't sleep either. They always needed more stimulation than that. Other people's kids were much more relaxed though and would happily spend a day leafing through books and pottering around. So he could be right but not necessarily.

Sounds like your partner could have framed it more helpfully though and offered to do more around the house. My partner does all laundry and a lot of cooking - childcare is full on. You're doing brilliantly.