DP told me I need to do more with DC.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I’m exhausted our DD is 10 months and still waking twice a night for feeds. Which i do as in the week DP works (stil on matleave) & at weekends DP will get up early with DC so I can sleep in.

last night, for the first time ever, our DD woke up at 9:30pm for a feed and then slept until 6am!!!!!!!! Im elated.

it’s currently 00:40 the next night and DD has already woken 4 times.

yesterday I’d taken DD to soft play, was there for 1.5hrs. Then came straight home, DD spent most of the time sat in the ball pit trying to bite the balls.

DP has just told me I need to do more with DD as that’s obviously why she slept SO well last night.

let me tell you this, our DD has enough toys to fill a toy shop & I am playing with her always. We do sensory games. Painting. Today I had to go to the shops. DP says this is why she’s woken tonight already, because she was STUCK in a pram. I was at the shops for maybe 1.5-2 hours. The rest of the time we were at home playing. Personally I think fresh air is good for a child.

DP has said I need to do more with her.

I feel pissed off. I have no idea why DD would have slept so well last night. unless 1.5hr at a soft play trying to eat a plastic ball HAS exhausted her. Naps have been the same as always.

i genuinely don’t know what else I can do with her? Im DESPERATE for full nights sleep. & I’m upset that DP thinks I must do more.

I just stared In shock. I go back to work next month so if his theory is correct at least she’ll sleep all night after nursery.

i exhausted and feel like I’m doing all I can. To be told to do more.

In my experience, babies give you a good night when you are on the verge of losing it due to total exhaustion. It creates a misplaced sense of hope, the promise of future sleep, and then they don’t do it again for several months.
It may be that soft play made a difference, or it could be a fluke. I took mine out to groups or activities pretty much every day and my first two (twins) didn’t sleep through until 12 months when they switched from formula to cow’s milk. My third…well, the less said about her sleep the better.

If you do all the wake-ups, it is really up to you what decide to do with baby during the days you are looking after her. I can see how it feels like a criticism.

It was probably a fluke.

He may well be right though. Sorry.

Being out, in a new and busy environment, not strapped in the pram. It's the baby equivalent of good exercise and socialising. It tires them out. Playing at home is great, but it has different benefits.

Try going out every morning for a couple of weeks. Or maybe do a long term class once a week. See if you spot a pattern.

Stay and plays. Toddler forest school. The swings at the playground. Soft play. Music class. Mum and baby exercise class.

Swimming would be your best bet though. It's good exercise and knocks them out.

He may have a valid point or be completely wrong. However, it's high time he stepped up and did more of the drudge work of parenting in readiness for you both working out of the home.

He needs to do wake ups on Friday and Saturday, he can take little one swimming on his own at the weekend and make sure he does his share of chores. Once your back at work he needs to do 50/50 night wakings, nursery runs, chores, shopping, cooking etc.

My dd was run ragged every day and she didn’t sleep through until she was 3.
I’d suggest he takes dd for the day, leave you in peace and he can run her ragged for her to then wake up through the night.

I think you DP was cheeky and probably has no idea of the work/mental load you are carrying.

However, in the gentlest way, it might help to have your little one out more. Only talking from my experience- there has never been a stage where ny 3 year old hasn’t slept well as a result of being in a different environment. It doesn’t matter how many activities I try/tried to replicate at home. The mental and physical stimulation of being out always brings a full night sleep. Just ny experience though!

Another one here who thinks he's right. Mine has always done better getting out every day. At ten months we would never have gotten away with staying in and playing with the toys he has, and to be honest I found that more exhausting as I needed to be playing with him all the time. Forget it.

Get yourself out to baby groups and activities. Church hall playgroups and the like are cheap. I'd rather spend two hours in a playgroup talking to other adults while the children entertain and exhaust each other without my input than being stuck at home.

Add some fresh air into the mix and she may well sleep better. Don't knock it til you try it. At 16 months mine now goes out every single morning without fail and some afternoons too. Once she's walking you might find that unless she's literally walked outdoors like a puppy every day, she won't be tired enough to sleep well.

Oh and tell your husband he's doing his share of night wakings from now on in the week too ffs the cheeky fecker.

The idea that your DP doesn't get up in the night because he works suggests that his paid work (10 hr days?) is more important than your unpaid, 24 hr work. That needs to end! You're both contributing to the family, and need to share the load at home. He needs to do more nights.

No one really knows why babies start sleeping through. Mine did it once at 6mo and then not again for ages.

What he said would feel like criticism but also being told how to look after the child he isn't primary carer of smacks of mansplaining - it's easy to have an opinion when you're not the one to act on it and the impact of it isn't actually affecting you!

Yanbu.

It’s a one off so I wouldn’t put any weight to the theory soft play tired her out unless you repeat that day. I’d be telling him that he can do everything on the weekend, cooking, cleaning, errands and playing with baby and see how she sleeps. I’d have been furious with his comment and I’d be letting him know that.

I was out and about every day with DD, daily fresh air, exercise as soon as she could crawl at five months, plenty of stimulation, set awake time each morning and a solid bedtime routine. She didn’t sleep through til 18 months and is still a shit sleeper at 3.5. New baby, I’m not bothering.

Let DP experiment with his theory on the weekends while you rest.

i also think he may well be right as infuriating as that may be for you). Lots of babies sleep really well after swimming for example. My children generally sleep best when they’ve had a busy day with lots of exercise. Some children are just not great at sleeping though.

At 10 months one of mine was desperate to walk and would have been cruising all day. The other one was quite happy to have a nice sit down and was much less physical. First one has always been an amazing sleeper. Second one was a good sleeping baby and a terrible sleeping toddler and still is at nearly 4. She is much better on days she’s kept busy and not in car too much.

i voted YANBU.

I have a 17 month old but thinking back to then. We did the same- sensory class once a week and swimming. She did sleep very well after those but you’re right can’t do that everyday and also we wanted to break it up and expose her to other things like taking her for walks or even going to the shopping mall and walking around (good for me!)

we also stayed at home and I did the same. Lots of sensory play etc and the occasional tv if a particularly bad night. It’s better for them to be exposed to a whole range of holistic activities for their development. My daughter is now 17 months and we take her to the park atleast 3 times a week and she walks and plays there and helps her sleep better but sometimes there are other things at play, like teething issues and she just won’t sleep or like last night woke up 4 times and has been awake since 4am despite having an active day yesterday.

so keep doing what you’re doing for your baby and for yourself too!

One of mine was a terrible sleeper, one was brilliant. They both got the same level of activities. However I did find both needed the stimulation of being around other children and a variety of activities so we went out to groups, play dates, swimming most days. The housework suffered but there's no way we could have stayed home all day.

With my eldest we only succeeded in stopping the night wakes for milk when DH took over being the one to go to him. It took a couple of weeks of the wrong human offering water and cuddles but no milk for him to give up and sleep through.

Hes still a terrible sleeper but he went through 80% of the time when we did that at 18 months and it saved our sanity.

Maybe suggest you’ll do an activity every morning and he takes any wake’s between 11pm and 6am (or whatever works for you) and you try it for 2 weeks?

I think he worded it badly but what he meant was "do more tiring stuff", not "do more stuff". A new environment is more stimulating than home and some activities are more tiring than others. If there are classes or sessions for parents and babies locally, like baby sensory or library story and rhyme time, swimming, all that stuff...try those. Good luck, sleep deprivation is the worst.

Unless your DH has been of and entertained a baby non stop for days on end then ignore him.

My DH did this to me when our DD was going into the toddler needing more stimulation phase. It’s a catch 22 cause you wear yourself out for them all day but they still wake up in the night so then your exhausted and DH ‘is at work next day so needs his sleep’ pisses me of lol

Tell him the next day of he can take your baby for the entire day and try it his way

You're doing great.
If only it was that simple. My toddler doesn't sleep well, waking up every 2 hours since he was 4 months old (he's older sibling was similar). There's an occasional fluke, but there's no explanation to it. Believe me we tried everything. He goes to nursery and loves it, he sleeps the same on those nights. There's no magic solution and your husband doesn't appreciate how much you do.

do what you need to do to stay sane!
Id look at why she is waking up - is she actually hungry? Can you give baby rice in her last bottle to help through the night? I’d be looking to give her more calories during the day if she’s still waking twice.
nursery will be mega tiring for her but their sleep is so up and down - what ‘works’ one day might fail the next! You’ll never know. I would focus on her routine in the day. Also if she wakes in the night I wouldn’t rush in to her unless she cries.. my baby is 12 mo and sometimes I’ll hear him wake up and babble but he’ll go back to sleep. If she’s just in the habit I would play around with her routine to try and put a stop to the night waking. Also I’d try putting her to bed as late as possible just to try and get a full night. You must be absolutely knackered after 10 months of this! Ignore your partner. Some days we sleep better than others, same for kids. X

Your DP has fallen into the trap many of us do, which is trying desperately to recreate everything that led to that one-off night of blissful sleep! Been there, done that. It's a fluke, babies' sleep development comes in fits and starts, so whilst it's disappointing when they go back to being little fiends after a night of angelic sleep, it's potentially a sign that things are moving in the right direction. Or, of course, it could be that her immune system was fighting off a bug, making her more tired than usual. Or teeth. Or something else totally random.

It's unlikely it was related to soft play, but it's an easy thing to prove/disprove - go again and see how her sleep is that night. It'll show DP that it's far more complex than he thinks.

Tbh, it doesnt sound like the baby is getting much stimulation. Do you attend any classes at all? music and movement classes are great for babies. Swimming? There are lots and lots of options around rather than being sat in a ball pool or pram. It gives you time to mix with other parents too.

BUT are you the only one running the home? Just because you are on mat leave doesnt mean it is all down to you to do rverything at home. He should be doing equal housework and cooking etc.

what does your dp do on his days off work with the baby?

hollow laugh Tell him to go swing.

DS is 8months old and has been waking every 90mins for the last 4 weeks. Been taking him to baby groups most days (sometimes twice a day) since everything started back and it hasn't made a blind bit of difference except now I'm more exhausted.

We had a day at home yesterday and an hour in the pram where we walked to the shop and back. He's slept for 5hrs straight tonight.

For all the talk of babies needing a routine, the truth is when it comes to sleep babies are inconsistent scoundrels.

I’m not saying you have to but at the same time why can’t you? You aren’t on maternity leave to “run a house” you’re on maternity leave to look after your baby so why can’t you spend 1.5 hours a day taking her out to an stimulating activity.

It could be a fluke, my baby does sleep considerably better when she’s properly had her energy burned off and that doesn’t happen for us playing with toys in the living room. It’s just not as stimulating for her.

At 10 months we would do soft play, a stay and play where she could be walk around with the other toddlers and babies in a new environment with loads to take in, even in the crawling phase I put her in a snowsuit and let her crawl around the park!

@WhatsMyUsername89 I have a child who has always had sleep problems right from being a baby. She has always been a night owl. I’m not, never have been but my sister is, always has been. It seems to be something that you’re born with.

I can honestly say that it doesn’t matter how much time and energy we invest into giving her a full day of activities, play, outside time etc, it makes no difference on her sleeping well throughout the night.

Having a consistent sleep routine helps but isn’t a guarantee or magic solution.

There have been times when well meaning people have said: ‘oh she will sleep well tonight,’ and they were wrong . She didn’t (despite my hopes), after a big day out with loads of fresh air and play and she’s yawning and tired and then at bedtime she got this second wind and was bouncing off the walls unable to sleep. Even with our consistent sleep routine and consistent bed time.

Don’t let him blame you. Don’t take that on board. You know if you are spending enough time with your baby. And you are not her only parent.

Tell that man that you are a team and that children need parents who back each other up and work together and get along. So, he needs to focus on what you are doing right and acknowledge you for it and vice versa.

None of this parent shaming, tearing you down, blaming bullshit. Because parenting is a hard gig and there are plenty of parent shaming people/bullies out there and you don’t need to be living with one.

Absolute bollocks. Our toddler goes to nursery 4 days a week and doesn't stop! Still never bloody sleeps.

I can remember DD1 being the same, woke few times a night repetitively, then slept through — bliss. Then back to almost square 1, odd night slept through. Didn’t last long ( tho seemed it at the time) Eventually evened out and became a good sleeper.
Ignore your husband and remind him children aren’t robots that can be programmed.