DP told me I need to do more with DC.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I’m exhausted our DD is 10 months and still waking twice a night for feeds. Which i do as in the week DP works (stil on matleave) & at weekends DP will get up early with DC so I can sleep in.

last night, for the first time ever, our DD woke up at 9:30pm for a feed and then slept until 6am!!!!!!!! Im elated.

it’s currently 00:40 the next night and DD has already woken 4 times.

yesterday I’d taken DD to soft play, was there for 1.5hrs. Then came straight home, DD spent most of the time sat in the ball pit trying to bite the balls.

DP has just told me I need to do more with DD as that’s obviously why she slept SO well last night.

let me tell you this, our DD has enough toys to fill a toy shop & I am playing with her always. We do sensory games. Painting. Today I had to go to the shops. DP says this is why she’s woken tonight already, because she was STUCK in a pram. I was at the shops for maybe 1.5-2 hours. The rest of the time we were at home playing. Personally I think fresh air is good for a child.

DP has said I need to do more with her.

I feel pissed off. I have no idea why DD would have slept so well last night. unless 1.5hr at a soft play trying to eat a plastic ball HAS exhausted her. Naps have been the same as always.

i genuinely don’t know what else I can do with her? Im DESPERATE for full nights sleep. & I’m upset that DP thinks I must do more.

I just stared In shock. I go back to work next month so if his theory is correct at least she’ll sleep all night after nursery.

i exhausted and feel like I’m doing all I can. To be told to do more.

I think you sound like you are doing an amazing job. You are doing lots of activities during the week, playing with her lots and doing the right feeds during the day. You have to get shopping and the daily slog things done and anyone saying otherwise isn’t being realistic. I also think these sorts of things are good for them too. It’s another way of play for them with all the shapes and colours and faces etc.

A baby waking up for feeds at night is hard and some people get lucky where their child just stops waking for one on their own. Some people aren’t so lucky. You are doing an amazing job xx

@Shufflebumnessie we crossed over there - solidarity from another veteran of ten years of poor sleep!

Tell him to piss right off - he's neither your boss nor your dad so he doesn't get to "tell" you what to do.

You need to night wean, 4 times at 10 months old is just silly and habit rather than hunger. If you’re exhausted through sleep martyring every day I can see why he’s getting a bit irritated that you can’t manage much through tiredness.

Do some gentle (not CIO, before anyone starts) sleep training, get some sleep and get her into a nice routine of going out and getting fresh air, you’ll all feel better for it.

He’s not ‘telling’ her what to do. If OP is knackered and flopping around all day that affects the whole house, including him. It’s completely normal for the first 6 months or so, but at 10 it means their routine or sleep habits are going wrong somewhere. Pointing this out doesn’t make him a ‘knob’.

I dont think that poster are contradicting each other actually, most are suggesting the baby is out more, NOT in the pram

You are doing brilliantly. Shame you live with a non-practising childcare expert though. If her really thinks that taking your baby out more will help her sleep then maybe he needs to look at things you can BOTH do, or consider that you being exhausted is something that really needs addressing.

Would I be right in thinking that your baby will go to sleep just fine, but then wakes in the night? If so, then maybe changing who feeds her in the night will help. At weekends, there is no earthly reason why her father can't be the one to get up and feed her while you get some extra sleep. Even if it makes no difference at all, even after he has demonstrated how best to wear her out for optimum sleep, you will be less exhausted, feel more supported and therefore be better able to cope with everything.

This too will pass. One of the worst things about having a young child is that everybody has an opinion about why everything is definitely your fault. There is no "fault" here. As others have said, a lot has to do with developmental stages, or is completely random. The baby's sleep matters, of course, but what matters more is your mental health and doing something about your exhaustion. Your partner was wrong to frame this as you not doing enough, and hopefully he will be supportive of you looking at making changes, or trying new things out when you tell him how you feel. If you do something new three times and every time you get better sleep then it's worth looking at increasing the frequency of that activity, but it might just be random.

It was probably entirely coincidental that she decided to sleep through after going to softplay. Ignore your DP, tell him to do more with her it he’s concerned.

How does one transport a baby between the park/baby groups/swimming/soft play/everything else that has been suggested on this thread if not in the pram?

Also @Nimbostratus100 OP clearly states she is out at least once everyday with the baby anyway. I personally think that’s more than adequate.

not if its just a pram ride, that is like you or I just getting driven round in a car and driven home, its not what I would consider properly going out

transport the baby there in the pram, then remove baby from pram!

My now 15 month old does not sleep well still and at 10 months I was the same up and down still had quite a lot of feeds during the night some nights he would sleep 12-7 etc nothing changed just random days of the month he’d sleep well, there’s no real rhythm he was at nursery all day yesterday and still woke up last night at 10pm for 3 hours your doing amazing , maybe he needs to do more with dd if he’s so concerned .

Okay.

🛑 stop doing housework, cooking, washing & ironing & tidying for dh. Immediately.

Take baby out every day to park, play area, ball pits, seaside, etc have a lovely time & exhausted baby who will sleep.

Let dickhead oh deal with life's admin.

Haven’t RTFT. First comment nailed it.

Really, how dare he??

I genuinely would stop absolutely everything you do to facilitate his life or make things easier for him. Focus all your attention on your little one and when you’re not focusing on her, practice some self care.

What does he do with his daughter, btw?

Read her posts. It isn’t just a pram ride. She goes to the park, friends houses and playgroups. She timed a trip to the shops which required a more prolonged period of being in the pram for nap time, which I’m pretty certain we’ve all done before.

Ah fair enough just read the OP back more slowly and he does have the DC at the weekend. I’ll retract that bit.

But honestly, do what you can, do what feels right to you. Don’t be discouraged, it’ll get better. Hope you get some good sleep again - it makes all the difference.

Definitely get him to test his theory out this weekend, Saturday have a relaxing day and don’t do much and then on Sunday have an active day and see the difference,

you can have a full relaxing weekend,

I think it’s just your luck if you have a good sleeper, we thankfully did and some days we had quiet days and others were hectic. Slept the same no matter what we did whether it was a baby group day or a long walk in the pram.

In my experience brighter kids wake up more and the ‘duller’ ones sleep through from the start. At least that’s how I reassured myself 😉

Both of mine didn’t sleep properly st night until they were 3.
Regardless of busy days, not busy days, nursery, softplay…
usually something new might make them more tired… but it also might lead to more wake ups due to processing of said nee thing.
take her swimming - she might sleep a wonderful 2 hours after - and have a nap. Don’t worry about the house.
and at the weekend, hand over the baby, tell DH to make sure he does loads with her, and put some washing on as well, and go back to bed

I could say he's being a dick... I am guessing he's trying to be helpful (at least he cares to get involved and think about it). My 10 month old sleep has been very intermittent. Normally I do activities morning and afternoon to wear her out. I'vebeen ill so yesterday we didn't leave the house and she had her best night sleep ever 🤷‍♀️should I stop doing activities???I'm sure there are so many factors to their sleep. Tell him how his comment made you feel.

It sounds like you are doing brilliantly. Perhaps leave him by himself with DD for a couple of days / nights and see how he fares! Likely just a phase. Only thought would be possibly to get more daylight, fresh air and outdoor exercise. Difficult at this time of year for sure. It sounds like you are a wonderful mum.

I really like this post because its clear from MN posts that not enough mothers are told that they are doing a good job and they should be! They are usually told they should do things differently and it can be a real downer. Babies do things at their own pace - and yours is healthy and entertained - that is a good job!
Your DH is NOT an expert
Its really good that he helps out at weekends, and he sounds like he's trying to do his best, but you should tell him calmly and nicely some of the points you've made in your post so that he really understands rather than pontificates at you, urging you to search for the magic sleep formula.

If he persists, suggest he pays for a 2-3 hour nursery session once a week or twice a week - ostensibly to wear DD out and get her ready gently for your return to work ( which will also be a big change in routine for her and something you will have to deal with, with patience and support ).
Then you can catch up on some of your missed sleep and feel a bit better in general. Best of luck and keep reminding yourself that you are doing your best!

From the sound of it, the baby goes out a fairly average amount (park, soft play, playgroups and occasionally chores) and the baby sleeps fairly averagely.

It sounds like it was a wonderful fluke but you can (and will) drive yourself crazy trying to work out why they slept better that particular night. Was it a magic carrot, an extra story, porridge, less nap, more nap, earlier nap, sunshine, rain...

My kids have give through spells of sleeping better, worse, individual random good nights etc. For the most part it's been totally random.

2 wake ups on an average night sounds fairly normal sleep for this age. Tiring, but not unusually problematic.

You sound like you're doing fine.

Ps: he should share the nights more irrespective of work.

You're doing more than enough.

Babies don't just sleep through from 6 months unfortunately (although some do!) - both of mine were still waking in the night at 2 years old. It was hard but there is an end in sight.

I'd encourage him to test his theory at a horrendously busy Saturday soft play while you do whatever you want.

I would say though that you have mentioned you play with her constantly. You don't need to do that. Yes it's great to play together every day, but leave her sitting with some toys or looking at board books while you have a cup of tea. Independent play is one of those things that is great for your child and even better for your sanity.