Page 20 | He has a son ?? 😢

CharlotteRose90 · 2023-01-17T20:49:32+00:00

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week. anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday. im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition. what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

elephantcandle · 19/01/2023 11:20

I cant imagine seeing someone at least twice a week for 3 months and never mentioning my child. That must have been hard work.

Whiskeypowers · 19/01/2023 11:30

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 10:49

I’ve said numerous times that he was wrong. However, I don’t agree with ripping a guy, that I don’t know, to shreds on the interest because he made a mistake. Yes he should’ve been up front and he misjudged the situation. I’m sure/hope he didn’t maliciously set out to cause this mess or hurt the OP. Maybe he did, in which case burn him at the stake.

As I’ve already said, OP is well within her right to end the dating, that’s her choice and I think it’s the right one.

As lovely as it has been, I have work to do ☺️

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Well based on the fact this man admitted to the OP he deliberately withheld the information about said child you need to go and start building that bonfire then

oggie679 · 19/01/2023 12:03

What do you mean he lied to you, did you ask if he had children and he said no or did his profile say he didn't have children?

whumpthereitis · 19/01/2023 12:16

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 10:28

Having PCOS myself, she has my sympathy. Children are a blessing. It saddens me that not everyone is interested in being a step parent but there we are, we are all different and each to their own. Before I had my own children I thought the same as the OP but now knowing how much they bring to my life I think differently.

Maybe inconvenience was the wrong choice of word but however you say it, she has no interest in the child, that’s her choice and that’s fine. However, the child deserves more than that. How you all can’t see that is disappointing!

The father was wrong for lying, he should’ve been upfront from the start. However, he was at least honest before they got into a relationship. He didn’t tell her as they were walking down the aisle. They were only dating yet you’re all ready to hang him and acting like he’s the worst person in the world when he made an error. He also shouldn’t want someone in his child’s life that has no interest in said child.

As I said, it’s best all round that the dating has come to an end. Hopefully they both meet the right people soon!

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Children are a blessing if you want them.

You’re painting OP as if she’s missing out, and lacking in some quality you think she needs to have. She’s the one who deserves better than a man who knowingly misled her because he thinks he’s owed a chance at dating her and trying to change her mind.

I didn’t date men with children because I’ve got no interest in them. Similarly, I’m sure I was overlooked by men who wanted children. Those are the breaks. Dating is not equal opportunity, and no one is owed a love life. Wanting to date someone you know won’t be interested in you if you’re honest does not give you the right to lie to them because you think you’re entitled to get what you want.

chimpychompy · 19/01/2023 12:32

In your shoes with the IVF situation I'd not bother. No way I'd be trading in a potential opportunity IVF for a wanker that's lied to me.

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 12:37

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 10:28

Having PCOS myself, she has my sympathy. Children are a blessing. It saddens me that not everyone is interested in being a step parent but there we are, we are all different and each to their own. Before I had my own children I thought the same as the OP but now knowing how much they bring to my life I think differently.

Maybe inconvenience was the wrong choice of word but however you say it, she has no interest in the child, that’s her choice and that’s fine. However, the child deserves more than that. How you all can’t see that is disappointing!

The father was wrong for lying, he should’ve been upfront from the start. However, he was at least honest before they got into a relationship. He didn’t tell her as they were walking down the aisle. They were only dating yet you’re all ready to hang him and acting like he’s the worst person in the world when he made an error. He also shouldn’t want someone in his child’s life that has no interest in said child.

As I said, it’s best all round that the dating has come to an end. Hopefully they both meet the right people soon!

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Why on earth would it sadden you?! If someone doesn't want to be a stepparent and they aren't a step parent what is the issue with that?!

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/01/2023 12:37

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:53

He has replied to me. He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids. He thought he could change my mind I’m guessing. He wants a second chance haha. I wouldn’t have had a problem being a stepmum if I had a child already as I truly love kids but the want for my own comes first. I couldn’t raise someone’s kid and suffer infertility. It would break me . It that makes me selfish so be it.

When I saw your post this is what I thought would happen. They assume you just don't want to have step kids and think they're not with them most of the time so you might come round once you know them. He didn't know it was because of the nhs IVF rules about partner having kids, he probably didn't know the rule existed. Have you told him that now?

Either way a lie is a lie and I wouldn't take the relationship any further, but I would spell it out to him that you know you will need IVF as you already told him and that him having a son would make you ineligible and thats why you won't date someone with kids.

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 12:52

Either way a lie is a lie and I wouldn't take the relationship any further, but I would spell it out to him that you know you will need IVF as you already told him and that him having a son would make you ineligible and thats why you won't date someone with kids.

read the OP’s posts - she did tell him.

Bananatushy · 19/01/2023 12:58

Chaz5rascals · 17/01/2023 20:58

I think I’m missing the point but when/how did he lie? Have you told him you need ivf to have a child? It’s very early days and I understand your online dating profile should have made your feelings about dating a parent clear but he may not have looked at it properly or he liked the sound of you and thought he’d contact you anyway.

This

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/01/2023 13:06

My exh persued me because I DID have dc.. For warped reasons.. Some men also look for dm figures to lessen the effort they need to make with their dc also. Yanbu to be fuming.
Kick him to the kerb...

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 13:07

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/01/2023 12:37

When I saw your post this is what I thought would happen. They assume you just don't want to have step kids and think they're not with them most of the time so you might come round once you know them. He didn't know it was because of the nhs IVF rules about partner having kids, he probably didn't know the rule existed. Have you told him that now?

Either way a lie is a lie and I wouldn't take the relationship any further, but I would spell it out to him that you know you will need IVF as you already told him and that him having a son would make you ineligible and thats why you won't date someone with kids.

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And it doesn't even matter why at the end of the day. She said she doesn't want to date someone with kids and thats fine.

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 13:08

@Bananatushy @Chaz5rascals
She did tell him she needed IVF

She said they spoke on the 2/3 date about having kids. Whether they wanted any. He didn't bring up then that he already has one. That's lying by omission.

Besides which he's already said he deliberately withheld the information from her. He thought he could change her mind. Cause silly op doesn't know her own mind.

He's a manipulative little shit with the flowers too. But hey ho.

SpaceshiptoMars · 19/01/2023 13:10

They assume you just don't want to have step kids and think they're not with them most of the time so you might come round once you know them.

Rookie mistake. It is much easier to have the children with you all the time and have the parental rights. Children who are shuttled back and forth between two houses are permanently unsettled and act it. The significant presence of an ex in your life can be a huge cross to bear - especially if she insists on your house her rules or no access for Dad, and Dad won't stand up against that. I would strongly advise any younger woman without children to steer well clear. Only consider it if you adore children, can't have your own and Dad is widowed fairly recently.

Fuckstix · 19/01/2023 13:10

Bananatushy · 19/01/2023 12:58

This

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Do some people on this forum either not understand what it means to lie by omission (although the ex did in fact lie by commission too)?

Or maybe they live in a world where it is completely acceptable to withold huge details such 'I have a child' from a new partner for months. It's hardly the same as 'I pretended to like jazz too so you would think I was cool, but actually had to google John Coltrane', now is it?

3 months is a long time especially when you have met specifically with the purpose of looking for a relationship, which they did. People get invested emotionally in this time. He went to a lot of trouble to conceal this, it didn't slip his mind or drag on because the moment wasn't right. It's manipulation. This is not something to overlook.

whumpthereitis · 19/01/2023 13:20

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/01/2023 12:37

When I saw your post this is what I thought would happen. They assume you just don't want to have step kids and think they're not with them most of the time so you might come round once you know them. He didn't know it was because of the nhs IVF rules about partner having kids, he probably didn't know the rule existed. Have you told him that now?

Either way a lie is a lie and I wouldn't take the relationship any further, but I would spell it out to him that you know you will need IVF as you already told him and that him having a son would make you ineligible and thats why you won't date someone with kids.

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Why does it matter that it’s because of IVF, rather than just not wanting to date a parent? His actions wouldn’t somehow be more sympathetic if she were simply childfree or just uninterested in step parenting.

This is someone who knew full well she wouldn’t be interested in him, but he decided what he wanted was more important anyway, and that he was owed the opportunity to date her and try to change her mind. Apparently he’s entitled to that more than she’s entitled to set her own boundaries.

Chaz5rascals · 19/01/2023 13:36

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 13:08

@Bananatushy @Chaz5rascals
She did tell him she needed IVF

She said they spoke on the 2/3 date about having kids. Whether they wanted any. He didn't bring up then that he already has one. That's lying by omission.

Besides which he's already said he deliberately withheld the information from her. He thought he could change her mind. Cause silly op doesn't know her own mind.

He's a manipulative little shit with the flowers too. But hey ho.

You’re responding to my comment with details from the OP’s reply to ME much earlier down the page… 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 13:42

@Chaz5rascals sorry still think it bears repeating. Especially for the hard of fucking thinking on this thread...

Chaz5rascals · 19/01/2023 13:47

@dontleaveitthere I completely agree I posed my question early on to find out more details before agreeing the OP is too nice for that kind of man.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/01/2023 13:59

Merryoldgoat · 19/01/2023 12:52

Either way a lie is a lie and I wouldn't take the relationship any further, but I would spell it out to him that you know you will need IVF as you already told him and that him having a son would make you ineligible and thats why you won't date someone with kids.

read the OP’s posts - she did tell him.

She told him she would need IVF, not that him having a child would have made her ineligible for NHS treatment. Many people (fortunately for them) have no need to know of this rule.

whumpthereitis · 19/01/2023 14:20

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 19/01/2023 13:59

She told him she would need IVF, not that him having a child would have made her ineligible for NHS treatment. Many people (fortunately for them) have no need to know of this rule.

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It’s irrelevant though, isn’t it? He knew she didn’t want to date a man with kids, and that’s all he needed to know. Instead of respecting that he decided to lie to her.

Ellyesse · 19/01/2023 14:25

CharlotteRose90
Sorry to be so late here, i have only just been able to see your situation.

I think you might find it helpful to not get bogged down in lots of issues and complicated points of view. People will of course bring up points from their own experiences but I recommend you stay focused on what is important to you and always was important to you. That is:

Honesty in a Partner
that a Partner does not have children

You made this clear at the start and this man ignored it. He will be a bad Partner in all ways so do not fall for his desperate attempts to woo you back. I was a Counsellor and can tell you, a man who catches you by making a huge lie at the start will be a liar and untrustworthy all through your relationship. Please cut loose now and get on with your life. He lied deliberately and was willing to lie about having a son in the public domain of the dating site. This is a big red flag about his morals. He cannot be trusted. Get away now. Just keep your dignity and go.

You deserve better. Life has dished out one blow regarding your need for IVF, so do not allow yourself any more difficulties. A man like him will certainly bring a lot of problems.

I sincerely hope you can continue to meet good people and will find a sincere and honest man who will love you for yourself and never lie to you. You deserve that. As I'm a Granny, I'll call you my Dear, and say Good Luck my Dear and keep your standards high. Only a good honest man is good enough for you. God Bless you.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 19/01/2023 14:29

Thank you for all the comments. I’ve taken them on board. Just thought I’d say since people are accusing me of not wanting to be a stepmum. I have nothing against stepmums and would quite happily be one in the future with the right person. But I want my own children first and That doesn’t make me a bad person. If obviously I can’t conceive then once I’ve sought therapy to accept it I’d be open to meeting someone with kids.

I also want to apologise if my posts triggered anyone that is a stepparent or single mums . There is nothing against you and if it works for you it works for you. I just have my own boundaries and I want to stick to them.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/01/2023 14:54

CharlotteRose90 · 19/01/2023 14:29

Thank you for all the comments. I’ve taken them on board. Just thought I’d say since people are accusing me of not wanting to be a stepmum. I have nothing against stepmums and would quite happily be one in the future with the right person. But I want my own children first and That doesn’t make me a bad person. If obviously I can’t conceive then once I’ve sought therapy to accept it I’d be open to meeting someone with kids.

I also want to apologise if my posts triggered anyone that is a stepparent or single mums . There is nothing against you and if it works for you it works for you. I just have my own boundaries and I want to stick to them.

You don’t owe anyone any apologies.

Having clear boundaries, being open about them and sticking to them is not something you should ever apologise for.

I wish more people were like you - certainly be better for children if they were. I wish a few of my exes partners over the years had had your strength rather than getting into situations that end up damaging children.

Laurdo · 19/01/2023 14:58

CharlotteRose90 · 19/01/2023 14:29

Thank you for all the comments. I’ve taken them on board. Just thought I’d say since people are accusing me of not wanting to be a stepmum. I have nothing against stepmums and would quite happily be one in the future with the right person. But I want my own children first and That doesn’t make me a bad person. If obviously I can’t conceive then once I’ve sought therapy to accept it I’d be open to meeting someone with kids.

I also want to apologise if my posts triggered anyone that is a stepparent or single mums . There is nothing against you and if it works for you it works for you. I just have my own boundaries and I want to stick to them.

I'm a stepmum and as much as I love it, it can be tough. It's not for everyone! I don't want my own kids so I'm in a completely different situation from you. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to date single dads. I always said I wouldn't, not because of the kids but because of the horror stories of dealing with the crazy mother's I heard from my friends. But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with and of all the crazy exs to have to deal with my DHs is probably the craziest! 🤣

People are allowed to have preferences, boundaries and visions for their life. People probably wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone having a preference for dark haired men over light haired men, but have plenty to say if someone prefers to date someone without kids when that has a much greater impact on your life than the colour of someone's hair.

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. You have the right to decide who to date and who not to and the least you can expect is that people don't lie or lead you on.

Wishing you all the best with dating. There are good men out there. I hope you get your happy ever after and the family that you want.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/01/2023 15:18

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:14

Are you dating him for a baby?

When you want to idly pop your head into a thread to make goady fucker statements, it helps if you have actually read OP's updates. If you don't, you tend to end up looking stupid.
OP isn't dating him for a baby.
She's not even dating him - she's sacked him off for lying.

You made another charming & fuckwittedly wrong remark about gunning for his sperm. If only you'd bothered to RTFT, you wouldn't be looking quite such the twat now.