Page 17 | He has a son ?? 😢

CharlotteRose90 · 2023-01-17T20:49:32+00:00

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week. anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday. im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition. what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

CountessWindyBottom · 18/01/2023 23:18

Oh goodness me no. What a skilful liar he is! To be in contact daily, to have spoken about the desire for children, to have seen each other over Christmas and not one single time has he mentioned a child?! His own child? Does he have a wife as well?

And the flowers sent to your workplace tells you all you need to know.

I don’t care how lovely he seemed, he has completely and utterly strung you along. Block his number and don’t engage with him any further, there is literally no coming back from this.

And I hope you meet someone lovely, honest and kind and that yoI fulfil your wish to have a child 💕

JenniferBooth · 18/01/2023 23:19

@Hmm1234 read the fucking thread

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:47

I read it poor guys seems to have no idea this woman is gunning for his sperm and just thinks he’s causally dating

Iseestupidpeople · 19/01/2023 00:01

you could be the other woman and he’s lied and is on holiday with his family. Or he’s got another girlfriend or 3 who knows. Can’t trust the guy.

JenniferBooth · 19/01/2023 00:09

@Hmm1234 so why did he put on his profile that he didnt have kids and why didnt he tell OP he had one during the conversation about future children

Are you a bloke who has also pulled the same stunt?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2023 00:42

Yeah he’s not the one, OP. He’s lied. He knew you weren’t open to dating anyone with children and lied to manipulate you into starting the relationship. He was counting on you not wanting to throw away invested time and waited to tell you until you had invested time on him.

It’s as cynical as that. Just think of what other ways he might try to manipulate you if you got together in any serious way.

I don’t like it when people lie at all on their profiles, but this is a lot worse than saying you’re 5’10” when you’re actually 5’7”.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 19/01/2023 00:56

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:47

I read it poor guys seems to have no idea this woman is gunning for his sperm and just thinks he’s causally dating

It appears OP has it on her profile she wants a serious relationship and children in the future - like many people do. Why would a man who’s read her profile think he can just take up her time “casually dating” if there’s no prospect of it turning into something serious in the future? And btw they actually had conversations about wanting kids in the future.

It works both ways. If a woman isn’t interested in having babies, don’t date a man who says he’s looking for a wife and wants children unless you’re upfront and tell them from the start you consider this as casual /short term.

Just curious would you call a man who wants kids as “gunning for her eggs?”

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/01/2023 01:10

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:47

I read it poor guys seems to have no idea this woman is gunning for his sperm and just thinks he’s causally dating

What a load of bollocks.

He deliberately hid having a child on his profile, in 24 dates, in a serious conversation about the future and children and from his home.

There was nothing casual about his deception. Even he said that he deliberately hid it from her because he knew she didn't want to date someone with children.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 19/01/2023 01:14

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:47

I read it poor guys seems to have no idea this woman is gunning for his sperm and just thinks he’s causally dating

Aren’t you a lovely ray of sunshine. I haven’t been planning kids with him at all. Yes we spoke about children because that’s what normal people do when you start dating to make sure you are on the same wavelength. It’s been 3 months I’d wait a little longer before trying thank you.

I suggest you sort out your own issues before making up bullshit about mine.

OP posts:

IWishIHadNotDoneIt · 19/01/2023 05:16

I'm a little confused. He lied and told you he didn't have kids or he just didn't tell you he had kids?

I know several people who either had a kid themselves or their partner did but didn't have kids together and they still had IVF on the NHS. It sounds like you are using it as an excuse to end it.

somuchtolearnabout · 19/01/2023 05:33

I’m struggling to understand the point of this thread if you’ve already made up your mind? You ask “AIBU” and any time someone says yes, you lay into them. Don’t start pointless threads.

custardbear · 19/01/2023 06:44

The lying would really kill it for me too. I wonder if he really only has just the one child 🤔 and also what else may spring up!
From the other angle it's bad just casually slipping out of being a dad in a big part of your life, poor kid

Gremlins101 · 19/01/2023 06:45

Do you want a child with someone who took 3 months to mention his child to a new love interest? That stuff should be front centre...

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 07:23

somuchtolearnabout · 19/01/2023 05:33

I’m struggling to understand the point of this thread if you’ve already made up your mind? You ask “AIBU” and any time someone says yes, you lay into them. Don’t start pointless threads.

I agree, you clearly already made up your mind. I think you’re being a little harsh. Having been a single mum I can understand why he did what he did, although it’s not great to lie. But when you have a child you are judged so quickly when you’re dating.
If he’s otherwise a great guy then personally I’d have forgiven him. He wanted you to get to know him before writing him off, he made a misjudgement. It’s very hard to find a decent guy nowadays so I hope you don’t regret it.
But you clearly don’t value him or his child, or your chance to be a step mum to another persons child, in which case they both deserve someone better.

BadNomad · 19/01/2023 07:39

But you clearly don’t value him or his child, or your chance to be a step mum to another persons child, in which case they both deserve someone better.

But she doesn't want to be a stepmother. She wants to be a mother, and this man and his child will be a barrier to that. She is the one who deserves better. She doesn't deserve to be tricked into getting involved with a man with a child when she has been very open about that from the start. She deserves a man who respects her boundaries.

Why would you be more worried about being judged for having a child than being judged for being a sneak and a liar and having no respect for other people's wishes?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/01/2023 07:43

But you clearly don’t value him or his child

Why would she value someone who lied to her? And who, as he said himself, deliberately concealed the fact he had a child to try and con her into dating him despite her clear boundaries and their conversation?

And how the fuck is she supposed to value a child that she didn’t know existed because of their fathers concealment?

The world would be a far better place for children if more people were like the OP and said “I’m not for step parenting” instead of making children the casualties of adults wants.

MotherOfHouseplants · 19/01/2023 07:43

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 07:23

I agree, you clearly already made up your mind. I think you’re being a little harsh. Having been a single mum I can understand why he did what he did, although it’s not great to lie. But when you have a child you are judged so quickly when you’re dating.
If he’s otherwise a great guy then personally I’d have forgiven him. He wanted you to get to know him before writing him off, he made a misjudgement. It’s very hard to find a decent guy nowadays so I hope you don’t regret it.
But you clearly don’t value him or his child, or your chance to be a step mum to another persons child, in which case they both deserve someone better.

Show quote history

Have you actually read OP’s posts where she clearly explains why step-parenting would be so difficult and painful for her?

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 07:45

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 07:23

I agree, you clearly already made up your mind. I think you’re being a little harsh. Having been a single mum I can understand why he did what he did, although it’s not great to lie. But when you have a child you are judged so quickly when you’re dating.
If he’s otherwise a great guy then personally I’d have forgiven him. He wanted you to get to know him before writing him off, he made a misjudgement. It’s very hard to find a decent guy nowadays so I hope you don’t regret it.
But you clearly don’t value him or his child, or your chance to be a step mum to another persons child, in which case they both deserve someone better.

Show quote history

She doesn’t want to be a stepmum and that's ok.

If he was honest from the get go maybe he would have had a chance if he was really so amazing. But OP knows what she wants.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/01/2023 07:46

MotherOfHouseplants · 19/01/2023 07:43

Have you actually read OP’s posts where she clearly explains why step-parenting would be so difficult and painful for her?

Show quote history

I get the feeling a lot can't read beyond "I don't want to date him because he's a parent" so leap on to defend the man and completely ignore the op and her wants and needs.

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 07:47

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/01/2023 07:46

I get the feeling a lot can't read beyond "I don't want to date him because he's a parent" so leap on to defend the man and completely ignore the op and her wants and needs.

Show quote history

I think some people are projecting their own dating struggles as a single parent too.

VioletaDelValle · 19/01/2023 07:48

I agree, you clearly already made up your mind. I think you’re being a little harsh. Having been a single mum I can understand why he did what he did, although it’s not great to lie. But when you have a child you are judged so quickly when you’re dating.

Why is she being harsh? She clearly set out her boundaries and stick to them. He decided her option didn't matter so was dishonest.
They had discussions about children which gave him ample opportunity to tell the truth but he decided her very clear boundaries were t important to him.
If he was prepared to lie about having a child do easily what else would he lie about?

If he’s otherwise a great guy then personally I’d have forgiven him. He wanted you to get to know him before writing him off, he made a misjudgement. It’s very hard to find a decent guy nowadays so I hope you don’t regret it.
But you clearly don’t value him or his child, or your chance to be a step mum to another persons child, in which case they both deserve someone better.

SHE deserves better than someone who is willing to lie to her from day one. His child deserves better than a dad who finds it so easy to deny his existence and seems so keen to get into a relationship with someone who has made it clear they didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has children. He is a selfish, dishonest man.

Why should she value his his child or the opportunity to be a step mum when she's made it clear that's not what she wants.
That doesn't make her a bad person.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2023 07:50

But you clearly don’t value him or his child

It’s not her job to value you a child she wasn’t even told about. It’s his. He literally pretended the child didn’t exist. What a weird thing to say. And nothing to do with the OP…

VioletaDelValle · 19/01/2023 07:51

I get the feeling a lot can't read beyond "I don't want to date him because he's a parent" so leap on to defend the man and completely ignore the op and her wants and needs.

Absolutely. I applaud the OP for having clear boundaries and sticking to them.

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 07:56

MotherOfHouseplants · 19/01/2023 07:43

Have you actually read OP’s posts where she clearly explains why step-parenting would be so difficult and painful for her?

Show quote history

Yes. She doesn’t want to be a stepmum, that’s her decision. Personally I’d look at it from a positive angle instead of viewing being a step mum negatively. However, being the child of a man who’s partner has the same view point as the OP, the man and his child deserve a woman who can love both of them and not see the child as an inconvenience. So in that respect, she’s made the right decision to end any relationship.

Pinklemons9 · 19/01/2023 07:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2023 07:50

But you clearly don’t value him or his child

It’s not her job to value you a child she wasn’t even told about. It’s his. He literally pretended the child didn’t exist. What a weird thing to say. And nothing to do with the OP…

Exactly, that’s why she’s made the right choice. Not just for her, but for them too.