To ask if parenting really was easier in the past?

[germanbight]

My beloved grandma, who lived on a small farm and really ran it alone, always used to tut at toddlers/small children who were being naughty out and about and always told me that when she had her children it was all much simpler— especially in the baby phase.

Apparently routine kept all 4 children perfect from baby-hood. Baby fed every three hours until it slept through, all children off for an afternoon nap after dinner and bedtime a prompt 7:30 until they were 10. She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

I just don’t see how it could’ve run on clockwork like that. Was it really that much easier? Just a case of endless CIO?

Why are you trying to make out she isnt a warm and wonderful Mom and that her children wont remember that time fondly?

What compelled you to say such wicked things? Your own Mom guilt? A bad upbringing by your own parents?

If you were confident and secure in your own parenting style, you definitely wouldn't be attempting to tear apart another person's way of parenting.

Trying being a bit kinder, it won't kill you

My kids are only 3 &6, we run on a routine like this (except i fed on demand the first 3 or 4 months i think) and it has always seemed simpler to me. I think most (not all) children thrive on predictable routines and are happier and more settled when they know whats coming.

My kids never whine for tv all day. They know full well its only ever gone on for 20 mins after tea because thats how it's always been.

They are good at bedtime because they know the drill. I didn't do extinction cry it out, no, but i did sleep train gradually so by about 9/10 months both were just put down awake. The youngest was a worse sleeper than the eldest but we mostly avoided letting bad habits creep in.

They are happy, confident kids who sleep well and get along really well. I think im perceived as quite strict/inflexible by other mums but it's what works for us.

Having children in the 80's I think it was easier then. The does and don'ts of parenting seem much more prescriptive now.

I'm not saying it was better for the babies, but it was easier for the parents.

When I was a child (in the 50s and 60s) I was left to my own devices most of the time because both my parents worked full-time. I had no living grandparents or relatives who lived nearby but did have friends with who I spent much of my spare time when I wasn't at school or at the library.

I walked to and from school on my own from the age of six and was a latchkey kid. I didn't know any other children who had accidents (and died). Although living in town, there were far fewer cars around. We walked or took the bus when we went out anywhere until my father could afford to buy a car. We didn't have a washing machine but my mother did have a mangle to wring water out of the clothes before hanging them to dry!

Dad was of the generation that thought children should be seen and not heard. But he was a very gentle and kind man himself. My mother sometimes gave me a slap but most kids got one at some time or another. Not saying that was right but it's how it was.

When my own children were young in the 1980s I also worked full time but had help with looking after them and stayed home myself after a few years. My ex-husband was strict. It was still the norm then for children to fit in with their parents and not the other way around as it seems to be nowadays, although it was starting to change; family life began to be more child-centric at the end of the last century and is even more so now as I see with my grandchildren. I do not offer advice on their upbringing! That's the domain of DD and her husband.

I think things are more difficult for parents in the 21st century, mainly because there is so much confusing information out there and everyone has an opinion. The internet causes as much damage as it does good, I think. I'm glad my childbearing years are long past!

I was a child in the 80’s. I remember all my for Ed started walking to school by themselves or with brothers and sisters aged 7 or 8.

I very rarely remember being take to the park to play. Once I was 10 I was allowed to take my 7 year old brother with me.

There was occasionally trips to the seaside or the countryside. I was never take to the theatre, or a museum. That’s what school was for. I begged my mum to let me go to Brownies and she finally signed me up after 2 years of nagging.

Evenings were just watching tv. Weekend we’re going to the supermarket with parents, or being take to where they wanted to go. If my dad wanted to got to the pub as a family for the afternoon we would be expected to sit in the lounge and chat quietly whilst bored out of skulls for hours whilst the adults chatted and drank. If we were lucky it would be a pub with a beer garden where at least we could run around.

I would accept that parenting in the 60s/70s whatever we're talking about here was more slack and damaging IF we didn't have the current wave of terrible mental health in young people born from the 90s onwards. Why is this? Why are young adults and children more depressed than ever before?

The balance (imo) has now tipped the other way with pressure on parents to do everything right, meet every need immediately. So I think parenting has got harder bc of the social norms.

I dunno I'd go one further, i think a lot of parents try to meet their child's every want as well as need. Its both impossible and unreasonable as children's wants regularly conflict with their needs "I want to never go to bed! I want to live on rice cakes! I want to never brush my teeth!".

A lot of people i know seem to spend so much time pleading and cajoling and coaxing their kids to comply. I am a bit impatient. You are the parent, act like it!.

My gran (passed away last year -early 90s) sadly told me she wished she cuddled her babies more often. One of her biggest life regrets - not cuddling her babies when they were tiny.

Back in her days they had a strict routine of putting the babies out in the pram for fresh air at the bottom of the garden whilst she got on with the housework. Her lads weren't allowed to many cuddles otherwise it'd make them "soft" according to her HV. When they could toddle they went out to play with the kids on the street - looked after by the neighbours eldest daughter. She told me that the same neighbours daughter took her then four week old into school with her - so the class could use the baby (my uncle) for home economics - learn how to bathe, dress, make a bottle - the neighbours daughter dropped him back off in his pram after school. My.gran thought it was great as she caught up on washing all the bedding. I cant imagine that now.

She absolutely loved holding and cuddling her great grandbabies. I'm very grateful to be parenting now however I am sad that my kids won't experience the same freedoms I and my parents and grandparents experienced in their childhood.

I had my first in 1971, no washing machine, no tumble dryer, no fridge, no central heating, no freezer, no car, no disposables, no money. I didn't find it very easy.

My mum was a SAHM but both me and my brother went to nursery school every morning. I remember my nan picking me up and giving me a jam doughnut. My husband all went to nursery for afternoons and his mum was a SAHM. It was free which is why we were sent! It was acceptable as it gave wives more time to do housework and at it gave kids the chance to let of some steam!

This. I was the youngest of 2, I was my sisters responsibility when I was born, she was 6. When she was 9 and I was 3 we were left from morning til late at night. Both my parents worked all day. My dad did a day shift, my mum did split shifts at a pub and my dad used to leave us to go drinking there every evening. We were alone almost all of the time. I’d catch the public bus to nursery on my own from age 4. The discipline was completely normal for the rural village we were brought up in, I think we had it good compared to some other families. But it included violence for every misdemeanour. We never answered back. We weren’t allowed to laugh in the house. We weren’t allowed to accidentally wake a sleeping parent up. If we didn’t finish our dinner we got sent to the garden and the plates thrown at our heads. Ss seemed to be non existent back then. My mum lost her temper at my sister and threw her across the room resulting in a broken arm. My brother had a fractured eye socket from my mum shoving him over when he was in the bath. I had perforated ear drums from being slapped around the head. They didn’t hide what had happened, just no one gave a shite. And I’m only in my 30’s so it’s not like this was 60 years ago.

Exactly- why on earth would it have been more convenient without modern technology?!

I had 3 close together and genuinely found baby and toddlerhood easy. I did have a good routine which was rather militant but I also took 10 years off work. I suspect the latter making it a whole lot easier.

I think it was easier in the sense that societal expectations of parents were much lower. As a pp has said, in the (even not so distant) past kids slotted into parents lives but nowadays kids are front and centre of every single thing and parents lives are expected to revolve around kids to their own detriment.
I'm not saying the way I was reared in the 80's was perfect (it wasn't) but I think the pendulum has now swung too far the other way resulting in a lot of stressed, exhausted parents who constantly feel like they're failing & also a lot of stressed, exhausted kids who have no tolerance of boredom & who are often way too over stimulated.

Yes, it was easier for sure, there was no internet! Thanks to the internet, kids know too much and want too much. (Especially the toys they see on YouTube!)

And this one thing for sure: we were not getting so much homework. I feel like I am actually attending the school all over again, so involved in DD’s homework! It’s taking away most of my evenings and I’m already working full time, cleaning, cooking etc

In my days, we learnt everything at school but these days they seem to play at school and leave the actual schooling to parents 🙈

I remember my 1st Mum in law telling me that routine was the key to keep in mind - while expecting my first child in the early 1980s. She was a Mum to 9 children & said all things could be managed by staying organised. Apparently her 4 older kids would each have a younger sibling to be in charge of, leaving her with the baby for their (infrequent) car rides, trips out visiting etc.
Each of their children too had specific chores around the house & yard so helping with milking the cows, dishes, laundry etc based on the age & sex of each. She had worked part time as a cleaner from when the youngest was a toddler.
When my eldest was tiny in 1982 even the HV stressed the importance of 4 hourly feeding routines & CIO's - I was super stressed though with it all & prob had PND but can remember him screaming his wee lungs out while I bottled fruit for preserving & my Mum & MIL both telling me to leave him or he'd be spoiled.
As a child though in the early 1960s we were often outdoors & away from the house all day, I can remember friends werent allowed in their bedrooms at all except for sleeping & if my Mum was tired/grumpy we would be made to take a nap so she could rest (aged then maybe 10 or 12 - seriously uncool).
I think routines & what the neighbours thought of your house/well behaved children mattered more than playing games with them, spending time with your kids in the era I grew up in - a real shame in hindsight but as others have mentioned societal pressure was intense even without social media platforms.

There was not the pressures that there are now like wanting the latest phones and designer gear. It wasn't around.
Children were generally better behaved and more respectful.

I was a child in 60s/ 70s. My dm had a big lrish family. She said herself it was easier because she didn't go out to work like all her dds. There was no rushing around in the morning stressing to be in time for work. No coming home exhausted trying to get dinner/ clubs etc.
She was super organised having learned in school how to be a good housewife!! She kept a very steady routine which l feel looking back was the most security building aspect of my childhood. We lived in the countryside so no being let off to do our own thing. My dm had a big bunch of siblings. She was a young dm and had a lot of social interaction with them which would have been supportive. My dad was pretty involved and hands on and we spent a lot of time with him outdoors. My dm had the capacity to run a tight ship around bed times/ chores etc without seeming to be stressed around it or cross.

I wouldn't have wanted her life but she said she wouldn't have wanted our lives. I expected my life to be easier with holidays/ catch up with friends/ gym etc. She expected none of that .
She was prepared to work far harder than me. Always busy always productive.

Maybe parents just learnt the word no, I don't think children were more respectful or better behaved, parents just didn't put up with it

I have no idea, I know I don't want to go back to those days. My washing machine brokedown today and I've got a new one coming tomorrow morning. Hand washing, trying to get stuff dry, a long walk to a laundrette for sheets if I could afford it. A bucket full of dirty nappies to do every night. Hell no, it wasn't easy and if kids didn't get as much attention it was because cooking, cleaning, washing etc was so time consuming.

Mil's answer to my dh getting scared in the night and trying to get into her room was to lock the door and wait for him to toddle back to bed alone. Nice.

Lots of us were depressed or anxious children in the 80s and 90s too but it wasn't acknowledged, adults didn't tend to notice, and they weren't really involved enough to be aware of our day to day feelings. Nowadays most parents can tell you their child's favourite food, favourite colour, favourite subject at school, can name at least a few of their friends, etc. Back then they were just vaguely aware of some children existing somewhere within the house. A lot of teens turned it inwards with self-harm and risky behaviours like underage sex/sleeping around, drinking, drugs, and so on.

I think your grandmother had a point about strict routine and expecting the children to adapt rather than the other way around.

I have one set of friends who set a strict schedule of mealtime/bedtime etc. and stuck to it no matter what. Even when they would have like to stay out at the pub or have a lazy weekend, they kept at it. So the boys were always good sleepers, well rested, accustomed to living by family rules, didn't whine for food outside the schedule or toss meals on the floor, etc. I didn't notice any ill effects; they were expressive, curious and fun to be around as tots and school kids.

Their boys grew up to be cheerful, happy and successful.

Wow, that's almost inhuman.

Possibly, but only because people were more callous. They had lots of kids and, when they weren’t at school, kicked them out the house and told them not to come home until dinner. OK, bit of a stereotype, but not far off the mark. Children frequently died in accidents. It was really common. Brian Blessed, in his (brilliant) autobiography about growing up in 1930s Yorkshire, recalls several little friends who were killed. One drowned in a village pond, another was hit by a car. My grandfather (who grew up in Norfolk in the 1930s) used to talk about this as well - how brutal people were to children, and how common it was for children to be killed. He could remember several little friends who died - one fell out of a tree and broke his neck, another drowned, etc. I don’t mean that people were indifferent, or that they didn’t love their children, but they were less sentimental and less patient. Maybe parenting is harder today because we invest so much in our kids.