To ask if parenting really was easier in the past?

[germanbight]

My beloved grandma, who lived on a small farm and really ran it alone, always used to tut at toddlers/small children who were being naughty out and about and always told me that when she had her children it was all much simpler— especially in the baby phase.

Apparently routine kept all 4 children perfect from baby-hood. Baby fed every three hours until it slept through, all children off for an afternoon nap after dinner and bedtime a prompt 7:30 until they were 10. She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

I just don’t see how it could’ve run on clockwork like that. Was it really that much easier? Just a case of endless CIO?

Mum's being home all the time is a bit of a fallacy. Stay at home parents are a relatively new thing and while some women will have been housewives or kept women, the majority of working class women will have worked even with children. Loads of us when I was growing up were latchkey kids and if you were the oldest sibling then you were in charge of the younger ones too.

My dad had a nice office job and was out 8am to around 6pm. Mum worked in a corner shop and was put from 5pm to 10pm. She would give us kids our tea and then leave for work, I was in charge of my younger siblings from when she left until my dad got home. When he got in I had to heat his tea up and then wash up afterwards. I put my youngest sibling to bed then us older two put ourselves to bed. Dad would go out at 930 to pick mum up for 10pm, leaving us all at home in bed. I was 11 when this arrangement began, my siblings were 9 and 3. If she was covering holidays or sick she could be at work 12pm to 10pm so I'd be in charge of them then too.

My similarly aged cousin was lucky, her parent did split shifts in the same factory so her dad was on constant days and her mum was on constant nights, she slept in the day when the DC were at school. It meant she didn't have to look after her younger siblings so I was very jealous!

Similar arrangements were in place with most of my friends and their families.

My aunt was expected to take care of her sisters from around age five they were pushing prams around the streets to get her to sleep

My nan used to leave my mum's pram at the bottom of the garden at nap time. If she woke up and cried, tough. That's abusive by modern standards (this was the 50s). The balance (imo) has now tipped the other way with pressure on parents to do everything right, meet every need immediately. So I think parenting has got harder bc of the social norms.

Having said that, life overall is easier now. My grandparents all had tough lives on the edge of poverty.

I agree with this. My mum is honest would say I was better behaved than my kids and that it was easy. But what she won't say is that I was scared shitless of having a voice, had little support with school or life in general and fended for myself most of the time. My kids are allowed off days and I put more time into actually parenting them.

It was for my parents - we were looked after constantly. They got to do what they wanted whenever they wanted.

When they did have us we were smacked about and sent to our rooms, called ungrateful if we dared to complain about anything.

Wow, that's crazy. Was also born in the early 80s and I don't know of any child who died!

But yes, it was very much the child centering around the parents' lives, rather than the other way around. Our weekends used to mainly consist of accompanying our parents to town on Saturdays to "pay the bills" and other associated errands and then when supermarkets opened on Sundays, accompanying them that day to do the weekly shop.

Occasionally would get transported to a birthday party or a visit to a National Trust place (but this was mainly for parents' benefit, most of the time would be spent traipsing around the house).

Whereas, out weekends now are very much centred around what's enjoyable for the children, though we do try and choose places that we also get some enjoyment out of, playgrounds in places with nice walks, the beach etc. However bills and shopping are obviously all done online!

@Iam4eels is right.

Posters referring to having a mum at home are referring to a very specific post war - 1980s period, and it really wasn’t representative of history as a whole or a particularly golden era in respect of bringing up children (hence the radical feminist movement in the latter part of the twentieth century.)

I came across my grandmother's baby book from the 1920s. One notable piece of advice was 'Put your baby to bed at 10pm and have nothing further to do with them until 7am'. Also the weaning menus were fascinating - steak at 7 months for example!

And also, parenting was basically on the whole authoritative and fear-based which got children to comply 🤷‍♀️

It’s hard to gauge. On one hand, women (and it’s always about women isn’t it?),had less pressure about being a ‘good’ mother etc and doing lots of fancy entertainment. I walked to school alone at 5 years old in 1980ish. My mum’s comment is ‘oh I’m sure I walked you the first day darling’. Played out a lot etc. My brother was barely ever at home. On the other hand, there were fewer ‘mod cons’ so cleaning, cooking etc was likely a bit tougher and more time consuming. Someone upthread talked about neglect etc but, whilst some kids no doubt suffered, I was very well loved and received lots of attention despite the lower standard of child ‘care’. I mainly look back to my childhood as being better than my own kids because we were freer and it seemed more fun (out playing in whatever space we had). All the confined soft play and painting cafes in the world wouldn’t make up for that.

Yup! My mum was a SAHM for the vast majority of my childhood (80s/90s) and she had a set day for certain chores/parts of the house.... Ie Mondays, clean kitchen and bathroom, Tuesdays, washing and tidy up downstairs, Wednesdays, ironing and tidy up upstairs... 🤦‍♀️

😂

RE: child deaths.

Mortality rate for children age 1yr-15yrs now is around 789 a year (infant mortality is recorded separately). In 1981 it averaged over 3000 a year.

I had my children in the 70s so can relate a lot to what has been described on here.Childcare methods seem to change with each generation as I have seen by the way my grandchildren and great grandchildren have been brought up.
My early childhood was in the 40s and I was at school although the 50s
My parents generation believed in controlling disobedient children by smacking as myself and my siblings can well testify. We were hit by a leather strap by school teachers If we misbehaved,I can even remember a headteacher bringing the strap into religious assembly one morning and threatening to use it on anyone who did not behave.
My parents and grandparents had it even worse as children, my grandmother's idea of toilet training a baby was by strapping him or her into ''potty chair'' after each meal until they got a results a baby was still in nappies at 18 months it was a disgrace on the mother's part.

You sound wonderful and warm, I'm sure your children remember that time with you fondly.

Imagine wanting to hold, bond with and nurture the child you made 😱 what lunatics we mums are nowadays

Worth remembering too that until 1991 marital rape was illegal so some of the mothers we're will have had no control over the choice of whether or not to get pregnant (not anyone's mother specifically, just women in general).

That should say "was legal" not illegal

I think things were just different but I do think we needlessly make things harder now worrying over small details that don’t really matter, or prioritising child centred activities so that kids can’t cope without being entertained. A lot of weekends playing at home and the odd day trip or attraction is absolutely fine!

God no, I'd a million times rather bring up a child now than back in the day.

Epidurals hadn't really got to rural Hertfordshire, to start with. My mum had no washing machine, no telly (they did have a radio) and nappies were all rinsed soaked boiled and handwashed (she was quite well off in fact so at least bedding went to the laundry). No central heating until we were a lot older. She grew large amounts of our food and obviously cooked most of it from scratch, making the leftovers last (her particular pet hate was cleaning the mincing machine). Any cakes, biscuits or pastry we had were handmade. I think people forget the amount of time prepping actual garden produce takes- digging it out, scraping off mud, cutting out the weevils and rotten bits, picking over, deseeding. We kept hens which is quite a job but meant we had eggs. Children's clothes weren't widely available in any variety and were very expensive, so she sewed and knitted most of our clothes, with an endless mending pile of darning and patching and restitching to do. She liked gardening but it was fairly relentless.

It's all very idyllic sounding, and undoubtedly a healthier and more environmentally sustainable life, but bloody hell it was hard work.

Depending how old yoir gran is, it wouldn't be that easy. No automatic washing machines, dishwashers, labour saving gadgets etc. On the other hand it would be "children should be seen and not heard "
They knew their place. Nobody needed a bath/shower every night. Wash day on a Monday come rain or shine. There was no expectation to entertain the kids constantly, spending money on expensive trips out every weekend.
I'm 62 and we had a camping holiday every year and that was it apart from a few trips to the cinema
and an annual visit to the local funfair. New toys/gifts at Xmas and birthday only.

It probably was in the sense that children then had a parent, usually a Mom, at home full time and because household chores needed doing, the child sometimes had to be bored or wait for something while things were done.

There were also more communities, if you like, where other people at home, looked out for others children and also kept them in line where and when needed.

Now, we have all this technology to make our lives easier yet more and more people are struggling with basic parenting that doesnt have an app to solve it, we shut off from our neighbours, we effectively isolate ourselves and keep families at a distance and think asking for help means you've failed.

You only have to read some posts on here where people hate their neighbours for using their back gardens and refuse to answer the door after dark or refuse to talk to their neighbours to solve small disputes

I do think there are good and bad from each generation, but everyone and everything these days needs a label and nothing gets done without deep over thinking of every aspect of parenting

But people can actually parent they way they want, if you want to parent by social media, what the neighbours think, what is said on MN or other places like parenting books what you read in the media or your friends say then that is your choice, I do get annoyed with the contast 'I am so being judged'

Sure there was some issues people have mentioned on here that happened in the past but I like the fact they just got on with it and didn't have endless angst

I grew up with caring parents who also let us get on with it, they helped us and were there for us when we needed then but they did not hover over us all day everyday and I have done with my own child

They didn't seem to worry about their children as much....when I think about what we got up to, playing in rivers, on train tracks (once!), cycling for miles...I would be terrified if mine where doing the same.

We are the other extreme now though.

Well if what MIL says counts you just ignored your kids until they stopped bothering you / crying and then it was easy. She even told me about when the midwife told her off for feeding her newborn thickened milk and ignoring them all night and she said "and I told her I need that bloody sleep" i was just like "yeah you're not allowed to do that anymore" her babies slept through almost immediately because what choice did they have.

Her kids spent all day outside because they weren't allowed in.

I don't think parenting (for the most part- my mum tells a very different story of her dad but he was retired.) was even actually parenting back then. There was no concern for the welfare, happiness, future of the children, just the parents convenience.

Obviously not everyone but from what people I know in their 50s tell of their parents and people in their 80s tell of their own parenting

Whatever era women bore the brunt and were always judged on parenting so no nothing has changed!

My mantra do your best and fuck off judgy world 😂😂