To ask if parenting really was easier in the past?

[germanbight]

My beloved grandma, who lived on a small farm and really ran it alone, always used to tut at toddlers/small children who were being naughty out and about and always told me that when she had her children it was all much simpler— especially in the baby phase.

Apparently routine kept all 4 children perfect from baby-hood. Baby fed every three hours until it slept through, all children off for an afternoon nap after dinner and bedtime a prompt 7:30 until they were 10. She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

I just don’t see how it could’ve run on clockwork like that. Was it really that much easier? Just a case of endless CIO?

Actually, when I think about it, a person who was born in 1900 lived through during WW1, then lived through the influenza pandemic, then the Depression, was 45 when WW2 ended, had every reason to be anxious, depressed, suffer ptsd etc.

I was born around 1960, and remember that a mentally unwell person was seen as being weak - having some sort of character failing, a coward who just needed to ‘pull up their socks, get their heads on straight, and get on with it’ So a lot of people would have just suffered quietly.

Absolutely agree. So many people just suffered with no help or support. A lot of the generation brought up in the 50s and 60s even still have this attitude sadly. Not all obviously but a lot, they do not want to hear about mental health and won't discuss things they did that caused huge damage. Things are still not good, but we're at least moving in the right direction towards actually caring for how people feel and realising that physical needs are not all that matters. And that's true with children more than anybody else as they cannot get help for themselves.

It is their parents' job to give them an environment to grow up in that fosters good mental health, and to help them and get them the support they need when they are struggling. This simply did not happen in many cases even when I was a child in the 80s and 90s. As an ealier poster admitted, some parents saw simply clothing and feeding their children as sufficient parenting. It isn't.

The childhood friends I had in the 80s who died tragically when even basic parenting (i.e. an adult being present with small children) wouod have prevented it were a 4 year old drowning in a pond, a 6 year old falling out of a tree that was not suitable for climbing at all and smashing his head on concrete and an unsupervised 7 year old being hit by a car.

I think we can safely ignore any parenting advice from anybody who thinks such times were "better". Might have been easier for the parents, but certainly not better for children.

II think we can safely ignore any parenting advice from anybody who thinks such times were "better". Might have been easier for the parents, but certainly not better for children.

@PuzzleMonster i take your points, but I think it’s also v. subjective depending on our personal experiences. Both my DH and I were born in the ‘70’s and we were lucky to have loving parents so less oversight didn’t really hurt us, plus we’re both NT. I agree that the stigma attached to MH was an issue in the 1980’s and 90’s. I didn’t receive any counseling when my family experienced some very difficult times and it would’ve made a huge difference if I’d had some support as I started suffering from anxiety. Nowadays we accept that trauma affects children and we’re encouraged to ask for help.

Absolutely agree. So many people just suffered with no help or support. A lot of the generation brought up in the 50s and 60s even still have this attitude sadly. Not all obviously but a lot, they do not want to hear about mental health and won't discuss things they did that caused huge damage.

asylums we’re places that people were scared of, and that is where you would end up with no escape if you were mentally ill. It’s no surprise people kept quiet and didn’t seek support in the 1950s/1950s

Yes. So be healthy, neurotypical and lucky and then that childhood is great. So much freedom! If you get ill or have mental health issues or happen to be neurodiverse or have abusive parents then sorry, bad luck, no help for you. And even if you happen to have loving parents but are one of the unlicky ones who dies in an horrific way that was totally avoidable then I guess you're just collateral damage, too.

It may have been ok for some, but there are very good reasons that parenting has changed.

Indeed. Although you'd hope those people might have learned from that and welcome a soceity which is moving towards treating vulnerable people more humanely, rather than defending how things used to be.

I agree. I was born early eighties and I don't know any mums that didn't work. I don't think it's ever been normal to have widespread stay at home mums in the way people assume. Most women work. My grandma worked full time too and she was parenting in the 1940s/50s.

I grew up in the 70s and so relate to hearing 'only boring people get bored'. I remember having books, but not my mother reading to me. I remember having craft kits but not my mother doing them with me. I had toys but it was up to me to play with them. Dressing up clothes were my mum's old clothes and a mad great Aunty who send play clothes for the kids. I never felt neglected, it was up to me to find something to do.

But looking back she was busy - cooking from scratch. Top loader washing machine with sopping wet clothes at the end of it. WASHING NAPPIES. Lots of hand washing - tons of ironing. Who irons nowaday? Children started school later back them. I was five, no nursery. Children being dragged around the shops being told to hold onto the pram.

I had my children later and loved all the baby groups, children's activities, I never saw children's parties as a chore. There is so much paraphernalia around babies and young children - remember the wet wipes warmer from a few years ago? I did all the reading with my kids, crafts, there own size dress up clothes. So many activities - definitely so much around entertaining kids as opposed to just letting them run free outside. Looking back I think it was okay for me to be bored and be told to go and find something to do because I did find something. But I think it's easier now

Same - also early 80s. I think mums tended to stay at home while they had children under school age but then work once children were at school. I grew up in a small rural town so people's mums didn't have big careers etc. but friends' mums worked as teachers/TAs/lunchtime supervisors, in the school office, in retail, in local offices etc.

I think life has evolved sand we as parents have evolved with it. Similarly to your Gran though, I've always had a strict regime with nap times and bed time etc. and worked around this.

A few posters have said they feel pressure to parent a certain way. I don't feel that pressure but do what comes naturally and I make an effort to try to meet the needs of my children that weren't met for me as a child. E.g. 1 of 4 kids so got very little attention and 1:1 time. Was given too much responsibility too young and spoken to as though I was an adult.

I just believe in knowing better and doing better. I would prefer more family support but we moved away from our families 6 years ago for career.

I've decided to have no more kids as it's too hard but I wonder how I would cope years ago. Would it be easier as I could send the kids out all day or worse as I'd be quite housebound doing cleaning etc ?

How much free time would you have if you had no school runs, no helping with homework/reading, not having to spend time with your child playing,talking etc, no clubs , no school involvement and so on?

If basically all you had to do for them was feed them and keep them clean and they were out of your way most of the day.

Sounds ideal to me.

My children are in their 30s, so I did my childbearing in the past.
The big difference I notice is that parents don't seem to allow themselves downtime.
I belonged in a babysitting group, which was common, so you could easily go out together without children, knowing that they were being cared for by another mum.
Unless we were on holiday, we didn't eat out with our children.
I think it's a shame that parents haven't got that safety valve anymore.

For those who felt it was easier, once you have more than one DC how much help did you have/expect from your elder DC?

I was expected to mind younger siblings, heat up my dad's tea when my mam was working (and do those dishes), put youngest sibling to bed while dad ate, and generally do various bits of housework when she was at work. From the age of 11 I became the family babysitterbecause I was considered sensible and would look after my siblings and younger cousins while the adults were out. At that point my aunt had five children ranging from six months old to seven years old and I was regularly looking after them from 6pm to after midnight every weekend. My cousins of similar age to me were also family babysitters.

My parents and aunts all think parenting was easier but they seem to forget they were all reliant on their first-born daughters to grease the wheels and keep it all running.

I think parents back in the day just ignored their kids crying. My granny me tions this as a "just had to get the work done" type thing.
Kids had to fit into adult lives and I think it's the opposite now.
My mum said she and dad were 26 when they had my brother and then 27 when they had me so they were still young and wanted to go out. I know we were left to cry it out.
We were left in the car for an age whilst they went to the bank and god knows what else.
She thinks because me and DH were older we had all our partying days out of our system which is probably true.
But also I don't want to leave my kids to cry...
They were much harsher on me and my brother than what I am with my children.

I think social media has made us aware you just can't trust folk now though. Horror stories

I think social media has made us aware you just can't trust folk now though. Horror stories
One of the problems with Social Media and life today.
Because I think you can trust people. The women on the group were all mums that you knew, and you knew their children. Because, as a SAHM , you had time to get to know them.
Yes, being a SAHM was often boring, but you did build up a support network (my family didn't live nearby).

I don’t think it is just social media.

As a society, we are naturally more cautious now. I realise some will see that as something both sad and perhaps a self fulfilling prophecy in a way, but I’ve never felt that being honest about the fact that some people just aren’t trustworthy is sad.

It isn’t sad when I have a DBS for work, for instance, it’s sensible. When I was little, child abuse - in all its forms - was rarely spoken about, sexual abuse of children was largely seen as either a joke or as something children were themselves expected to take responsibility for, in a strange sort of way (‘stay away from funny men’)

Recognising that not everyone has kind intentions and that even if they won’t abuse your child they may not look after them well is not the result of (just) social media but a result of a huge cultural and societal shift in how we perceive both children and childhood.

I don't go out every single day and I don't feel any pressure to do so. In fact particularly so since covid. I used to be out and about much more. Coffee/playgroups a couple of times a week. A playdate about once a week. Shopping or appointments. We'd have a day or two at home. Now we tend to have 4 days a week at home. But DS3 is starting nursery so he'll be more occupied soon. He seems to find things to do :) I don't entertain my kids constantly however DS1 still developed ADHD and stopped being able to self entertain once he grew out of that endless curiosity toddler phase. (I don't think his ADHD was caused BTW, it's genetic).

I can't drive my kids to loads of different activities as I can't drive. So they don't go because it takes too long to get anywhere on public transport it wouldn't work. It's a privileged position for children to go to lots of clubs (not to mention the cost of the clubs!!)

What does everyone mean by ‘leaving them to cry’? I would put DD in the bouncer to have a bath/shower, if she started crying I would leave her for a few minutes until I was finished rather than jumping out covered in soap and dripping water and rushing over to her. Equally if I was halfway through dishing up dinner she would have to wait a few minutes. She could see I was there, I just wasn’t able to rush over to her at that precise second.

Ignoring them.

I was born 1969. My mum studied and worked when I was small. We were told to get on with it, yes, but she was an interested and compassionate woman and did her best to raise us well. But I think it's imossible for people now to imagine the sheer hard graft of raising a family then: washng nappies by hand, shopping in ten different stores for different items rather than one big supermarket, a crappy top loading 'washing machine' with some rubbishy spinner to (not really) dry them, no central heating, no round the clock kids telly, no cheap shops for craft materials and quick distractions, no convenience foods (bar spam and sardines) ....we even had a tin trough for a bath which dad kind of plumbed into a back boiler somehow. .. She ran all this well and on a very very tight budget with an occasionally violent husband. We occasionally took in a lodger to help with the bills and she would cook and clean for them too. Not sure she would have compared our experiences and found hers easier. I don't remember much warmth in my childhood but in all honesty, with all that going on, what did she have left to give at the end of the day?

@Wilkolampshade it's stories like this that make me think of all the eco whinging threads where people talk about how past generations didn't have things like cars, disposable nappies and dryers. Parents aren't going to be up for more time consuming things because of the pull on their energy and resources to parent at a level expected of us.

…like my example?