To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

I am of the opinion that there are some men who make it a habit to work late regularly, even if it is not necessary, because it is easier than coming home and helping with what is often the most difficult part of the day.
Not saying all men.

It’s quite hard to ‘train’ an autistic child to eat something they don’t like. My autistic child can’t physically tolerate the texture of many foods.

I like to get dinner cooked and cleaned up too - too tired by this time generally. I eat with the kids - kid friendly version for kids more adult version of the same thing for myself and my husband. Put his on a plate and he can have it / reheat it whenever he gets in.

This. I had two very fussy kids but I persevered and they now eat everything I do and they are happy eating most foods when we go abroad.

That's a bit of a generalisation. My autistic child now eats most things but it took a fair while to get there.

Can you not make something you like and then leave his in the slow cooker. You eat with the kids or whenever suits you? If he doesn’t like it then tough make his own? I think the lack of warning though would piss me off no end. Some days it’s waiting for them to come home so you can tap out or sound off.

No he's not awful. Sounds like he works long days and you are just in the house all day, doing normal housework and normal admin. The least you can do is have a frozen meal that you can throw into the microwave for when he gets home.

Which is exactly what I said… that it ‘can be‘ (not is) quite hard’ (not impossible) to train them. My exact words. And it sounds like it was ‘quite hard’ for you, but you got there in the end. So where is the generalisation?

Can you or he meal prep at the weekend? I understand he might not want plain kid’s food, but he probably doesn’t want a salt laden ready meal either.

if I was getting home at 8pm, my husband would have something ready for me.

Sorry I just reread and I didn’t say ‘can be’, but even so I said quite hard, not impossible.
Apologies for my mistake, trying to get my severely autistic 4 year old to sleep currently.

Could you do some batch cooking so it's a quick microwave job? Or a slow cooker dinner?

Different situation to you but I gave up cooking for DH during the week years ago. His job is such that he can never guarantee what time he’ll be home. And when I’ve done the whole slow cooker or plating up for reheating he cba or would rather just grab a some cheese and biscuits and a beer.

He needs to sort his own meal out if he can’t get home at a reasonable time. And that’s not having a go at him, it’s saying you need a break too.

And that's the difference between fussy and AFRID / autism etc.

I would second and third the Slow Cooker suggestions - but go one better.
A Digital Pressure Cooker would work for your situation I would think... with maybe a couple of tweaks for the kids.
You can make almost anything - and at a time that suits you. Set it to start and cook for the best time for the earliest option, but then leave it on keep warm - or do a quick reheat (sometimes adding a bit of water) if he is coming back later on.
Soups, stews, chowder, hotpot type dishes, pasta, even lasagne, or a rice or curry dish with vegetable just steamed on the top (inside) - and I know that chickens and fish can be done (just that I don't). Now I have discover jacket potatoes can be done very quickly, with an optional finish off in the oven.
The timing element is just so perfect!!

(Not an ad I promise.)

Although I have to say, this meal preparation problem happened in my marriage - and it did not do our relationship any good at all. If only Instant Pots had been around then 😢

You came here looking for advice and I’m sorry you’ve received loads of judging.

I think this comes down to communication? You tell him it’s exhausting and taking its toll, you don’t mind being at home but the late nights are too much. You’ll cook dinner to be ready at 7.30 and if he’s not home he can microwave it (it’s not an ultimatum, it’s a genuine compromise). And he needs to tell you by 5.30 if he’s going to be late so you can plan around that. This goes beyond just meal prep, surely you want to know he’s going to be late when you’ve both got kids waiting for his return. Also tell him how much you love eating together when he does get home on time.

Don't be passive in your conversations as it’s not a competition. Just be honest and set some boundaries. He might open up a bit and do the same.

good luck x

If it's THAT simple, he could do that small thing himself, unless he comes home without use of his arms.

Honestly can people be this ignorant?

Being a carer for a disabled child is not the same as being a SAHP to at school kids, or even at home kids.

I don't blame the op for being snippy tbh. She said in her first post that her child has ASD. All of the suggestions of making kids eat whatever are just ridiculous when it doesn't work like that the majority of the time when you have a kid with ASD. She was clear in her OP that she was tired, why should she be all lovey dovey to people who are suggesting that it is all her fault? Fuck that. If you can't read that's on you, not the OP.

So you're at home all day and he's at work, and you have an issue with making dinner for you both? If I were at home, I would definitely make dinner. DH and I both work full-time yet still do all the things you mention, and make dinner.
Why does it even matter what time he gets home, just make something for both of you and put his aside if he's late?

Your Dh sounds like hard work.
My Dh is always happy with whatever I cook, aslong as he is fed, he isn't bothered. But then he grew up poor and they had to eat bread and dripping etc.
Can you utilise a slow cooker, some of them have warm functions on them.
You can make so many meals in a slow cooker.

@mollynolly you’d kids food sounds perfectly reasonable- chicken &rice, pasta, jacket potatoes. What does your dh expect you to cook? I think he’s being unreasonable. He knows the dc has a more limited palate but he expects you to cook two meals rather than suck it up and eat the family meal.

The OP explained though, that her 8yr old is autistic. That could mean they likely have sensory difficulties and mainly eat a ‘beige’ type diet. Many people who are autistic have a very limited, carb heavy diet, which is often not really conducive to NT adult preferences.

That itself will make it often impossible for @mollynolly to make one meal that they all 4 can eat.

And no wonder you’re tired with multiple night time wake ups, does your dh help at all with those?

To be fair @FedUpWithEverything123 , as a parent of a child with autism surely you understand how hard it can be, and that unlike you lots of households revert to having one parent at home to manage the school appts, the hospital and clinic appts, the calls from school where you need to go in immediately etc. It's great you've maintained working full time despite all that but I don't think op and her DP are unusual for not both working.

Unless I misunderstood and you meant do all that with only NT children?

I would batch cook when you can and freeze meals for him to heat up himself. Or have some ready meals in the freezer.

He can't refuse to cook himself, refuse to eat what your kids do and still expect to be fed.