To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

OP has said later on that her child is disabled. I have no idea what that entails but I'm sure it brings a lot of challenges and part time work may not be sustainable.

I know when I was a SAHM it was hard graft and I didn't have a child with disabilities.

mollynolly · Today 19:28

With the best will in the world, I have a disabled child diagnosed with ARFID under the Evalina eating clinic. So maybe your advice here is moot.

My nephew (sister's son) has Asperger's and when younger, would only eat certain coloured foods, such as a particular type of frozen peas, baked beans, sweetcorn, fish fingers, tomatoes (!) and ketchup, only spiral pasta. You just have to get them to eat what they can!

You know that parent carers do unpaid work too?

REALLY? No shit. Well I've learned something today,

IME when DC are small (and even when teenagers) everyone eats easy meals that can be prepared in advance, in bulk, frozen or at least put in the fridge and portioned out as and when required. Batch cooking is the only way to cope when meal times are staggered.
If one child has special needs, surely it would be simpler to prepare separate meals for that child, but batch cook large quantities for everyone else.
DH's portion can be kept in the fridge and he can heat it up when he gets home. Most reasonable people would be grateful for a plate of cottage pie or similar already prepared when coming home late on a cold evening.

Does he ask you to make him his dinner?! How weird!!

mollynolly · Today 19:38

REALLY? No shit. Well I've learned something today,

Sorry, I was trying to back you up, not look patronising!

DH cooks his dinner.

I cook my dinner.

Someone feeds DD (12).

We’re usually all fed by 10-10:30pm.

Yanbu, but why can't he eat what you have eaten earlier with the children? I've probably missed this but it is the pertinent question.

My dh rarely got home before 8pm when the children were small. So he came in, did their bath and bed-time and then ate what I had kept for him.

As a PP has said, the man is working late and, I imagine, earning the bulk of the wages that pays for his family to eat.

OP is at home and can cook. Why is it unreasonable for her to cook a meal and leave him a portion either in the slow cooker or in the fridge for him to heat up when he gets home? That's how families function.

And her husband is very reasonable and has already accepted making his own dinner if he's home too late.

So cook your adult meal before 8pm, and if he’s not home by then he reheats his portion. If he’s insisting you wait and eat WITH him, that’s a different issue…

@mollynolly
I didn’t say being a SAHP wasn’t work but you sound pissed off with it.

I have a 10 yo with ADHD, he does go to mainstream school but is hard work and I have no evenings either. I wish I could get him to go to bed earlier but I’m done in by 9 and usually have to stay with him until he’s asleep. Work makes my life much more tolerable tbh. It also means that DH and I have to share the other bits of our life. It’s not rude to suggest that your DH step up and take on some childcare responsibilities and you do a bit of work outside the home. I don’t mean a full time job. You might find it beneficial.

Well I do have to agree that fish fingers etc isn’t really a dinner for a an adult male. There must be things you can all eat. Why not spaghetti bolognese or cottage pie etc.

Seems fair

What a nasty response, she was backing you up.

Your attitude stinks OP.

I'm so sorry, I'm just tired and defensive from people not understanding what it's like to be a parent carer.

Take your mood somewhere else OP, you are not the only one who struggles, and yes you made a rod for your own back with your husband, that's on you no one else.

More fool you then.

Why have kids with a lazy fucker that's never cooked you a meal?

mollynolly · Today 19:46

^I'm so sorry, I'm just tired and defensive from people not understanding what it's like to be a parent carer.

No worries!

You can tell it's not about the food alone.

Posters who list their tasks to the n'th degree are usually pissed off and resentful about something bigger than just one thing.

"I have to wake up, open my eyes, remove the duvet, put my legs on the floor, walk to the bathroom, have a wee, wipe my arse, flush the loo, wash my hands, go down, remove tin opener from drawer, open tin, pick up dog bowl, empty contents into said bowl, put it back one the mat etc etc.........."

Firstly, I don’t blame you at all. Practical suggestion - slow cooker. Dish yourself out a portion when you’re ready and then leave it on for your OH to dish his own portion out when he gets home. Sorted.

I know this is not very "on brand" for Mumsnet, but get yourself a couple of cans of soup and baked beans and on nights he's late you've got something you/he can heat up. Otherwise boil some eggs up in the morning and keep them in the fridge.

No way would I start cooking at 8pm.

I figure that as long as there is dinner you can take it or leave it, my job is done.

I don't wholly disagree with this.

Why are you the one who cooks his dinner? How did he cope before he met you? It’s ridiculous-he is an adult man(his words/your words) so I’m sure he’s capable of feeding himself. WTF do some of us women get ourselves into these situations? What’s he going to do? Starve? Divorce you because you don’t want to work 18 hour days? Just stop doing it. You’re enabling his uselessness.

OP you are still ignoring posters questions about his response and what exactly is wrong with it? Doesn't seem like he's causing a fuss and seems to be okay with what you have said?