To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

AIBU wasn't 'is he awful' it was 'is it ok to not cook a meal after 8pm?'

Perhaps @Dacadactyl has found the cure to AFRID? Altho it sounds like it'll be "refuse to accept its real and let them go hungry"

Or....you could have a look at my other posts on this thread and get off your soap box?!

My Dh is always happy with whatever I cook, aslong as he is fed, he isn't bothered.

This. I can't believe your dh refuses pasta or jacket potatoes?!

So you only cook what your children will eat?

I ignored @Dacadactyl pretty much immediately. Our consultant at Evalina would hoot at their 'advice'.

So you stay at home, he works mad hours supporting the family and you cant cook something that he can heat when he comes in later? All your posts sound as if you dislike him. The poor guy even said sorry but you kept on goading. I dont get it. My son eats meat, I am a vegetarian. I do batch cooking . Freeze some, keep some in fridge. There is always something to eat. I struggle to understand why you cant do the same. You seem to take pleasure in showing the poor man in bad light and making rules on yor cut off time. What if your DH had a cut off time and refused to work beyond it. Would you have the lifestyle you have now?

Just make children something like pasta. Children love pasta adults like pasta too win win. To jazz it up add some garlic bread and a salad very easy.

Enjoy your evening.

No, we eat out, try to, DS mood allowing. I make family meals at the weekends. But weekday evenings they are hungry from school and want something hot, familiar and filling.

I'm really struggling to understand why you can't read "all" those posts.

OP is a full time carer for a significantly disabled child who wakes multiple times a night. Why is her workload trivialised whilst the "big man" is bumped up to "mad hours"?

i think the main problem here is that the op is worn out. having a child with autism and ARFID is another level of knackered that if you havent experienced it you simply wont understand. add to that the many people who have never heard of ARFID and if you explain, they dont believe you, they think it cant be that bad and that if you were just a bit firmer etc. it adds to the isolation and that adds to the sheer tiredness. so its not about batch cooking at the weekend or getting out the slow cooker. its a hell of a lot deeper than that.

The DH considers pasta "kid food" and won't eat it as in the OP's posts.

He had a garlic baguette and a Twirl for tea tonight. That was a good night! (Oh and the 'chocolate shake' he had with it too, which was heavily fortified and a meal in itself)

@SleepingStandingUp surely you understand that many parents with children with autism and other issues work outside the home? And the appointments you mention are not happening in the late afternoon / evening, ie dinnertime.

Well done them. I'm disabled too. Wanna trade?

To my credit, I've gone through the whole thread. You've posted nothing that changes your point that you wouldn't eat kid food, and you would only cook one meal for everyone and a vague concession that having a disabled child might be difficult. Certainly nothing to get me OFF my soap box. Refusing to feed your child stuff he'll eat just isn't always possible.

I imagine you’re having wife guilt for not providing your dh with a meal. I think it’s fine to do this tbh. You have a lot on your plate. I’m disabled and my dh used to often cook for himself in the evening. I made him a large packed lunch, which took the pressure off and he didn’t come home hungry. Dd is older now and eats more like us but ate a very limited number of foods when little. I probably cook properly 4 times a week.

Will your dh eat sausages? You could do the jacket and veg with them. Cook the lot, freeze the rest. There are all types off frozen veg in portion packs. Otherwise would he eat a salad? The chicken could go on this. Dh eats lots. I prep in advance a batch of hard boiled eggs to accompany the salad. I tend to batch cook in general and usually freeze bits to make a meal for dh out of it. If your dh won’t eat a jacket potato, you could roast them, no need to peel, chop potatoes into chunks, drizzle on oil and add a handful of roemary. When I do a whole chicken, I give dh a wing, a leg and a bit more, freeze the other wing / leg for another meal.

Oh how I would love a cure for ARFID!

Our life is currently quite similar to the OP’s, in that I am at home and don’t work to enable me to drive the 52 miles a day to his special school and back, be here for when he isn’t able to make it into school, coax and tempt him with multiple food choices in the hope he will eat something and be here to keep the house in order and do all the additional admin, such as PIP, EHCP etc.

I really feel for @mollynolly because she definitely isn’t going to be wanting to start cooking dinner at half 8/9pm when her DH walks through the door.

@mollynolly - don’t feel any guilt whatsoever about making multiple meals, if that’s what works for your family it’s totally 👍.

Buy a couple of nice ready meals twice a week and simply prep additional veg/garlic bread whatever to go with them.

Filling soups are underestimated for dinner. A nice hearty thick soup and some bread would be great for him once he’s home to quickly warm through.

Maybe stretch to having fish and chip Friday once a week or every other week.

This stressful time is a moment in your lives - it won’t last forever.

Don’t feel guilty about taking some shortcuts now to help yourself cope with the pressure.

Baffled by this thread.

He's an adult, he can organise something for himself. You have your hands full.

Before DC, I worked full-time. Very long hours sometimes. I never expected anyone else to cook for me. If they did, it was nice. Now I work part-time and at home with DC. My husband works full-time, very long hours. He still doesn't expect me to cook for him. Sometimes I'll message him "There are leftovers in the fridge". The rest of the time he sorts himself out. Most people are capable of both working full-time and feeding themselves.

Just make something that can be reheated or even get a slow cooker and whack something in there or batch cook.

Do you work too? If so maybe share the cooking more equally?

And that is the professional advice for a person with ARFID …..otherwise you’re children would be underweight and you’d be offering up your yummy dinners to the dustbin every meal.

And I said it's great you and your partner both work full time with your disabled child, I wasn't being facetious. But most families I know with a disabled child HAVEN'T managed that. And it isn't just about the meetings not being at tea time, it's the exhaustion of never sleeping more that a few hours solidly. I get you're doing that AND working but that doesn't mean anyone who isn't isn't allowed to struggle. Op is clearly exhausted and feeling wife guilt at not putting her husbands wants ahead of her own needs.

@C8H10N4O2 I am a carer too for my son. What I fail to understand is why cant she batch cook?

I often cook multiple meals (I'm vegetarian, my youngest has a milk allergy and my husband is very fussy). It's a pain in the neck.

My husband will often get in after 8pm so the kids eat together then i eat mine after they go to bed wether he is home or not as I'm like you, I like to settle down and have an early night. If it's something that can be re heated then that's fine but if not then I have it prepped for him e.g. vegetables chopped up etc and he will make his himself when he gets in.