To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

Am I missing something? The DH reply sounds like he's ok and accepting this. Not sure why he's a bellend for this. He's been at work and he's accepted that his wife isn't cooking something so he'll have to get something himself. I don't see where the issue is here?

What the heck is kid food. Make something everyone likes and he can reheat his portion.

I completely agree. He did nothing wrong, agreed that he would figure himself out, and apologized for the fact that he was going to be late.

I'm fascinated by his assertion that pasta, chicken and rice/jackets and fillings/pizza are "kid food" and not fit for an adult man

What does he consider an acceptable offering, then?

Whatever you eat, leave him a portion of that.

But what strikes me is that you sound resentful and feel put upon, and it probably isn't really about dinner. He works (long hours) and you look after the family and study. That is your current division of labour, and if you aren't happy with it, maybe have a think what you do want?

I wouldn't send further resentful messages - his response to your previous message seems fine to me.

Only ever cooked one meal for the whole family. That included DD with multiple disabilities who could only eat pureed food (you can liquidise most things) and DS with an ASD. If DH was late home his dinner got a microwave cover over it and he reheated it when he got back.

That's what I would do.

Batch cook meals, freez

I have a rule
Kitchen is closed from 6pm

I'll cook for everyone but I eat early with the kids mon to Thursday

There will be food to re heat or cook your self. But for me the kitchen is closed from 6pm .

Works great! As sometimes it's nice for him to come home and cook and potter on his own for a while.

Just echoing everyone else. He does seem like he's accepted it but maybe not the usual response for you so you know he's being 'off'. I would absolutely have a cut off, or have him help me make him suitable dinners for the week at the weekend. That way it'd be there for him to heat up, or he can get himself something if he so desires. Does make it rubbish though if it's every night and you don't get that wind down time together xx

Tough teets then, he can sort his own out.

I'll start again batch cook and freeze meals, he can then reheat in the microwave. I make stews, spag bol, chilli and rice, curry and rice, freeeze a portion and just being in the microwave from the freezer

He may be an adult but he is behaving like a child

He's accepted that you don't want to cook and he's apologised for thinking you would. Can't you go have your bath etc and stick the telly on and he can sort tea for you both? He doesn't sound like he'd be against that.

What kind of things do you cook for him?

Just make one meal for all of you. Children don't need to eat "kid food" and grown adults eat pasta, chicken &rice etc.

I think he is accepting of your message and you're looking to push further.

We're in the same boat here, my OH doesn't get home until later every night. I make my daughter's dinner and then start ours. We sometimes have together; sometimes not.
Sometimes I do meals in the slow cooker and others I've had enough and he'll make an omelette.

I'm sure your husband is aware that you do the bulk of the load with your children but if you don't speak up he'll not consider it an issue

Hopefully you get a night to recharge

Agree with this poster.

He sounds fine though with that?

If possible Just cook something earlier in the day quick for you both that can either be reheated, or something like that. What's the problem?

This. And if the kids don't like the meal they would have to make a sandwich or eat cereal. I don't believe in making more than one meal.

It's not fine that he won't eat 'kid food', and wants a separate meal cooked

Slow cooker is your friend! Fling everything in earlier in the day and leave it. Portion out for you and the kids at your dinner time and his portion will still be in there and warm for whenever he gets home.

Or give him a cut off point so if he knows he's going to be home after X time, he has to sort his own dinner.

I'd eat with the kids and he can warm it up later

Does his job fund the majority (or even just a sizeable minority) of the household income? If so I think YANVU

I doubt he is choosing to work late for shits and giggles

Slow cooker 100%