To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

user1471517900 · 17/01/2023 19:03
Am I missing something? The DH reply sounds like he's ok and accepting this. Not sure why he's a bellend for this. He's been at work and he's accepted that his wife isn't cooking something so he'll have to get something himself. I don't see where the issue is here?“

I am, too. His working day varies, sometimes he works later. How does that make him at fault?

I don’t understand “kid food” either?

I think it's an odd dynamic that you sit around waiting for him to inform you whether you should cook for him or not. It sounds like you have rather enough going on and shouldn't need to worry about food to order.

I would do as others suggested, make dinner you like (and that maybe your kids will eat too), and then save him leftovers to eat when he gets in, rather than cooking him a seperate meal. You can freeze them too. If he doesn't like that he can cook for himself or batch cook at the weekend.

I really think you need to reconsider how the dinner sitaution works as it sounds like a huge hassle to be cooking, potentially, 3 meals a night AND be sitting around waiting for his food order to come in. I wouldn't do it.

I really think you need to reconsider how the dinner sitaution works as it sounds like a huge hassle to be cooking, potentially, 3 meals a night AND be sitting around waiting for his food order to come in. I wouldn't do it.“

She isn’t? He’s happy to sort his own food.

Hi, I'm a working father (of >10yrs) who used to have a terrible commute (back in the days where southern rail were unreliable as hell, so getting home in an evening could easily make 1hrs into 2 or even 3). I changed one very bad commute (3 trains, 3 train operators - Southern, SWT, TfL) for a merely bad commute (Southern only) out of necessity, but then got flexible working (WfH) a few years back (my employer had few sudden covid stresses, they were well prepared). This put a horrible strain on my partner because she'd get the all-day childcare+SAHM strain (we went to 3 days/w childminder that I could do the drop-off before work in the morning, I still do all the school runs myself). Sadly she still has terrible insomnia as a result of this.

I am assuming that a long train commute of 2hrs each way is to London in this case. Otherwise you could afford to live closer to reduce the commute. So 7-9am commute, 9-6 work, 6-8 commute. Standard 8 hours + 1 hour lunch. Any extra work should be balanced by TOIL another day. Also why isn't he doing work on the train, so he can leave for home earlier in the evening (his work should be done by 5pm).

But there is an issue with your husband's work, if it is in an office. Why doesn't he have flexible hours now? He has an autistic child, that is a valid reason for his company HR to provide flexibility with his work. Most London office work has an option to work from home now, 2 days a week is typical even in the most outdated banking roles, etc. I have 5 days a month in office. If his work won't allow any of this, then perhaps he should take his skills elsewhere for a role that enables him to have a better work-life balance.

However, to be in work every day, he must be more senior to require being in the office face to face with his colleagues. And in London that means a decent wage.

So, do his wages extend to getting some help for you at home? I am thinking of a cleaner here, but you may think of something else more suitable. I have no doubt that a lot of money is going for specialist support for your child of course.

I am not doubting any of your ability or choices, when you are tired due to your child's nighttime issues, his eating issues, messiness, and so on. Your husband is never around during the week, (imo this is very convenient for him). Does he do anything at the weekend to help - cooking, childcare, cleaning - that will help you to catch a break?

In my situation our child would be disruptive/attention-seeking if both parents were home for bedtime, so I was told to stay out until 8 regardless (I did some shopping and had a beer, lucky me) on the bad days. Which took communication - which is also lacking I feel. I'm a terrible communicator myself so can recognise that.

None of your scenarios involve DH being a freelance creative @Sykobee - so most of your suggestions or guesses don't apply

Just make one meal for everyone, and he re-heats when he gets in. Find meals you all like.

You haven't trained your husband properly. Years ago mum's would feed herself and the children and hubby's food went into the oven to

warm. Nothing's changed. Just men getting conceited and lazy. Don't give him excuses. Say the kitchen closes every evening at 7.30pm and your supper will be in the oven. Good night.

Two years ago I went back to corporate life. I spend a lot at Mr Marks and Spencer. I eat well but buy ready prepped salad, veg etc. I cook chicken and steak etc to go with it. Curries and pasta are batch cooked. That your husband can ping unless he expects silver service.
I cook at weekends and we have a take out some Fridays. DH works locally and can't fry an egg! For someone who cooks to professional standard this was shocking to my family. However they got use to it😁 I eat out three lunchtimes a week for work and I don't want food when I come in bar tea and toast. I have lost weight as I don't eat so late at night.

Fuuuuuuuck there are some goady, insensitive dickheads on this thread who seem to be entirely lacking the empathy gene.

OP. You are not a dreadful human being for expecting your DH to sort his own dinner out every now and again. The world will not stop turning. If he occasionally thought that you might benefit from him bringing a takeaway you could share when he is on his way home, that might help too. (And maybe a bottle of wine if you both enjoy it.)

You BOTH have exhausting schedules - you especially, with your night wakings and your own disability, but marriage is teamwork and it takes two. Maybe HE needs to come up with some solutions for his own dinner for the nights when you are utterly, utterly knackered as your child is only going to get bigger.

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As a child my mum did pretty much all the cooking and the choice was eat it or don't eat it. We never had kid food we just ate whatever was put in front of us no questions asked.
If I'm cooking I will cook for my husband and vice versa. Now and then times don't fit or one of us wants something else so we sort ourselves out. No one expects anyone to do different meals

Congrats @Cosyblankets Now go back and read the first few posts from OP and see if your family life resembles hers in any way, shape or form and maybe ask yourself how the OP might feel when you think you get to compare your life to hers as though that’s the simple solution….