To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

a great fucking question!

Yes, I wonder this too.

Elleepie, do you think it's at all possible that just because you might feel less tired than the OP does, that doesn't mean you're right and she should be fine with cooking for her DH whatever time he comes home? Do you think it's possible that people are different?

What a great little set-up your husband has going on there.

You sound like a bit of a mug though.

Maybe you should get checked out by your de-mugging GP.

I keep thinking about this, and have one small suggestion. I really mean it as a friendly tip, just an idea, from one mum to another mum.
What if you made your child who has the autism issues something simple he likes and you know he will eat.

Then make a regular meal for yourself, your 4 year old ánd your husband.

Advantages :

1)you can prepare everything at a time that suits yóú,
2) you will have a good nutritious meal (you need that!),
3) your 4year old will learn to know a much larger range of regular foods than is the case now,
4) ánd your husband can eat it too as it is not kids'food
5) you will not be asked again to cook a separate meal for him at 9 p.m - just pop his portion in the microwave at whenever time he comes home
This is what I would try if it was me, but of course it's only a friendly suggestion!

I think this is why posters are putting ‘kid food’ in inverted commas. DH is calling it kid food, but it isn’t really because it’s things like chicken and rice. No-one has suggested the DH should eat potato waffles and nuggets, so I’m not sure why you’ve mentioned them.

No not awful, to answer your first question, rather late - sorry!
As soon as you can; talk over together your mutual needs so he understands you simply can't be on call from 6 am to 10 pm non-stop! If he's coming back after 8pm then you eat before then and either save him some or he gets a ready-meal.
I am in awe of how hard you work! My massive respect to you! Please don't over-do it!

Same, mine went to bed at 9pm last night. I thought I was going to get sleep. Nope. Got up at 1:30am, been up since. Will be up all day. And now I am expected to cook, clean, drive several places, shovel snow, etc.

I’m often late or at least, unreliable when at work.

Usually my OH makes tea for him and DD and saved me some to reheat. If not, I’ll grab a sandwich or similar.

At weekend, he enjoys a drink with his friends and I’ll do same.

no stress

What is this comment? Also, he is an adult and can make dinner himself. Just sort yourself out and don't worry. He doesn't seem to care anyway

‘Wife guilt’? Jesus - there was me thinking it was the 21st century and we had equality. But no, shocking that so many young mothers are still living in the mindset of the 1950s! I actually worry about how they are modelling and bringing up the next generation of daughters…

Women! Please! You are not responsible for ensuring grown adult males eat dinner ffs!!!!

Sounds like she needs to train both of them to just eat what they're given. Kids are rating adult food aren't they? Chicken and rice isn't baby food, neither is pasta. I mean its not like she's feeding her husband turkey dinosaur shapes

One meal for the whole family at a set time that suits the kids. Plate his up to be reheated when he gets home. Not unreasonable to shut the kitchen but I do think it's unreasonable not to provide a dinner. Ready meals are full of salt and other crap and are not enough in quantity usually.
Wait until you have teenagers burning pizza at 11pm and leaving the carbon pan for the magic fairies to clean 😂

Earlier in the thread, when asked why you did all that deep cleaning in one day, you said it was because you had a load of energy . So which is it? Yiu feel best from lack of sleep or you have enough energy to derp
ckesn a child’s bedroom, lounge etc.

but not enough energy to put your husband’s pizza in the oven.

I understand how you feel, we sometimes have the same issue. There are ways around it however I now put my foot down to cooking late in the evening. It’s exhausting. Meals can be heated.
You could cook enough chicken breasts for everybody, marinade yours and DH, leave the kids plainer if they’d rather, and make sides that everyone likes sides can vary and differ. Maybe sit and do some meal planning. And maybe ask DH to sort himself out once a week to give you an easier time doesn’t sound unreasonable atall

Exactly! "Deep cleaning" (whatever that is) isn't a requirement. Surely, if you're that tired, you do the bare minimum to keep everyone going.

Wow Sherlock @Geebee12 you really got me there! I mean it isn't possible that a person could have more energy to do jobs at 10am than 8pm is it? Unthinkable!

Do you expect an grown man to come home and eat potato waffles and chicken nuggets?

That would not be my Death Row dinner* *@Dacadactyl but it is protein and carbohydrates as is chicken and rice. I'd have a vegetable or two with it but essentially I'd eat it without complaint.

What is this nonsense about grown men and what they should eat? I assume the OP's husband has a normal lifestyle and doesn't have any Mr Universe contests in the pipeline.

Lol, fair enough @limitedperiodonly . I wouldn't want to eat frozen food every night either, particularly if id been at work all day. It takes me 15 mins to chop everything and throw into a slow cooker before work.

I already said chicken and rice would be acceptable (add veg for husband) and pasta too. Just if its frozen stuff, I think it's fair enough if he doesn't want to eat it all the time. But reading OPs post, husband didn't seem to complain in this particular instance anyway.

Why not @Dacadactyl? I'm a very keen cook but always use frozen and tinned stuff where appropriate.

Tonight is paella with frozen seafood - prawns, scallops, mussels, squid and a cod fillet - two frozen chicken wings and frozen peas and red peppers. I used to lovingly do it all from fresh from the fishmonger and butcher but a Spanish friend told me I was wasting time and money. I really wish I could get those paella mix bags you see in the freezer cabinets of Spanish supermarkets because they have spider crab legs in them.

I believe grown Spanish men eat this stuff.

Sorry that was flippant @Dacadactyl. I didn't mean to be rude. It's that I know men who've tried on that: "I do a manly job so I need to eat fillet steak" and women who go along with it. Okay, mate, buy it and cook it yourself.

I’m so sorry people are being rotten on here and deciding you’re not doing enough. Don’t forget if your husband was single he would be going to work and cooking for himself every night.

As do I. But there's a difference in paella like that and beige frozen food all the time.

We were late home yday so it was chips, nuggets and beans for our tea, but that'll be the only time this month we will eat that, barring emergencies.

I do get what you mean though, it'd be different if a man had a "get me a fillet steak woman" view.

@Dacadactyl my husband would love your meal. He has a weakness for fried egg, crinkle cut chips and peas because that's what his hard working single mum on a budget would dish up for him and his brother after her job.

When I'm working late I look forward to stopping off at the 24-hour McDonalds in the station for a quarter-pounder with cheese and large fries. I make it home in eight minutes - I've timed it - so my food is still warm. I know my husband has sorted his own dinner out because he is an adult and can do things like that but I always buy him a Big Mac and fries to keep me company and because I know he likes it. But I do that because I want to not because he is a man and I have to do my duty as a woman.

After all, it's me who is a grown woman and I have done the hardest work that day.

I never ask my husband why he never cooks me dinner when I'm working late. He would always say: "Let's meet in a restaurant" and I would because it's nice and I love him. But it's interesting. He could but he doesn't.

If you have the money and expect to use other people's time and effort instead of your own.

It's always women's time and effort though.

I gave you helpful advice but this thread seems to me more about no one understanding your struggles, rather than about whether you should cook dinner for your DH who gets in late after a long commute. You will alienate support by assuming other parents don't have ASD kids who don't sleep and are Blue Badge holders and have food difficulties. There are plenty out there and it's tough. Cooking meals for yourself and DH is doeable as I said before.

Yes, I was thinking the same.