To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

I was seeing it was difficult on both sides and both are tired. I’m certainly not a smug cowbag. I have two autistic children and multiple heath issues of my own. I get how difficult life can be!

Just want to say - be kind to yourself and to him. The people here saying leave him to it, If the roles were reversed, they'd call him mean. We killed ourselves for years with this sort of load. Try and carve yourself time during the day. Then that your shift ends at 9 doesn't seem so awful xxx

Are we now gatekeeping … lasagne?

It wasn't me who suggested lasagne n the first place; this is just a quick version. And it tastes really nice - kid's food or not.

I have been in a similar situation to the OP - but we did not even have any children at first. I worked much further away and in a high pressure industry (advertising/marketing) and had moved to his area, giving myself a longer commute. My husband would ring my office (no mobiles) asking when tea would be ready - when he was already at home! His mother backed him up, as she was of "that" generation.

His behaviour caused a loss of respect for me at work (a small agency, so we were all close), and when I went to part-time, HE lost respect for me, as I was no longer the "high-flyer" he married. A child coming into that equation made it all so much worse!

Were you ever admitted to hospital when ill because of physically refusing to eat or drink? DS has been. Three times.

I’d really hope my husband could pop something in the oven for me if I were getting home from work after 8pm as I do for him, it takes a few minutes, no matter how much deep cleaning I have done that day.

You already dismissed the idea of him cooking at all

Im not sure what you want here OP.

The division of responsibility in your house is that he works long paid hours and makes the long commute. You are the care giver and work inside the home, including cooking meals. You said yourself he's never cooked, so it's not really reasonable to spring on him at 9pm that you've changed the terms.

I don't understand why you would start cooking from scratch when he walks in the door. Couldn't you make it earlier, and then just heat it up? Batch cooking, ready meals etc.

He's being ridiculous with the 'I don't eat kids food' think when you're already dealing with ARFID but YABU to suddenly change the rules if dinner is your job.

If you're not happy and feel like you are doing too much, then wait until you're not tired and grumpy and have a genuine and constructive discussion about the division of labour in your house and his expectations around dinner.

This OP is unfair. Because it's not until much later that OP reveals ds is Sn with a medical condition.

However same rules apply. It's fine to do a massive deep clean of ds bedroom. But you're priorities are wrong if you haven't considered prepping yourself and Dh some sort of adult meal, before you start cleaning.

I'm never sure what people mean when they say 'deep' cleaning.

OP, if you're knackered, could you reframe it as a treat and suggest a takeaway?

Then have a talk about your workload and what's reasonable in terms of dinner when you're not exhausted.

I'm wouldn't want to cook or eat at this time OP.

Would the batch cooking suggestion work for your family?

OP - many people have actually suggested DH batch cook if it's an available option. You are ignoring posts and suggestions and I'm unsure why. You are clearly very pissed off but you are getting lots of good and reasonable solutions here so if they don't work then I think your issue if a lot more than just the time of cooking.

Again, you haven't actually addressed his response and why it's an issue because it seems as though he was fine with what you said about not cooking for him. Again suggestion this is more than just dinner arrangements.

I think it's unreasonable to expect you to make two dinners and your kids needs should be taking priority.

If he won't eat what they're having then he should sort something out for himself.

My partner does almost all the cooking but I wouldn't expect him to do this.

When I was cooking for my elderly PIL I was working during the week, so did all their meals on a Saturday morning. I found my slow cooker an absolute godsend. Everything was portioned into those takeaway plastic containers. FIL was blind and MIL had dementia, so the whole lot were stacked in their freezer to go into the microwave.
I still never cook just one meal, I cook double and freeze half. Then there is always something for a day when you don't have time. Sure it is easy food like casseroles, fish pie, cottage pie, lasagne, but it is good enough. If there is a good stash of batch cooked meals, OP only has to worry about her DS's meals on a daily basis.
But there has to be team work and communication. It sounds as if OP is just exhausted and stressed and maybe her DH is not being as supportive as he could be.

so your dh never cooks an someow this is your fault

someposters do make melaugh-never heard of chicken and rice or pasta being kids food before

So he can make his own then.

Exactly this - particularly if he's arriving home so late.
I think you need to put your foot down OP, because from what you've posted you're doing absolutely everything else around the house, and all the childcare.😠

Pasta, jacket potatoes, chicken and rice aren’t really kids meals. They’re family friendly but not kids!! Most adult type cafes and restraunts serve them on adult menus. Chicken nuggets and chips or fish fingers and chips I could see being classed as kids food.

Since when is chicken and rice kid food? Start serving him beans and rice. I get not wanting kid food all the time, but no grown adult should be expecting a separate meal all the time.

OP isn’t coming back because many people have suggested sensible solutions and not agreed that her husband is a monster.

By all means LTB OP, you’ll be in the same situation with less money though. Although you’ll have one less meal to make, which is the crux of issue? I think not.

I think you might be missing the point. It does not matter if it a Dahl or lasagne - the same principal applies. It can be reheated

My dh loves all the meals you listed. It certainly is grown up food!

I dislike making dinner late too. It’s the dishes and cleanup I dread. I’ve been making dinner earlier and earlier, because I’m too tired to do the kitchen cleanup if I make dinner later. Dishes and kitchen cleanup is the absolute worst job!

you have zero clue as to what it is like to take care of a child that needs 24/7 care. From the posts, her child sounds very similar to mine. There are days he stays up all day. No, not 16 hours, 26 hours. There are days he spreads his feces all over the room. Worse days when he gets it all over the house. What am I doing when he does this? Dishes, bathroom, laundry, cooking, etc.
and it is not like you get time back if they are in school or anything, because you are constantly called in for meetings, disruptions, aggressive behavior, self-harm, to bring a special toy, blanket, snack (even if you sent them with one)
She doesn't have time to cook extra meals. She doesn't have time to take a shower or go to the toilet without having to beg her partner to watch the children. And he probably calls her name and asks stupid questions at least once while she is in there.
Oh, and maybe hers isn't, but a lot of these fellas turn into filthy, stinky, nasty pigs when you have a child who needs 24/7 care.
Believe me, he gets way more sleep than she does. he can leave the house whenever he wants and she can't. This is what it sounds like when he leaves the house. "hey honey, I am going out, be back at 11." Here is what it sounds like when she tries to go out. "okay, DC is down for a nap, he has eaten, but there is a plate of the food he likes in the fridge, warm it for 1 minute, I am going to get groceries and pick up some meds." and the reply "what do you mean, this is my day off, I worked all week, why do I have to feed him? I can't, I made plans, I am going out with Fred and Ted." Of course, he will not have told her about said plans, because she is always home. Because she has no other choice but to be home. And then she will give in and ask him to do the errands. And he will whine about it or forget. Then he will whine about how the only thing to eat in the house is pasta and eggs.

I've been here. I used to make things that could sit happily in a slow cooker or oven for myself and DH. I'd eat it when I got hungry and leave the rest for DH. If you prep it when you prep for the kids it won't feel so bad. Or make something that can then go in the oven to finish suchas cottage pie, pasta bake or lasagne. Do try to think of things you could all eat to keep your sanity. Macaroni Cheese, plain fish or chicken with rice and vegetables ( or with plain potatoes for ASD DS), plain pasta with grated cheese for kids that you then use in a pasta bake to go in the oven. Cook plain chicken breasts for the kids then used cooked chicken in sweet and sour, curry or stir fry etc. Prep the veg so it's just ten minutes once he gets in. It's horrible to not get back from commuting until 9pm so do try and be sympathetic. I know it's tough x