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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

387 replies

mollynolly · 17/01/2023 18:46

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:04

Autumn61 · 18/01/2023 23:01

Erm because he has just worked a 12-13 hour day !

And what do you think op is working?

ForestofD · 18/01/2023 23:09

It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate, OP.

Just a couple of thoughts- to maybe help, or not!

Would cooking a batch of something on the weekend and freezing help? I'm thinking a nice curry and then OH could just cook some rice when he gets home and defrost curry. You say he doesn't cook- so he could look after children while you cook maybe?

What about a slow cooker- bung a load of stuff in the morning and leave it there for him. A popular one in our house is lamb and orzo.

If he is being fussy, perhaps you need to have a conversation. He can come up with some things he would like to eat if he is running late/if your children are needing extra input and you can both try and work something out.

My OH doesn't get home until 11-12pm each night, so I leave his on the side with a plate on the top. He will re-heat. If it is something that really doesn't reheat well, he'll have something like scrambled eggs/toast or jacket potato. We've got a range of pre-cooked toppings for the jacket potato in the freezer (chilli, thai curry, that sort of thing) I've got some of those takeaway style tubs that I write on the side with a sharpie and freeze them. Then, if I've gone to bed, he can grab something himself. Sometimes, I just can't stay awake!

If he can't offer some sort of constructive way through this, then he will need to sort his own meals out if he is late.

But no, I wouldn't want to start cooking after 8pm either.

Hmm1234 · 18/01/2023 23:17

Why can’t you leave him leftovers from the main meal with the kids earlier? Then just reheat when he gets in!

DILLIGAFQUEEN · 18/01/2023 23:31

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2023 20:33

I imagine you’re having wife guilt for not providing your dh with a meal. I think it’s fine to do this tbh. You have a lot on your plate. I’m disabled and my dh used to often cook for himself in the evening. I made him a large packed lunch, which took the pressure off and he didn’t come home hungry. Dd is older now and eats more like us but ate a very limited number of foods when little. I probably cook properly 4 times a week.

Will your dh eat sausages? You could do the jacket and veg with them. Cook the lot, freeze the rest. There are all types off frozen veg in portion packs. Otherwise would he eat a salad? The chicken could go on this. Dh eats lots. I prep in advance a batch of hard boiled eggs to accompany the salad. I tend to batch cook in general and usually freeze bits to make a meal for dh out of it. If your dh won’t eat a jacket potato, you could roast them, no need to peel, chop potatoes into chunks, drizzle on oil and add a handful of roemary. When I do a whole chicken, I give dh a wing, a leg and a bit more, freeze the other wing / leg for another meal.

Or he can make his own tea?

stacyvaron · 19/01/2023 04:02

I don't know what your chore arrangement is, ours was that cooking was my arena, so I cooked and froze meals to heat up when I was tired. Potpie, chicken & veg, chipped beef, etc.

CatsnCoffee · 19/01/2023 04:14

Why do you need to deep clean 2 rooms? You’ve enough to do besides that, so no wonder you’re exhausted.
That said, he needs to be less fussy about what he’s given for dinner or make his own/buy take-away.

StalkedByASpider · 19/01/2023 04:25

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:04

And what do you think op is working?

Show quote history

In fairness, the children are at school all day so she's not working all of the time. There are plenty of opportunities for her to take some time out and have a break, less so her DP.

They obviously agreed she would be a SAHM/carer which means it's her responsibility to sort out the cooking.

Of course the hours that her DC are home are undoubtedly hard going, but she's said her DS goes to bed at the same time as her around 9pm.

I have two autistic twin DC, one with very care high needs - I put a comment earlier up the thread. He's 13yrs old and still in nappies. I know exactly what it's like. And of course it's hard. And relentless. And the future is unknown.

But if the children go to school, there is the opportunity to catch a break for six hours a day, five days out of seven.

And in fairness her DH wasn't moaning at her, he was completely fine with grabbing himself something to eat. So everyone piling into him seems really unfair. He's working long days, is happy to sort his own food and yet people are saying he's an arsehole?! It's bonkers.

Autumn61 · 19/01/2023 04:51

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I read “ did a load of housework , took kids to school then fed them, oh and I even done the dishwasher !!!
He obviously had to leave before start of school run so ? 7am, full days work then 2 hr commute home. Not disputing poster doesn’t work but when you mention hoovering and filling the fucking dishwasher that seems to be eking things out a bit. She doesn’t have too cook at 8.30, there are plenty of ways around this , sorry but sounds too much of a victim. Sorry if this offends your sensibilities.

Mandyjack · 19/01/2023 06:42

Make a dinner and he can reheat it when he gets in

Mandyjack · 19/01/2023 06:44

mollynolly · 17/01/2023 18:55

My kids eat pasta, jacket potatoes, chicken and rice, homemade pizza. He doesn't consider any of that food fit for an adult man.

Show quote history

What does he consider adult food?

Mandyjack · 19/01/2023 06:47

mollynolly · 17/01/2023 19:33

No, that's the absolute truth. He never has. I am the food bitch. But if I have made my bed haven't I.

Show quote history

Doesn't mean it can't ever change

Original poster
mollynolly · 19/01/2023 07:37

mandlerparr · 18/01/2023 18:49

not all autistic people require the same amount of care. You cannot use one families autistic child as a base for all autistic people. For instance, not all autistic people refuse to wear clothing. Some do. not all autistic children masturbate as much as they can, no matter where they are. some do. Not all autistic children play with their feces, some do. Not all autistic children line things up and prefer to be alone with no one around them. Some cling to you all day and all night. Some talk, some don't. some will use alternate forms of communication, some won't.
Not all parents earn enough to afford the massively expensive childcare that is required for some children. Great that you know families where both parents work. Great for them to. A lot of us would much rather be at a job than at home cleaning feces, disinfecting our scratches and bites and holding a pillow under our child's head so they don't injure themselves.

He was awake from 11 until 4am last night, I fee, beaten before I've even begun the day.

OP posts:
Sophie89j · 19/01/2023 08:18

When my ex husband used to come
home late because of work I used to just dish up a plate of whatever myself and the children had. I’ve never done separate meals unless we’re using up bits so we call it pick and mix tea. I’ve always made food that the whole family will, the only exception is my son who won’t eat proper meat like roasted meat then he has sausages. Tell your husband he either eats what everyone else is eating or he can cook/get himself something on the way home. You shouldn’t be put out.

TeaFagsand · 19/01/2023 08:32

TrianglePlayer · 17/01/2023 18:52

I was going to say the same. And if it’s something he would deem a “child” style meal and he doesn’t like it (like fishfingers or something) then he can do his own.

Show quote history

Ditto.

I take it you are blessed with a freezer and a microwave? Good. He can use them.

Make dinner for all of you then reheat.

Devora13 · 19/01/2023 08:47

@Twillow OP has an autistic child. Are you familiar with the difficulties this can present around food?

Elleepie · 19/01/2023 08:53

I think yabu. Poor guy's getting home from a long day at 9pm and you can't be bothered to cook him a meal? My husband works late shifts all the time but no matter how late he gets back we will always eat together because sometimes its our only time to catch up and bond. (I commute 2 hours a day with a 9 hour working day and do all the housework) If you're that tired after a few small normal tasks then i think you should get checked out by your gp.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/01/2023 08:57

@Mummyoflittledragon

no, most of us don’t get wife guilt

he can make his own tea

DameHelena · 19/01/2023 08:58

Elleepie · 19/01/2023 08:53

I think yabu. Poor guy's getting home from a long day at 9pm and you can't be bothered to cook him a meal? My husband works late shifts all the time but no matter how late he gets back we will always eat together because sometimes its our only time to catch up and bond. (I commute 2 hours a day with a 9 hour working day and do all the housework) If you're that tired after a few small normal tasks then i think you should get checked out by your gp.

Or:

'Poor guy' is rolling home late after the OP has had a long day looking after his child and his house and can't be bothered to sort himself out a meal/won't lower himself to eat pasta or some chicken and rice.

If you commute two hours a day with a 9-hour working day and do all the housework as well, then I think you've got somewhat low standards/expectations about what a fair workload is, and aren't really in a position to judge the OP.

Elleepie · 19/01/2023 09:17

Husband has longer commute and 11 hour work day so no i dont mind cooking for him when he gets back. He also cooks when he doesnt work late so we share the cooking. So our workload is completely fair thanks.

Favouritefruits · 19/01/2023 09:22

My husband is a bit like this, thinks a SAHM is a skivvy cooking all hours, I now have ready meals in the freezer for him to grab when he’s really late.

Beezknees · 19/01/2023 09:24

I'm a single working mum. I batch cook at weekends and basically keep everything portioned out in the freezer (curry, chilli, lasagne, cottage pie, macaroni cheese, bolognese, etc) then all I need to do is stick it in the microwave when I get home from work. He can do the same.

limitedperiodonly · 19/01/2023 10:19

However do men survive in that perilous time between their mum cooking for them until they find a wife to do it?

Janbohonut · 19/01/2023 10:26

YANBU
It sounds like he is working hard and so are you, and you need to be out of the kitchen and on the sofa by 8pm for your own wellbeing.
I would explain it to him and ask what you can do in future so you get that time because you really need it - food prep for four is a lot of work and it's fair to close the kitchen by 8.

Original poster
mollynolly · 19/01/2023 10:45

Elleepie · 19/01/2023 08:53

I think yabu. Poor guy's getting home from a long day at 9pm and you can't be bothered to cook him a meal? My husband works late shifts all the time but no matter how late he gets back we will always eat together because sometimes its our only time to catch up and bond. (I commute 2 hours a day with a 9 hour working day and do all the housework) If you're that tired after a few small normal tasks then i think you should get checked out by your gp.

You're right. I'm just lazy. Need to do better.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2023 11:29

Elleepie · 19/01/2023 08:53

I think yabu. Poor guy's getting home from a long day at 9pm and you can't be bothered to cook him a meal? My husband works late shifts all the time but no matter how late he gets back we will always eat together because sometimes its our only time to catch up and bond. (I commute 2 hours a day with a 9 hour working day and do all the housework) If you're that tired after a few small normal tasks then i think you should get checked out by your gp.

Sounds like you have a husband problem @Elleepie , you're both working full time, him slightly longer hours but you're doing ALL the housework?

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