To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

If it's just the late time you are objecting to, why can you not make his dinner earlier? Make it at the normal time, then he can reheat it whenever. Or keep a couple of backup ready meals in the freezer for the days you can't be bothered to cook.

Well your DH will want to eat if he gets home so late so why not begin to organise around that. Maybe some of these suggestions might be useful. B

Batch cook a casserole, a pasta sauce, a shepherd's pie in advance so twice a week you just get them out of the freezer and heat.

Once a week, dont cook. Get a takeaway.

Serve 'oven food ' once a week. Chicken Kiev, battered fish etc with chips.

Cook with the children once or twice a month.

Serve you and DH a nice late dinner once or twice a month. Steak is fine. The dcs can have fish fingers as a treat on those days.

Dont take any of it too seriously. There is always cheese on toast.

not all autistic people require the same amount of care. You cannot use one families autistic child as a base for all autistic people. For instance, not all autistic people refuse to wear clothing. Some do. not all autistic children masturbate as much as they can, no matter where they are. some do. Not all autistic children play with their feces, some do. Not all autistic children line things up and prefer to be alone with no one around them. Some cling to you all day and all night. Some talk, some don't. some will use alternate forms of communication, some won't.
Not all parents earn enough to afford the massively expensive childcare that is required for some children. Great that you know families where both parents work. Great for them to. A lot of us would much rather be at a job than at home cleaning feces, disinfecting our scratches and bites and holding a pillow under our child's head so they don't injure themselves.

I haven't read the full thread (I usually do) but have I missed where it's been explained that OP can't cook something that suits the rest of them and the dc who doesn't eat gets whatever very narrow selection of foods that they'll accept? Surely it's not healthy for everyone in the family to only eat beige food or garlic baguette and a twirl?

I have been in the frustrating position of being a sahm with a dh who gets home late and can't cook for the family most nights. So cooking was mainly up to me (still is infact) however much I resented it. But I prioritised cooking over cleaning so that at least I was eating proper meals rather than just grazing with the dc.

I would make everyone a meal at a convenient time to you and then leave his to warm up i wouldnt expect him to cook his own at 9.00 at night after been at work all day if im honest

YONBU - he is being selfish

If you want to make a meal for yourself separate to the children that your DH won't turn his nose up at, then I'd do that, and leave his for him to help himself to when he got home. If you don't want to, I'd say that he needs to sort himself out on the way home, and if necessary could he get you something as well. But agree in advance.

Why don't you sear some beef or lamb/ pork chops in a slow cooker before adding some veg and stock cube in water etc then leave it cooking and timed for when he arrives home? If you can't be rsd to peel n chop veg, then buy some pre-prepared veg and add some baby potatoes. If you do enough for two meals you can freeze one half for another day. It takes minimal prep time.
Can't understand why you eat out with children 5 days a week. That's not being a mother. It must be fast food. Not good.

Why can’t he make his own dinner? Why can’t he simply sort himself out in advance during the weekly shop and get some ready meals in?

He must know you have enough on your plate with the kids that it’s unreasonable expecting you to lookafter him too.

If I was you, I’d just tell him it’s not possible to make another meal later in the evening & you’d rather eat earlier with the kids and that he should sort himself out. Alternatively batch cooking & freezing a few meals on the weekend that can easily be bunged in the oven might be an option.

I actually think YABU. Only because it's not as if he's been out with friends, he's been to work. He probably doesn't want to be getting home this late, just as much as you don't want to cook late. My OH gets home from work at 8pm. I cook dinner for our DS around 6pm. I often have 2 different meal to cook, but if you do it all at the same time it's not so bad. Like tonight I've made chicken and rice. Both can be heated up when he gets in.
I take the stance work smarter, not harder so I do things all at once. I work full time as well as him so anything to make life easier I do

Yep! This. Saw it myself in the office

I'm so glad that you posted this. There is such huge variation between autistic children, some will go on to live independently, marry and hold down a successful job, others may never speak a word and rely on around the clock for the rest of their lives. Both have autism but couldn't be more different.

He won’t eat kid food, he cooks for himself, simples. My DH complained so much about what I cook, that I don’t anymore. I leave it all to him.

My husband gets home between 6-8pm I cook dinner around 5pm he re heats his when he gets in :)

I am on board with cooking separate meals. It’s not making work for yourself if that’s what your autistic kids need.
I tried having mine eat the same food as us but it just doesn’t work… believe me it’s much much more work to get an autistic child to eat a meal they don’t want than it is to make them something separate. They will eat it if they are hungry just does not apply to my kids.
On top of that I won’t eat what they eat. I am autistic as well and I need a variety of food and flavours. The children want very simple very unseasoned bland food. If I had to eat that I would cry.

That being said, he shouldn’t expect you to go out of your way to make 2 separate dinners if you are happy to eat what the kids are having. He is the one with the issue he should get his own. I know in practice it doesn’t always work that way as he is back late and is commuting so sometimes it is nice to make your partner food they like. It shouldn’t be the expectation though!

Where on earth did OP say she ate out with the children five days a week?!
And that judgment obviously doesn't come from the mother of either a SEND child, or one with ARFID. If you can't be nice, go and spout your bile somewhere else.

My husband was out of the house véry early and back véry late (we're now retired). We had a deal : I waited with the children untill 19.30 h.. (We never minded eating late.) But if DH wasn't hole by then we ate without him. Sometimes he wanted a meal even very late and then I heated it for him or he did that himself. If I hadn't eaten with the children we would eat together. I have to say our children have always been very curious and interested in food, and since I'm rather a foodie they've always eaten everything from all over the world. Could you maybe interest your children in something else than chicken&rice and pizza? Oh and a steamer is a great investment, it's great for reheating food, you'd never known it wasn't made right now!

I haven't read all the comments if anyone else suggested it but this is where a slow cooker comes in very useful!
Bung it all in in the morning, you eat when you need to and keep the rest warm in there - one pot, no fuss, no mess. Sometimes I literally put a couple of chicken breasts in and a jar of sauce, it could not be easier!

Not awful just a conversation and a way forward that works 😊

I would cook everyone’s tea at the same time and then you can sit down and eat with your DCs (and give them a tiny bit to try if they want to).
Then DH can warm his up when he gets home.

I think this is one thing you can do that will make you less tired.
You can be fed, washed up and in your PJs before he even gets home.
He can then eat his tea then put the DCs to bed whilst you have a bath and read a book in bed.

Fuck me there's some nastiness on this thread.

You sound exhausted @mollynolly and understandably a bit resentful that you're expected to cook for a fussy adult late in the evening after caring for your disabled child all day.

You're not being unreasonable. I hope you can get some rest and time to yourself.

Just do him a lasagne - that made me laugh! Of all the foods to pick!

My kids eat pasta, jacket potatoes, chicken and rice, homemade pizza. He doesn't consider any of that food fit for an adult man.
OP - what on earth does he consider adult food as these foods are not ‘kid food’, they are foods eaten by humans across the world.

Also, if you don’t want to cook, don’t cook. To be fair, he didn’t sound like he was upset by it and wanted you to still cook.

Reminds me of when my ExDH used to come home -but much later- expecting a meal, except he’d also eat a proper meal at lunchtime. And no amount of telling him to call me when he was leaving work would get him to communicate. Then, if I didn’t cook anything, he’d get himself a takeaway and not bother to ask me if I wanted anything. Knob head. Anyway - OPs DH - don’t descend into knobhead territory.

If you know he’s going to be late, how about making a bolognese for the two of you - just the spaghetti to cook later on with reheated sauce. Or a chicken curry and rice - reheat in the microwave. Pan of stew - made the day before so you have something to come home to. You do need to get your children on board with eating food acceptable to all of you otherwise you’re making life harder for yourself.

And work is the perfect place to hide until late if you don’t want to engage in family life unless it’s on your own terms.

So I don’t think you’re being U really but what I would say is having a long commute and walking through the door starving at 8-9pm is knackering and miserable. You’ve probably been sat on a train for hours with angry commuters and people scoffing burger kings! So I think he’s being unnecessarily picky (possibly) but in your shoes I probably would do a bit less cleaning etc and try to at least start something relatively palatable for my DH, even if it’s just a jacket potato in the oven, pasta bake and salad or quiche etc. I agree though if he has specific tastes this is not as easy.