To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

I don’t know why you have got into the habit of cooking him something just for him regardless of the time. I have never done this; and it’s beyond me why anyone would… I ask my DH if he wants what I am having (or kids are having) and if he does (maybe half the time) I make enough for him, will leave it if he isn’t home for work. If he doesn’t want what I am having he can cook for himself. We sometimes entertain at weekend and freeze leftovers which DH is always happy to eat eg roast chicken or similar.

Another option is to help him with some batch cooking at weekends eg some cottage pies or similar. Or buy frozen ready meals.

My dh (workaholic) got home at about 9.30 to 10 for years and years. He doesn't work as hard now but it's still often 8pm or a bit later.

From the very beginning I never served the children children's food. There was always one meal:

Chicken, new potatoes, coleslaw, salad
Cottage pie
Pasta bake and salad
Chicken with lemon, paprika, mushrooms and cream with rice and brocoli
Cheese, spinach and cod bake
Kedgeree
Stuffed peppers
Lemony Chicken thighs, cous cous, salad
Sausages, mash and beans (onions for dh)
Fishcakes, oven chips and peas
Burgers (freshly made), chips, salad
Meat balls with tomato sauce with rice and salad
Chops, Greek salad and crispy potatoes

DH's portion went in the microwave when he got home. I'd sit and have a glass of wine with him. He still loves a shop bought Creme caramel or trifle for pud.

Look up “the batch lady”. Get yourself some 6 inch freezer bags and some microwave rice!

cook a load of proper meals. Freeze in portions and get out what you fancy!

we do this for family size meals and individual portions.
pull the bag, defrost in the microwave or overnight in the fridge, heat in a pan or bowl/jug in the microwave.

serve.

homecooked meal.

minimal washing up

much better than a supermarket microwave meal on every level.

the batch lady will explain it doesn’t have to be a mammoth task! Some days you cook. Some days you don’t!

& plan at the start of the week and shop once. Life will be easier and you’ll probably save a fortune.

The whole set up is a bit disjointed. I get it, I really do- my dh often works late/can be pulled into last meeting minutes with v senior staff etc- but he does not get a freshly cooked dinner whenever he finally appears.

Cook one dinner and eat with the kids- your dh can use the microwave whenever he gets home. Alternatively, he can pop something into the slow cooker before he leaves for work in the morning! Takes 10 minutes! And thus, he also shares the mental load of what to cook each day for dinner!

I don’t know why people put up with this, tbh

I just read the thread. I also have a child with ARFID. This means the choices for him for dinner are somewhat limited - so I cook for him separately as he won’t eat any fruit vegetables pulses (or composite food like lasagna. He will eat roast chicken so at least once a week I do that and we all eat it. However mostly I cook for myself and offer to make DH what I am eating.

Gosh it sounds like you definitely need to be resting by 8/9pm. Could you (just as a suggestion) cook one 'proper' meal earlier in the evening for you, your younger child and your husband, and just put your husband's portion in the fridge ready for him to heat up when he gets home. And at the same time cook whatever your older child will eat that day, so he can eat with you but eat his safe foods? Then you are cooking, eating and clearing up early enough before you get exhausted, and your husband still has a nice meal to come home to when he is knackered too. Since my cancer diagnosis and treatment I have had to move my meal times earlier as I get so tired (I used to like not to eat until 8/9pm as that is how I ate growing up) but my husband and children want to eat earlier so now I just join them and we all eat together at 5:30/ 6ish. Then I clear up and it's all done by the time the children need putting to bed. I find myself exhausted just with normal life and work, and want to be in my PJ's by 9pm latest, and I am not dealing with a disabled child in amongst that!

And I don’t consider “anything mummy makes special just for me” to be good fit for an adult man, either.

He should be able to accept that 8pm is the cut off and anything after this time will be leftovers. (I’d be leaving him cold gruel myself)

My DH was coming home at odd times and sometimes very late.
I cooked dinner for myself and DC and kept his back.
I only cook once, and ate with the DC. OK, so it was rather early, but gradually moved back later as the DC got older.
The main reason why we bought a microwave actually.

Are you his wife, or his mother? He’s a big boy, let him fend for himself.

You need a freezer full of options! If time allows,
one of you needs to get into batch cooking. If you’re in a position to throw some money at the problem, get a load of meals in from Cook.

I understand that it’s tough and I sympathise. Have an unmumsnetty (((hug))).

You do sound like you’re spoiling for a fight a bit OP. I hope you’re able to have some chill time to yourself this evening OP

I’d be cooking him things like cottage pie, pasta bakes etc and let him eat the same thing a couple of days in a row if he won’t eat what you and the kids eat!

Are you his wife or his maid? Your full time job is looking after the house and the kids not him. Unless you signed a pre-nup where it stated you are to act as his servant and cook all of his meals, then he can eat what you've made reheated or cook something himself. No fancy meals, you aren't running a restaurant.

This is what I do. Cook the family meal and he reheats later.

Oh my god - you are amazing and he needs to not take you for granted. He can sort himself out - you’ve done everything! ❤️❤️❤️

Not sure how this helps the Op. she’s explained about her ARFID child, which means trying to get them to eat like this just won’t work. She’d still have to cook a separate meal for that child even if she cooked like this for herself and the other child.

Just wanted to hop on and say I’m autistic, OP (late diagnosed) and I highly suspect I had the same food issues as your boy. I had multiple hospital admissions etc due to not eating.

When I moved out of the family home I went from eating a handful of foods to easily over 100. Cooked veggies are hot and miss. Curry and soups I will never touch and sauces are very difficult but as soon as the pressure was off and I was alone I improved.

I cook myself a safe food and something new and there’s no pressure on myself to even try it. I know I have my sage food.

If he needs so much care your boy might never live independently and I appreciate that but I just wanted to say it does sometimes get better and you’re doing the right thing not pushing him

Yes I agree @MotherOfPuffling. I had missed the bit about ARFID. However I think it would be better for the family overall if the child with ARFID had meals just for him and the rest of the family ate normally. Except for genuine issues with food I don't think children and adults should have different foods.

Hugely sympathetic that you have a child with ARFID along with everything else. You must be exhausted by 7/8pm. You are going to have to really examine and let go of whatever is still making you cook this second dinner for your (frankly unreasonable) DH.

I found myself in a not dissimilar situation, and one day (after years and years) I just snapped... and didn't cook again for my DH for more than a year. He learnt to cook (for himself and everyone else) pretty quickly and ultimately thanked me for forcing him to learn.

I now realise I had unexamined ideas about my worth because I wasn't earning/working (illness and a child with autism too, and I do believe these are linked as I had some kind of burnout). We both cook now.

Blimey. I’ve never in my life made two separate meals in one evening.

Surely you can just make something everyone can eat, and he warms up a portion when he gets in? You could vary it between adults putting up with a “kid meal” (although I’ve never really thought kids should have something massively different) and getting the kids to try something a bit more interesting. Maybe on those occasions make a bit extra so there are also home made “ready meals” in the freezer.

But yeah of course having ready meals or something he can do for himself that doesn’t take too long (I doubt he wants to cook anything elaborate at 8.30 any more than you do, not suggesting he can’t) is perfectly fine too.

Missed that your child as ARFID but still the principle that you don’t have to cook an extra meal for husband stands.

My husband routinely is home late. He and I both batch cook meals at weekends and freeze them. He has an hour commute so I put one on as he leaves and it is ready for when he arrives home. We do pies and lasagnes etc. buy foil takeaway containers do they can go in oven easily and stack in freezer.

"pasta, jacket potatoes, chicken and rice, homemade pizza"
All of these are perfectly normal food eaten by people of all ages. They're not kid food.
Another one here who says don't cook two meals. Cook food which everyone can eat as much as possible. If DH is going to be late put his on a plate and he can reheat it when he gets in. You eat yours with the kids.

OP, as a mother of 2 ND kids and carer to the youngest who is autistic and has sensory processing disorder and eats about 3 different beige foods you have my sympathy and no, you shouldn't have to cook another meal after 8pm. My kids and husband are all fussy eaters and all eat opposite things and I spend my bloody life making food but i'd draw the line at cooking late. Get a stock of ready meals or make extra when you cook something he does like and freeze it then let him sort himself out.

Erm because he has just worked a 12-13 hour day !