Feel like a b!tch but I’ve had enough! AIBU?

[Dromerdary]

The older I get, the more I just feel used by people. I purposefully keep my circle small for this reason.

A few years ago, I started a relationship with a long standing friend who had been there a lot for me. He had some issues and past trauma which appeared to affect his whole life, mainly his self esteem, and therefore his ability to earn. He practically moved in with me but maintained his own place, a room in a house owned by an older lady, somewhere he could have his kids on the weekends.

I never asked him for anything but accepted his offer to do DIY around the house as his ‘contribution’. Except he wouldn’t get round to it or would insist I be there to help rather defeating the point. There were other issues around his personal hygiene and how messy he was. I also started to feel frustrated that he would ask me to help him get his life on track but wouldn’t do anything to help himself. My DC started to resent him being there all the time.

I found it really difficult to break up because I was so worried about him coping on his own, but I found the courage to end things. Since then, he’s made excuses to visit - all of his stuff is here and he still has a key so sometimes he’ll come unannounced and then won’t leave for hours. My DC get cross with me when he’s here but he seems so upset and forlorn that it’s hard to tell him to go.

His landlady told him a while ago that he’d need to leave in a few months time because she had a relative moving in with her. They had a similar arrangement that he’d get reduced rent in exchange for DIY jobs that he clearly wasn’t doing because she told him he’d either have to start doing the jobs or she’d increase his rent. He hasn’t reacted well to this and is now sleeping in his car instead of staying there or either finding somewhere else to live or asking his siblings to help who both live locally. He hasn’t even told them we’ve broken up because he doesn’t want them to ask questions.

He messaged to ask if he could come over to use the shower so I agreed but of course he didn’t leave because he doesn’t want to go home. He was then asking if I could help him with his CV even though I already did that last year and I’m busy with other stuff. He kept bothering me so I was kind of being blunt and ignoring him. Then he asked if he could sleep in my bed for an hour so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here. So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else. He’s acting like he’s the only one to experience undesirable living conditions but I stayed for months with an abusive ex until we could get to safety. He has health issues that will be exacerbated by living in his car.

I normally go out of my way to help people but I’m just at the end of my tolerance because he has wasted this opportunity to get himself in a better position. I have offered him help with a job application and gently pushed him to ask his family for support. I’ve lost so much respect for him because he has a victim complex. I feel for him that he’s been dealt a difficult hand but he does nothing to improve his situation and is instead looking to me to make things ok for him. I’ve not had things easy either but have always just got on with it. I’ve also been lucky in some respects and I suspect he resents this as I hear the way he talks about other friends who have been helped by family.

I really hoped we could stay friends but I’m starting to feel like he’s emotionally manipulating me and is over reliant on my support. We set up a community group together and he’s adamant he wants to still run it together and feels it’s ‘half his’ despite me doing 90% of the emotional labour and planning.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like IBU to be so blunt but I don’t know how else to get him to stand on his own two feet. AIBU?

I had a friend a bit like that. Funny, smart, thoughtful but his mental health issues got the better of him. He had a great degree and was so intelligent but never worked. He went from long term partner to partner relying on the women and I suspect family
handouts. I now assume he suffered badly from depression but I don’t think those people who supported him done him any favours because before you knew it he was in his 30s with no work experience, single and struggling Living back with his family.

Long story short is he eventually died by suicide when he was around 36. I’m not sure what the issue was as he seemed to have a loving and supportive family so I guess it was severe and well hidden depression. I don’t think anyone done him any favours by enabling him all those years.

OP, please prioritise your daughters. They thought he was a good match at some point but now they can see he is clearly not. It’s not fair on them. If you do feel compelled to help this man(after you change the locks) you could signpost him to mental health services. It will be in his & his kids benefit if he learns to be independent and resourceful.

It's only as 'difficult' as you make it for yourself. And what is best for YOU and your DC should be your primary concern. And sometimes the best way to 'be kind' to someone is to set strict boundaries (including NC) and then sticking to them so they learn to stand on their own two feet.

He is NOT your responsibility. He wants to make himself your responsibility and so far it sounds as if he's succeeding. Stop it. You are not his mother.

Personally I'd 100% 'drop the rope' on him entirely and let him learn to deal with his own situation. It'd probably be the best thing for him. But if you aren't ready for that then you need to enforce strict 'rules'.

Take back your key. No actually, change locks as he probably has or will get a copy cut before giving you the key.

No 'dropping by' and no lounging around. He must call first to see if it's convenient AND you give him a 'curfew' as in "Yes, you can come by but you will need to go home at <insert time>" (or) "You can come by for 2 hours, then you need to go home". And no more showers! Yuck! But be wary....he'll come up with other 'reasons' he has to be there.

If he has things there that are small/portable, they need to be GONE now.

The larger things in your basement, give him a date. He either needs to get a storage lock-up or get rid.

I have a feeling if you start restricting his 'freedom' with your home, he'll soon start looking elsewhere for someone easier to manipulate.

I know somebody like this. Late 30s, never held down a job - doesn't think money is important (yet hates that other people have it and he doesn't) Claims to have PTSD from abuse that nobody knows about (apart from you because you're so special -and I bet he told you about it almost immediately!) Takes off everybody, never gives anything back. Still expects his mum to do everything for him. Spends his days smoking weed and reading conspiracy theories online to make himself feel better that his life is shit because the matrix is conspiring against him, rather than his lack of input into his own life.

It gets tedious, quickly.

I haven't spoken to this person for about 5 years - he tried to add me on FB a few weeks ago so I checked out his page. Same old.

I do have sympathy for people stuck like this, I really do - but unless they're willing to help themselves there's literally nothing you can do to improve his situation, and even if you could, it's not your responsibility to make it better.

We all have limited resources of time/money - for every unit you devote to him you're taking from your children and he's adding no credit at all to the pot; you need to stop doing it.

I wouldn't have put up with him this long quite honestly. For God's sake get rid. I have mental health problems yet still manage to hold down a great job Nd keep myself clean. He sounds like a proper loser and not your problem.

Hi OP,
Im considered an above average tolerant person and I try to be kind to everyone I meet along the way but even I wouldn’t have this situation go on. I think there can’t be a soft approach here any longer, it has to be a firm line and no grey areas. If you feel you’ve done enough to help this man and he won’t help himself then your conscience is clear. I usually find once you set boundaries with certain people and they aren’t getting what they want when they want it they move on to another more willing unsuspecting person and you are forgotten pretty quickly.

It’s difficult because I do absolutely appreciate that things aren’t easy for him. He definitely has PTSD and depression which is no wonder considering some of the things he’s been through. But, I’ve pushed and pushed for him to seek help, explained what he needs to do, offered to go to his GP with him. He always says he needs to get a job first but then makes little effort to do that.

It’s perfectly possible for him to have PTSD and depression and be taking advantage of you and taking the piss. Get him out of your house, this is not good for you or your DC.

OP with all due respect, you have no responsibility towards this man, I’ve read your update and I’d strongly advise against letting him keeping his furniture and other things at your house, that is his responsibility to deal with. Speaking as someone who was recently in a similar position with a homeless man (homeless and living on a friends settee, not on the streets) and he kept making more and more requests and reasons to stay at mine. Got to a point where he was financially abusing me and I was struggling to stay afloat myself. I since ended the relationship and on the same day I ended it, he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship with someone else that he told me was just a friend. He had been cheating on me as well as everything else.
I suspect OP when you stop giving your ex his access to your house and give him his belongings to deal with, he will suddenly find someone else to ‘rescue him’ because that’s the sort of person he is.

meant to add to my post, that my ex was an alcoholic, the reason for him being homeless.

You're not actually helping him though, you're facilitating him staying in this never ending perpetual cycle. You have offered your help, you have signposted, you have supported and he has not made good use of it - now it is time to draw a line, for your kids sake, for yours and ultimately to help him too. You need to change the locks (not just ask for his key back sometime maybe if he's in a good mood), TELL him he can't come over and use your shower and TELL him to take his stuff. TELL him you will no longer be running the social enterprise with him as he hasn't kept his end of the bargain, and tell his family if you are concerned about him. ultimately though he is an adult who is entitled to not get his life together and spend his life living in his car if he wants to, and you will all reap the rewards if you get to grips with being okay with other people making their own unwise choices and you not trying to rescue them.

Basically. You're being a mug, and he knows it.

Ouch. This described new a little too well. 😂 I mean I'm not bad like this guy as I've held down a working job (I'm a SAHM currently) and didn't live off the backs of others. Quite the opposite really. I moved out became emancipated at 16 and worked and earned myself an apartment and have been as my therapist calls it hyper dependant because I fear relying on others too much. But I was abused, and I have a tendency to really feel sorry for myself. I went to university and it was pretty fruitless.

I'm not defending the guy at all. But I can relate to him in many ways as someone with PTSD as I get frustrated because I feel like therapy really hasn't worked for me. Medication has helped me manage my mood a lot though. It is hard to not feel like the world isn't conspiring against me because if I'm being honest my therapist says I need a trauma therapist. But the thing about PTSD is that it makes it difficult to function in everyday society and hold down a good job. Yet trauma therapists are some of the most EXPENSIVE therapists out there so it just feels like a really bad joke!

I have PTSD because my family is abusive so I don't really have familial support because they all think abuse is normal. So it feels like the world is telling me I only deserve to get better if I have a really rich happy healthy family that doesn't mind paying for it or only if I have the RIGHT kind of trauma. 🙃

But I get it. I just need to carry on and take responsibility for myself and my actions. Thank you for sharing your comment. It has opened my eyes to some very serious personality flaws that I need to work on though.

Bloody hell. Just change the locks and block him on everything. What a waste of head space.

Your poor children. You really let them down letting that dirty, messy, useless freeloader into their home.

Pondering that may well help bolster your resolve.

Oh good God I just knew he’d be an ‘artist’/‘musician’. Such very special people don’t you know.

This thread has made me realise what a bitch I am and I’m not even mad about it.

Get your keys ASAP but don't hedge round it or he'll get a copy made. Actually just change the locks. You can get them done professionally or it's actually really easy to do it yourself. If you need help, pm with a picture of the lock and I'll tell you what you need to do.

You already know what to do. You know he's playing you. He's using you.

Well done for knowing your own worth. He's not going to help you in the long term. You and your dc deserve better.

You are not a bitch. My mother and sisters are repeat abuser lovers and they think having healthy boundaries makes you bitchy. But it doesn't it just means you know what you can handle and what you can't and that you won't let problematic people come into your life (or your pants. Sorry not sorry! 😂) and make you feel like an even bigger bitch when you tell them to get the fuck out of your life. It's better to know the signs and tell them no before they've moved in their toothbrush and under pants than wait for them to anchor down into your life like a soul sucking paracite.

He's sleeping in his car in freezing weather rather than doing the DIY he promised to do. That is dishonest and wrong

Exactly. Why would he rather sleep in his car rather than holding up his end of the bargain? Could it be that he is not capable of these DIY projects? Perhaps he never had the skills to begin with. He probably lied or exaggerated his skills and had no intention of executing them in the first place. He made his bed and now it's time for him to lay in it!

Unfortunately sometimes people don’t want “help”, they love “being helped” and will put energy into making that carry on happening, up to and including self sabotage, whether conscious or unconscious. And I think I have done this too a little bit with a work mentor in the past, as that seemed to be what the shape of the relationship was… sorry I don’t have answers. Only that as everyone has said, you cannot let it be your problem. He doesn’t want to change.

So he can still live at landlady's for several more months (which is plenty of time to access help, apply for jobs, sort out new lodgings) but he's choosing not to? This is because he doesn't want to sort himself out. He wants others to do his adulting for him.

He has a plan to avoid sorting himself out and continuing to have others look after him. He's sleeping in his car when he doesn't actually need to because he hopes you'll weaken and feel so sorry for him, you'll let him move in! Hence turning up with sob stories of needing a shower (which he could do at his lodging), needing somewhere for his stuff (where was all this stuff b4 your house?), a pity inducing future of having to sofa surf ("it's fine" while giving big puppy dog eyes and looking sad I bet!) and woes of health conditions getting worse (while he has a room to go live in ffs).

If he put half the effort into sorting his life as does into his victim hood, he'd have a decent life.

I get why you feel bad for him but you have done all you can? more than enough and he hasn’t seemed to try. We are taught to be kind to others who have had a hard time but it’s not to the point you have a smelly ex haunting you and asking to have naps in your bed and sleeping in his car as he got the huff.
You seem to cling on the fact your hard arse friend friend loves him, they may think he is great but I bet my home they would never, ever go out with him.
Your daughters don’t love him-their opinion counts a lot more, and now, even though you have broken up with him they still don’t have a home free from him.
Change the locks, don’t tell him as actually he is not entitled to come and go as he pleases, your daughters need to know it is not possible for him to get in and most people would give back keys to an ex’s house straight away-the fact he hasn’t is not a result of his ptsd or mental health problems-more that he still expects you to give him full access to your home. He will have copies made of your current keys so no point in asking for them.
Give him a date to get his stuff and when he does not get it box it up and drop it off at his house.
Maybe at one point you can be friends but he is not in any shape to be a partner-it’s telling that he has had only one girl friend before you.
I hope your next partner-if you want one is much more equal and gives as much as they take.

hes got persoanl hygiene issues he wont need a shower then will he

fgs op its just an excuse to get inside your house

Put your children ahead of this waster.

Always.

I can't believe you've made them unhappy and forced them to share their space with a man who is taking the piss.

Did I say it was about me ? Threads are I would hope to get different perspectives.

And I did agree OP should change the locks, so I think I’m able to separate myself from OP, but thanks.