Feel like a b!tch but I’ve had enough! AIBU?

[Dromerdary]

The older I get, the more I just feel used by people. I purposefully keep my circle small for this reason.

A few years ago, I started a relationship with a long standing friend who had been there a lot for me. He had some issues and past trauma which appeared to affect his whole life, mainly his self esteem, and therefore his ability to earn. He practically moved in with me but maintained his own place, a room in a house owned by an older lady, somewhere he could have his kids on the weekends.

I never asked him for anything but accepted his offer to do DIY around the house as his ‘contribution’. Except he wouldn’t get round to it or would insist I be there to help rather defeating the point. There were other issues around his personal hygiene and how messy he was. I also started to feel frustrated that he would ask me to help him get his life on track but wouldn’t do anything to help himself. My DC started to resent him being there all the time.

I found it really difficult to break up because I was so worried about him coping on his own, but I found the courage to end things. Since then, he’s made excuses to visit - all of his stuff is here and he still has a key so sometimes he’ll come unannounced and then won’t leave for hours. My DC get cross with me when he’s here but he seems so upset and forlorn that it’s hard to tell him to go.

His landlady told him a while ago that he’d need to leave in a few months time because she had a relative moving in with her. They had a similar arrangement that he’d get reduced rent in exchange for DIY jobs that he clearly wasn’t doing because she told him he’d either have to start doing the jobs or she’d increase his rent. He hasn’t reacted well to this and is now sleeping in his car instead of staying there or either finding somewhere else to live or asking his siblings to help who both live locally. He hasn’t even told them we’ve broken up because he doesn’t want them to ask questions.

He messaged to ask if he could come over to use the shower so I agreed but of course he didn’t leave because he doesn’t want to go home. He was then asking if I could help him with his CV even though I already did that last year and I’m busy with other stuff. He kept bothering me so I was kind of being blunt and ignoring him. Then he asked if he could sleep in my bed for an hour so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here. So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else. He’s acting like he’s the only one to experience undesirable living conditions but I stayed for months with an abusive ex until we could get to safety. He has health issues that will be exacerbated by living in his car.

I normally go out of my way to help people but I’m just at the end of my tolerance because he has wasted this opportunity to get himself in a better position. I have offered him help with a job application and gently pushed him to ask his family for support. I’ve lost so much respect for him because he has a victim complex. I feel for him that he’s been dealt a difficult hand but he does nothing to improve his situation and is instead looking to me to make things ok for him. I’ve not had things easy either but have always just got on with it. I’ve also been lucky in some respects and I suspect he resents this as I hear the way he talks about other friends who have been helped by family.

I really hoped we could stay friends but I’m starting to feel like he’s emotionally manipulating me and is over reliant on my support. We set up a community group together and he’s adamant he wants to still run it together and feels it’s ‘half his’ despite me doing 90% of the emotional labour and planning.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like IBU to be so blunt but I don’t know how else to get him to stand on his own two feet. AIBU?

but I stayed for months with an abusive ex until we could get to safety.

I am afraid that you went from one abusive relationship to another.

OP - you have to accept that whether or not he has poor mental health, his behaviour and his attitude to you is the problem. The ONLY way he differs from the man like this I know, is that he does not appear to be going off on rages in which he accuses you of all kinds of things, refuses to accept responsibility for anything, does excessive name calling etc.

If he won't get help, it is not your problem. He either genuinely has MH problems in which case HE must fix them, or he's using bad previous experiences as a way to manipulate people, mainly you, into letting him off.

So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else.
Read this sentence again. Think about how ridiculous it is. You feel bad for kicking him out of YOUR house because HE will now refuse to sleep in a perfectly good bed that HE has at his landlady's house?

Because e has a key, how on edge do you feel? How often do you wonder if he will be there when you come home? DO you worry he's been there when you're out? Do your kids feel safe in their own home or do they constantly live on edge that he might be there? This is, I'm learning, a classic control technique..... keep them on edge by coming and going at strange times, refusing to leave etc. Often, the person being controlled finds themselves agreeing to something else simply as a way to get the abuser to leave.

He did not have a plan after you broke up. He said what he thought you needed to hear to possibly take him back. That has not worked for him so he's reverted to his usual personality type.

Get your key back and get him out of your life as quickly as you can.

Why did you let him come over to use your shower? I presume he has a bathroom at his lodgings! You’ve been far too kind to him.

As others have said, change your locks and stop him visiting your home by saying no. Once you’ve said it a few times, it will get easier and he will eventually stop asking.

Text him to say he can’t store his stuff in your house and give him a deadline to collect it.

Your children don’t want him there, so you need to put their wishes first. Stop being quite so easy going and you’ll find that people treat you with more respect in the future.

It's really important you get him out of your home completely before his tenancy at the other place ends

Both you, and he, KNOW that you'd never see him homeless

He's sleeping in his car already to try and show you your responsibility

You need to hurry

As for the community group, you can no longer continue to run it as a partnership because you are no longer partners! So either he gives up his “half” - for which it sounds like he did nothing anyway - or else you tell him if it means so much to him, he can run it alone. Guaranteed he won’t bother as the main draw of it is no doubt staying in close contact with you and making you feel connected to him in some way.

You have done all you can.

All the time he has someone to 'fall back on' and pick up the pieces of his chaotic life, he will never be motivated to try and help himself.

The first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem and need help. Until he does that, there is no helping him.

The saying goes, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.'

Maybe some tough love is what he needs.

Change the locks. No, now. Google "locksmiths [my area]" and call one of them now.

Tell him he has a week to pick up all his shit or else you're selling/dumping it.

Change the locks.

CHANGE THE LOCKS.

So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else.

Like a toddler holding their breath.

You're not his mother and not his lover. You've tried to help but I think doing more would enable him really.

Sad but you need to cut ties.

I both agree and disagree.

TW :

I have PTSD (severe SA), so I guess you could say I was nervous or whatever when I started my next in depth relationship. But I didn’t offload on him (financially, emotionally, whatever). ; I was clear about my boundaries and that it would take me some time, but I was working on it. There’s only so much you can previously work on with a therapist in these cases.

All this to say, it did go well, he was quite careful boundaries wise the first 6 months I would say of intimacy, then I just got more comfortable. I do think I was probably the one who decided more on that front, but he knew what he was getting into I guess, and I wasn’t in absolute refusal, just some things. It’s a 2 way street. We lasted 4 years, 3 good, last one long distance and just grew apart maybe, it felt right for both I think.

I admit it’s really hurtful to hear about avoiding ‘broken people’, several on this thread, ‘so sorry I was assaulted’ or what is it exactly you want ?

I do agree OP should change locks in her specific situation, it’s definitely not a two way street.

Sorry @Dromerdary but in relation to this point you raised "I will ask him to take his things once his living situation is more stable. A lot of the stuff is furniture and business equipment which he’ll have no space for being in one furnished room and I have a cellar so it’s not a problem. But, I don’t want him to come over all the time as I need space to process the breakup too."
You need to tell him that you will box up his belongings, even move his furniture to a side of the room indicating that you are not using it and it is taking up space in your home and give him 1 or maximum 2 months to collect it (he could pay for it to be stored somewhere neutral like a storage company unit or something) and if it's still there, you're putting it in a skip.

He is perfectly capable of standing on his own two feet but is of the mindset that he doesn’t have to whilst you and the landlady at the other property allow him to get away with him behaving like a wet wipe.

Once he realised that no one is go ing go tolerate him being like that he will either find someone else to put up with him or he will have the wake up call that has been looming over him for years and he will have to basically, grow the fuck up.

His lifestyle choices are NOT your responsibility

Funny how often that people in need fo NOT step up and appreciate the help and strive to better themselves and motivate themselves to do better, but instead drag down those that open their door and their heart to help them..

You are not responsible for him. Put up those firm boundaries, if not for yourself, if not for him, then for your DC who should feel comfortable in their own home. He's a user and a manipulator.

Ugh, he’s a big entitled baby that thinks women exist to play mummy to him. You’re not helping him by enabling, and more importantly, you’re not helping yourself.

I really truly despair when I read things like this.

What is the point posting when you aren’t listening to ALL the responses??

Don’t “ask”. Tell. His stuff will be outside on x day (soon!) at x time.

Stop prioritising some user over your own children.

If it helps - you are setting them the most awful example of an adult relationship and a woman holding no boundaries or agency to your kids. His mental health or housing issues are not your problem at all.

Jesus wept.

I really appreciate all the replies and think you’ve been remarkably kind, I was expecting much harsher advice.

Obviously I’ve only mentioned the bad things but he’s very much an amazing person which is partly why it’s so difficult to comprehend the level of his self hated. The most kick ass straight talking person I know adores him. He’s kind, incredibly funny, thoughtful and talented. He’s a very talented artist and musician and was trying to do these things as a business. But his lack of self esteem got in the way and he will not charge what he’s worth or advertise himself - all his work is by word of mouth. He’s also incredibly disorganised and can’t cope with admin at all. He proposed us going into business together where I did the admin so my condition was that he finish his website and publish it first but he didn’t. I suspect he has ADHD. We got together just before lockdown and we got absolutely loads done together (he even made a table!) but once normal life resumed, he stopped and I started to resent the inequality in our contributions. He says he’s not bothered about money or earning loads and seems to genuinely believe that one day he’ll win the lottery and it will all be ok.

But, I know none of this really matters because I recognise that I need to be single. I WANT to be single. I have my own trauma to work through and I need to be there to support my DCs to process theirs. I also recognise that they are tween and teenage girls and do not want a man unrelated to them in their space, no matter who it is.

I realise how fucked up this is but I suppose I got with him because I felt like I owed him a relationship because he was so kind and lovely and I knew that’s what he wanted. I have long been aware of how damaging my people pleasing is but it causes me such intolerable discomfort to disappoint others and so I carry on. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and recognise it’s a combination of factors, not least social conditioning.

This thread has really helped me understand why I feel so angry at him and I think it’s because it does feel like manipulation. He said to me the other day ‘I will just sofa surf, I’ve got loads of people who will let me’ and I immediately told him to cut the bullshit because I know him well enough to know he would never ask anyone for that kind of help and it was code for ‘I’ll sleep in my car’. I do think he cares about me which is hard to reconcile with this side of him but I get that he is trying to get his needs met. But I can’t, and no longer want, to be the one who meets them.

I'm going to ask for my key back next time I see him. It’s going to be harder to deny him things like a shower though. I have wondered about messaging his siblings but I know he would be really upset as he’s intensely private. Of course I care about him, but my priority has to be me and my DC.

One thing that helps with boundaries op is that they are not about setting limits concerning other people and their behaviour.

Boundary setting is all about YOU and what you will and will not tolerate. How the other person chooses to react is their concern!

Goos luck! 🍀

@Dromerdary - Google co-dependency and consider 12 step help with an organisation such as CODA.

You can’t “understand” this man - you shouldn’t even be trying to. Nor should you be offering solutions, contacting siblings.

As for who else likes him - who cares?? Let them store his stuff and have him shower there.

I admit it’s really hurtful to hear about avoiding ‘broken people’, several on this thread, ‘so sorry I was assaulted’ or what is it exactly you want ?

We all have problems.

There is a world of difference between someone who has problems, but is taking responsibility for seeking help and taking action to try to become self-sufficient, and someone who is blatantly not doing so. Someone who isn’t able to take some responsibility for fixing themselves isn't relationship material, sorry.

And this isn't about you.

@Dromerdary - "I'm going to ask for my key back next time I see him."

Just simply change the lock and don't give him a key.
Give him a deadline to get his stuff out of your home.

See if there is a way to either extricate either him or you from the community group and do it.

Stop being so kind to him. It's not getting him anywhere. He might need a strong dose of tough love. Cut those apron strings that are binding you two together and be free of this man.

Honestly I think you need therapy because your boundaries are non existent. Why do you feel like a bitch when he treats you like shit? He’s literally using you and has no ambition in life, you owe him nothing. You don’t need a reason like severe abuse to break up with someone. You need to get yourself on the right page, many people would have broken up with this person at the first hurdle. You continued to take him back and have him in your home to the detriment of your children.

It’s your lack of boundaries which makes you a target for people like this btw

Exactly. And perhaps consider being kind to your own daughters.

I'm going to ask for my key back next time I see him. It’s going to be harder to deny him things like a shower though. I have wondered about messaging his siblings but I know he would be really upset as he’s intensely private. Of course I care about him, but my priority has to be me and my DC

Just tell him he’s your ex and to respect the fact that you need space to heal from the relationship ending. You’ve helped him a lot, and now you EXPECT him to help you by respecting your need for space. If he can’t do that, he’s no friend to you anyway.