Feel like a b!tch but I’ve had enough! AIBU?

[Dromerdary]

The older I get, the more I just feel used by people. I purposefully keep my circle small for this reason.

A few years ago, I started a relationship with a long standing friend who had been there a lot for me. He had some issues and past trauma which appeared to affect his whole life, mainly his self esteem, and therefore his ability to earn. He practically moved in with me but maintained his own place, a room in a house owned by an older lady, somewhere he could have his kids on the weekends.

I never asked him for anything but accepted his offer to do DIY around the house as his ‘contribution’. Except he wouldn’t get round to it or would insist I be there to help rather defeating the point. There were other issues around his personal hygiene and how messy he was. I also started to feel frustrated that he would ask me to help him get his life on track but wouldn’t do anything to help himself. My DC started to resent him being there all the time.

I found it really difficult to break up because I was so worried about him coping on his own, but I found the courage to end things. Since then, he’s made excuses to visit - all of his stuff is here and he still has a key so sometimes he’ll come unannounced and then won’t leave for hours. My DC get cross with me when he’s here but he seems so upset and forlorn that it’s hard to tell him to go.

His landlady told him a while ago that he’d need to leave in a few months time because she had a relative moving in with her. They had a similar arrangement that he’d get reduced rent in exchange for DIY jobs that he clearly wasn’t doing because she told him he’d either have to start doing the jobs or she’d increase his rent. He hasn’t reacted well to this and is now sleeping in his car instead of staying there or either finding somewhere else to live or asking his siblings to help who both live locally. He hasn’t even told them we’ve broken up because he doesn’t want them to ask questions.

He messaged to ask if he could come over to use the shower so I agreed but of course he didn’t leave because he doesn’t want to go home. He was then asking if I could help him with his CV even though I already did that last year and I’m busy with other stuff. He kept bothering me so I was kind of being blunt and ignoring him. Then he asked if he could sleep in my bed for an hour so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here. So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else. He’s acting like he’s the only one to experience undesirable living conditions but I stayed for months with an abusive ex until we could get to safety. He has health issues that will be exacerbated by living in his car.

I normally go out of my way to help people but I’m just at the end of my tolerance because he has wasted this opportunity to get himself in a better position. I have offered him help with a job application and gently pushed him to ask his family for support. I’ve lost so much respect for him because he has a victim complex. I feel for him that he’s been dealt a difficult hand but he does nothing to improve his situation and is instead looking to me to make things ok for him. I’ve not had things easy either but have always just got on with it. I’ve also been lucky in some respects and I suspect he resents this as I hear the way he talks about other friends who have been helped by family.

I really hoped we could stay friends but I’m starting to feel like he’s emotionally manipulating me and is over reliant on my support. We set up a community group together and he’s adamant he wants to still run it together and feels it’s ‘half his’ despite me doing 90% of the emotional labour and planning.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like IBU to be so blunt but I don’t know how else to get him to stand on his own two feet. AIBU?

He's not sleeping in his car in the cold.

He's going back to his home and being lovely and warm and comfortable with his other partner (who thinks he's in a committed relationship with her) before scuttling back to pester you when she's dared to ask him if he could maybe try actually paying for all the food he's eating for once now the electric bill's gone up so much.

His stories are to try and get you to be his 'landlady' in conversations with other women.

In the kindest possible way, he's not getting his act together in his life because he doesn't need to - you keep stepping in and saving him from himself, only that's not actually helping him, it's actively preventing him from having to help himself. Regardless of everything else, the best help you can give this man is to step fully away and let him sort things out for himself. Change the locks, say absolute no to any visits for showering/washing clothes/whatever, and only store his stuff if it literally has no impact on you and your children. Also, have a think about why your people-pleasing is directed at this man, your ex, and not at your own daughters. It's not people-pleasing is it, it's ingrained deference to the patriarchy. Again, kindly meant - stop it! If it means you have to feel uncomfortable while prioritising your daughters over this man then so be it.

I've only read your replies OP and not the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating.

Firstly, ask for his key back. Give him, say, a week to return it (with a couple of reminders to do so) and if it hasn't happened within whichever timeframe you give him, then get the locks changed.
You said you're happy to have his stuff at yours, well that's fine but there needs to be an agreement somewhere that it's only for a limited amount of time.
His living arrangements are not your responsibility, not now you're apart.

He sounds depressed but, again, it's not your job to fix him.
You can end up enabling behaviours if you're not careful and it sounds as though, depression or not, he needs to learn to be responsible for himself.

You are not Being Unreasonable. You are single, with kids, and you need your own life and space back.

I've been in a similar situation fairly recently.
I managed to get my keys back by making an excuse about my son losing his and not having a spare. After I knew he wouldn't be able to put the same pressure on me by turning up unannounced and letting himself in, I blocked him and cut all contact - including not answering the door until he gave up trying.

You've given him plenty of chances to help himself with your support and he hasn't bothered. He is clearly manipulating you emotionally with his guilt trips.
Ultimately he is an adult and capable of sorting these things for himself, and making the best of support offered to him which he has chosen not to do.

Get your keys back or change your locks and cut him off.

I should add - don't give him warning that you want your keys back. Put him on the spot when you know he has them to hand so he doesn't have a chance to get another cut.

You’re so much nicer than me. Here’s what I’d do:

1. Change the locks; and
2. Block him.

End of steps.

Me too. But I've learnt through bitter experience that the world is divided into people like me who are, if anything, too unsympathetic to the sob stories and people like OP and my SIL who can't say no.

A loved one once shouted, "Fine, I'll just commit suicide then if I'm not wanted here" in an argument. I was young, had no idea about victim mentality and manipulation but i immediately snapped back, "You go right ahead but don't expect me to blame myself because that's on you." I'll always be grateful for the instinctive response because I dread to think how that relationship would have played out over the next 10 years if I hadn't.

Oh OP, why are you allowing your pity for him to top trump your and, more importantly, your children's needs?

This isn't a dying relationship... it's pity for a man that you thought he was , due to his silver tongue.
I'll bet that his landlady wants rid and is using a relative staying as an excuse.

Please put your children and YOU above his pity hustle.

Get his stuff moved out and change the locks.
It won't be pleasant so gird your loins but this situation needs to end now.

Why has he even moved furniture in, ask yourself, when he already had somewhere?
Sounds like he planned this.

He’s massively taking advantage of your generosity and compassion. I think it’s clear he’s not going to take hints and will keep pushing. If he chooses to sleep in his car in sub zero conditions when he’s got a place to stay then I’m afraid more fool him. I think you probably just need to go zero contact with him. Don’t feel guilty, he needs to learn to sort his shit out and he won’t do that whilst he feels like he’s got other options. It’s clear your DC are uncomfortable with his presence and you don’t want them feeling pushed out of their own home due to an ex. Time to be harsh, and I know it’s not hard when you’re naturally a compassionate person, as I’m the same and I would probably be in this position too. But lately I’ve been learning to push back and look out for myself more, instead of giving so much to other people who wouldn’t give it back

so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here.

why are you deferring to your DC to be the authority?
you don’t want him there either.
you can just say what you want.

also your dc are priority. Don’t prioritise this man, over them. They don’t want him in their home. For good reason. His desire to be there doesn’t trump their desire for him not to be there.

if he chooses to sleep in his car when he has a home that’s his problem.

Stop wasting your energy trying to fix him or understand him. He’s a loser who is manipulating you. There’s nothing else to understand.

I have long been aware of how damaging my people pleasing is but it causes me such intolerable discomfort to disappoint others and so I carry on. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and recognise it’s a combination of factors, not least social conditioning.

Hmm. But you also realise that by pleasing this man, you are displeasing your daughters. How do you square that one? My mother used to do similar things. It was a different situation, but she'd say yes to things that adversely affected us, because she hated disappointing people. It was however fine to disappoint me and my sibling, for some reason. And really, if you're doing this to avoid your own discomfort, it's not about pleasing him, is it? It's about your own sense of peace.

It sounds to me as if he needs professional help. I mean either that or a kick up the bum, depending on whether there's MH at play here or he's just a lazy arse. And of course you can be both. The apparent laziness may well be very difficult to separate out from any MH problems he might have. But it's his problem to deal with. You're enabling him because you're protecting him from the consequences of his actions. Time for tough love, as others have said.

You don't exist purely to help other people. You've played your part and shown him the way. He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness. Don't feel bad. You tried and it sounds like he's starting to take the piss and ignore your boundaries and wishes. You don't need that shit.

Do you not understand that he uses the woe is me tactic to make you feel guilty and thus compelled to let him take full advantage of you?

He is a full on conman.

He knows exactly what he’s doing. On purpose.

Come on. You need to listen to your dc and the posters on this thread.

Change the locks. Now. Don’t tell him. If he’s there right now, give some excuse to get him out of the house.

After locks are changed, box up his stuff and drop them at his boarding house before he’s kicked out of there.

If he intercepts you during any of this, wish him luck on his journey, big smile and wave him off. That’s it. A genial and smiling but distant ‘I wish you luck on your journey,’ and shut the door/exit/run.

Try to do all this in one day. You will never be rid of this leech if you don’t act boldly, quickly, and confidently.

Go then, and be free.

Put your kids first.

so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here.

This really stood out for me.

It is YOU that is annoyed with him and realising he’s using you and that you want it to stop - so why blame your children?

They might get annoyed too but you are deflecting your feelings which isn’t helping anyone, including him.

You need to tell him that you need your key back as you’re not together and it’s inappropriate that he still has it.

You are a nice person and a people pleaser, you are not going to be able to tell him to fuck off.
But you can have boundaries.

Right now he is literally walking all over you and you are letting him.
You say he’s so nice and kind but that’s not what a nice or kind person does to their friend or partner.

Get your key back.
Make yourself less available - if he wants to come around then say you are busy or he can come around but only until X time as then you are going out.

If he has a shower and bed elsewhere then there is absolutely no need for him to shower/sleep at yours.
If he chooses to not use his own bed or shower then that’s on him and it’s none of your concern.
When he mentions it just tell him to use the one at his current home.

You have to start putting your foot down now else you’re going to find yourself having him live with you and you’ll never be able to get rid of him or have another relationship.

Completely agree. Change your lock.

You are not being unreasonable, but you do need to stop helping him otherwise he will never help himself.

He needs to speak to the local authority to find housing and also get a job. You should step away; let him stand on his own two feet.

Good luck, OP.

Oh my. I just saw this quote by op.

I have long been aware of how damaging my people pleasing is but it causes me such intolerable discomfort to disappoint others and so I carry on.

Oh please. Your poor children.

And yet he survived.

He has been without you for a lot longer than he's been with you OP. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking you're vital to his life and well-being , you aren't - he managed without you before and he will do again.

He has choices; your kids don't.

My take on it is he doesn’t want to sort himself out. He wants someone to look after him, he’ll have a reason why everything he tries doesn’t work out. ADHD/ don’t think money’s important/ not good at admin/ past trauma etc etc. I had an aunt like that. She did have abilities but always messed up, allowed people to rip her off etc etc. She never got her act together because was looking for a man to take care of her after her divorce. Funnily enough there wasn’t an orderly queue for that position.

Everything else aside, he's making YOUR KIDS uncomfortable in their own home.

Dump his shit if you have to. Stop keeping hold of his stuff, give your poor kids a clean break from this man before you consider yourself here.

Sorry but his issues are no longer your problem the moment your children have issues with him.

You're not wrong. He's clearly a master manipulator. I don't feel bad for him. He's done it to himself. I feel bad for his kids. He sounds like a total deadbeat. He never intended to better himself. He always had the intent of getting a free ride!

"I was so worried about him coping on his own"

Maybe you are fearful of your kids growing up and that you'll not be 'needed' anymore?

The thing is, if you continue to prioritise this fake high maintenance child you've adopted and bombard him with your 'love' and attention the more the relationship with your real children is deteriorating.

Just because your children are not sick, emotionally distressed or otherwise suffering does not mean they need your attention less.

Open your eyes and look at how much space you have given over to him.

You lie awake worrying about him instead of worrying about yourself and your life.

Get the keys back ASAP. He cannot call around without texting or phoning first.

He's an ineffectual, inadequate man and there's nothing you can or should do for him.

But why would you feel bad about not letting him shower at your house? Why do you feel responsible?

I would have no trouble saying no because it's the right thing for your kids. And there's nothing I couldn't do for my kids.