The older I get, the more I just feel used by people. I purposefully keep my circle small for this reason.
A few years ago, I started a relationship with a long standing friend who had been there a lot for me. He had some issues and past trauma which appeared to affect his whole life, mainly his self esteem, and therefore his ability to earn. He practically moved in with me but maintained his own place, a room in a house owned by an older lady, somewhere he could have his kids on the weekends.
I never asked him for anything but accepted his offer to do DIY around the house as his ‘contribution’. Except he wouldn’t get round to it or would insist I be there to help rather defeating the point. There were other issues around his personal hygiene and how messy he was. I also started to feel frustrated that he would ask me to help him get his life on track but wouldn’t do anything to help himself. My DC started to resent him being there all the time.
I found it really difficult to break up because I was so worried about him coping on his own, but I found the courage to end things. Since then, he’s made excuses to visit - all of his stuff is here and he still has a key so sometimes he’ll come unannounced and then won’t leave for hours. My DC get cross with me when he’s here but he seems so upset and forlorn that it’s hard to tell him to go.
His landlady told him a while ago that he’d need to leave in a few months time because she had a relative moving in with her. They had a similar arrangement that he’d get reduced rent in exchange for DIY jobs that he clearly wasn’t doing because she told him he’d either have to start doing the jobs or she’d increase his rent. He hasn’t reacted well to this and is now sleeping in his car instead of staying there or either finding somewhere else to live or asking his siblings to help who both live locally. He hasn’t even told them we’ve broken up because he doesn’t want them to ask questions.
He messaged to ask if he could come over to use the shower so I agreed but of course he didn’t leave because he doesn’t want to go home. He was then asking if I could help him with his CV even though I already did that last year and I’m busy with other stuff. He kept bothering me so I was kind of being blunt and ignoring him. Then he asked if he could sleep in my bed for an hour so I snapped and told him I get it in the neck from my DC whenever he’s here. So he left, obviously upset and I feel bad because he’s probably going to sit in his car in sub zero temperatures for the next week instead of just sucking it up and staying at his landlady’s house until he finds somewhere else. He’s acting like he’s the only one to experience undesirable living conditions but I stayed for months with an abusive ex until we could get to safety. He has health issues that will be exacerbated by living in his car.
I normally go out of my way to help people but I’m just at the end of my tolerance because he has wasted this opportunity to get himself in a better position. I have offered him help with a job application and gently pushed him to ask his family for support. I’ve lost so much respect for him because he has a victim complex. I feel for him that he’s been dealt a difficult hand but he does nothing to improve his situation and is instead looking to me to make things ok for him. I’ve not had things easy either but have always just got on with it. I’ve also been lucky in some respects and I suspect he resents this as I hear the way he talks about other friends who have been helped by family.
I really hoped we could stay friends but I’m starting to feel like he’s emotionally manipulating me and is over reliant on my support. We set up a community group together and he’s adamant he wants to still run it together and feels it’s ‘half his’ despite me doing 90% of the emotional labour and planning.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like IBU to be so blunt but I don’t know how else to get him to stand on his own two feet. AIBU?